man, break sucks when all your friends are in Florida

A friend told this to me about 5 months ago (and is possibly reading this):

You hit this moment where you realize your friends are going different ways and when you return home on breaks you will all be a little different from who you were, and at first it's sad, and you will get sad. But, then it's exciting. Suddenly you're free. Suddenly no one knows you. Suddenly you can be someone new. You'll get there. But, now in the next two years you get to decide who you are. The next two years are exciting even for as long and arduous as they may seem from here. And sometime halfway through your junior year you'll realize what those people say and do, it doesn't matter. They can't hurt you. They may never see you again.

So that's where I am...halfway through junior year, and he was right. Right now, I am finding out who I am. I am watching my friends that are seniors getting ready to leave, and the freedom that they feel right now. Rules and school are no longer important to them. The relationships that they are leaving behind are what really matter to them. Living their lives with the people that are in it at this moment is important. Because everyone will change, and the only time to live life now, is now, and that will be gone.
And I am watching the people that have gone to school and are back on break. And they are all different, but still their relationship is the same. It's true, they have all changed, grown [up] perhaps, and are a bit different. And at first it is sad because things won't ever be the same, but exciting because you both have learned new things and changed.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I've lost some of my passion. and I need it back.

do you ever have those mornings where you are kind of asleep, but kind of dreaming for a couple hours before you have to get up? I love it, because I can kind of control where I go/what I do in my dreams, and I know I will remember it.
----------------------------------------------------
I think relationships start to get really great, when you know they will love you no matter how weird you act. Like, I can dance like a fool everywhere I go. or, today, I was in my friend's room and I was just looking through her things. And I found her journal, and I looked at her while opening it up. and she didn't care. She didn't care if I read about her weird feelings, because we both know that whatever strange things she wrote/felt, that would never change how much we like each other, or get along, or treat each other.

I think I am in love with trees. and always have been.

It always makes me so sad when a tree dies. you know? they are so old, and have been there for so long. They create so much beauty, and change, but also stability. They are there through every part of our lives, and they have seen/been through so much.

Like the tree in my front yard. It was so little when my parents bought the house, and we have always trimmed it and taken care of it. And I have climbed it, and it has shaded our yard. And I clean up it's leaves, and branches. It protects from the rain, and drops beautiful leaves into the yard. It was there when I was 2, and running around babbling. It was there when I pretended I was a pirate, and the tree was my ship. It was there when we tried to create a swing from it's highest branch. It was there when we would sit for hours in it's branches and spend the afternoon watching the world pass us by below. I walk by it hundreds of times everyday, and barely ever give it a thought.

yea...no one else thinks about trees this much. whatever.

A lot of people seem to have a really crappy week before christmas, and that is so unfortunate. It is just a bad week to have bad week.
------------------------------------------------
I have a SaveDarfur hoodie, and I wear it every once in while. I have probably worn it more 10 or more times to school this year. Well, I wore it the other day, and more people talked to me than ever before in a school day. During every passing period, either a student or teacher would stop me and ask me what Darfur is. I even walked into one of classes, and the whole class was questioning me. It was sweet that I got to tell so many people about it in one day.

But, it still amazes me....the ignorance of so many people. Darfur is a big deal. 2 laws were past in the last week about it. Our own senator does so much. There are articles in the paper about a lot...not enough...but a lot.
------------------------------------------------
I feel like i have something to say. I just don't know what.

I think I am going to do a 30 day fast.

or 40.

I can explain why later.

I have no desire to pass finals. which is horrible. I just want to play music. and swim.

This week was Prism. Prism is this crazy series of Christmas (ahem...holiday) concerts at school. The tickets are always gone in a couple hours for all 4 shows.
We played a piece called "Gandalf", which is incredible. There are these sweet chaser lights at the Shadowfax part of the song, and it is breathtaking.
Then I played "William Tell Overture" with the orchestra, which was also amazing. It begins with a cello solo that lasts for about 70 bars of music. The whole orchestra and audience gets completely enraptured by one 17 year old girl playing her heart into the music. And oh man, there just aren't words enough.
--------------------------------------------------
I was told that I am opinionated and it's a bad thing. sure.

....so busy...

I wish Bob Dylan was the same man he is today, but twenty. Then it wouldn't be so weird that I like him so much. Same with John Lennon.

It takes me a whole week to fold my basket of laundry, because I get really bored folding. So by the time I have my clothes folded, they are wrinkled and I have more dirty clothes. Its a wonderful cycle I am living in.

Today, I spent the morning speaking with a woman that went on The World Race, with AIM. It is like the Amazing Race and loving people, and visiting the whole world, all in 11 months. This is what I have planned on doing after high school. (not that my plans ever work out). But, she was incredible, and has the heart of Jesus, and really all she wants to do is love people. And that is what she does. I have been real lazy about my Peru trip, and she encouraged me to actually do the work I am supposed to.
----------------------------------
Now, I am going to rant. People, especially my family, are making a huge deal about what I am going to eat in Peru. Of all things...what I am going to eat!!! gkhdsla'!! Yes, I am vegetarian. No, I do not enjoy eating meat. But, people just don't listen to me when I tell them I will eat meat, I will cook meat, and Ogdon's if I have to kill an animal, I will maybe, maybe not do it while sobbing, and screaming and shaking most likely, if I must. But, my diet will not keep from loving people. Trust me, I can make rational decisions. Trust God. Oh my...have some faith. If you have to worry about me...
worry about a piranha eating me. not about me eating a piranha.

Sometimes, I completely forget about those middle school years. I don't really know who I was then. But, I do remember the endless hours I spent in the art room in my school. I always had an art class, and art club, and during lunch I would help the teacher with projects and stuff. And, I got pretty good at it. But, once I got to high school, I had to take all the required classes, and I never joined art club. So, I draw or paint something every couple months.

Well, lately, I have been drawing like crazy. And I love people. I love to draw them. It makes you really study a person's face, and the emotions a person can show with their eyes. Drawing a person is a lot like getting into their soul, and their heart.

Yesterday, my friends and I spent the day volunteering for Salvation Army ringing those bells. But, the bells were obnoxious, and horrible, so we got some instruments and enjoyed some lovely christmas music. Even though it was cold, and we sounded bad, we just spent the whole day making music (with every instrument we own) with each other. When we got too cold to play, one of us would dance around to the other two's music. And when our fingers stopped moving, we just sang a lot. So , I found out I can't play trumpet very well, and a guitar strap would be a good investment, and harmonica doesn't sound very good with flute, and I enjoyed serenading saturday shoppers with some songs.

--

Sometimes I go for these drives, and I just kind of get in the car, and my dog usually follows me. Then I drive, I don't really know where I am going, but I always end up somewhere good. Sometimes, Spirit (my dog) sleeps, sometimes she puts her head out of the window, sometimes she looks straight ahead. Sometimes music is loud, really loud, and sometimes it is silent. Sometimes I drive on roads where I can go fast, and sometimes I drive slowly through the neighborhoods. I like to think about other people, like what are they doing with their lives. When they go home, what do they do? How is their family? Are they lonely? Are they busy? I kind of just make up stories about people's lives when I see them.
I don't know why I do this. Drive aimlessly. Maybe I need to get out of the house, or just need to think. Or maybe it just calms me down so I can think better.

Well tonight, I drove to a neighborhood, and then I parked in a school parking lot, and got out. Then Spirit and I ran through these huge fields that were covered in inches of snow. Try to imagine this:a car pulls up to an empty parking lot. A girl gets out, wearing slippers, Chicago Blackhawks sweat pants that are too big for her, and a silly Peruvian hat that is keeping her very warm. Then she opens a side door of the car, and a dog gets out. Then they both start running as fast as they can through the snow....around and around and around, until they are so tired they can't move any more, so they just collapse in the middle of this field in the snow, and lay there for like 20 minutes. Then they just get up, get into the car, and drive off.

If I were watching this, I would come see if I were alright and take me to an insane asylum. Seriously, I am creep, you might want to run away...fast.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
When I was little, I used to lay on the couch on my back, then I would scoot of until my head was on the ground and calves were the only thing on the couch. Then I would pretend like my house was upside down, and the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling. I would lay like this for a long time...just imaging life, upside down! I would throw the ball for my dog, and since I was kind of living upside down, I would throw the ball at "my floor" but it would never stay there, it always went up to "my ceiling".

haha, o man. I was strange then too.
--------------------------------------------------------------
i have no idea why i wrote any of this. I get on here every once in a while, and i just stare at the screen thinking about how i can never get my thoughts into words. Sometimes i type things, then delete them. then i close my computer. somedays, i can't stop writing. and somedays, i start writing nonsensical nonsesnse about my freakishly strange life that no one really wants to hear.

I think this is genius. (I first heard about it in in the Chicago Tribune)


Tino Sehgal - Kiss October 7 - December 30, 2007 (Chicago Museum of Contemporary Art)

Tino Sehgal is a visual artist who creates temporal situations for the visitor. Instead of producing material objects, he creates an experience, a situation for the visitor. Trained as a dancer and having studied economics, Sehgal's artwork reflects upon the cultural and political relevance of artistic modes of production while actively engaging the viewer in its reception.
Kiss is a sculptural and contemplative work executed by two dancers who move slowly and consistently through a prescribed choreography. Both real and constructed, representational and artificial, Kiss evokes a state of absorption that immediately catches viewers and draws them into a subtle engagement with their own personal experience of intimacy.
Presented within the exhibition Collection Highlights, this innovative and compelling presentation articulates the role of the museum visitor by asking how the visitor experiences, defines, and interacts with art within a museum. Rather than passively regarding a static work, Kiss generates a connection with the viewer in the very moment of engagement with art that comes to life in their presence.
Although Sehgal has exhibited extensively in Europe, Kiss will be his first work in an American museum. This project is curated by Tricia Van Eck, Curatorial Coordinator and Curator of Artists' Books.

disassembled mind

"Once I loved, and not so long ago, with a consuming passion that [almost] killed me. I loved so hard and so well."

I want to say that after I am dead.
--------------------------------------------------

I have been trying to write out what I think of this war. Because, I get into a discussion about it almost once a week, and I just need to decide what I believe, and be able to tell other people.

Obviously killing is not loving. So, I know war is wrong. But, I wonder is no-war possible? If there is no other way to remove an obstacle to peace except war, then is war said to be just? If there is an unquenchable bitterness and anger in a people, do you have the duty to exterminate them?
After a war, can you say that what follows is called peace? In my mind, peace is the absence of anger and bitterness, but is is the absence of the people who felt those feelings? So then they should be killed to get peace?!?!? (obviously this is not correct)

No one I know can kill without being able to justify the act because we all want the good or at least to be associated with the good.
----------------------------------------------

It is kind of a rule that you should behave like the majority. People make fun of imagination. I don't know how this has happened...the joke of everything different. Like... why does everybody want to be a flippin' engineer? Seriously, I am sure there are other things you would love more.

I keep thinking about living (probably because that is what I do with most of my time...you know...living), and I'm thinking that a soul has to live in order to be saved. to be free.

unfortunate run

This morning I woke up nice and early, and went with my closest friend, Hannah, to NCHS to get ready for the Turkey Trot. We got in line pretty close to the start line because we were early and we felt like we were pretty speedy runners.
These people were the quitest runners ever. It was practically silence the whole way...except for Hannah and I. strange...
It was the first snow this year, and it was beautiful...I love running in rain and snow.

Anyways, the race was great, we were running quickly and feeling good, having fun...THEN when I could see the finish line, and has just started sprinting, I felt like I was going to hurl. So, I pushed Hannah out of my way and vomited a lot. So I continued running, and falling and barfing and stumbling and trying not to walk and trying not to hit people with my insides as I went past the finish line. it was horrible. The worst part...they had bananas, and cookies and pancakes afterwards, and I couldn't enjoy any of it!

I still had fun, and will do it again. :)

(The best part...I had these sweet pants that were so warm but felt like I wasn't wearing anything AND they were cheap...that made the race worth it)

I talked with my mother the other day

and I don't think I could ever take her for granted again

or think of her the same way as I used to.

I think most people have some realization that their parents are more intelligent, and stronger than they ever thought.
As much as I have ever wanted to think I was smarter than them, I will never be able to just fix anything no matter what it is or what is wrong with it, and I would never have been able to deal with the things that they dealt with at my age.

blurbs of my thoughts

I was thinking today why so many relationships get screwed up so easily.
And of course there are millions of reasons, and I am definitely not correct, but I still think about it.

And I think for any relationship to work out, we have to know ourselves. Who we are, who we want to be, what we care about, what our dreams our, what our ideals our, and we need to be able to examine our lives as we live them.

Because if we don't know these things, we won't be able to make intelligent decisions, and days will be spent in silence without any conversation. And we won't be able to submit to each other, or be naked (emotionally / spiritually) with each other.
---------------------------------------------------------------

My definitions of Strength and Weakness are getting really screwed up right now.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I have kind of forgotten who I am in the last month, but this week I started to remember again....and it feels wonderful. Like getting to know an old friend who you loved all over again...except it goes a bit deeper.
And I am catching myself doing little things that I used to do...like have conversations with myself, or break out into made-up songs randomly, or do ridiculously reckless things. I feel like me again.

Lonely? Come and walk.

This weekend will not soon be forgotten.

Every day, I go for a run or walk or both at night. It is dark out, and people are probably home with their families. But, it is so weird to walk by people's houses. How many lights are on? How many cars home? Is there a family spending time together? A family fighting? A lonely person? A heartbroken person? What do people do? How are their lives different to mine?

Every time I walk, I think of the lonely people in each house. I wonder how many there are. If every lonely person came and took a walk with me, no one would be lonely. We would all have each other. So then why are we lonely? Are we too afraid to be around people? Too shy? So unsure of ourselves that we don't think anyone could ever love us? Too selfish? Too frightened? I guess I think that we make ourselves lonely. I mean, other people make us feel lonely, but we can change that so easily. We could do something about it, we just choose not too.

I don't understand, and I don't really need to.

wow... this weekend has been incredible so far, and it hasn't even really begun.

CAKE!

I have no money....except for some change

So, after school, I went and bought some flour and eggs (with the change). And I borrowed the rest of the ingredients.

And I baked a gift for my mother's birthday!

<----The Beginning of the process.

THE END!

the end of my week

I always wonder what other people do with my time, but i never tell anyone what I do with my time. So I will share my weekend with you.
---------------------------------
On Friday, after school, I helped my not so creative/fashionable friends to shop with creativity, and tried to get them out of their regular t-shirt and jeans mold. Then I went for a beautiful run through the autumn trees. Then a lovely friend came over and we started to write a story, which we plan to turn into a song.

Then our minds started going crazy, and we decided to do a little experiment on facebook, which has turned out well. You can probably figure it out if you have a facebook.

Saturday, my friend and her family invited me to go to Notre Dame with them for the day, and they were picking me up at 7 am. Of course, I planned to get up early, and get everything ready. But I didn't. I got up at 6:45 , and practically jumped in their car still dripping from my shower.

But, Notre Dame was incredible. The campus is beautiful and tranquil, and full of so much tradition. I kind of fell in love with it while I was there. Also, the friend that I went with, basically shares a brain with me, and I will her so much next year, i don't want to even think about it.
I basically never make friends my own age. I always make friends with seniors, and I have to make new friends every year. I guess that is kind of good, but still feels horribly lonely when they leave.

I got home late, and my parents were gone, so I took advantage of that, and stayed up all night, then I slept under the stars. A couple hours later I got really cold, and went into my warm bed for the rest of the night. I couldn't believe how cold it got, and I can't believe people sleep out there all night, and have no other choice. man. I want them to have some really warm blankets, and a bed. so badly.

But, I woke up late, and got to church late. And everyone asked me about my facebook experiment, and it was pretty hilarious. And PB talked about one of my favorite areas of the bible (Matt 6-ish), which was awesome, and it made me really happy that he was hitting on that issue. And then I decided I don't ever want to deal with credit. I know people that have never had a credit card, and I definitely want to be one of those people. It seems a lot wiser, and maybe more difficult, but it seems like it pays off a lot in the long run, and saves a lot of stress, and useless spending.

Then I came home, wrote a bunch of Peru letters (which takes hours, which has turned into a couple months) and homeworked, and guitared (and made up new verbs) and had a wonderfully restful sabbath. Then I went to TSM. Wow. Praise band played and worshipped at it's best tonight. We took our time, enjoyed worshipping God, and played as a group rather then a bunch of individuals, and we did it without our wonderfully humble leader. That filled me with immense joy and thanksgiving.

Then I drank some tea, and talked with my lovely friend. wrote some more peru letters. had a fantastic Sigur Ros-filled drive home. (people tend to give me really weird looks when I drive with the windows open when it is 50 degrees out--but if they just tried it, they would know how good it feels)

Now, guess what I am doing? Yep--writing Peru letters!

(but soon, I will start my night-long marathon of Christmas/Winter movies)

story of my life.

i know you don't miss me and you never will,
but i still want to know.
i want to know; did you ever think of me? did you ever want to walk with me? want to look me in the eyes? ever want to laugh with me? share your smile with me? share your heart with me?

because, oh, i wanted to know you. i want you to hold my hand, i wanted you to smile at me, to laugh with me, to be with me, and i was jealous. i was so jealous of those girls you looked at, the girls you smiled at, the ones you talked about, the ones that made you be more like you.
i so badly wanted to be that girl.

but i've promised myself. that i couldn't be with someone who didn't bring out the best in me. he didn't do it. he made me bitter. and nervous. and controlling. and you don't either. you make me mean, and sad, and lonely, and boring.
even though i could never be with you, could never let you hold me, i still wanted it.
i longed for it even.

but i wanted you. wanted to be with you. to know you.
but i could never tell you that.
and i never will.

please, just know, that i will miss you.

(my friend gave me a book to write poetry in a few months ago. i don't write poetry. i can't. i can't write period. but i wrote some poor ramblings.....so much for not being to heavy)

Everytime I put my name in for something free....I get it.

Every single time.

my laptop, our washer, a dehumidifier, a car (which i had to decline because i couldn't drive), and I just got a phone call telling me about my free membership to Lifetime Fitness. oooo yess.

Either no one else ever puts their name in for those drawings, or I just have a large amount of luck.

Not Such a DOWNER

uh...i just realized how depressing this blog is

i always update when something heavy is on my heart.

so sorry.

There are so many great things going on these days too!
like....
Today I went for a run in the dark, and got so frightened i almost peed my pants. And then the geese almost ate me for dinner.
And, my friends at school make me really happy.
I chopped off all my hair yesterday, and my head feels incredibly light.
Every time I go to practices for church stuff, I like the people more, and my attitude improves.
And I can actually play the music in band and i don't feel like a complete newb.
And my brother was home for a few days, and that made me really happy.
20 something people came to the Amnesty meeting! Yesss!
A lot of people are working to love people and care for others.
I have a place to sleep tonight, and warm blankets.

just listen

Does anyone else get crazy frustrated about something, but hold it in because you don't want to blow? And then one day, when you are frustrated beyond your capicity, you just go crazy, and your emotions are so intense you don't even know what to do?

that just happened. the blowing up part.
people don't listen to me. maybe it's how i speak.

or maybe other people are too focused on other things to listen to me.

especially at home. and church (of all places).
i say something, then i say it again, then people ask me to repeat it. so i do.
then they don't care.
at home, i say things to my parents, and they just completely ignore me, or are too busy asking me questions to listen to me. So, they end up getting mad when they don't know the answers to things they asked me earlier. then i get punished.

and now i am frustrated. and mad. and they are frustrated and mad. and i want to get away from them. but i can't. i want to play my song on my piano, but i can't because they won't let me.

and that makes me even more frustrated.

and now they are even more frustrated.

moral of the story: listen to people. have some patience, get your mind off of yourself, and focus on this other person for the few seconds/minutes that they need it. they deserve your attention. and it makes people feel cared for when other people treat them as more important than themselves. (*I know that I need to do this more often. I am horrible at it. But I know how it feels to be the other person, and it sucks)

We were made to be connected with the earth.
This is so obvious, but we ignore it completely.

Everyone acts differently outside. I don't know what it is....happier, more free, more light hearted?

I have fallen in love with the prarie path near my house. I love riding my bike next to a running deer. Or running, and having to stop to let a family of deer cross.

OR last Friday, I spent all day indoors, but as soon as I was outside, my attitude completely changed. I feel more like myself, more connected with myself, and other people, and God when I am in the midst of His creation.

I don't know what i am talking about. I never will understand. and that's okay with me.

Whitney,

Breathe

what is going on?

I kind of want to be vague right now, but if I do that nothing I am saying will make sense. So, I will be straightforward.

Of the two best friends that I grew up with, I am still close with one, and I haven't spoken to the other in years. She moved away. Her mother started dating and living with an abusive man. She became depressed, starting smoking, then started doing drugs, drinking. Then she decided she was bisexual, and started having serious relationships with many many girls. She became suicidal. Very much so. This all happened before she was even 15.

Today, I found out that this once innocent, still beautiful woman that grew up with me, and had changed immensely... was raped. raped? This doesn't happen to people I know. people I love. people I pray for. A knife was held to her throat. A man used her for pleasure. this happens in books, movies...not in real life, to people like me? How worthless, dirty, unloved, alone does she feel? And now she is 15, and is left with this man's child. Her education has just ended, her dreams, everything has just been ruined, and completely changed by this selfish, dirty man.

She's 15. And she is going to raise a child, while dealing with the memories of a crazed man who found her in her sleep, held a knife to her throat, and made her submit to him.

I don't know how to say what I feel right now. Because this hurts me so bad. My heart physically hurts. I just want her to know she is beautiful, and that she is worth so much more than this world can give her. I want to apologize for not speaking with her for years. I want to hug her, and hear what is on her heart. I want to give her everything. But, I also want this man to feel regret. I am angry with him, and people like him.

I just finished Under the Overpass. I am realizing the huge misconception that I (and the general subarbanite community) have about homelessness.

Everyone seems to think that being homeless just means having to sleep outside. (If that were the case, I would love to be homeless). Churches have "sleep-out" night for "homeless awareness". But, I am realizing that it is so much more than that. It is the feeling of complete loneliness, smelling so bad that you can't stand yourself, and not being about to do anything about it. It is about begin so unloved and looked down on and treated like trash that you start to believe the lies yourself. Watching people walk by and no one will even make eye contact with you, because they are uncomfortable and embarassed.

I have never felt that, but it hurts me that some (many) people do feel like that every day, and some have felt like that for decades. I want to love them. They need love so bad, and I know where they can find it. I want to show them.

(The autobiographer gave some great ideas, and I can't wait to take some action!)

in love with the trees

I can't explain how I feel right now (as usual).

It's like I look outside, and I see the leaves falling and the season changing, and I go on walks, and I am making incredible memories, and learning great new things, and I am getting to know people and I feel happy.

But then I have to make so many difficult decisions, no matter how minuscule they may seem, and I feel like I am getting old, and that scares me.
It scares me that I don't know what I am feeling. I am afraid of being numb.
There are so many things I want to do so bad. Paint, and write, and make music, and play music, and meet new people, and make some memories, and love people and learn and change (even though I am scared).

But, I feel like time is going too fast, and I just want to hold it back and make it wait for me.

p.s. The Format makes me so happy.

ooo my

i am so confused right now.

i am not being honest with myself, so there is no way i am going to be honest on here...not now.



i am back in this regimented schedule, and i am acting less like myself. i don't do the crazy things that i usually do. life has gotten less...lively.

In band we are playing an absolutely incredible song called "A Movement for Rosa", and it is beautiful, and intense, and heartbreaking, and overwhelming.

At the beginning, there is an incredible flute solo, and that makes my heart completely melt, then it gets intense...really intense, and my heart beats fast, and I get really focused. Then it ends in a solemn, gentle hymn, and I seriously start crying while playing it, everytime.

It's like when you listen to Sigure Ros, or Explosions....except you are playing it.

I'm not even a very outwardly emotional person, but there are a few things that are so filled with beauty, that I don't really know how else to respond.



I need sleep, but I think I am going to stay up tonight and worship my sweet Jesus.

Wait!

One time, i was talking to a friend, and we are fairly similar. we were talking about how whenever i get close to somebody or a situation, i pull myself away. As soon as things get going really well, and I start to act more like me...I pull away. With friends, family, and....more honestly, boys. I hate it too. I know these people are amazing, and beautiful and i just...oh...i let them go!

But, today something has been hurting me. And it's this consistent feeling of regret that I always have. It's this pain, I have never felt, it's like a million knives in my chest, unlike anything else.

I never want to feel this again. I never want to regret again. When or if the chance comes again, i want to pour out my heart, become what I AM. I will be strong. And if that's all I can give....if that is everything...there is nothing I could regret.

i love making people laugh.

sometimes i meet people, and it is really easy to be myself around them...they just bring out the best in me. Around other people, I am kind of restrained, and quiet, and it takes a while or certain situations before I truly act like myself.

Tonight, was one of those situations. Now, around these people, I feel more like me than I did before. and it feels....freeing almost.

I don't understand myself.

How can I have an wonderful day, but still feel lonely?

I spent the morning studying Ecclesiastes and drinking coffee with an incredible woman. Then I went with a new friend downtown. We went to the Darfur refugee thing put on by Doctors without Borders (which was INCREDIBLE, and i must speak of it later). And I went to the art museum with my new friend. and we talked and talked about everything. Religiosity, Faith, Humanity, Love, Beauty, our Dreams. Then we sat, in the middle of this city, in the middle of a great day...and my heart sank.

And i don't know why. Is it my feelings for refugees all over the world? My frustrations with the world? My dreams and desires? or is it all self-deprecation?


(I am writing this from my new [to me] desk. my dad found it for me because i will need it for the computer he is building me!)

I met an incredible man today. And he has inspired me and encourage me. He is a humanitarian aid worker. He has been to the worst war zones in the world. His life sounds so perfect.

making memories

two wonderful documentaries.

a choir of absolutely beautiful children from Uganda.

a man, a refugee, from Sierra Leone.

sleeping under the stars . waking up to the sky.

time alone.

running.

tennis. frolf.

walks.

chicago.

friends. ahhhh, friends.

worshipping my Savior through it all.

getting back in the habit.


Jesus has satisfied me.

http://music.aol.com/popeater/2007/09/13/video-premiere-fall-out-boy-im-like-a-lawyer-me-and-you/

I've been placed in this program at school, where I leave during my lunch period and go to an elementary school and help out in a classroom. I will write three essays about it this semester. First, I was attracted to this opportunity because I get to park at school one day a week for free. And second, I don't have to take a final. ha.

BUT, after orientation at the elementary school....my motives have changed completely and I am crazy excited.

I found out that I was placed with a special ed. class! There are three amazing boys in the class. I get to work one-on-one with them. AND oh...they make me so happy!
First conversation with one of the girls in another class:

Her: Hi What's your name?

Me: Whitney, what's yours?

Her: What'syourname?

Me: I'm Whitney, what is your name?

Her: are you in my class? Do you want to go for a walk with Lauren?

Me: uhhh...i would love to go for a walk, Lauren!

Her: What's your name?

And she was incredibly overjoyed that i would play with her and go for a walk with her. I hate going back to school afterwards.

during church this morning i was sitting alone, which is fine, i don't mind.

but, i started to feel lonely. i started to miss people. and i was worshipping God, and i was content, but i was crying at the same time because i was sad.

and when these pe0ple say they miss me too....i feel even more sadness.

oh what a wonderful cylce. Tears all the time!

oh Sunday.

i wish i weren't the most mature person in the room.
i feel like i am babysitting a bunch of children who have never heard of respect.

i am being vague....i could just say what i am thinking..

Youth group used to be good. I was challenged, we worshiped as a community, learned as a community, and grew, now i kind of dread going. I'm not even close to being the oldest student there, but i feel like i am. YES, i like to have fun. BUT, i love to worship, and i love to learn. And it really makes me mad when people (...ahem...) can't respect each other or the teacher or even God. A friend and I renamed youth group as "ARG$%&#!!" because that is how we feel whenever we go.


I am going to explode pretty soon.


I need someone who understands me. someone who challenges me. questions me. makes me think harder. someone who is in love with Jesus, and isn't going to forget [about] me....people tend to do that. What i really need is a community.

And this isn't about "filling" me either. It's more about loving Jesus, loving our Father, loving people, living and changing and growing as a group of people who have similar dreams. As a human, I need that and long for that.

"How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions. "

-Og Mandino

rush of blood

Ah. I say I don't like band most of the time, but truly i love it.

They make me so happy. they make me laugh...really hard. they do the crazy things that i want to do.
Marching a show gives you so much adrenaline, and it is incredibly intimate. Even though we have fun together, there are moments when you know everyone else is soaring and their hearts are beating so hard, and they can feel their bodies shaking...just like you. and it it an intense feeling.

i guess the real reason i like these people is because i am so comfortable with them, that i can act just like i would if i were alone. i can dance around the room and act silly, and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the top of my lungs, or can sit alone, or be quiet, or talk to all 150 people....and no one cares. everyone knows it is "just Whitney" and they like me just as much.


right now, i am content.
and tired.

Goodnight

I am so overwhelmed by all the people changing the world. i am meeting so many who deeply care about issues of the world...and are DOING SOMETHING. They are doing something I am not.
So, I can volunteer a lot, and join a bunch of clubs, but seriously what am doing?

Honestly, I just don't know where to start. I am making a new goal right now. Everyday, I will have at least one conversation about Darfur. Hopefully with new people everyday, but maybe not. I want to do so much more, I have so many ideas, but I just drop them so easily. No one here ever talks about changing the world, none of my friends here, no one has been encouraging me to live for greater things, so I have been giving up real easily lately. And I hate this, because I don't need anyone else, I can do this on my own, i am just getting lazy, and getting sucked into society.


i think i am going to join a jazz combo. get back into the habit.

i spent a couple hours today with some beautiful puppies. Just born a couple weeks ago, they fit into the palm of my hand.

i had two girls in my hand and they were real cold, and shivering, so they curled up against me, and just slept there. And their mother lay next to me with her head on my lap.

The mother is so protective of her children. She is a perfect mother. She wouldn't leave their side for 2 weeks, and she sits and guards them when new people and other dogs come near. She lets the father play with the pups, she knows when they are hungry and when they are tired. And she spends all her time with them, and it drains all the energy from her.

It is incredible. and so beautiful, that she knows all this. No one ever taught her how to be a mother, she didn't even know her mother, but still she is perfect.

Times like this prove how absolutely perfect God is. His beauty leaves me in awe...every time.

no one can piss me off like she can.

no one can make me feel worse about myself than her.

no one can screw up my words and thoughts like her.

no grown woman can act more like a child than her.

my piano has gotten a little dusty over the past couple of weeks. today, i finally sat down and played for a couple hours this morning. i don't know how i go so long without playing.
i think i have finally figured out why i don't really like people to listen or watch me play. Playing it such an emotional and intimate thing for me, that when someone just says "good job, it sounded pretty", it kills me. I want whoever listens to sit there, like i do, with their heart overflowing with the joy or sorrow that the music brought them. there are only two...no, three who have ever done this.

One of them, comes over to my house, and he sits in the chair next to the piano and asks me to play. He will sit there for hours and keep asking me to play more. Another, comes over, or I go to her house, and we both play whats on our hearts. We mutually understand what the other is going through if we just open up and play.
The third, ah the third, you would find a bit silly. But, she is always next to me when i play. She sings the notes to all her favorites, and knows them by heart. Her favorites are my favorites. Sometimes she cries when I play, and sometimes she smiles, but she always listens with such intensity and longing. You would think i am crazy if you knew.

i miss them right now.

what kind of fool goes to school an hour early and gets home 7 hours after it is over?

It's 9:30. I am just starting to study. I haven't practiced any instrument today yet. Maybe I'll eat dinner...and lunch (because i don't have a lunch period)....ugh...sometime soon.

And i get to do it again tomorrow.


BUT, i think this time is pretty awesome for meeting/influencing/being influenced by other people. Not many other times in your life are you going to be forced to be around the same people, talk to these people, get pretty intimate with these people for 13 years in a row. And they have to be around you too. they have no choice but to talk with you. You don't have do ANY work to meet new people.

i have so much to say. just not here.

"I hope people of my generation are pissed off"
"I think if Jesus were on earth now He'd be a little frustrated with the Church"

I was driving about 4o today, in a 35, and this mini van pulls out and cuts the person off behind me, then as they pass me going about 50, they give me an evil glare. Then, once in front of me, the words "SMILE, God loves you" that are pasted to their car glare at me.
pssh? oh jeez. I was angry,no...I was disturbed , but I couldn't help but just laugh at this opprobrium to the Church.

i've been frolfing a few times a week lately. i kind of just invite someone different every time, and i have had incredible amounts of fun every time. i think one of the bests parts is driving out there (wherever there is depending on where i go). But, I am getting pretty good at it. I also keep seeing people from school there, and they always invite me to come back with them...but i have yet to go. they are always large groups of boys...and it is a little awkward to be the only girl in a group of very close boys.


Life has been good lately.
There is a perfect balance of being around people and being alone right now. I feel strong. Independent, but not cut off. I am making new friends, and loving the old more than ever. I am learning. and changing and imagining and dreaming and acting.

and i lost my voice because i sing too much.

and i don't know why i look for new friends, when the ones that have always been there are still perfect for me. i can't forget them. i can't let them down.

i love sharing life with other people. people who understand. who experience the same things. who can explain how you feel when you are unable to. who can sing with you. laugh with you. cry with you. dream with you.

my parents think i am a freak

because i don't want to be around people every night in the weekend.

because i would rather walk to school then drive, or get a ride.

because i like to be alone sometimes.


they think i need a psychoanalysis or something. oh goodness.

A conversation started today about surviving in the wild, and having to eat each other to survive. some very intelligent, but ethically-lacking people said they would eat me if they had to survive. First of all disgusted, then very angry at their selfishness, I brought up the lifeboat situation.

We ended up discussing if you and another person are on a lifeboat, and one has to be thrown off and die, otherwise you both die, what would you do. (i doubt this would ever actually happen). Every person (there were 10) said they would throw the other person off! I was really pissed off by the arrogance by the time I had a moment to speak. I really wanted to just tell them all they were a bunch of arrogant, selfish teenagers, but I held back. I tried to explain my theory for jumping off willingly, but they just didn't get it. I kept explaining myself, telling them how maybe the other person would live differently after this act of self sacrifice . And FINALLY, after several explanations, one person asked, "kind of like Jesus sacrificed his life for us?".

OOoh my goodness! this was so encouraging to hear someone who doesn't believe Jesus is their savior get this. They understood...aaaah! I was ecstatic.

Anyways, the majority of them changed their answer, except for a stubborn few, and I am so glad that they are beginning to understand this. Yessss, after two years with these people in band, we finally get into a decent conversation where they are actually thinking about their ethics and motives!

the girl who sits next to me in english was wearing TOMS shoes today.

someone was wearing a "save darfur" shirt.

yes

today was good. really good. I got up extremely late, and while showering, I realized that I didn't have a ride to school, so i jumped out of the shower grabbed my backpack and ran to school. of course, i put some clothes on first. About 15 minutes after school started, I walked onto the soccer fields. At this point, I notice more than just cars in the parking lot. All the students were outside due to a fire alarm being pulled. Sweet, no detention!

Then, I learned so much in school today. it was incredible. i understood everything, and soaked it in. ahhhh. it feels good to know knew things. I am also taking this PSAT class, and I am learning so much vocabulary, which i can't wait to use! Yesss.

Nerd Nerd Nerd

oooo yess, and i started swimming today, with the funniest people i know. All four of them could probably be stand up comedians. i was laughing so hard, that i had to stop swimming and i started to drown a few times, and the teacher kept reprimanding me. i laugh like this for about 4o minutes everyday. i love it. i love these people. i love this class.

i can't believe that i am enjoying school so much.

simplifying

i have started clearing out my room in the past hour or so. lots of things are in boxes and bags.

this sounds so lame, but i had a hard time putting my shoes in bags. i like shoes. i have spent way too much money on shoes. my parents, and my grandfather have spent way too much money on shoes for me. i hate it. it makes it much harder to get rid of them.

Plus, i really just like shoes. haha....wow i sound so lame. but it is true. and i know it is stupid.

Living like Jesus and forgetting the things of the world? or Shoes?

hmmm...real tough, right?


ALSO, i never realized how many books i have! I was clearing out one bookshelf, and got 2/3 of the way done, then i found books from piles all over my room, and filled up the 2/3 of the bookshelf that was empty. then I found more. oh goodness.

I am keeping a lot of them. getting rid of about half.

i know that i am supposed to live simply. i really want to live simply. But, i change my idea of "simple" every time i turn around. and i feel sick and my heart is sore every time i walk into my home. there is so much unnecessary crap. i really can't stand it anymore.

living simply is NOT owning 30 pairs of shoes, or having clothes stuffed in the back of the closet that you don't even wear. living simply isn't having two bookshelves full of books, especially when children all over the world have never touched a book!

i feel guilty and dirty for having so much...stuff.

the same way i feel when i drink out of a plastic water bottle. or watch the children sleeping in water filled cellar in Uganda.

Also, I am sick of just saying i will do these things.
i made a plan (that i must tell my parents first to achieve).

and here it is: this [four day] weekend i will buy a pair of TOM'S shoes, and get rid of all other shoes except running shoes, and sandals. i will clean out my clothes from my closet and dresser that i do not wear, do not need, or have too many of (this is a lot). i will give most of my books away (i need to keep some). Also, there is just a lot of other crap in my room that i need to give away or sell and give that profit away.

this isn't one of those "i will do it" things...as long as things go smoothly with my parents. i REALLY plan on doing this in two days.

now i am going to speak with my parents. yikes!

sometimes...i really do not like (abhor, dislike intensely,despise, look down on contemptuously) boys.

really. a lot. indubitably. legitimately. positively.

i am a coward.

i might be crazy

but, i find it extremely refreshing when i hear other Christians swear.

i don't know why.
or maybe i do.

yea, i do know.
i was just being a pansey and didn't want to write it up here, but i just talked myself into it.

it is refreshing because people swear around Christians, and then they say sorry like they broke a rule or something. People can't be themselves around Christians, speak like they speak around Christians. Why? Are Christians better than other people? More intelligent? Judgemental? umm...nope. no way. ever heard of Jesus?

So, when i hear people that are in love with Jesus swear, I know that they are not following the stupid Christian religion rulebook, and I know that regular, foolish, silly people like myself can act normal around them. I know that they are real. Not the plastic, fake, lifeless people that seem to be in a lot of churches.

And it makes me smile when Francis Chan swears, and people in the congregation gasp, and stiffen up. i am glad he did that.

laughter is lacking in my life

i wish i could make people understand that Christianity is not religion, it's not rules.
i want people to know that it is the most romantic love story ever.

why is "Love Me" so hard to understand and so easy to mess up?

a king in my eyes

he's not supposed to get hurt.

he's not supposed to feel pain.

this man that named me rose.

this man who makes me feel so special.

makes me feel loved.

this incredibly wise man, who never finished high school.

he had a painting done of me. twice, because the first one wasn't good enough. the man who greets everyone he sees, and is able to love everyone no matter what. the man who is so old, but seems so innocent. this man who has been through more than i could imagine.

a widower to his suicidal wife. a father to children who won't speak to him. a grandfather to a child who was never loved. a recovered alcoholic. a diabetic. a hospitable man.

the man who gives his grandchildren everything they need. who will do anything for me. who will take me to New York, and make sure I am in the perfect care. who would take me around the world, and fulfill all my dreams if he could. who will never let a boy come near me who is not perfect.

this man is dying.

that is what he told me.

the diabetes are killing him.

pneumonia, infection, hallucinations.

the diabetes have worn down his body, and he can't handle it.

i remember when i was a small child, i would stay at his house. one night we were joking around, and a tapped him in his gut, but i didn't realize my strength, and it hurt him. i saw pain in his face. i went running upstairs and hid myself in my room, in tears. how could i hurt him? such a strong person? someone i loved so much?

after a few minutes of guilt and regret, and a pillow covered in tears, there was a knock on the door. he came in and held me, and gave me a frozen candy bar. the candy bar that he would have eaten when his blood sugar got low, but instead gave it to me. then we sat on the bed, and he held me until the tears stopped, and the candy bar was gone.

i remember this summer, when i would go through all his old photos from high school, and his soccer years, his children that i never met. he would answer my never ending questions about his life. i wanted to know everything. who is this man that i love? and he never got tired of telling me and teaching me, at least he never showed it.

this man deserves no more pain.

this man whom i call Gramps.

this man who is not related to me by blood.

this man who loves me so much.

this man

i love.

a couple days ago, i was not dreading going back to school, but not wanting to go back either.

after some thinking and circumstances, i am excited and anxious to get back to school. i feel this way because i know this year will be different. i know, i know it sounds cliche. but, the thing is i am incredibly different this year. schoolwork is no longer of much importance to me.

i want to meet new people, love new people, learn from people, teach new people, be with new people. And, yes, they are the same people that i have grown up with...but i know maybe 5% of them, so there are plenty more, different people that may understand me....maybe (maybe not).


i found someone who listens to Stars and is going to the concert with me...from school. weird.
i bought a new shirt on monday night, wore it tuesday to band, someone told me they had a dream about me with that shirt on, with this guy at a concert. then she introduced me to this guy, and he likes Stars. i am kind of (really) creeped out. does this actually happen?

i am having such a hard time writing down what i am feeling

i can't play the piano. every time i sit down to play, i get in trouble because it is too loud.
or they decide to do something...like their taxes, or read, or are on the phone, or check their e-mail, and the piano is too noisy and they can't concentrate. and i am told to leave.

and then i get grounded for not practicing enough.

and i get yelled at for losing the chord to my keyboard that they swear is my brothers, and he actually lost the chord.
and then i get screamed at that my room is too messy...that is why i lost the chord, which i didn't actually lose.,
then i get my books/keys/phone taken away because they distract me from keeping my room clean.

yes, i am a bit frustrated.

and i know this is selfish.
and stupid.
all the same, i am still angry.

places to go

i am feeling lonely, and no one has even left yet.
i am scared of the loneliness that i will feel in a short while.

incredible relationships have been made this summer. relationships that make me want to know Jesus, that make me think, make me question, make me love, make me live.

i hate that so many people i love will be gone in a week. i fear the loneliness that i felt earlier this year. i am afraid of sitting alone in my room every night and knowing that no one want to be with me...even my family.
i really have no friends here. i can't stand high school any more. no one understands me. it is so hard to be here where no one understands you, and know that there is a place where you are understood, but you can't go. you have to wait. you have to be patient.

and it hurts.
it hurts me.

if just one person around me understood me. had dreams of something more, something bigger.
but, where are these people and how do i find them, contact them, and know them?

i so badly want this school year to be over, and it hasn't even started.
why can i not just be content with now?? right now?

"For a while the hobbits continued to talk and think of the past journey and of the perils that lay ahead; but such was the virtue of the land of Rivendell that soon all fear and anxiety was lifted from their minds. The future, good or ill, was not forgotten, but ceased to have any power over the present. Health and hope grew strong in them, and they were content with each day as it came, talking pleasure in every meal, and in every word and song." -J.R.R. Tolkien

coincidence?

Yesterday i found out that i will spend next summer in the Amazon Jungle in Peru.

Yesterday there was a major earthquake in Peru. hundreds dead, thousands injured, tens of thousands lost their homes.

Uhh...Weird?

today was incredible.

i ran my first triathlon today. i had so much fun. it was challenging, and it was exciting, and the adrenaline was pumping, and aaaahhh...so good. it is like a big party; there is music playing the whole time, and people cheering you on, and it is crazy fun. anyone can do it if they train well. and i would highly recommend that everyone does a triathlon in their life.
it keeps running through my mind. i am still excited about it. ha. i really am a newb.

As for the Darfur event; i love when people i love began to care deeply about the things i care about. it is so cool to see my brother get angry over injustice! and for my mom to be able to explain divestment to my grandmother. and for my friends to see ignorance and complacency and realize something is terribly wrong.


tonight i realized that i haven't read any book in a week, and i haven't played my piano in several weeks. yessssss. tomorrow i am free :)

almost here

the big day is tomorrow.

my nerves are high


anxious, excited, nervous
i hope that after some sleep i will feel more calm and at ease.

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I iwll try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me
Maybe you don't
Either you will or you won't
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way
I'm gonna stay
Right for you

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won't be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way

-Wilco

tired
frustrated
scared


this hurts

i can't stop thinking.
i can't sleep either.
i guess those are both kind of good things.

people keep asking me if i am glad to be back, and i haven't been able to answer them clearly. but, now i am able to. the answer is No.

America is boring. the colors are dull, people are much meaner, and more selfish. lines are straight. everything is sanitary, and insulated, and isolated, and untouchable.
How can we live like this?
how can we really live without blurring all these lines? live with vibrancy, and color. have happiness.

corporations and fear of terrorism control everything here. in other countries, you get sick, break your leg, go to the hospital and get fast, quality care and pay very little.
AND they're not drowning in taxes either.

non Americans smile and greet and people they don't even know. not here.
people are real. you can tell by their eyes. they seem much deeper, and fuller. full of kindness and wisdom. not here.
here, all eyes are the same. dull, flat.

and the color. o man, the colors. so full of joy and life. and joy in life. when i look at green here it seems so dull.



yea. even though it seems dull here in the burbs, i'm sure its not like that everywhere in America. and i don't think it has to be like that. i think we can change it. that's for another time though.

an addition to my last post.

so, technology huh?

I feel like there are two ways we respond to it. either we can use it in harmony with God, or it will create an independence/arrogance from God. It could make us selfish.

so, Rob Bell made some things clear to me...there are degrees of separation from God.
-we are isolated from the cost of things. Say you pay $1 for a tomato from the grocery store in February. We (assuming other people do this too) don't even think about the tomato in vineyard in...Colombia (where do tomatoes grow?), and the cost for the farmer, the gas for the truck, for the plane, for the other truck, for the bag we put it in. We are isolated from that.
- isolated from consequences. A study was done on a baby inside the womb, and there were so many toxins in there...from the food the mother was eating. I'm sure there is an exact number, but still. our technology isolates us from the consequences.
- isolated from the environment. Has it ever been 90 degrees outside and you were wearing a sweater inside an air conditioned building? Other countries go for months in 100 degree weather without AC.
-isolated from the source. buying "Fresh" tomatoes in Illinois in the winter! why not buy things locally grown, it makes you much more connected to the source. This tomato experienced the same rain/sun/weather as you did. you are closer to the source, you can meet the people that picked it...it does more to your soul. (Farmer's mark, Grow your own).
It saves oil consumption and connects you with society/issues.

How about the car? (this is kind of sickening because I have the option of being lazy starting tomorrow...or today perhaps) Can you walk or ride a bike more places? It's hard to consider the lilies at 70 mph, and how about looking at the birds when you are sealed up in glass/metal?
We keep counteracting ourselves. sit in a car-go to a health club-sit in a car some more.
so..you don't have enough time?!? You do have time, we have just messed up our view of it. like...you don't have time because you have to watch a TV show?

GET THIS...if you didn't drive your car for 2 days, ,it would save 1,590 lbs of carbon dioxide emissions. What if a whole city did this ?!? Just park the stupid car, put down the remote, and go outside..we are isolated and insulated.

We have machines that cancel each other out. like we have a machine to put moisture in the air. then we suck it out with another machine. like our washer and dryer. If you just hang your clothes up-put moisture in the air, while they dry out.


and how 'bout that iPhone. is there any way this has provided unnecessary degrees of separation. I think we would be surprised if we consumed less. I think we would be much more connected to God and the issues of society.


sleep should probably stop this rambling.

this is unclear/confusing. sorry.

uh...never mind that last post. ha.

anyways. I have learned a bunch today. I listened to a sermon series by Rob Bell called "God is Green", and I would recommend that you go download it from the Mars Hill podcast, and listen real well.

It is basically about how it was God's idea to take care of the world, and Christians have not stood up, and that is unacceptable. WE ought to be leading the way of living simpler lives.

Job chapters 38-41 are crazy. God is so in love with His creation, he goes on and on about wild asses, and hippos, and crocodiles. I was laughing out loud while reading this scripture. God is sarcastic and funny!
God is not at all about production, but pleasure from creation. And he's not about consumption, but celebration.
We shouldn't be asking ourselves 'what more can we make from creation for our good?" but simply celebrating is and delighting in it because it just is.

For instance....what do we do with flowers? well, we kill them, and then stare at them. So obviously, captivating beauty does SOMETHING to us.
God desires for us (whom He loves) to live in sustainable relationship with God's creation (which he loves). A proper relationship.

WE AREN'T DOING THINGS. WE AREN'T TREATING EARTH WELL.

We are exploiting his creation by using things for our own purposes without regard to their well being. (exploitation--whatever you need, consume what you need to get it)
We are being the entitlement of his creation--we are simply strangers in God's land.

WE NEED TO SIMPLIFY

It is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

The truth in this keeps slashing at my soul

i am sick of it

I am back from Harry Potter world now.

glad to be back, but enjoyed my time

Stars tickets go on sale today!

[Chicago, Vic Theatre, Fri Nov 2]

ah jeeeez :)

O man, I adore christmas music.

muddled meandering

In the last year, I have changed so much, learned who Jesus was, and fell in love with him. My faith has increased, along with a greater understanding of truth, hope, and love. I keep making my ideals higher and higher...and I am finally doing something about it.

I am about to fill out an application to spend my next summer in the Amazon jungle in Peru. My days are filled with learning about other countries, and trying to make other people understand what I have been learning. The American dream is no longer my dream...at all. In fact it disgusts me. The life I am living is filled with a purpose, and it isn't my own purpose. (and it feels so good :))

Usually about this time in the summer, I am dreading school beginning, but not this year. I don't really care if I have friends at school, or about the stress of classes, or even if I fail my classes. I want this school year to not be focused on me at all, and I have SO MANY IDEAS just floating around in my head...I don't want to wait to take ACTION!

But that is a month away...and I can wait. The weird thing is...I am excited about NOW also!

Is not that awesome?!? NOW! There never has been, and never will be right now again. and I am wasting now on this silly blog. ha.

Lately, I have been learning about the differences between men and women. And, I can't say I am a complementarian or egalitarian, because I am beginning to believe that God made a woman because Adam was lonely, and needed someone who could understand him and he could tell about the billions of animals he named in the last hundred years, and someone to experience with him the incredible love of God that was being poured out on them before the Fall. BUT, while I believe Eve did "complement" Adam in a way, she was completely equal to him, and God didn't make Eve someone else for Adam to be in control of. She was there to help Adam watch over everything else...she was equal to him in God's eyes.

And I think not understanding the opposite sex is a common feeling for most people. And I think in spite of our differences, there are certain things that tie us all together as humans, providing something common for us to understand each other. Maybe we are all unique, but we still share desires, drives, fears and loves that makes us understand each other, male or female.

Despite begin male or female- we love those who are given to us even if we can't keep them safe. Male or female- our hearts break for the people that are suffering around us, and far away from us. When we feel everything is lost, we all throw broken prayers up hoping there is a God who hears. We give time, tears, money. We all lay awake in the night. We all toss our love into the darkness, with nothing except a tiny sliver of white hope that we will succeed or what we do will matter-even if we know we will definitely fail, we would do it all anyway. Male or female, we will continue t0 be true to the Love that calls us out of darkness.

(inspired by Donald Miller and Kristen McCarty)

Uncomfortable with Comfort

Last night, after watching IC (again), and having a three hour long conversation about genocides around the world, how to change the world, how to get rid of ignorance, how to decide what to do with all this knowledge about genocides, I felt completely overwhelmed and utterly dumbfounded about what to do next. My heart felt heavy...it physically felt heavy and it hurt. Then, realizing that God can do ANYTHING, and knowing that other people are going to be there, I felt the greatest relief I have ever felt.


I woke up three hours later, and watched an incredible sermon video by Louie Giglio. It was intense. He talked about how God is wild at heart, and how he went against the world. In this world, we are taught to settle for the existing, live the American dream, be comfortable, and our minds are shrinking down to something smaller than what God has put there. All of the things we've done, places we've been, our position, power, things are all going to be gone. We need to live our lives with ETERNAL PURPOSE.
And we are made in God's OWN IMAGE. That is so overwhelming. I am not made in the image of some little nobody with a plain, run-of-the-mill life...I am made like the crazy, inordinate, creative, incredible God!
God BREATHED INTO US when he made us. Think of Adam. First, God picked up some dirt, and made a man IN HIS IMAGE, then he went up to him and exhaled into Adam's nose. THINK OF IT! Adam's first breath that he breathed out was God's breath. And that is what He does with each of us!
We aren't a product of circumstances, or our family, or our upbringing...we are a product of DESTINY.

Jesus wants us to live! Wild, crazy, adventurous lives! Shepherds go AHEAD of sheep (stupid, blind, vulnerable sheep). They lead sheep to a pasture (the fullness of a sheep's life).

THINK about Peter, for instance. He's a fisherman and leaves the family business to follow Jesus (this is crazy. his whole life is about this business and meets this dude, and there is just something about him, that makes him follow Jesus). So then he devotes 3 years of his life to following him. I'm sure Peter had to tell the family that he quit the business so he could wander around...oh you know, he went for a pretty cool boat ride, and walked on some roads. AND THEN, after devoting 3 years of his life to following a guy around, some guards come to arrest and kill the man he is devoted to! As soon as he met this man, his life became crazy and wild. And not only this, but, he left a legacy--a life that didn't end but changed the world.
Your past, circumstances, family, failure, ethnicity don't stop God--he can supersede EVERYTHING!

OR... do a little research on George Washing Carver. God changed the world through this man by using a PEANUT! what?!? yea, that's right.... A PEANUT!

God could blow your mind. Is your story boring? (mine is) Do your circumstances suck? Because God will use you to build a legacy on his story.

Just like ships, we float through each other's lives
Through the waters of beauty and grace
We will one day dock at the same port
And give rest to our weary legs
There is a light placed up in the sky
Like the stained-glass, time slows down

I wish I could sleep- I wish I could dream

I love the sound of my feet against these empty streets
I saw the whole town burn down- I'm walking away
Nothing stays- these feelings have wings
Our arms outstretched- we are soaring


Umbrellas

I opened of the newspaper this morning and there was a lovely article about the Decemberists. And apparently I wasn't paying any attention to them, because they are going to be in Chicago with the Grant Park Symphony on Wednesday AND it is FREE!

And I was going to miss it. oh goodness.


Yesterday I went to the library, and I forgot my library card, so I spent several hours there reading The Joy in Loving by Mother T.

She says something along the lines of, We complicate our lives so much by adding so many additions.

But the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, having no one...It is being unwanted that is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.

I love you God. I trust you. I believe in you. These are wonderful prayers.

titles are NONSENSICAL

so...my new doctor is a vegetarian. She told my parents the exact same thing I have been telling them for the past year. it is great.

AND she told me that I have asthma. wonderful. I am training for a stinking triathlon and I have asthma. It is bloody frustrating when I am running or swimming and my muscles are not tired, but my lungs are and they start acting stupid, but I can do it mentally and otherwise physically. I get frustrated with my body and want to rip out my lungs some days. But my lovely doctor gave me some medicine, so I will be able to train. phew.
ALSO...why do I get asthma now? Now that I do some kind of cardio activity everyday for the past year, I get this. People that don't exercise should get this.

the only free place to swim is my school. this is not good because 1. it is from 5am-6am 2. very skilled swim team members are there at the same time as me, and i feel lame 3. i am not sure am actually allowed to be there. oh well. oh yea, I hate training by myself. I push myself pretty far, but then I settle for my own standards, which aren't nearly as high as some other people's. Their standards would make me a much better...*ahem*...athlete.



My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
My body is a cage
That keeps me from dancing with the one I love
But my mind holds the key
I’m standing on the stage
Of fear and self-doubt
It’s a hollow play
But they’ll clap anyway
I’m living in an age
That calls darkness light
Though my language is dead
Still the shapes fill my head
I’m living in an age
Whose name I don’t know
Though the fear keeps me moving
Still my heart beats so slow
My body is a cage
We take what we’re given
Just because you’ve forgotten
Doesn’t mean you’re forgiven
I’m living in an age
Still turning in the night
But when I get to the doorway
There’s no one in sight
I’m living in an age
Realizing I’m dancing
With the one I love
But my mind holds the key
Still next to me
My mind holds the key
Set my spirit free


oh...Kate Nash is great. I can't find an album of hers anywhere :**[
PLEASE, tell me if you know where I could get it!!!

i don't dream anymore. never.

it is the most terrible thing.

something is wrong. i can't figure out why i can't dream.

this makes me incredibly sad. seriously...it makes me cry that i cannot dream.

i can watch a sunset on my own, i can be alone

its frustrating when you see everything wrong with the world and have no idea what to do. its overwhelming me. other people are so good at making other understand. activists know how to make people understand. i don't

corporations run this world. it makes me want to vomit.

i'm sick of how much crap people have. how much my family has. how many THINGS i have.

i think the 4th of july is stupid. it is a week late. whatever. american nationalism is sickening.

im in a bad mood. im angry with the world...with america. im being a jerk.


i'm almost a year older. i have been vegetarian for almost a year. but im still a kid. and kids don't know anything, right?


i wish i could have clear thoughts. complete thoughts. record my ideas. have a clear conversation.
im too confusing, illogical, and unstable. poo.


please...go ride a bike up a hill. then speed down the other side without using the brakes. it will be intense. and thrilling.

a whole lot of rambling...

I think I could spend years living in the woods, with a couple other people to keep me sane.
I am in love with everything about camping. Community is so important in the middle of the woods. Everyone relies on you to do your share and you rely on everyone else too. Since there is no technology, no schedule, and no where else to be, amazing conversations happen. Also, you learn to be completely comfortable in silence with the people you are with.

Not to mention how much fun it is. Hiking, Canoeing, Rock Climbing, Kayaking, swimming, Boating, Water Skiing/tubing, jumping off huge rocks (practically cliffs) into the refreshing water. Simply cooking dinner is fun because of all the work it takes to make a fire and then try to get something to cook on it.

My partial family and someone practically in the family, and another family went. The father in the other family is a youth pastor and had to write a sermon while we were there. So, on one of our hardcore hikes, we got into a discussion about Church and State. (I think it is really stupid that people talk so much about this because it doesn't seem like this should be our main focus as followers of Jesus Christ...but that is for another time). It was probably pretty comical to see six people walking through the woods single file yelling loud so that the people in front and back could hear about God, Jesus, the Church, and a bit of Government.

My brother came to visit us from his summer job while we were camping and he had to go find a laundromat for his 3 weeks worth of dirty clothes. So we all jumped into a car and headed to the nearest town...Baraboo, Wisconsin. There were two places open on a Saturday at 4 pm in downtown Baraboo. One was the 24-hour laundromat, and the other was a place called English Books or something along those lines. I walk into this used book and immediately fall in love. A beautiful golden retriever named Nellie jumped off of her chair to greet me, and a woman with gray hair and hippie garb greeted me with a friendly hello and an offer for a cup of coffee. What I fell in love with most was the smell of the books. There is just something comforting about the aroma that old papers give off. Walls of books stacked from floor to ceiling that were 2 years old to a couple hundred years old surrounded me. Dim lighting from antique lamps, Old wooden kitchen tables with chess boards and books were in the small corners of my new haven. I spent an hour there, but I could have spent days there. I walked out with two paper bags of books and a cup of Freedom Coffee.

My brother teased about me turning into that old lady some day. I can see that....except the coffee would be free, and there would be beds on a second level for anyone who didn't have a place to sleep. It would be like another world for those people...they would be loved and cared for. And there would be pages and pages of other worlds for the people downstairs.


oh yes...If you have read The Irresistible Revolution or know anything about The Simple Way, you may be interested in knowing that a while ago (a couple weeks or more) there was a fire on their street in Kensington. They need prayer, and money, and help. I think the website is thesimpleway.org

I just signed up for a triathlon

I am scared out of my mind.

i am sick of trying to sum up my posts in a couple simple words that i always feel have to be deep or meaningful for some reason.

I went looking for the sunset tonight, but I only got a partial glimpse in this suburb. What I did see were peculiar, bold, vibrant colors. It reminded me of its creator. Jesus was peculiar in his times, he hung out with lepers and freaks. He was incredibly bold and courageous, willing to do anything to show love to the folks who needed it. And Vibrant. No one was like him, no one is like him, no one will ever to be exactly like him. He was different...incredibly different, and that made him shine with vibrancy.

I realized some stupid mistakes I have made. they were exceptionally foolish.
And it is hard for me to grasp that people who care about me (or once cared about me) are never going to accept that I make mistakes, are never going to forgive me for the mistakes I did make, and will have trouble trusting me again. Yes, it is hard for me to know that is happening, but it is awesome that there is someone who knows I make mistakes, and he doesn't really care that I make them...he loves me anyway.

i NEED to start living more like this guy. i feel like Christians or maybe even followers of Jesus have ideals that are high (and are continually getting higher) but our actions are not.

still fighting the complacency, ignorance, indifference, selfishness, and materialism of a common suburbanite.

I'm in love with summer.

i feel so brave in summer. and free. brave and free. i am much more daring to start new relationships, to do things that aren't allowed, to make the most of old friendships, to try the things I learn. Also I feel so free to run, free to do whatever i want with a minimal schedule, free to jump in a lake whenever I want, free to ride my bike through the deer tracks (or into a parked car.ha. that's another story).


I've been spending this week with a friend i haven't seen in a while, and I am feeling much more like myself than I ever do.


I love when silence become comfortable.

coward seeking courage

Things are changing in my life. I am extraordinarily excited. I don't want to sleep or rest or waste any time.

I am so sickened by this default plan that has been laid out for my life by...who? Society? Family? Definitely not God. You know the plan....graduate high school, then college, then get married/get a good job, have a family in the suburbs...ew. That's sounds so far off from what God wants from my life. It seems so wrong, selfish. It disgusts me.

I'm sure college is great for some people, and is part of God's plan for their lives. And I am sure marriage is part of God's plan for some people. But, it's OKAY not to go to college, and I dunno....go to Romania, Calcutta, Chicago, Aurora! And, it's ALRIGHT to live a life of celibacy. In "The Irresistible Revolution" a man tells the author that "We can live without sex, but we cannot live without love, and God is love." How can someone not be in complete awe by a God like that...it is beautiful. GOD IS LOVE.

I don't want to conform to this world any longer. I want to be God's hands, feet, ears. I want to live like Jesus. I want to see heaven on earth. Live. Suck the marrow out of life.

I need an uncompromising commitment to Jesus' teachings. I need a lifestyle that proclaims what is means to be a follower of Jesus in the twenty-first century.

Today is the longest day of the year, which is great!

But...tomorrow, the first day of summer, the days start getting shorter :(

People in motion People in motion

I love not having a schedule :)

Although, I have been fairly busy lately. I started my own business of Dog Walking and Pet Sitting, and that's real fun. Also, I am doing all of the cleaning, house work, and lawn work in my home and getting paid a bit for it...that's nice. I have been volunteering for an animal clinic in Batavia, and also I've been doing some construction with Habitat for Humanity. I'm planning a few hikes, and long bike rides.

I've been reading a bunch too. I discovered a warm, quaint area of my library where no children are screaming, there is nice natural light, and comfortable places to sit. It is the Adult Reading Room, which I am technically not allowed in, but I am going to stay there until I get kicked out. Also, very few people know about it, which is great...and it stays open until 10 pm!

These books that I am reading are screwing me up, and I love it.


I've gotten into the habit of falling asleep anytime I sit down or lay down. It can be quite dangerous too. Last week, I fell asleep in a tree. today, I feel asleep while reading in the blazing sun, which could have ended in bright red skin and a lot of pain, but luckily my loyal pup woke me up. I slept in the park, by the lake, on a swing, on a bridge, on my driveway...
Hmm, I don't know what to do about this.

I'm rambling now.

oh, does anyone ever Repeat after they Lather and Rinse?

And www.thecall.com looks AMAZING!! I wish I could go. So badly, I wish I could go.

happiness; to be dissolved into something completely great

I am spending the week at my grandparent's house, and I am having a lovely time.


There are so many things I hate about this town, like every body's ignorance, but there are some things that I am completely in love with.


I love riding my bike on a trail, and having to stop because a deer is crossing a couple feet in front of me.
I like running running the woods surrounded by sounds of birds and bugs, then coming to a clearing in a cornfield and experiencing absolute silence.
I love walking by teenagers playing a game of softball and being asked to play even though they have no idea who I am.
I love laying in my grandmother's garden at night and looking into the vast sky and not being able to tell the fireflies from the stars.
I love finding a hiding space in the garden and spending all day consumed in the world of my novel.
I love stopping at the dock on my morning run, and talking with the wise, old men who have gone to this dock every morning for their entire lives.
I love napping in the hammock in the shade of the astounding, ancient oak.

:)

Listen to the Exhortation of the Dawn! Look to this Day! For it is Life, the very Life of Life. In its brief course lie all the Verities and Realities of your Existence. The Bliss of Growth, The Glory of Action, The Splendor of Beauty; For Yesterday is but a Dream, And To-morrow is only a Vision; But To-day well lived makes Every Yesterday a Dream of Happiness, And every Tomorrow a Vision of Hope. Look well therefore to this Day! Such is the Salutation of the Dawn!

Lost in the cloud, a voice. Have no fear! We draw near!

a couple more hours and I am halfway finished with high school.

I am crazy excited for summer to begin. Next week I am getting on a train and visiting everyone I know in central Illinois. Possibly cleaning out some grandparents' attics, doing some shopping, some running, some reading, some relaxing, some enjoying :)


This past week I have had such a hunger for more wisdom. I can't wait to get home from school so I can grab my bible and learn so much. I am learning history this way too. I like to go to the library and grab a ton of commentaries on whatever I am reading, and spread them out on the big library tables. Then read them and learn about the people of that time, the geography, the cities, the rulers. everything!

It is incredibly exciting to fall in love more and more with my omniscient, forgiving, personal, eternal, awesome, powerful, omnipresent, graceful, renewing, omnipotent, eternal, holy, redeeming, restoring Savior.