what a day

to be a better friend.

to love deeply.

to laugh without hesitation.

to play without holding anything back.

to greet others with joy and excitement.

to take life in moment by moment.

to not take any person for granted.

to not take any day for granted.

to not be bitter.

to recognize the beautiful things more often than the terrible.

to celebrate everyday.

to have magic, wonder, excitement, hope each day.

What an interesting day today has been. I mourned the loss of a friend, celebrated the life of my grandmother on her birthday (cheers to you Grams, if you're reading!), started an internship at an awesome garden with the awesome-est kids, felt the connection of a vast community of friends and companions as we mourned together.

It's one of those days when your heart sits a little deeper down in your body, closer to your stomach than before.

When your vision is kind of blurry all day and you make other people a little bit more aware of their humanity every time the floodgates open.

When you say, "this f#$%ing sucks" about a millions times.

When your stomach hurts for no physical reason.

When you want to be better the next day than you were the day before.

When you talk a little slower.

When you are more comfortable with silence.

When you appreciate the people you love more than the day before.

When you express your love more freely.

I don't usually just write about my day-to-day life, but I think I'm going to do that.

So, I have classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The class on M/W is six hours, but most of it is spent outside of the classroom, somewhere in LA. For example, today's class was about homelessness, so we read articles of differing opinions before class and wrote about our reaction, then in class we went to Skid Row, where homelessness has been somewhat contained in LA, and we had to just walk around and talk to people. I talked to a man about his opinions on the Missions in the area, and then we had to go work at a Mission as a group afterwards. It was super interesting to hear the viewpoints of the homeless people for whom the services are provided, as well as the viewpoints of the people working in the Missions providing services to the homeless. Other days we learned about health care and visited LA County health center and watched Sicko, we learned about education and visited a charter school, we learned about public transportation and visited the Bus Rider's Union and the Metro Transit Authority (groups of somewhat opposing interests and opinions). It's good for me to learn these things outside of the normal form of education--books and lectures. It seems like a more comprehensive form of education because it involves my brain in reading and writing and thinking critically, but it does not forget the emotional/sentient side of my humanity. I can see, hear, feel, and touch this issues. I feel things deeply rather than just think about them deeply.

T/Th I will work at a garden at an elementary school (for class credit). Tomorrow is my first day! I couldn't be more excited. I made some white bean hummus to share with the other interns for lunch. mmmm, yes.

This past weekend, I had the most wonderful opportunity to get out of LA for a very short while. I met some dear friends after class and drove east to Joshua Tree National Park. Campfire, slept outside, breathed deeply, basked in the 105 degree heat and full-on sun of the desert all day, and climbed all the next day, laughed all the next day, ate some super tasty pizza. It was the most perfectly refreshing weekend I could have asked for. Now I'm back to LA...which is growing on me.

That's all I got, folks.

word vomit.

I miss the woods real bad.

I miss being able to confidently inhale deeply and know that you will feel better.

The safety of the trees. The stars. Critters. Having the people you want to hang out with most a walking distance away at all hours of the day. Mountain people. Swimming in alpine lakes. Wildflowers. Dirt. Being dirty (rather than grimy). My friends.

It's harder to be my honest self here.

I feel tired, upset, on edge most of the time.

I feel useless.

unknown.

alone.

I feel much more alone among the masses of people in the city than when I am alone in the mountains.

just trying to figure things out. and get things out.

City of Angels, Valley of Smoke

The city.

A new city, to me.

There is something unsettled and uneasy inside of me. I have to learn to be myself, and to be a person that I want to be in a new environment. There are moments when I fit in with all the cogs in this machine rather than being me.

I feel myself hardening, already. My words come out of my mouth more harshly than before. The content of my words bring less love, gratitude, and joy than before. Criticism and judgment have replace the gems that used to fill my mind and words.

I've sat on many buses in my life, but now the bus becomes my bus. I've stood on many corners and crossed many streets, but now these corners and these streets are my home. And, at first glance (and many glances after), it doesn't seem like a place fit to be called home, but it must be and will be for a while, while I embrace that idea with little enthusiasm.

I am the luckiest to have a peaceful and quiet home where it is safe to walk around the block at night. It is a secret niche and haven that seems separate from the chaos of this city. I have a kitchen full of delicious and healthy food. I have a balcony that is perfect for reading books on in the evenings.

This life seems contrived to me. City life. Like we are all playing a big game of make-believe. Except no one would ever, in their right mind, dream of a place like this to live, to grow, to bring new lives into.

And I guess my few months here will hopefully be filled with making lives less contrived. I am living in a community inside of the larger one of the city. I, hopefully, will be learning things that help me understand the effects of living in our make-believe world. And, although I will not be stopping the contrived living, I will either be lessening the effects, or teaching youngsters that there is another way to live. We will see how this plays out.

Though we have life, it is beyond us. We do not know how to have it, or why. We do not know what is going to happen to it, or us. It is not predictable; though we can destroy it, we cannot make it. It cannot, except by reduction and the grave risk of damage, be controlled. It is, as Blake said, holy. To think otherwise is to enslave life, and to make, not humanity, but a few humans its predictably inept masters.

(Wendell Berry "Life is a Miracle")

Thy life's a miracle. Speak yet again.

(King Lear, IV,iv,55)