City of Angels, Valley of Smoke

The city.

A new city, to me.

There is something unsettled and uneasy inside of me. I have to learn to be myself, and to be a person that I want to be in a new environment. There are moments when I fit in with all the cogs in this machine rather than being me.

I feel myself hardening, already. My words come out of my mouth more harshly than before. The content of my words bring less love, gratitude, and joy than before. Criticism and judgment have replace the gems that used to fill my mind and words.

I've sat on many buses in my life, but now the bus becomes my bus. I've stood on many corners and crossed many streets, but now these corners and these streets are my home. And, at first glance (and many glances after), it doesn't seem like a place fit to be called home, but it must be and will be for a while, while I embrace that idea with little enthusiasm.

I am the luckiest to have a peaceful and quiet home where it is safe to walk around the block at night. It is a secret niche and haven that seems separate from the chaos of this city. I have a kitchen full of delicious and healthy food. I have a balcony that is perfect for reading books on in the evenings.

This life seems contrived to me. City life. Like we are all playing a big game of make-believe. Except no one would ever, in their right mind, dream of a place like this to live, to grow, to bring new lives into.

And I guess my few months here will hopefully be filled with making lives less contrived. I am living in a community inside of the larger one of the city. I, hopefully, will be learning things that help me understand the effects of living in our make-believe world. And, although I will not be stopping the contrived living, I will either be lessening the effects, or teaching youngsters that there is another way to live. We will see how this plays out.