because i don't often enough feel encouraged to do these things,
i encourage you to be as nuts as possible.
i encourage you to be okay with being sad sometimes.
i encourage you to create. (to make something, know it's good because you made it, and then share it with everyone.)
i encourage you to make your own world.
i encourage you to shake this land.
i encourage you to fail, to have scars rather than live a totally bland life.
i encourage you to give and receive love generously.
i encourage you not to tag people.
i encourage you to have heroes.
i encourage you to be a beautiful loser.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
i want to make a stairway going nowhere. well maybe not nowhere
exactly, more like anywhere."why?" you might ask and
my reply would simply be, with a timid smirk and a
slight wink, "to make you wonder" or perhaps
"to make you wander. wander through
the hallways of your imagination and
through the folds of nowhere and
anywhere that you've never
traveled through
before."
exactly, more like anywhere."why?" you might ask and
my reply would simply be, with a timid smirk and a
slight wink, "to make you wonder" or perhaps
"to make you wander. wander through
the hallways of your imagination and
through the folds of nowhere and
anywhere that you've never
traveled through
before."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
thoughts on knowledge, God, and snow
Ahhhh, there is so much to be learned. Everyday I realize more and more how little I know. So many books to read, ideas to ponder, people to listen to. I love that there is no way I can ever know as much as I want to...reminds me of the mystery of it all.
Think: what if the knowledge and wisdom of every person ever to walk this earth were combined into one being? It would be magnificent, right? Aha certainly, BUT still there is so much that humans have never known and never will. That magnificent amount of knowledge in that imagined being could never measure up to the all-knowing God.
Ah, I don't know...it's all so fascinating and mysterious to me. And even more, His greatness doesn't only have to do with Him being all-knowing. There is just so so much more. (I think A.W. Tozer does a fair job of getting at this in The Knowledge of the Holy)
-----------------------------------------------
Ohmagoodness. the snow. So beautiful. peaceful. calming, even.'
oh oh oh, and one of the best parts of snow is one of my favorite sounds: the rhythmic crunching of the snow under my boot as I walk in it. There is some song that reminds of this sound...I think it's a Sigur Ros song. Aha, yes. It is "Glosoli" on Takk...
Think: what if the knowledge and wisdom of every person ever to walk this earth were combined into one being? It would be magnificent, right? Aha certainly, BUT still there is so much that humans have never known and never will. That magnificent amount of knowledge in that imagined being could never measure up to the all-knowing God.
Ah, I don't know...it's all so fascinating and mysterious to me. And even more, His greatness doesn't only have to do with Him being all-knowing. There is just so so much more. (I think A.W. Tozer does a fair job of getting at this in The Knowledge of the Holy)
-----------------------------------------------
Ohmagoodness. the snow. So beautiful. peaceful. calming, even.'
oh oh oh, and one of the best parts of snow is one of my favorite sounds: the rhythmic crunching of the snow under my boot as I walk in it. There is some song that reminds of this sound...I think it's a Sigur Ros song. Aha, yes. It is "Glosoli" on Takk...
Friday, December 25, 2009
Learn to Enjoy God
So, this is a paper I wrote this semester. This is the fruit of an interview with Richard Foster, so I thought it would be nice if I shared his wise words and stories with you. Umm...oh, I was supposed to submit it to Relevant Magazine...but I never did...but that is what it was written for. It is really nothing outstanding...but Richard Foster is great! (I realize it's kind of lengthy for a blog. o well)
------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of college students feel young and invincible. A lot of us feel like we need to get college over with so we can get started with our lives. But, maybe we are missing our life right now while we are in college. As Richard Foster quoted, “Rest, rest, you have nothing to do but to rest in the Lord.”
Maybe one of our biggest problems as college students is that we are “ready to convert the world at least by tomorrow,” which Foster told me was his attitude in college. Since then, he has learned to be a little more patient about changing the world.
We revolve a lot of our lives around time, but maybe in order to live more spiritually-full lives, we need to live outside of time. Foster quotes John Muir in saying that we need “to become time-rich. To become rich in time, that’s a good thing.” In Foster’s life, he exercises “time-richness” by going to the canyon near his home in Denver. Most days, he is out there for an hour or two, just to get in touch with creation. Like many people, when he is in creation, he feels much more connected to God. He slows down to spend time with the trees and the flowers and the birds. Some days, he just listens to the wind for a while.
“The creation reflects the order, the glory, and the goodness of the creator,” and maybe it is in all these things that God can teach us. Perhaps what’s missing on a lot of college campuses is the slow life that Foster finds in his canyon. Foster describes this lifestyle many of us students have chosen as “hurry sickness” and he says that “all of us are affected by it.”
Perhaps a benefit of not being in a hurry is a better prayer life. A lot of times I find myself and the people around me rushing into prayer. We approach God in a hurry like we approach the rest of our life. Foster really encourages everyone to be more patient with themselves. He said, “One of the old writers said, ‘We learn to pray as we can and not as we can’t.’”
As a college student, Foster used to get up at four o’clock in the morning to try to pray. He would find himself falling asleep, so he would stand up against a wall, but he found out that he is capable of falling asleep even standing against a wall. “You have to learn to pray as you are able to. You have to take it one step at a time. God is a lot more patient with us than we are with ourselves.”
Rather than just slowing down in our prayer lives, Foster suggests “we learn to pray in such a way that it doesn't take any time in a sense but it occupies all of our time.” Part of the beauty in this new attitude and lifestyle of slowing down is that it is a lifestyle of constant prayer. As we live our lives, we are also “bringing our hearts to God.”
I had to agree with Foster when he told me that he thinks the biggest struggle for college students is distraction. “We have ten thousand things coming at us”, and we are distracted by technology, school, work, relationships, and it really is difficult to focus on loving God when we feel like we need to focus on the other 9,999 things that are whirring around our minds. Maybe it is our modern lifestyle that has made us like this, but I think it is just our human nature that makes us “constantly jumping up, going here, and going there.”
We need to find ways “in which we learn to let go of distraction so that our lives can focus, focus on God of course.” In college, we are so intent on accomplishing and making friendships, and there is nothing wrong with that, but we need to remember what we are on this earth for. There is a time for studying and learning. Foster said that for him, “studies were a way of honoring God and worshipping God” when he was in school. Learning and studying is definitely a good thing and can bring glory to God, but what can we do now to live a much more rich life?
Richard Foster has spent a lot of time on college campuses and in the presence of college students. He is more than just a writer; he is a deep thinker and an incredibly kind man of great wisdom. He studied at George Fox University and Fuller Theological Seminary and has been a professor at several universities.
On my college campus, it is definitely a little difficult to go to the wilderness and get away from the busyness of city life. But, as Foster says, if we want to slow down, “we ruthlessly cut out hurry in our lives. We learn not to be so full of hurry.” He encouraged me to take a walk around the track by the football field and around the campus, get a little exercise, sit up in the stands, and watch the people. He tells me that “people are interesting, just watch them. Sit down and talk with somebody. Sometimes you find God as you talk with somebody. Everybody is carrying burdens and you learn about them. You learn about the needs and all those things. Learn to enjoy God.”
Learn to enjoy God. Is that what we are missing? Are we in such a hurry that we are not enjoying God? Are we rushing through our spiritual lives in order to move onto the next great thing that is going to happen? Perhaps we should slow down our pace.
I am imagining my life in slow motion. A life with much more beautiful imagery; reflecting on the beauty of God, talking with friends around campus about life rather than just yelling “hey, how are you doing?” as we pass each other on our way to separate places, eating meals together, tasting each bite and thanking God for each new flavor, walking just to walk not because I need to run to the store as quickly as possible to get back to the next thing. I am thinking of a much more honest, contemplative, and communal attitude towards life.
With the inspiration of Richard Foster, I am advocating a great slowing down among students everywhere. I am proposing a great deep breath, an enjoyment of every minute of our lives. Maybe the spiritual aspect missing on college campuses everywhere is a contemplative slowness only defined by a life focused on loving God. We can cure this “hurry sickness” by maybe just taking simple steps to cut hurry out of our lives. Maybe we just need to “learn to enjoy God.”
------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of college students feel young and invincible. A lot of us feel like we need to get college over with so we can get started with our lives. But, maybe we are missing our life right now while we are in college. As Richard Foster quoted, “Rest, rest, you have nothing to do but to rest in the Lord.”
Maybe one of our biggest problems as college students is that we are “ready to convert the world at least by tomorrow,” which Foster told me was his attitude in college. Since then, he has learned to be a little more patient about changing the world.
We revolve a lot of our lives around time, but maybe in order to live more spiritually-full lives, we need to live outside of time. Foster quotes John Muir in saying that we need “to become time-rich. To become rich in time, that’s a good thing.” In Foster’s life, he exercises “time-richness” by going to the canyon near his home in Denver. Most days, he is out there for an hour or two, just to get in touch with creation. Like many people, when he is in creation, he feels much more connected to God. He slows down to spend time with the trees and the flowers and the birds. Some days, he just listens to the wind for a while.
“The creation reflects the order, the glory, and the goodness of the creator,” and maybe it is in all these things that God can teach us. Perhaps what’s missing on a lot of college campuses is the slow life that Foster finds in his canyon. Foster describes this lifestyle many of us students have chosen as “hurry sickness” and he says that “all of us are affected by it.”
Perhaps a benefit of not being in a hurry is a better prayer life. A lot of times I find myself and the people around me rushing into prayer. We approach God in a hurry like we approach the rest of our life. Foster really encourages everyone to be more patient with themselves. He said, “One of the old writers said, ‘We learn to pray as we can and not as we can’t.’”
As a college student, Foster used to get up at four o’clock in the morning to try to pray. He would find himself falling asleep, so he would stand up against a wall, but he found out that he is capable of falling asleep even standing against a wall. “You have to learn to pray as you are able to. You have to take it one step at a time. God is a lot more patient with us than we are with ourselves.”
Rather than just slowing down in our prayer lives, Foster suggests “we learn to pray in such a way that it doesn't take any time in a sense but it occupies all of our time.” Part of the beauty in this new attitude and lifestyle of slowing down is that it is a lifestyle of constant prayer. As we live our lives, we are also “bringing our hearts to God.”
I had to agree with Foster when he told me that he thinks the biggest struggle for college students is distraction. “We have ten thousand things coming at us”, and we are distracted by technology, school, work, relationships, and it really is difficult to focus on loving God when we feel like we need to focus on the other 9,999 things that are whirring around our minds. Maybe it is our modern lifestyle that has made us like this, but I think it is just our human nature that makes us “constantly jumping up, going here, and going there.”
We need to find ways “in which we learn to let go of distraction so that our lives can focus, focus on God of course.” In college, we are so intent on accomplishing and making friendships, and there is nothing wrong with that, but we need to remember what we are on this earth for. There is a time for studying and learning. Foster said that for him, “studies were a way of honoring God and worshipping God” when he was in school. Learning and studying is definitely a good thing and can bring glory to God, but what can we do now to live a much more rich life?
Richard Foster has spent a lot of time on college campuses and in the presence of college students. He is more than just a writer; he is a deep thinker and an incredibly kind man of great wisdom. He studied at George Fox University and Fuller Theological Seminary and has been a professor at several universities.
On my college campus, it is definitely a little difficult to go to the wilderness and get away from the busyness of city life. But, as Foster says, if we want to slow down, “we ruthlessly cut out hurry in our lives. We learn not to be so full of hurry.” He encouraged me to take a walk around the track by the football field and around the campus, get a little exercise, sit up in the stands, and watch the people. He tells me that “people are interesting, just watch them. Sit down and talk with somebody. Sometimes you find God as you talk with somebody. Everybody is carrying burdens and you learn about them. You learn about the needs and all those things. Learn to enjoy God.”
Learn to enjoy God. Is that what we are missing? Are we in such a hurry that we are not enjoying God? Are we rushing through our spiritual lives in order to move onto the next great thing that is going to happen? Perhaps we should slow down our pace.
I am imagining my life in slow motion. A life with much more beautiful imagery; reflecting on the beauty of God, talking with friends around campus about life rather than just yelling “hey, how are you doing?” as we pass each other on our way to separate places, eating meals together, tasting each bite and thanking God for each new flavor, walking just to walk not because I need to run to the store as quickly as possible to get back to the next thing. I am thinking of a much more honest, contemplative, and communal attitude towards life.
With the inspiration of Richard Foster, I am advocating a great slowing down among students everywhere. I am proposing a great deep breath, an enjoyment of every minute of our lives. Maybe the spiritual aspect missing on college campuses everywhere is a contemplative slowness only defined by a life focused on loving God. We can cure this “hurry sickness” by maybe just taking simple steps to cut hurry out of our lives. Maybe we just need to “learn to enjoy God.”
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Mmmm break is so good :)
reading, enjoying the company of others, listening to music, making music, reading, reading, reading some more, sleeping a lot, painting, drinking warm drinks, baking, walking, skiing a bit, thinking. this rest is so enjoyable.
today, i didn't do much of anything, but I have spent quite a bit of time thinking the last few days. thinking about the last few months of my life: what I learned, what I did well, what i did poorly. thinking about the next few months of my life: what I want to do well, what I want to get better at, what I want to avoid doing (or doing poorly).
Tonight, I read through my journal of my trip to Peru (the Amazon trip with AIM). That feels like a completely different life to me, even though it was only a year and a half ago. I feel like I was completely different then compared to now. I mean, I couldn't be that different...but I have learned a little bit since then and the people I have met, experiences I have had (even the little ones) have made me quite different.
I don't know. I guess change always surprises me a little.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I am going to make this blog private, I think. For a few reasons...but mostly because I recently started getting a large amount of comments in another language on some old posts.
But, if you still want to read what I write, just tell me, and I can "invite" you so you can access this. I don't really care who reads this...I am just sick of all the strange comments/emails I can't understand (I believe you could just call it spam?).
reading, enjoying the company of others, listening to music, making music, reading, reading, reading some more, sleeping a lot, painting, drinking warm drinks, baking, walking, skiing a bit, thinking. this rest is so enjoyable.
today, i didn't do much of anything, but I have spent quite a bit of time thinking the last few days. thinking about the last few months of my life: what I learned, what I did well, what i did poorly. thinking about the next few months of my life: what I want to do well, what I want to get better at, what I want to avoid doing (or doing poorly).
Tonight, I read through my journal of my trip to Peru (the Amazon trip with AIM). That feels like a completely different life to me, even though it was only a year and a half ago. I feel like I was completely different then compared to now. I mean, I couldn't be that different...but I have learned a little bit since then and the people I have met, experiences I have had (even the little ones) have made me quite different.
I don't know. I guess change always surprises me a little.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I am going to make this blog private, I think. For a few reasons...but mostly because I recently started getting a large amount of comments in another language on some old posts.
But, if you still want to read what I write, just tell me, and I can "invite" you so you can access this. I don't really care who reads this...I am just sick of all the strange comments/emails I can't understand (I believe you could just call it spam?).
Friday, December 18, 2009
changin' it up again
mmm, lots of goodbyes lately.
I am not a fan of saying goodbye, mostly because I am terribly awkward and just bad at farewells. And, when other people get emotional, it makes me uncomfortable if I don't reciprocate the emotion (and every goodbye isn't emotional, but some are). Also, I feel like in my lifetime I will come across the right people at the right times, and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.
I guess it all comes down to my belief that everything is working out for the best.
I am sure everything happens as it should because in my soul I know that we are all connected. We are part of something larger. I know within me that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.
Well, just a few more goodbyes, 1 more test, packing all my stuff, and a terribly long trip to get back home.
ahh...then off to the mountains :)
I am not a fan of saying goodbye, mostly because I am terribly awkward and just bad at farewells. And, when other people get emotional, it makes me uncomfortable if I don't reciprocate the emotion (and every goodbye isn't emotional, but some are). Also, I feel like in my lifetime I will come across the right people at the right times, and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.
I guess it all comes down to my belief that everything is working out for the best.
I am sure everything happens as it should because in my soul I know that we are all connected. We are part of something larger. I know within me that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.
Well, just a few more goodbyes, 1 more test, packing all my stuff, and a terribly long trip to get back home.
ahh...then off to the mountains :)
Friday, December 11, 2009
This is Home
When my life becomes too ordinary, when my perspective of every relationship and every situation gets clouded, and when I forget what my life means, there has only been one place that represents the remedy. I flee from civilization and go to the most natural place I know. I get back to creation. Of all the places I have fled to, Yosemite National Park has created the greatest change. It has helped me to make a new start.
Maybe it is the altitude that makes me feel so refreshed, or perhaps it is the cleaner or thinner air. Reflecting on the natural processes of this creation could be what does it. It might be all of these things, but I really believe it is more than just the creation that can produce such a drastic change in my entire being. The Creator is at work in Yosemite. That is not to say that the Creator is not at work in every other place imaginable, but for me the clarity and beauty of His work is the most undeniably obvious in the wilderness, and in my experience, Yosemite Valley.
After being in the thick, smoky, smoggy air of Los Angeles and a long, air-conditioned drive away from the workings of society, the first step and concurrent first breath of the much purer air of Yosemite brings life and joy not only to my lungs but to my entire being. My whole body, mind, and soul sigh as if I have been travelling and even struggling my whole life to reach this point in time. The best part about this moment is knowing that it is just the beginning of a timeless journey. And it will be a journey, no doubt; travelling from one physical place to another, but also a much grander path from one point of being to another much improved one.
As I walk on this journey, I have the opportunity to meet with our creator in a truly unique way. In my life, I am rarely able to slow down to the degree I can slow down here. In this place, I have extended fellowship with God. There is nothing I could be doing other than just being with and thinking about God, and there is no place where it has ever been easier. There are no friends to talk with, no classes to attend, no homework to do, no music to entertain or books to distract. There is just me—naked, sinful, vulnerable, and weak. In this primitive state, there is no choice but to get back to the foundations of who I am so that Christ can build on that foundation as He will. It seems like a love affair to me. I can sneak away with Him for awhile and nothing other than thoughts of Him enter my mind. During this time, I feel like I am the only one He has eyes for. Of course I am aware that He loves each unique person as much as He loves me, but that is hard to believe in this place because it does not make sense to me how He could possibly have enough love for every person to receive as much as I have.
As I sit in the shade of a tree and watch the entire valley below me and the entire sky above me, I gather a renewed perspective of my life.. In this way, I have the opportunity to think of the world from God’s point of view. Especially when life is difficult, this perspective sharpens my vision of the unseen, and lets the immediate, tangible things drop into proper place. My spiritual defenses are strengthened while I “fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For…what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).
In this place, my creative senses feel awakened. It makes me want to create something, anything. This place makes me want to paint, or sculpt, or make music. Sometimes when I am painting, I am so enveloped in every detail of the image that my face gets so close to the canvas that my nose gets paint on it. It is usually at that instant when I realize that I haven’t seen the painting in its entirety in a while, and I need to step back several feet and see how all the details come together to create an accomplished work. Yosemite is where I can step back to examine the whole canvas of my life.
As I lay on my back watching the illuminated sky and the stars skittering across it, I think about how I am seeing the stars years after they have passed by. I deeply breathe in this incredible mountain air, and I think about how good it is just to be alive. It is in this moment that I can prayerfully consider my life before the Lord. I can think about important decisions that I have to make and the fears that feel like a heavy weight. In this wilderness, God gives me plans and purposes so that I will be ready when opportunity comes. When I swim in the clear mountain lakes, when I sleep on the cliffs staring at the stars, and when I watch the storms of light and color pass by, I feel like every thought comes easier. Every passion that I have is more evident. Life seems simpler. My heart feels at home. I feel prepared to take on whatever may happen next.
I can see not only my own life in an insane lucidity, but I feel like I can make connections in my life from Yosemite. Not only connections in life, but even more so, I feel connected to life itself. When people and the world seem fractured, broken, and isolated, I look around and see how much control the Creator has over absolutely everything, and I am encouraged. I am reminded that there is a plan, a design, and a power beyond the visible world that provides meaning, comfort, and confidence. The air, the rocks, the trees, the open sky all remind me that we are a part of something larger; we are not isolated from one another or the earth and the life on it. From here, I am encouraged to live knowing that we have deep roots in our environment, the earth, and the cycles of nature. From here, I can see how I can live knowing each person and each situation is connected in some way beyond our imagination.
This journey through Yosemite is a great one that I am sure to make many more times in my life, but for now this is enough. I can leave this haven feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I leave purified: without fear and without envy. When I am in a place that screams the beauty and greatness of God like Yosemite does, I have hope that things will fall into place. I have no doubt that transformation takes place in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is not a normal place. This is a deeply spiritual place where God is present. For me, it is a place of transformation, a place to evaluate goals, get direction, make important decisions, and prepare for opportunities to come. It might seem like it is the things that I do in Yosemite that make it so spiritual, but really it is Yosemite that makes me do things that are inherently spiritual.
It is in this place that I am content. It is here that I feel at home. It feels like I have finally found where I belong. Yosemite is a place where I can expect God to meet me. It is a divine place in this material world. It is everything about how the trees, the light, the rocks, the dirt, the air, and the water come together that opens me up to see God most clearly.
Maybe it is the altitude that makes me feel so refreshed, or perhaps it is the cleaner or thinner air. Reflecting on the natural processes of this creation could be what does it. It might be all of these things, but I really believe it is more than just the creation that can produce such a drastic change in my entire being. The Creator is at work in Yosemite. That is not to say that the Creator is not at work in every other place imaginable, but for me the clarity and beauty of His work is the most undeniably obvious in the wilderness, and in my experience, Yosemite Valley.
After being in the thick, smoky, smoggy air of Los Angeles and a long, air-conditioned drive away from the workings of society, the first step and concurrent first breath of the much purer air of Yosemite brings life and joy not only to my lungs but to my entire being. My whole body, mind, and soul sigh as if I have been travelling and even struggling my whole life to reach this point in time. The best part about this moment is knowing that it is just the beginning of a timeless journey. And it will be a journey, no doubt; travelling from one physical place to another, but also a much grander path from one point of being to another much improved one.
As I walk on this journey, I have the opportunity to meet with our creator in a truly unique way. In my life, I am rarely able to slow down to the degree I can slow down here. In this place, I have extended fellowship with God. There is nothing I could be doing other than just being with and thinking about God, and there is no place where it has ever been easier. There are no friends to talk with, no classes to attend, no homework to do, no music to entertain or books to distract. There is just me—naked, sinful, vulnerable, and weak. In this primitive state, there is no choice but to get back to the foundations of who I am so that Christ can build on that foundation as He will. It seems like a love affair to me. I can sneak away with Him for awhile and nothing other than thoughts of Him enter my mind. During this time, I feel like I am the only one He has eyes for. Of course I am aware that He loves each unique person as much as He loves me, but that is hard to believe in this place because it does not make sense to me how He could possibly have enough love for every person to receive as much as I have.
As I sit in the shade of a tree and watch the entire valley below me and the entire sky above me, I gather a renewed perspective of my life.. In this way, I have the opportunity to think of the world from God’s point of view. Especially when life is difficult, this perspective sharpens my vision of the unseen, and lets the immediate, tangible things drop into proper place. My spiritual defenses are strengthened while I “fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For…what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).
In this place, my creative senses feel awakened. It makes me want to create something, anything. This place makes me want to paint, or sculpt, or make music. Sometimes when I am painting, I am so enveloped in every detail of the image that my face gets so close to the canvas that my nose gets paint on it. It is usually at that instant when I realize that I haven’t seen the painting in its entirety in a while, and I need to step back several feet and see how all the details come together to create an accomplished work. Yosemite is where I can step back to examine the whole canvas of my life.
As I lay on my back watching the illuminated sky and the stars skittering across it, I think about how I am seeing the stars years after they have passed by. I deeply breathe in this incredible mountain air, and I think about how good it is just to be alive. It is in this moment that I can prayerfully consider my life before the Lord. I can think about important decisions that I have to make and the fears that feel like a heavy weight. In this wilderness, God gives me plans and purposes so that I will be ready when opportunity comes. When I swim in the clear mountain lakes, when I sleep on the cliffs staring at the stars, and when I watch the storms of light and color pass by, I feel like every thought comes easier. Every passion that I have is more evident. Life seems simpler. My heart feels at home. I feel prepared to take on whatever may happen next.
I can see not only my own life in an insane lucidity, but I feel like I can make connections in my life from Yosemite. Not only connections in life, but even more so, I feel connected to life itself. When people and the world seem fractured, broken, and isolated, I look around and see how much control the Creator has over absolutely everything, and I am encouraged. I am reminded that there is a plan, a design, and a power beyond the visible world that provides meaning, comfort, and confidence. The air, the rocks, the trees, the open sky all remind me that we are a part of something larger; we are not isolated from one another or the earth and the life on it. From here, I am encouraged to live knowing that we have deep roots in our environment, the earth, and the cycles of nature. From here, I can see how I can live knowing each person and each situation is connected in some way beyond our imagination.
This journey through Yosemite is a great one that I am sure to make many more times in my life, but for now this is enough. I can leave this haven feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I leave purified: without fear and without envy. When I am in a place that screams the beauty and greatness of God like Yosemite does, I have hope that things will fall into place. I have no doubt that transformation takes place in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is not a normal place. This is a deeply spiritual place where God is present. For me, it is a place of transformation, a place to evaluate goals, get direction, make important decisions, and prepare for opportunities to come. It might seem like it is the things that I do in Yosemite that make it so spiritual, but really it is Yosemite that makes me do things that are inherently spiritual.
It is in this place that I am content. It is here that I feel at home. It feels like I have finally found where I belong. Yosemite is a place where I can expect God to meet me. It is a divine place in this material world. It is everything about how the trees, the light, the rocks, the dirt, the air, and the water come together that opens me up to see God most clearly.
follow up on that last entry
ah, I must clear up my last clouded, emotional post.
Here's the deal: it is the end of the semester and everyone is feeling like we only have one more week to get to know each other (or at least those of us studying off campus next semester) and yet we all have a bunch of work to do for finals and wrapping up the end of the semester academic work. So, while we want to be with other people what we really need to do is focus on academics (yet still being an encouragement to one another and refreshing each other with a bit of joviality).
I have this crazy opportunity right now to just sit around, read books, have conversations about the books I read, and connect all that I am learning to the Christian life. . . and I yet I tend to forget how incredible of an opportunity this is. I am feeling so grateful for this experience right now, and I am excited to reflect on all that I have learned this semester before I get nice break.
(p.s. it is raining right now. rain always makes me want to stay inside and read with a cup of warm something-or-another, so what better time for rain in sunny California than the weekend before finals?)
Here's the deal: it is the end of the semester and everyone is feeling like we only have one more week to get to know each other (or at least those of us studying off campus next semester) and yet we all have a bunch of work to do for finals and wrapping up the end of the semester academic work. So, while we want to be with other people what we really need to do is focus on academics (yet still being an encouragement to one another and refreshing each other with a bit of joviality).
I have this crazy opportunity right now to just sit around, read books, have conversations about the books I read, and connect all that I am learning to the Christian life. . . and I yet I tend to forget how incredible of an opportunity this is. I am feeling so grateful for this experience right now, and I am excited to reflect on all that I have learned this semester before I get nice break.
(p.s. it is raining right now. rain always makes me want to stay inside and read with a cup of warm something-or-another, so what better time for rain in sunny California than the weekend before finals?)
friends?
Maybe it's just because of finals and the end of the semester, but I am feeling incredibly disconnected from everyone around me. All of the sudden I feel like all my relationships are fake. How well do I really know people...or really, does anyone really know me? and what does "knowing" a person entail? Can anyone actually know me?
I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.
So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.
Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.
This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.
Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.
I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.
So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.
Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.
This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.
Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
mmm....had my last concert tonight...at least for a while...
I can't explain how much I love making music. words don't really work well for that. if you are a lover of making music, you get it. if you love watching people make music, you probably get it too.
Music has the ability to make us more sensitive to beauty and live more closely to an Infinite, beyond this world. This allows us to have something to cling to, and thusly, experience more depth as a person. Music helps us develop more compassion, gentleness, love, and, in short, a greater appreciation of life. . . . i think.
I can't explain how much I love making music. words don't really work well for that. if you are a lover of making music, you get it. if you love watching people make music, you probably get it too.
Music has the ability to make us more sensitive to beauty and live more closely to an Infinite, beyond this world. This allows us to have something to cling to, and thusly, experience more depth as a person. Music helps us develop more compassion, gentleness, love, and, in short, a greater appreciation of life. . . . i think.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
complaints and confession
I've spent almost the entirety of this weekend working on a paper that has wiped away almost any intellectual pride I had. meh. I'm feeling rather defeated right now.
but...now I have to write 25 stinkin' pages about myself and how I write. After the day I've had, it may turn out a little bit negative. oh dear.
oh. and this stupid fridge next to me sounds like a rocket getting ready to launch. and all the lights keep burning out in my room.
but hey, I got to hang out with 2 pretty rockin dogs (and lovely people) for a couple hours tonight. why do animals make me so happy? so strange.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a really irrational fear. Sometimes I will listen to a lecture, sit through a class, or watch a documentary and truly fear that I won't remember it and will forget how to absorb information. I think that I will forget how to learn or digest new ideas. I am seriously scared of this happening. I think that I love new ideas and learning so much that to lose that ability would truly break my heart. but why this fear?
but...now I have to write 25 stinkin' pages about myself and how I write. After the day I've had, it may turn out a little bit negative. oh dear.
oh. and this stupid fridge next to me sounds like a rocket getting ready to launch. and all the lights keep burning out in my room.
but hey, I got to hang out with 2 pretty rockin dogs (and lovely people) for a couple hours tonight. why do animals make me so happy? so strange.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a really irrational fear. Sometimes I will listen to a lecture, sit through a class, or watch a documentary and truly fear that I won't remember it and will forget how to absorb information. I think that I will forget how to learn or digest new ideas. I am seriously scared of this happening. I think that I love new ideas and learning so much that to lose that ability would truly break my heart. but why this fear?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Desiderata ~ OR "Things to be Desired"
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield
you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and
broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield
you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and
broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
Thursday, December 3, 2009
books. books. i like books.
(after typing that title...the word "book" seems so strange. Say it out loud like 20 times. do it. so weird, right? or say your name out loud to yourself. Why do words sound so weird sometimes? words...I have lots of words to say about words because I like them oh so much. my favorite part about writing is choosing the perfect words to make the reader really experience something...even though I don't always do that on this blog deal. okay, no more rambling...I'll let you read on.)
I was exploring a lovely used book store the other day. (two words I feel must always be associated with a used book store: explore and lovely) My friend and I were searching through the books of poems and I came across one by George Kitching and my friend found one that sparked her interests. We proceeded to read poems out loud to each other until we were finished.
Here's something I kind of liked:
We often hear people dispute respecting the beauty of something. One says it is beautiful, another that it is not; both are evidently sincere. How does the real difference occur ? We will turn to music. Some admire a song, others do not like it; the reason is the same in both cases. The education has been different, and the power of criticism therefore varies; one is evidently inferior in judgment to the other. Now the musician who is perfect in his art has made, as it were, his own mind beautiful; he can therefore feel, as it were, beauties that a less cultured mind cannot apprehend. So it is with art or the appreciation of true beauty. The mind that is most thoroughly cultured in art can see the beauties of a face the best; but there is a beauty of the soul, the inward mind, that only the beautiful in soul can appreciate.
Well, I didn't buy the book; it cost a bit much for me. I found the book on google if you are interested. It doesn't feel quite the same to read poetry (or anything really) from a computer screen as it does from a fragile book worn through by previous readers...oh well. The words are the same I guess...
I was exploring a lovely used book store the other day. (two words I feel must always be associated with a used book store: explore and lovely) My friend and I were searching through the books of poems and I came across one by George Kitching and my friend found one that sparked her interests. We proceeded to read poems out loud to each other until we were finished.
Here's something I kind of liked:
We often hear people dispute respecting the beauty of something. One says it is beautiful, another that it is not; both are evidently sincere. How does the real difference occur ? We will turn to music. Some admire a song, others do not like it; the reason is the same in both cases. The education has been different, and the power of criticism therefore varies; one is evidently inferior in judgment to the other. Now the musician who is perfect in his art has made, as it were, his own mind beautiful; he can therefore feel, as it were, beauties that a less cultured mind cannot apprehend. So it is with art or the appreciation of true beauty. The mind that is most thoroughly cultured in art can see the beauties of a face the best; but there is a beauty of the soul, the inward mind, that only the beautiful in soul can appreciate.
Well, I didn't buy the book; it cost a bit much for me. I found the book on google if you are interested. It doesn't feel quite the same to read poetry (or anything really) from a computer screen as it does from a fragile book worn through by previous readers...oh well. The words are the same I guess...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"How is it December 2nd already?" seems to be a phrase thrown around a lot today. I have seven days of school left. seven. that is madness. (then a week of finals) I am feeling kind of at home here, happy with the friendships here...I think.
Now I am fleeing to the mountains. I have been thinking that it is kind of bittersweet to be leaving my new friends. But, it is definitely more sweet than bitter. The academics here have been...mediocre so far. I really want everything I know to be challenged; I want to learn to think in a new way. I think the academics at the High Sierra campus will be more challenging for me, and I am thrilled about that. Have I written all this before? I feel like I probably have. Or maybe you are thoroughly confused. I don't know.
I think I like this campus alright. I just like fewer people and more trees better. I also like clean air better.
I am not writing well this evening, and it's annoying me quite a bit. sometimes words come easily for me, and sometimes I can barely grasp the ones I need.
Well, since I don't know what else to write... if you feel like visiting Yosemite or the Ansel Adams Wilderness, you should do so between January and May and come visit me in Bass Lake!
Now I am fleeing to the mountains. I have been thinking that it is kind of bittersweet to be leaving my new friends. But, it is definitely more sweet than bitter. The academics here have been...mediocre so far. I really want everything I know to be challenged; I want to learn to think in a new way. I think the academics at the High Sierra campus will be more challenging for me, and I am thrilled about that. Have I written all this before? I feel like I probably have. Or maybe you are thoroughly confused. I don't know.
I think I like this campus alright. I just like fewer people and more trees better. I also like clean air better.
I am not writing well this evening, and it's annoying me quite a bit. sometimes words come easily for me, and sometimes I can barely grasp the ones I need.
Well, since I don't know what else to write... if you feel like visiting Yosemite or the Ansel Adams Wilderness, you should do so between January and May and come visit me in Bass Lake!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Oh, I don't like posting links all the time...but I have spent most of the past 5 days alone, and I want to share with you a lovely blog.
http://intothehermitage.blogspot.com/
http://intothehermitage.blogspot.com/
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
till they're gone
It is really interesting to me that I don't realize how much I like people until they are gone. I am so apt to take the people I love for granted. You know that feeling you get when you miss someone, and you can feel it deep in your chest somewhere. It kind of feels like heartburn at first or maybe like you are going to gag...but then you realize it's a different part of your body that is uncomfortable. I don't know what part it is...but I can feel it. Somewhere between my throat and stomach.
I just drove for the first time on the LA freeways, and that was quite enjoyable. I dropped my friends off at the airport and then drove back (I almost wrote "drove back home", then that made me a little scared. Isn't there a quote from Garden State about when your home doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place to store your crap? I drove back to school).
I have that feeling right now where I could cry at any moment; (I love semicolons)I would just need a little something to push me, like a song or certain person. Oh, I am happy right now and excited about lots of things...just thinking about how much I like some people and how much I need to tell them that.
I just drove for the first time on the LA freeways, and that was quite enjoyable. I dropped my friends off at the airport and then drove back (I almost wrote "drove back home", then that made me a little scared. Isn't there a quote from Garden State about when your home doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place to store your crap? I drove back to school).
I have that feeling right now where I could cry at any moment; (I love semicolons)I would just need a little something to push me, like a song or certain person. Oh, I am happy right now and excited about lots of things...just thinking about how much I like some people and how much I need to tell them that.
Monday, November 23, 2009
to be alone
I am realizing how worn out I get when I am around other people. Some people feel so energized after being around people, but after awhile I get so tired that I need to be alone again. All those silly tests always say I am introverted (of course I am probably silly for taking all those silly tests)...maybe that has something to do with it.
For instance, today I worked on three group projects, explored the tunnel system of Azusa with some folks, and just sat around for a while with friends, but I was just so tired emotionally that I needed to leave to be alone. Yesterday I went canyoneering in a nearby canyon (don't worry, I had no idea what this was yesterday either...sounds hardcore though, right?), napped, played a concert, watched a movie, hung out with friends...all of these things (except that 30 minute nap) were with other people. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be alone that night.
When I feel like being alone, I get so irritated with other people. I get really negative and think about all the reasons I don't want to be with the people I am with. Then I generally feel pretty bad when I do get to be alone because I was not incredibly kind to the people I was with.
So basically, I could have just told you that I like to be alone sometimes. Instead I over analyzed my entire weekend. and rambled a bunch. (I'll have lots of alone time this week as everyone else is going home to GiveThanks. I plan on reading on rooftops a lot)
oh yea,those silly tests that I mentioned earlier...I love 'em. For school we had to take this "Strengths Quest" which might seem kind of cheesy...well, it is cheesy...but I love it. I always knew the things I was bad at and felt like I needed to fix them, but this test helped me see that parts of my personality are good and should be remembered and thought about as strengths. (if you know anything about this test...I would love to talk to you about it. I love hearing what other people's strengths are. they help you understand people better and see the good in them so easily). I want to tell you all my top 5 strengths right now...but they would mean nothing to most. I like Myers-Briggs too, but I would feel weird telling you how it classifies me without hearing your results...so I'm not going to tell you on here. (you should take it and then we should talk about it! do it!)
For instance, today I worked on three group projects, explored the tunnel system of Azusa with some folks, and just sat around for a while with friends, but I was just so tired emotionally that I needed to leave to be alone. Yesterday I went canyoneering in a nearby canyon (don't worry, I had no idea what this was yesterday either...sounds hardcore though, right?), napped, played a concert, watched a movie, hung out with friends...all of these things (except that 30 minute nap) were with other people. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be alone that night.
When I feel like being alone, I get so irritated with other people. I get really negative and think about all the reasons I don't want to be with the people I am with. Then I generally feel pretty bad when I do get to be alone because I was not incredibly kind to the people I was with.
So basically, I could have just told you that I like to be alone sometimes. Instead I over analyzed my entire weekend. and rambled a bunch. (I'll have lots of alone time this week as everyone else is going home to GiveThanks. I plan on reading on rooftops a lot)
oh yea,those silly tests that I mentioned earlier...I love 'em. For school we had to take this "Strengths Quest" which might seem kind of cheesy...well, it is cheesy...but I love it. I always knew the things I was bad at and felt like I needed to fix them, but this test helped me see that parts of my personality are good and should be remembered and thought about as strengths. (if you know anything about this test...I would love to talk to you about it. I love hearing what other people's strengths are. they help you understand people better and see the good in them so easily). I want to tell you all my top 5 strengths right now...but they would mean nothing to most. I like Myers-Briggs too, but I would feel weird telling you how it classifies me without hearing your results...so I'm not going to tell you on here. (you should take it and then we should talk about it! do it!)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tonight and the past few days have made me think about how I act in relation to different people.
I am realizing how much more I enjoy being with people one on one than in a group of people. When I am with a group of people, especially people I don't know all that well, I get so incredibly uncomfortable. And it's not only discomfort, but an extreme loneliness. Also if I am with 5 or 6 people that I do know and like really well, I am still not completely myself. I don't talk very much in a group that size, so I just feel disconnected and once again, lonely.
But why do I do this? Why am I not able to be myself completely around everyone? Why does my personality just shut down immediately when I am in a group situation?
It just makes me feel lonely and sad. and wonder why I cannot be myself always.
It makes me want to sleep in a pile.
I am realizing how much more I enjoy being with people one on one than in a group of people. When I am with a group of people, especially people I don't know all that well, I get so incredibly uncomfortable. And it's not only discomfort, but an extreme loneliness. Also if I am with 5 or 6 people that I do know and like really well, I am still not completely myself. I don't talk very much in a group that size, so I just feel disconnected and once again, lonely.
But why do I do this? Why am I not able to be myself completely around everyone? Why does my personality just shut down immediately when I am in a group situation?
It just makes me feel lonely and sad. and wonder why I cannot be myself always.
It makes me want to sleep in a pile.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Heavy heavy heavy
I am learning so much about the pain and suffering in this world. and it hurts so bad. to hear about my brothers and sisters. to hear about God's own creation, made in his image. to hear about people that Christ died for. to hear the horrors that governments and powerful systems have done...
I am doing a research paper on torture and Guantanamo Bay. I am hearing stories about slavery in Azusa. I am watching documentaries on sex-trafficking. documentaries about North Korea. Stories of hurt and pain from around the world that I have heard in the past two weeks are ripping apart my heart.
And yes, it hurts.
I don't usually respond emotionally to anything, really. I immediately start thinking and making connections in my mind and I never give my heart time to respond. I also respond physically. As I sat in the library reading books about Guantanamo, I started shaking.. Violence in books or movies always makes my stomach hurt. At one point, I had to stop reading for fear of throwing up. But...nothing emotionally. nothing.
Until Wednesday night when I went to chapel. As the room began worshipping, I started thinking about all that I had absorbed the past couple weeks. I thought about how many things we do that hurt God. We treat other human beings as if they are less than human...how much that must hurt God to see his beautiful creation being torn apart. And I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I didn't stop throughout the worship. or throughout the speaker. or after I left the building. It took me an hour or two to process it all. Sleep didn't come very easily that night.
Throughout processing this all, I have still found this hope.
That God will take this darkness and turn it into light.
He is bringing about this Shalom. Restoring relationships and community.
My heart just feels so heavy right now.
---------------------------------------------
p.s. I love the word namaste. "I see God in you" (that's probably an incredibly rough translation...but isn't it beautiful?). You are made in the image of God, and I see that. You are a beautiful creation that reflects all that He is. You are His. ahhhh....so good.
I am doing a research paper on torture and Guantanamo Bay. I am hearing stories about slavery in Azusa. I am watching documentaries on sex-trafficking. documentaries about North Korea. Stories of hurt and pain from around the world that I have heard in the past two weeks are ripping apart my heart.
And yes, it hurts.
I don't usually respond emotionally to anything, really. I immediately start thinking and making connections in my mind and I never give my heart time to respond. I also respond physically. As I sat in the library reading books about Guantanamo, I started shaking.. Violence in books or movies always makes my stomach hurt. At one point, I had to stop reading for fear of throwing up. But...nothing emotionally. nothing.
Until Wednesday night when I went to chapel. As the room began worshipping, I started thinking about all that I had absorbed the past couple weeks. I thought about how many things we do that hurt God. We treat other human beings as if they are less than human...how much that must hurt God to see his beautiful creation being torn apart. And I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I didn't stop throughout the worship. or throughout the speaker. or after I left the building. It took me an hour or two to process it all. Sleep didn't come very easily that night.
Throughout processing this all, I have still found this hope.
That God will take this darkness and turn it into light.
He is bringing about this Shalom. Restoring relationships and community.
My heart just feels so heavy right now.
---------------------------------------------
p.s. I love the word namaste. "I see God in you" (that's probably an incredibly rough translation...but isn't it beautiful?). You are made in the image of God, and I see that. You are a beautiful creation that reflects all that He is. You are His. ahhhh....so good.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
So, I kind of have a huge problem with short term mission trips. After the few that I have been on, I just feel like there are really grave problems surrrounding them which I may or may not write about later.
But right now I feel such a desire to go somewhere. If in heaven there are going to be people of every tribe, tongue and language, do we not need to be advancing the kindgdom of God in every nation now? As a desendent of Abraham, of Israel, should I be sent away?
Or do I live my life here and now investing my love and care into the people that surround me as I live through each day?
I feel like the Christian concept of "missions" is really strange, and I just don't know exactly how I feel about it right now.
-----------------------------------
I don't tell the people that I love how much I love them often enough.
But right now I feel such a desire to go somewhere. If in heaven there are going to be people of every tribe, tongue and language, do we not need to be advancing the kindgdom of God in every nation now? As a desendent of Abraham, of Israel, should I be sent away?
Or do I live my life here and now investing my love and care into the people that surround me as I live through each day?
I feel like the Christian concept of "missions" is really strange, and I just don't know exactly how I feel about it right now.
-----------------------------------
I don't tell the people that I love how much I love them often enough.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I saw Where the Wild Things Are last night.
I have heard so many criticisms of it, but I liked it a lot. I thought it was beautiful. I understood Max. I get that sadness and loneliness and the need for forgiveness. It made me want to run around and play in the forest, cuddle in a pile of furry creatures, and build a fort (which is exactly what I did when I got back to my room).
I absolutely loved that it was not computerized...so refreshing.
I guess I felt the need to write this because I enjoyed it so much and I don't really understand why people see movies and feel the need to tell their every judgement of it. Can you and I go and enjoy this creative endeavor together? And afterward let's talk about how it affected us. Why do people instead talk about all the things they don't like and criticize the art? (maybe I am over analyzing the movie-going habits of the people around me...it just made me feel foolish that I liked it so much)
It looked lovely. It sounded lovely. It made me think about life and humanity. It compelled me to contemplate my life.
I have heard so many criticisms of it, but I liked it a lot. I thought it was beautiful. I understood Max. I get that sadness and loneliness and the need for forgiveness. It made me want to run around and play in the forest, cuddle in a pile of furry creatures, and build a fort (which is exactly what I did when I got back to my room).
I absolutely loved that it was not computerized...so refreshing.
I guess I felt the need to write this because I enjoyed it so much and I don't really understand why people see movies and feel the need to tell their every judgement of it. Can you and I go and enjoy this creative endeavor together? And afterward let's talk about how it affected us. Why do people instead talk about all the things they don't like and criticize the art? (maybe I am over analyzing the movie-going habits of the people around me...it just made me feel foolish that I liked it so much)
It looked lovely. It sounded lovely. It made me think about life and humanity. It compelled me to contemplate my life.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Every line of this entry starts with I. just thought you should know.
I am kind of overwhelmed with the beauty of so many people around me.
I am feeling like an ass though. I am learning what it means to be willing to fail and taking ownership of the foolish things I do.
I celebrated the Jewish Sabbath, Shabbat Shalom, last night. It was one of the best meals I have ever had. An evening of gratitude, and learning about people, and having conversations that were so beautiful I was almost brought to tears. Jesus himself is within these people. and that radical love breaks my heart. It is crazy to think that Jesus said those same prayers that I said and had a similar experience of community and thanksgiving every seventh day of his life. I love those traditions that are sopping in history. I love being a part of something so great. oh so great.
I am studying so many things that are utterly heart-breaking. It would be so easy to become bitter and angry at America and at Christians. I am just realizing how much I am going to have to rely on God the next few years as I learn about and experience some rather evil things that man is doing.
I just enjoyed a lovely cup of roobios tea. mmm. Now I am going to consume as much Vitamin C as I can so that The Swine doesn't get me.
I am feeling like an ass though. I am learning what it means to be willing to fail and taking ownership of the foolish things I do.
I celebrated the Jewish Sabbath, Shabbat Shalom, last night. It was one of the best meals I have ever had. An evening of gratitude, and learning about people, and having conversations that were so beautiful I was almost brought to tears. Jesus himself is within these people. and that radical love breaks my heart. It is crazy to think that Jesus said those same prayers that I said and had a similar experience of community and thanksgiving every seventh day of his life. I love those traditions that are sopping in history. I love being a part of something so great. oh so great.
I am studying so many things that are utterly heart-breaking. It would be so easy to become bitter and angry at America and at Christians. I am just realizing how much I am going to have to rely on God the next few years as I learn about and experience some rather evil things that man is doing.
I just enjoyed a lovely cup of roobios tea. mmm. Now I am going to consume as much Vitamin C as I can so that The Swine doesn't get me.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Writing on Sundays is becoming a bit of a habit.
I had a little bit of an adventure this weekend. I went to La Jolla cove/beach near San Diego. I kayaked in the ocean. Here are some of my favorite parts of the weekend:
I had a little bit of an adventure this weekend. I went to La Jolla cove/beach near San Diego. I kayaked in the ocean. Here are some of my favorite parts of the weekend:
- Watching the sea lions. They were just laying out on the rocks, spooning with each other and just relaxing and enjoying themselves greatly. They were eating the fish in the ocean too...that was exciting.
- I snorkeled a bit and saw some beautiful leopard sharks. Their skin is really incredible. I also followed some rays around for a while.
- A couple new friends and I kayaked out to the end of a pier and found some chain ladders going from the water to the top of the pier (maybe about 30 feet up). So we got out of our kayaks (one at a time, of course) and made the ascent to the top of that bugger, took a great gulp of air, pushed off the pier, and flew through the air into the refreshing water. Ahh...why is jumping off things so exhilirating?
- Sat out on a cliff watching the ocean at night with a new friend.
- Slept peacefully through the night in my sleeping bag in the fresh air...until 3 in the morning when the automatic sprinklers sprang a suprise attack on me. Thank you Point Loma Nazarene University for keeping your grass so well-watered.
- Spent my Sunday playing at the beach some more, having battles with seaweed as our weapons, and climbing rocks.
- Had another war tonight, except our ammunition was bottles of paint. What if when we waged actual wars, we really did use paint or seaweed or water guns.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Brobdingnagian (sweet word, right? reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut)
I am just thoroughly happy right now.
My room is thoroughly stocked with everything I enjoy. A lovely selection of my favorite teas (rooibos, yerba mate, chai, green-jasmine), some dried blueberries, raw almonds, dark chocolate raisins, guacamole and fresh tortilla chips. I've got plenty of books. I feel like books kind of become a part of me once I read them. The ideas from the author get stirred up with my own ideas and experiences and they just become a part of how I view the world. I love that so much.
I am finding spots around here that I like to be. Places to study, to read, to make music...places that feel like my own I guess. I love the Theological library. The floors squeak. I want to read every book in that library. There is also a nice patch of grass and trees (some might call it a garden) outside that library where I like to be before noon because the sun is at a pleasing angle then. Between 5 and 7, there are some tables I like to sit at where the sun shines a little bit. I can sit there until the sun goes behind a building, then it gets a little chilly. I like the way the sun shines through the palm trees as it sets. There is also a great tree that I think God made for us to sit in and read or take naps. It is perfectly formed for people to lay in it. perfect. The smog here makes it kind of difficult to breathe sometimes, but it makes every single sunset really beautiful.
Does anyone else think that maybe time changes? September went by really fast for me and other people too. Maybe it really did go by faster and it is not just a feeling. Maybe time can bend a bit... we just don't really understand it. Maybe not.
Oh hey, Transamerica bike trail summer 2010 (Astoria, Oregon to Yorktown, Virginia). Tell all your friends. I have found a vagabond to join me (if I can find him in May) and lots of "maybes" from those who probably will end up doing something much less story-worthy. I will work many days of my life...and those days will be good ones no doubt. But, I have a body that can ride a bike and sleep on the ground right now...so I am going to use it well.
My room is thoroughly stocked with everything I enjoy. A lovely selection of my favorite teas (rooibos, yerba mate, chai, green-jasmine), some dried blueberries, raw almonds, dark chocolate raisins, guacamole and fresh tortilla chips. I've got plenty of books. I feel like books kind of become a part of me once I read them. The ideas from the author get stirred up with my own ideas and experiences and they just become a part of how I view the world. I love that so much.
I am finding spots around here that I like to be. Places to study, to read, to make music...places that feel like my own I guess. I love the Theological library. The floors squeak. I want to read every book in that library. There is also a nice patch of grass and trees (some might call it a garden) outside that library where I like to be before noon because the sun is at a pleasing angle then. Between 5 and 7, there are some tables I like to sit at where the sun shines a little bit. I can sit there until the sun goes behind a building, then it gets a little chilly. I like the way the sun shines through the palm trees as it sets. There is also a great tree that I think God made for us to sit in and read or take naps. It is perfectly formed for people to lay in it. perfect. The smog here makes it kind of difficult to breathe sometimes, but it makes every single sunset really beautiful.
Does anyone else think that maybe time changes? September went by really fast for me and other people too. Maybe it really did go by faster and it is not just a feeling. Maybe time can bend a bit... we just don't really understand it. Maybe not.
Oh hey, Transamerica bike trail summer 2010 (Astoria, Oregon to Yorktown, Virginia). Tell all your friends. I have found a vagabond to join me (if I can find him in May) and lots of "maybes" from those who probably will end up doing something much less story-worthy. I will work many days of my life...and those days will be good ones no doubt. But, I have a body that can ride a bike and sleep on the ground right now...so I am going to use it well.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I feel like I just think about God all the time, and then when I get on here that is what comes out
I can't really explain my love of Sundays. They are always my favorite day of the week. Keeping the sabbath is something I have come to love.
I feel like a lot of the time when I say I pray, I don't actually pray. I like to just be in the presence of God sometimes. Just me and Him. Neither of us have to speak. And it just makes me so happy, so content to be with someone who loves me that much and who I am learning to love. I know how badly he wants to be the lover of my soul and I hate that I consistently run after other things that I think will please me, but he knows I will never find something as good as Him. I know I will never find something as good as Him.
Imagine him just longing after me wanting me to love him, but instead I ignore him and I love myself, and boys, and love , and food, and the acceptance of other people, and adventure...but mostly myself. I imagine him watching me loving everything but him, and it makes me think of all the times I have watched other people love everything but me and how heart-wrenching that feeling is. How can I treat the one who loves me like no one will ever love me like I do? (woah, that was a confusing sentence)
But He can teach me to love Him, and I am the most ready to learn now than I ever have been. And His Spirit is in me because of His son. And His spirit within me produces incredible fruit in my life, specifically the ability to love. And that makes me so excited. like jump-up-and-down, dance-around-the-room, talk-way-too-loud-for-the-situation-I'm-in-and-make-people-stare excited.
I could run with super-speed like Elijah.
(please call me and I will tell you this story if you don't know it. It is my favorite story ever. ever. The way I tell it will make you love it too. You could read it yourself, but I would be absolutely thrilled to tell it to you. thrilled.)
I feel like a lot of the time when I say I pray, I don't actually pray. I like to just be in the presence of God sometimes. Just me and Him. Neither of us have to speak. And it just makes me so happy, so content to be with someone who loves me that much and who I am learning to love. I know how badly he wants to be the lover of my soul and I hate that I consistently run after other things that I think will please me, but he knows I will never find something as good as Him. I know I will never find something as good as Him.
Imagine him just longing after me wanting me to love him, but instead I ignore him and I love myself, and boys, and love , and food, and the acceptance of other people, and adventure...but mostly myself. I imagine him watching me loving everything but him, and it makes me think of all the times I have watched other people love everything but me and how heart-wrenching that feeling is. How can I treat the one who loves me like no one will ever love me like I do? (woah, that was a confusing sentence)
But He can teach me to love Him, and I am the most ready to learn now than I ever have been. And His Spirit is in me because of His son. And His spirit within me produces incredible fruit in my life, specifically the ability to love. And that makes me so excited. like jump-up-and-down, dance-around-the-room, talk-way-too-loud-for-the-situation-I'm-in-and-make-people-stare excited.
I could run with super-speed like Elijah.
(please call me and I will tell you this story if you don't know it. It is my favorite story ever. ever. The way I tell it will make you love it too. You could read it yourself, but I would be absolutely thrilled to tell it to you. thrilled.)
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
so now that I complained a bunch on here, I feel like I should write something to offset all that negativity.
Some wonderful things happening:
1. This newest Sleeping at Last album is just beautiful. The music is beautiful, but what brings me to tears are the incredible lyrics. it is just so good. i can't explain it. give it a listen.
2. I got to hear Donald Miller speak twice today! In chapel, he talked about that Romeo and Juliet part in the end of Searching for God Knows What. And oh, I love that part. Sarah Isaacs also spoke this evening before him.
The two of them just made me remember how much God loves me, and how much He wants me to love him back. People say his love for us is agape-love. yea, it's not. Agape love wants nothing back...but God longs for us to love him back. He wants to be the lover of my soul.
3. I went to Liturgical chapel last night (yea, I went to chapel a lot this week). We worshipped with a piano and violin. Violins are one instrument that just make my whole body feel good. (along with cellos, and oboes, and french horns...and well, a multitude of instruments really)
4. I got mail again! I love mail. You should send me some! It makes me so happy when my mailbox has something in it.
Azusa Pacific University
PO Box 9521 #7102
Azusa, CA 91702
5. It is Friday...which means I don't have a paper due tomorrow! Yes. happy weekend. merry weekend? Feliz fin de la semana? we should have some kind of celebratory phrase for the weekend.
6. I have a bed to sleep in. And now I am going to go sleep in it.
----------------------------------------
wait. a few more things.
I feel like I want to make plans for next semester, but I feel like they are just going to drastically change after I feel comfortable with them. Do I go to the mountains? Do I go to another country? Do I stay in LA? Oh, I don't know what will happen....and I love not knowing because I know everything will fall into place.
oh. I want to ride my bike across the country. summer 2010, anyone?
Some wonderful things happening:
1. This newest Sleeping at Last album is just beautiful. The music is beautiful, but what brings me to tears are the incredible lyrics. it is just so good. i can't explain it. give it a listen.
2. I got to hear Donald Miller speak twice today! In chapel, he talked about that Romeo and Juliet part in the end of Searching for God Knows What. And oh, I love that part. Sarah Isaacs also spoke this evening before him.
The two of them just made me remember how much God loves me, and how much He wants me to love him back. People say his love for us is agape-love. yea, it's not. Agape love wants nothing back...but God longs for us to love him back. He wants to be the lover of my soul.
3. I went to Liturgical chapel last night (yea, I went to chapel a lot this week). We worshipped with a piano and violin. Violins are one instrument that just make my whole body feel good. (along with cellos, and oboes, and french horns...and well, a multitude of instruments really)
4. I got mail again! I love mail. You should send me some! It makes me so happy when my mailbox has something in it.
Azusa Pacific University
PO Box 9521 #7102
Azusa, CA 91702
5. It is Friday...which means I don't have a paper due tomorrow! Yes. happy weekend. merry weekend? Feliz fin de la semana? we should have some kind of celebratory phrase for the weekend.
6. I have a bed to sleep in. And now I am going to go sleep in it.
----------------------------------------
wait. a few more things.
I feel like I want to make plans for next semester, but I feel like they are just going to drastically change after I feel comfortable with them. Do I go to the mountains? Do I go to another country? Do I stay in LA? Oh, I don't know what will happen....and I love not knowing because I know everything will fall into place.
oh. I want to ride my bike across the country. summer 2010, anyone?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
a sub-par entry. sorry.
I need to complain for a second:
When I walk into the band room at APU, I have to grab on to something sturdy to avoid getting knocked to the floor by the stench of pride that fills the thickening air.
If you are teacher, your job is to communicate with the students clearly so that they can learn something valuable. Your job is not to show off your ability to use big words in ways that students cannot understand anything you are trying to teach. And you have met famous people and been invited to do things with people who have well-known names? That's great, really, but I don't give a crap. I am in your class to learn about the bible. I do not want a good grade. I want to learn something that will screw with my mind. Please, teacher, teach me.
I just want one day without the task of writing a paper forming a nice dark cloud over my head.
done complaining.
------------------------------------------
Good News! Richard Foster agreed to let me interview him about his spiritual life! I asked Shane Claiborne and Rob Bell too, but they haven't replied yet. (if you have any burning questions for this wonderful Quaker about his spiritual life, I would love to ask him for you!)
I have to write a paper on a well-known person whose spiritual life I admire, so the interview has come about.
Right now I am avoiding writing another paper. Or I am letting my thoughts simmer...whatever you want to call it. It has to be about a place that holds spiritual significance for me. I haven't a clue what it is going to be about.
---------------------------------------------
Here I am safe at last
In Your arms and in Your hands
My body's weak but You are stronger
You will carry me
Because You --- offer a life that is whole
You brighten my darkened soul
A mystery that I long to know
I am Yours
Here I am full of hope
Not weighed down anymore
Knowing you changes me
Never let me leave
(by andrew and jen polfer, performed by lovelite--The Fullness)
When I walk into the band room at APU, I have to grab on to something sturdy to avoid getting knocked to the floor by the stench of pride that fills the thickening air.
If you are teacher, your job is to communicate with the students clearly so that they can learn something valuable. Your job is not to show off your ability to use big words in ways that students cannot understand anything you are trying to teach. And you have met famous people and been invited to do things with people who have well-known names? That's great, really, but I don't give a crap. I am in your class to learn about the bible. I do not want a good grade. I want to learn something that will screw with my mind. Please, teacher, teach me.
I just want one day without the task of writing a paper forming a nice dark cloud over my head.
done complaining.
------------------------------------------
Good News! Richard Foster agreed to let me interview him about his spiritual life! I asked Shane Claiborne and Rob Bell too, but they haven't replied yet. (if you have any burning questions for this wonderful Quaker about his spiritual life, I would love to ask him for you!)
I have to write a paper on a well-known person whose spiritual life I admire, so the interview has come about.
Right now I am avoiding writing another paper. Or I am letting my thoughts simmer...whatever you want to call it. It has to be about a place that holds spiritual significance for me. I haven't a clue what it is going to be about.
---------------------------------------------
Here I am safe at last
In Your arms and in Your hands
My body's weak but You are stronger
You will carry me
Because You --- offer a life that is whole
You brighten my darkened soul
A mystery that I long to know
I am Yours
Here I am full of hope
Not weighed down anymore
Knowing you changes me
Never let me leave
(by andrew and jen polfer, performed by lovelite--The Fullness)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Clasping of Hands
LORD, Thou art mine, and I am Thine,
If mine I am; and Thine much more
Then I or ought or can be mine.
Yet to be Thine doth me restore,
So that again I now am mine,
And with advantage mine the more,
Since this being mine brings with it Thine,
And Thou with me dost Thee restore:
If I without Thee would be mine,
I neither should be mine nor Thine.
Lord, I am Thine, and Thou art mine;
So mine Thou art, that something more
I may presume Thee mine then Thine,
For Thou didst suffer to restore
Not Thee, but me, and to be mine:
And with advantage mine the more,
Since Thou in death wast none of Thine,
Yet then as mine didst me restore:
O, be mine still; still make me Thine;
Or rather make no Thine and Mine.
George Herbert
(Poetry is really hard for me. I cannot write it. Reading it and understanding it is even difficult. It takes more than several times of reading it through and out loud to really grasp it. But I like George Herbert. Does his poem "Church Music" have any influence on David Crowder's new album?)
If mine I am; and Thine much more
Then I or ought or can be mine.
Yet to be Thine doth me restore,
So that again I now am mine,
And with advantage mine the more,
Since this being mine brings with it Thine,
And Thou with me dost Thee restore:
If I without Thee would be mine,
I neither should be mine nor Thine.
Lord, I am Thine, and Thou art mine;
So mine Thou art, that something more
I may presume Thee mine then Thine,
For Thou didst suffer to restore
Not Thee, but me, and to be mine:
And with advantage mine the more,
Since Thou in death wast none of Thine,
Yet then as mine didst me restore:
O, be mine still; still make me Thine;
Or rather make no Thine and Mine.
George Herbert
(Poetry is really hard for me. I cannot write it. Reading it and understanding it is even difficult. It takes more than several times of reading it through and out loud to really grasp it. But I like George Herbert. Does his poem "Church Music" have any influence on David Crowder's new album?)
Sunday, September 20, 2009
God's beautiful rocks and people
I just got back from a wonderful weekend in the mountains. Living in Illinois my whole life, I never experienced the mountains, but here in California I have been to them twice now. And every time I leave them I can't explain how much I want to go back.
I got out of the car in the mountains, and took a deep breath. The air is more pure and sweet there than any other air I have breathed. Just breathing in the air makes me feel like my soul is cleaner and I can think with such great clarity.
I climbed to the top of a beautiful fatty rock after being the most fatigued I have ever been in my life and stayed awake just long enough to see the sun creep over the mountains. The beautiful trees and rocks and stars and sky are just breathtaking, but this weekend I was utterly astounded by the uniqueness and beauty of the people God has created.
I miss the mountains and the community formed by being in God's creation together so much once I leave it. Tonight when I walked, well tiredly stumbled really, into my dorm room, I felt like I was home. And I thought, "it feels good to be home". I feel like I have been here for so long even though it has only been two and half weeks.
And I am so glad that God is in the mountains and the trees and the pure mountain air, but God is here too in smoggy, dirty LA.
(Seriously...this thing is almost vertical. Praise God I made it to the top of this sucker. This beautiful rock is called Half-Dome. It is in Yosemite...in case you didn't know...)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
taken from Longing for God by Richard Foster
Today, Lord,
teach me somehow to bless every person I meet.
Show me the preciousness of each individual.
Fill my mind with creative new ideas and
show me how to break the horns of cruel dilemmas.
May divine love become more real to us today... & every day.
May we want to experience divine love more.
May we want to love you more.
Please, Lord, transform our "wanting".
We would like to grow in love with you as well as fall in love with you.
Show us the way.
Amen.
teach me somehow to bless every person I meet.
Show me the preciousness of each individual.
Fill my mind with creative new ideas and
show me how to break the horns of cruel dilemmas.
May divine love become more real to us today... & every day.
May we want to experience divine love more.
May we want to love you more.
Please, Lord, transform our "wanting".
We would like to grow in love with you as well as fall in love with you.
Show us the way.
Amen.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
glorious living
Hey, so I moved to California today.
Oh yea, I read some Ephesians the other day, and I like it.
"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we're living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and god our hopes up, He had His eyes on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of th eoverall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone." (Eph 1:11-12 "The Message")
I don't usually use The Message as an accurate source, but I really love the phrase glorious living. But, I wanted to define it. It sounds good, glorious living, but what does that mean for me?
Maybe glorious living for a painter is getting a bunch of bearded men in Mormon-dominant Utah to pose as Jesus and the disciples (This American Life). Maybe it is giving away everything God has provided for you and living in a tent, or maybe not. Maybe it is using less water, so your brothers and sisters have more. Maybe it is eating less, so your malnourished neighbors can live healthy lives. Or maybe it is something bigger than that, like quiting your accounting job and moving to India to open a necklace-making business so prostitutes can make a living a better way. Maybe something just as grand: keeping your accounting job and instead of buying coffee and netflix everyday you use the money to pay for groceries for the disabled widow down the street. Maybe glorious living is saying "sorry" or "I love you". Maybe it is listening and laughing. Maybe it is giving or a hug. or getting one.
Maybe it is all these things. or none. To me, glorious living is bringing shalom to the world in whatever way you can. There can't be a specific way because each person is so unique.
Just some thoughts that have been floating around in my mind lately that I wanted to spit out.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I am a Tree
Woke up this morning, pleased to be going to worship with the church and learn something meaningful.
I love singing with a group of people who also recognize the smallness of our lives and desire to love the God who loves us. And it was good this morning, as it always is when I grasp that something bigger than me is going on. The pastor and several folks that got baptised last weekend had a conversation about baptism and the impact on their lives.
I was baptised as a baby. I have seen a few baptisms since then. I have always known it was commanded by Jesus, yet I always had this ridiculous thought in my mind that it wasn't that important. I think it was mostly my pride. I just never did it. In Peru, most of my team was baptized in the Amazon River as I watched, yet I never thought about it. I never did it in the giant bathtub. I just didn't. I have no excuse for not obeying.
For the past week and half, I have felt something missing in my relationship with God. There is a bunch of garbage I am coming to terms with in my life. I am accepting that it is there, and seeing how it screws around with the rest of my life and the lives of the people around me. But, I have also felt like I don't know what to do NOW. In these last two weeks before my surroundings change, do I just wait for that time to come? What do I do now?
So the sermon/conversation ends. I am thinking about how I would like to get baptised, but there has never been an opportunity that I was willing to participate in. Then, the pastor explains that God talked to him earlier in the week telling him to be ready to baptise people this weekend. So, he bought a pool (and shirts, shorts, flip flops, underwear, hair crap, make-up remover). They tried to get rid of any excuse people could make not to get baptised. Then he invited anyone to go change into some clothes and let the world know they were in love with God.
I could feel my heart beating real fast, getting a little shaky. The band started playing a song and everyone started singing. I wasn't thinking about worship. I was thinking: this is my second week at this church, I don't know anyone, my parents aren't here, I don't know the pastor WAIT why not? I need to do this. I want to do this. I'm in love with God and God's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be. That settles it. Completely.
I looked at my brother and we both kind of said "You wanna do it?"
You know the rest of the story, I think.
Friday, August 14, 2009
So, this was my first shot at doing anything like this. I am kind of unhappy with it. I am excited to keep trying different things with different materials. This time I used an apple and a lime.
I don't know if this is art or a craft. Art makes me think of something completely different than Crafts. meh, why does it matter what it is called.
I made something. Something new. It took a bit o' creativity. That's a good thing.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
another absurd entry...sorry
I thought I would share what I do in my incredibly interesting life.
I hear lots of people talking about "not having enough time". That whole phrase doesn't really make sense to me because, first of all, you cannot have time like you have a book or something, it is just an idea, so there is no way you could not have enough of it. Secondly, well I actually don't have a second thought about it anymore.
Well...what I am getting at is this: if time can be had...then I have too much of it right now. If it were possible, I would give my extra time to all those people whose time is hiding in a bush or is off wandering. I would probably put it in a package with a nice bow and send it to them in the mail. I don't know if time does well in the mail...does it get torn or bent? carsick? does it need bubble wrap? how much does it weigh? I don't know...that all seems a bit too difficult. (I use ... way to much...it annoys me...it probably annoys you too...why do I continue to do it... ... ...)
Well this is what my large amount of time and I have done today:
Made a map of the creases in the palm of my left hand...so I never get lost?
Made a map of the creases in the palm of my left hand...so I never get lost?
Drew a map of my favorite sitting spots by my house. Maybe I will give it to someone I like so they can enjoy these spots too.
Cut abuncha (don't worry, it's a word. It's England English for a-bunch-of. Trust me. It's okay) circles out of lotsa (again, England English. This is okay too.) pages in a magazine, and glued them in my journal. (can you guess the magazine?)
AND I wrote an award-worthy post on my blog. (It couldn't have been done without my loyal companion, Time, I love you man)
[... used 12 times, ahem, 13 now]
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
summer lovin'
At the beginning of the summer, my relationship with God had kind of fallen to the wayside. I guess I kind of stopped pursuing Him, and then forgot how to love Him. (oh, I hate writing that...how did I forget to love the only one who loves me as much as he does? ... I am stupid) Anyway, I was taking a walk with a friend in the first weeks of summer and something slid out of my mouth like "I hate that guy because..." or something. My friend responded saying something kind of but not even close to: "Really? You hate him? I didn't think you did that". I didn't actually hate anyone, but the fact that I could say something like that about another human really freaked me out. I realized at the instant that I had stopped loving everyone regardless of what they do or who they are. And it hurt me. It felt like I had cheated on my one true love. I felt like I had cheated on God. I don't know how else to explain how I felt...
Since then, I have fallen on my face more than I ever have in my life. I have been talking to God like crazy just trying to get to know Him again and be honest (with Him and myself) again. On my backpacking trip in California, I got to do a 24 hour solo (well, almost 24 hours, it started to rain while I was sleeping, and we had to gather together). During those 14 or something hours alone with God, I feel like I really started to love Him again. Then after the trip, I was alone at my Uncle's home a lot, and so I spent most of those days talking to God and reading some of his word, and just thinking.
A few days ago, I went and bought a copy of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I didn't expect too much from it. But after every couple pages I found myself in tears or close to it because of how Francis Chan describes God's love for me. It took me a while to read the book because I kept closing the book so I could talk to God, and read the bible, and just think about His "crazy" love for me.
I was riding my bike yesterday, and I was thinking about what summer is to me. It has always been a time for me to be refreshed in every aspect of my life. By the end of summer, I usually have gotten rid of that nice layer of fat on my body, and physically feel more alive and much stronger. I eat more fresh food, drink more water in the summer...and it makes me feel good. I always get pretty stinkin' sad/down in the winter, but in the summer I feel so much happier and joyful. But, it mostly is a time for me to refocus on God. By the end of summer, I also feel like a stronger person, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It's looking like it's going to be that way this time too :)
that turned out to be a long post. I always wonder why I keep writing on here. I have a journal, I write plenty in there, why do I keep writing here? But, I love reading what other people write even if it is only very occasionally...so I guess that is why I don't stop.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Song of Solomon quotes
"I wish I'd a knowed more people. I would of loved 'em all. If I'd a knowed more, I would a loved more." --Pilate
"You got a life? Live it! Live the motherfuckin life! Live it!" --Guitar
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Doing much better than my last posts.
I learned to drive stick shift, went for a nice long hike in the desert, saw bear tracks, explored a wonderful used book store for several hours, swam, read a lot, ate some cake for my birthday, went for a run, ran into a cactus (ouch!), and now I am going to go swim some more and read some more. Hey, and now I can go buy and smoke a cigar, buy a lottery ticket, and get a tattoo... although I probably won't do any of that today, but I could.
I learned to drive stick shift, went for a nice long hike in the desert, saw bear tracks, explored a wonderful used book store for several hours, swam, read a lot, ate some cake for my birthday, went for a run, ran into a cactus (ouch!), and now I am going to go swim some more and read some more. Hey, and now I can go buy and smoke a cigar, buy a lottery ticket, and get a tattoo... although I probably won't do any of that today, but I could.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
a list...i think this is a good one
oh, p.s:
I am feeling incredibly grateful at this moment:
1. to have traveled farther than any 17 year old should have
2. for authors of fiction, fantasy, and spirit that have become my companions, my teachers, my remedies for loneliness.
3. for other seekers, other journeymen whose paths cross my own, leaving a profound impression on me (and if not forever, then certainly for specific legs of our long walk through life)
4. for every mile that wears my footprint
5. for my many teachers that show up in many forms
6. to those who listen to me (and those who don’t)
7. to those who present me with challenges that strengthen my own beliefs
8. for discomfort- because it requires me to build my muscles required to love
9. for people who choose kindness over being right
10. to my God (who provides a hug when I tell Him I need one)
Now I feel like taking a big breath, smiling, and falling asleep...but that won't happen because I will probably be thinking, laughing, and crying.
I am feeling incredibly grateful at this moment:
1. to have traveled farther than any 17 year old should have
2. for authors of fiction, fantasy, and spirit that have become my companions, my teachers, my remedies for loneliness.
3. for other seekers, other journeymen whose paths cross my own, leaving a profound impression on me (and if not forever, then certainly for specific legs of our long walk through life)
4. for every mile that wears my footprint
5. for my many teachers that show up in many forms
6. to those who listen to me (and those who don’t)
7. to those who present me with challenges that strengthen my own beliefs
8. for discomfort- because it requires me to build my muscles required to love
9. for people who choose kindness over being right
10. to my God (who provides a hug when I tell Him I need one)
Now I feel like taking a big breath, smiling, and falling asleep...but that won't happen because I will probably be thinking, laughing, and crying.
dirt makes fingenails grow
I have spent the last 7 days backpacking in the Sierra Nevada range. It was beautiful. Everything about it was beautiful. The landscape, the people, what God is doing. The last week has just been filled with such goodness. (I will probably write about it later)
Today, I was trying to be taught how to windsurf. I was not trying to learn, I was simply trying to hold back tears as I feigned learning. I don't cry too often about missing people, so this struck me as kind of odd. I felt like I wasn't myself, I hated being at the beach in the middle of a deserty California, and I just wanted to be alone and cry since I couldn't be with the people I wanted to be with. So I spent several miserable hours trying to be friendly to all the new people around me and a good learner of windsurfing while I pretended to be wiping sand from my now red eyes.
Well, then I talked to my mommy on the phone for an hour and felt better.
Now, I just want to go home. I want to celebrate living for a full 17 years and start my 18th year off well. Cutting my fingernails, Washing clothes, sleeping in a bed, playing guitar, hugging my pup...all things I'm not sure I can wait several days to do.
Today, I was trying to be taught how to windsurf. I was not trying to learn, I was simply trying to hold back tears as I feigned learning. I don't cry too often about missing people, so this struck me as kind of odd. I felt like I wasn't myself, I hated being at the beach in the middle of a deserty California, and I just wanted to be alone and cry since I couldn't be with the people I wanted to be with. So I spent several miserable hours trying to be friendly to all the new people around me and a good learner of windsurfing while I pretended to be wiping sand from my now red eyes.
Well, then I talked to my mommy on the phone for an hour and felt better.
Now, I just want to go home. I want to celebrate living for a full 17 years and start my 18th year off well. Cutting my fingernails, Washing clothes, sleeping in a bed, playing guitar, hugging my pup...all things I'm not sure I can wait several days to do.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Things I have come to love recently:
Yoga.
For the past 5 years, I have done yoga every once in a while. I started doing it because it helped stretch a lot of muscles that were sore from running and biking. After reading a few books by avid yogis, I decided I should try to use yoga as a way to slow down a bit (not that I have a fast-paced lifestyle, ha). So, this summer I have done it about everyday, sometimes even a few times a day if I feel like it. Now, I love it. It helps me think about things that need to be thought about rather than focusing on the petty thoughts in my mind. Afterwards, I always feel like painting, or making some music. It's not something that I will do forever, but it is good for this time in my life.
Tea.
This is something I have also enjoyed for several years. I like everything about it. I like choosing new teas to make. I like waiting for the water to boil. I like that it feels like something straight-from-the-earth because you just put some leaves in water, and you get something beautiful from it. I like mugs (especially plain white ones, I don't know why). I like waiting for it to cool down a bit. I recommend African Honeybush (not tea, it's herbal). and white tea and jasmine green with citrus and I can always go for some tasty black tea with milk and sugar. I'm sure you all want to know this much about tea.
Sundown.
On a Sunday night (I like Sunday nights), I decided to take a walk around the lake near my house. The sun was setting and the sky was a sublime. The other people walking seemed particularly pleasant. As I was recognizing the beauty of the Midwest, a man started playing a string bass in a gazebo. My dog and I had to sit down and enjoy that time for a while. A couple minutes later, a man and his dog walked by and he (the man) said, "It's like dog heaven isn't it? beautiful, huh?". It really was heavenly, and made me appreciate that time of day more.
Driving Slow.
I don't know why. I used to like to drive quite fast. Now I enjoy taking my time to get places.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Busy busy busy
I love when so many things in life seem intertwined and connected in a way that could be just a coincidence. Like the people you meet at certain times always seem to be the perfect people for that perfect time. (of course it sucks when things don't work out that way). I also love when you just meet someone, chat for a bit, and somehow it feels like you have known them always and you know that there has to be something going on within and around us that we don't know about and no human ever will.
I feel like if you meet someone and you wish you wouldn't have spent your life up to that point without them, you should probably try to keep a relationship with them. (although you might always be kind of connected to them in some way or another even if you aren't around them).
I don't know why am thinking about this. I guess I am just realizing how connected everything is/seems.
The world seems pretty small to me at this point in my life. Places that should seem far off, seem to be just around the corner. I kind of like this viewpoint. I am glad I don't think of Uganda as an unreachable place. In my mind, it is not all that different from here. Different weather, lifestyle, etc. but still people living and dealing with whatever issues life brings.
Just pondering....
I'm glad there is so much more I need to learn. I feel young and stupid after entries like these because I know other people have much much wiser thoughts than I do.
I feel like if you meet someone and you wish you wouldn't have spent your life up to that point without them, you should probably try to keep a relationship with them. (although you might always be kind of connected to them in some way or another even if you aren't around them).
I don't know why am thinking about this. I guess I am just realizing how connected everything is/seems.
The world seems pretty small to me at this point in my life. Places that should seem far off, seem to be just around the corner. I kind of like this viewpoint. I am glad I don't think of Uganda as an unreachable place. In my mind, it is not all that different from here. Different weather, lifestyle, etc. but still people living and dealing with whatever issues life brings.
Just pondering....
I'm glad there is so much more I need to learn. I feel young and stupid after entries like these because I know other people have much much wiser thoughts than I do.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
No Envy No Fear
Some are reaching few are there,
want to reign from the heroes chair,
some are scared to fly so high,
well this is how we have to try:
Have no envy and no fear
have no envy, no fear
Brother brother we all see,
you're hiding out so painfully,
see yourself come out to play,
a lovers rain will wash away
Your envy and your fear,
so have no envy, no fear
When your sister turns to leave,
only when she's most in need,
take away the cause of pain,
by showing her we're all the same.
Have no envy and no fear,
have no envy and no fear
Every day we try to find,
we search our hearts and our minds,
the place we used to call our home,
can't be found when we're alone
So have no envy, no fear,
have no envy and no fear
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I'm not sure why I like these lyrics so much. I guess they are just what I needed today; a clear reminder to live without envy and fear.
Oh yea, it is written by Joshua Radin.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
some lovely music. (well, photos of the lovely people who make the lovely music)
I like these people quite a bit. This is Abigail Washburn & The Sparrow Quartet. Ben Sollee is part of the quartet. You should listen to both Abigail Washburn and Ben Sollee.o here's Ben Sollee (he rides a bike. he has inspired me to ride my bike across the country sometime or another.)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Free Will
Meet Rob Brezny.
His website alone can give you a lift just be smelling it. I salute this man today for his dedication to inspiration. This is him in action.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
How does CS Lewis know more about me than I do?
When it comes to affection, Lewis is spot on when he classifies some people as a type that "seal up the very fountain for which they are thirsty"
And on friendship: "This love, free from instinct, free from all duties but those, which love has freely assumed, almost wholly free from jealousy, and free without qualification from the need to be needed, is eminently spiritual".
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I love book fairs. I went to a fantastic one in Chicago today, and got a tremendous stack of libros for under 30 bucks! wooot.
My summer reading pile is beginning to look too large for 3 months....
This post is unnecessary. and I am pretty sure I just spelled unnecessary incorrectly. I will do spell check....CORRECT! I am a master speller. I should be on that one spelling bee with those ridiculous words where everyone is like "Origin?" because they think that will help them spell it more correct. This is becoming unreadable.
I apologize for this disjointed conglomeration of letters. Why am I writing as if I were in a use-the-sweetest-words-you-can-contest.
O! they have dinosaurs at the zoo. WHAT? yesssir, real-moving-noisemaking-LIFEsize dinos.
this is getting out of hand. I am going to stop myself right n-
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I am frustrated with circumstances and people right now. I am sad that I have no plans for the summer. I feel like I have no friends. It's not that people don't care about me...I want someone who will just hang out with me because they like to be with me. I want someone who I can tell these things to rather than this fucking computer. I want someone to dance with and make music with and laugh with. I want someone to drink tea with. I want someone who would miss me if I left.
I am so sick of this. of this frustration. of conversations with myself. of laughing at jokes that only I understand. of dancing alone. of feeling completely alone.
am I alone in feeling this way too? I also feel like I am the only person who feels alone?
Why do i feel more alone when I am around people then when I am by myself? why do I want to be around people but then get bored with them and want to be alone because at least i don't get bored alone? is that not horrible?
there is no way i am pressing "publish post" because then everyone will know. that would make me transparent which is what we are all avoiding right? that's why we only put the good things about us on our facebook pages...the things we want people to know about us. About me: I almost always feel lonely. Interests: talking a lot so that no one else ever gets a chance, and then feeling really crappy about talking a lot because no one else ever got a chance...and complaining. Activities: self deprecation.
where is this post going? no where. absolutely no where.
I could have just said: I am frustrated.
I could have been vague.
I could have avoided writing "fuck".
but i didn't. in fact, i have now written it twice. maybe if i changed the spelling to "fcuk" or something, no one would care. that's not true.
I have had a bad attitude for about a month now. it's probably about time to stop that...
I am so sick of this. of this frustration. of conversations with myself. of laughing at jokes that only I understand. of dancing alone. of feeling completely alone.
am I alone in feeling this way too? I also feel like I am the only person who feels alone?
Why do i feel more alone when I am around people then when I am by myself? why do I want to be around people but then get bored with them and want to be alone because at least i don't get bored alone? is that not horrible?
there is no way i am pressing "publish post" because then everyone will know. that would make me transparent which is what we are all avoiding right? that's why we only put the good things about us on our facebook pages...the things we want people to know about us. About me: I almost always feel lonely. Interests: talking a lot so that no one else ever gets a chance, and then feeling really crappy about talking a lot because no one else ever got a chance...and complaining. Activities: self deprecation.
where is this post going? no where. absolutely no where.
I could have just said: I am frustrated.
I could have been vague.
I could have avoided writing "fuck".
but i didn't. in fact, i have now written it twice. maybe if i changed the spelling to "fcuk" or something, no one would care. that's not true.
I have had a bad attitude for about a month now. it's probably about time to stop that...
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Just some things on my mind...
Life has been good lately. I like living.
I am in the orchestra for West Side Story, which is a lot of fun. I love that I spend the majority of my waking hours making music. I have also just decided to run a half marathon, which makes me excited. Honestly, I just run so I don't get fat (and I like the endorphins) but I get bored running 2 or 3 miles a day. So, it is nice to work for something greater.
Recently, I have taken great interest in religions other than Christianity. I was very much born into Christianity, and I have chosen to believe it as the truth, but I just want to know about what other people think. I have definite reasons to follow Christ, but I also want definite reasons NOT to take part in other belief systems. I've been reading about the basics of other religions, talking to some teachers about them, and I have recently started reading Jesus Among Other Gods by Ravi Zacharias. It is nice to hear another Christian's very reasonable explanation of why he follows Christ.
Oh yea, I have decided to keep learning as much as I can. I get more excited every day about going to Azusa Pacific. There are so many sweet opportunities there, such as living in LA for a semester, with a very poor family, and working with some organization. Also, I have to (and really want to) go out of the country for 5-7 months for my global studies major. I also have the opportunity to live a bit south of Yosemite in the wilderness for a semester. Professors and about 40 other students will live there as well. I just imagine hiking all the time and reading in trees. I am also very pleased that I will be close to lots of live music (and excited about making lots of music).
New experiences that make me very uncomfortable are always good for me.
oh, one more thing: Blindness by Jose Saramago is a great book. Great. It says a lot about humanity. it made me very uncomfortable, yet made me question a lot.0 (It also made me really scared of becoming blind while reading it)
I am in the orchestra for West Side Story, which is a lot of fun. I love that I spend the majority of my waking hours making music. I have also just decided to run a half marathon, which makes me excited. Honestly, I just run so I don't get fat (and I like the endorphins) but I get bored running 2 or 3 miles a day. So, it is nice to work for something greater.
Recently, I have taken great interest in religions other than Christianity. I was very much born into Christianity, and I have chosen to believe it as the truth, but I just want to know about what other people think. I have definite reasons to follow Christ, but I also want definite reasons NOT to take part in other belief systems. I've been reading about the basics of other religions, talking to some teachers about them, and I have recently started reading Jesus Among Other Gods by Ravi Zacharias. It is nice to hear another Christian's very reasonable explanation of why he follows Christ.
Oh yea, I have decided to keep learning as much as I can. I get more excited every day about going to Azusa Pacific. There are so many sweet opportunities there, such as living in LA for a semester, with a very poor family, and working with some organization. Also, I have to (and really want to) go out of the country for 5-7 months for my global studies major. I also have the opportunity to live a bit south of Yosemite in the wilderness for a semester. Professors and about 40 other students will live there as well. I just imagine hiking all the time and reading in trees. I am also very pleased that I will be close to lots of live music (and excited about making lots of music).
New experiences that make me very uncomfortable are always good for me.
oh, one more thing: Blindness by Jose Saramago is a great book. Great. It says a lot about humanity. it made me very uncomfortable, yet made me question a lot.0 (It also made me really scared of becoming blind while reading it)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
mad poetry skillz of a 9 year old
Smiley
There once was a very, very happy face
Who loved to wear beautiful lace
Her smile was huge
She liked riding the luge
And he lived in a very big case
by Whitney
There once was a very, very happy face
Who loved to wear beautiful lace
Her smile was huge
She liked riding the luge
And he lived in a very big case
by Whitney
Sunday, April 19, 2009
a bit o' reflection
My life right now is incredibly solitary, but I am okay with that. My life is filled with love and reverence. I guess there are just times when life should be filled with people, and times to be alone for growth and perspective.
Some times I make myself believe that normal high school things would be fun and worthwhile, but then whenever I take part in them I am bored and disappointed. I am glad that I have chosen to fill these last four years with reading, art, music, and learning even though that made me a bit more solitary than if I had made as many friends as I could have, played sports, and gone to all the school stuff.
I had such a perfect weekend. I am glad to rest now, drink some tea, read a book, and make some music.
Some times I make myself believe that normal high school things would be fun and worthwhile, but then whenever I take part in them I am bored and disappointed. I am glad that I have chosen to fill these last four years with reading, art, music, and learning even though that made me a bit more solitary than if I had made as many friends as I could have, played sports, and gone to all the school stuff.
I had such a perfect weekend. I am glad to rest now, drink some tea, read a book, and make some music.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w--2CksJqkE
when I listen to some of this guy's music, I often find myself bouncing up and down and smiling.
when I listen to some of this guy's music, I often find myself bouncing up and down and smiling.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Lately I haven't been in the blogging mood. Nor have I been in the 'sharing my life with other people' mood.
Solitude is so comfortable for me, but nothing great ever happens when I am comfortable. It looks kind of like this:
(oh this reminds....Man on Wire is phenomenal)
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Somedays my dreams seem so small, yet somedays they seem unattainable. I guess it is good to have both kinds.
Solitude is so comfortable for me, but nothing great ever happens when I am comfortable. It looks kind of like this:
(oh this reminds....Man on Wire is phenomenal)
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Somedays my dreams seem so small, yet somedays they seem unattainable. I guess it is good to have both kinds.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Yesterday at school, I became (once again) incredibly aware of the heart-breaking state of our society. I walked into first period and heard the girl sitting behind me talking to her group of friends. She said that there is a Sociology trip where they can choose to go somewhere, but no one will go because they have to go through a dangerous neighborhood to get there. Sociology class in high school is about trying to get people to realize that all people are humans and to think about issues a little bit. The girl continued to rant about how ridiculous the trip is and how unsafe it would be for them to try to risk her life. That made me sad.
Later, we were learning about the greatest risks to our society and diseases that have caused the most deaths. Jokes were made about AIDS. The numbers on the board said that about 13 million people die every year from diseases that could be prevented.....and my fellow classmates were cracking jokes. Then a group of us were studying for the test, and one kid says he'll draw a picture of AIDS. I didn't know what that meant, but I was kind of annoyed with him, so I didn't ask. A couple minutes later, there was a picture of a person shooting someone else and the blood for the person shot splattered on someone else who then contracted HIV.
How had man become so desensitized to such large numbers of people being killed?
Why are we so okay with violence?
What makes you better than anyone else?
Why does man feel fear rather than sadness when they see poverty?
Why do we not care for people more?
(That was a downer. there are good things happening too. the trees haven't stopped growing. God is still good.)
Later, we were learning about the greatest risks to our society and diseases that have caused the most deaths. Jokes were made about AIDS. The numbers on the board said that about 13 million people die every year from diseases that could be prevented.....and my fellow classmates were cracking jokes. Then a group of us were studying for the test, and one kid says he'll draw a picture of AIDS. I didn't know what that meant, but I was kind of annoyed with him, so I didn't ask. A couple minutes later, there was a picture of a person shooting someone else and the blood for the person shot splattered on someone else who then contracted HIV.
How had man become so desensitized to such large numbers of people being killed?
Why are we so okay with violence?
What makes you better than anyone else?
Why does man feel fear rather than sadness when they see poverty?
Why do we not care for people more?
(That was a downer. there are good things happening too. the trees haven't stopped growing. God is still good.)
Monday, March 2, 2009
I am beginning to realize that if you connect with someone creatively and spiritually, it would be a wise move to try to grow that relationship because those relationships are not easy to find.
I have become even more solitary over the past couple months than usual. Although I wish that were not the case, that seems to be my inevitable nature because it keeps happening time and time again. This has been a great time of learning, reading, and making music for me, but I miss having any deep relationship(s).
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Now is so powerful. Now is more powerful than any other time. You can't change the past, you don't know what the future is, but you know what now is and you can do anything you want.
I have become even more solitary over the past couple months than usual. Although I wish that were not the case, that seems to be my inevitable nature because it keeps happening time and time again. This has been a great time of learning, reading, and making music for me, but I miss having any deep relationship(s).
---------------------------------------
Now is so powerful. Now is more powerful than any other time. You can't change the past, you don't know what the future is, but you know what now is and you can do anything you want.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
One Hundred Years of Solitude is a fantastic book.
I find myself laughing out loud, and also filled with sadness in every chapter. Not to mention Marquez's imagination like that of a child that makes my mind come up with some crazy ideas.
Plus, it has inspired lots of good music! ("The Sad Waltzes of Pietro Crespi" Owen & maybe "Bag of Bones", and "Remedios the Beautiful" The Appleseed Cast)
I find myself laughing out loud, and also filled with sadness in every chapter. Not to mention Marquez's imagination like that of a child that makes my mind come up with some crazy ideas.
Plus, it has inspired lots of good music! ("The Sad Waltzes of Pietro Crespi" Owen & maybe "Bag of Bones", and "Remedios the Beautiful" The Appleseed Cast)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I was reading my environmental science book again, and I have come an astounding conclussion.
This generation is completely ridiculous.
People eat so little food in some parts of the world that 690 people die every hour from undernutrition and malnutrition. Other people eat so much food that 1.2 billions face health problems from eating too much. One in four people is overweight. One in twenty is obese.
so while 1 billion people have health problems because they do not get enough to eat, another 1.2 billion have health problems because they get too much to eat.
We (the earth) produce more than enough food to meet the basic nutritional needs of every person on the earth. Even with this surplus, one in every six people in developing countries is not getting enough to eat.
The root cause of hunger and malnutrition is poverty.
each year 6 millions children die prematurely from undernutrition and malnutrition because of their weak condition.
This means, each day 16,400 children die prematurely from these causes related to poverty.
(data from Living in the Environment 15th Edition by G. Tyler Miller, Jr.)
This generation is completely ridiculous.
People eat so little food in some parts of the world that 690 people die every hour from undernutrition and malnutrition. Other people eat so much food that 1.2 billions face health problems from eating too much. One in four people is overweight. One in twenty is obese.
so while 1 billion people have health problems because they do not get enough to eat, another 1.2 billion have health problems because they get too much to eat.
We (the earth) produce more than enough food to meet the basic nutritional needs of every person on the earth. Even with this surplus, one in every six people in developing countries is not getting enough to eat.
The root cause of hunger and malnutrition is poverty.
each year 6 millions children die prematurely from undernutrition and malnutrition because of their weak condition.
This means, each day 16,400 children die prematurely from these causes related to poverty.
(data from Living in the Environment 15th Edition by G. Tyler Miller, Jr.)
Sunday, January 4, 2009
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