At the beginning of the summer, my relationship with God had kind of fallen to the wayside. I guess I kind of stopped pursuing Him, and then forgot how to love Him. (oh, I hate writing that...how did I forget to love the only one who loves me as much as he does? ... I am stupid) Anyway, I was taking a walk with a friend in the first weeks of summer and something slid out of my mouth like "I hate that guy because..." or something. My friend responded saying something kind of but not even close to: "Really? You hate him? I didn't think you did that". I didn't actually hate anyone, but the fact that I could say something like that about another human really freaked me out. I realized at the instant that I had stopped loving everyone regardless of what they do or who they are. And it hurt me. It felt like I had cheated on my one true love. I felt like I had cheated on God. I don't know how else to explain how I felt...
Since then, I have fallen on my face more than I ever have in my life. I have been talking to God like crazy just trying to get to know Him again and be honest (with Him and myself) again. On my backpacking trip in California, I got to do a 24 hour solo (well, almost 24 hours, it started to rain while I was sleeping, and we had to gather together). During those 14 or something hours alone with God, I feel like I really started to love Him again. Then after the trip, I was alone at my Uncle's home a lot, and so I spent most of those days talking to God and reading some of his word, and just thinking.
A few days ago, I went and bought a copy of Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I didn't expect too much from it. But after every couple pages I found myself in tears or close to it because of how Francis Chan describes God's love for me. It took me a while to read the book because I kept closing the book so I could talk to God, and read the bible, and just think about His "crazy" love for me.
I was riding my bike yesterday, and I was thinking about what summer is to me. It has always been a time for me to be refreshed in every aspect of my life. By the end of summer, I usually have gotten rid of that nice layer of fat on my body, and physically feel more alive and much stronger. I eat more fresh food, drink more water in the summer...and it makes me feel good. I always get pretty stinkin' sad/down in the winter, but in the summer I feel so much happier and joyful. But, it mostly is a time for me to refocus on God. By the end of summer, I also feel like a stronger person, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It's looking like it's going to be that way this time too :)
that turned out to be a long post. I always wonder why I keep writing on here. I have a journal, I write plenty in there, why do I keep writing here? But, I love reading what other people write even if it is only very occasionally...so I guess that is why I don't stop.
1 comment:
Hey Whitney. It's so good to hear that this is what your summer was like. You will be so glad it was like that in the future. When you look back on that and think on how you started college you will be so grateful for this summer. That's really cool. I hope you finish off well. You're probably leaving soon!
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