“What a terrible thing it is to botch a farewell. I am a person who believes in form, in the harmony of order. Where we can, we must give things a meaningful shape. For example - I wonder - could you tell my jumbled story in exactly one hundred chapters, not one more, not one less? I'll tell you, that's one thing I have about my nickname, the way the number runs on forever. It's important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse. That bungled goodbye hurts me to this day. I wish so much that I'd had one last look at him in the lifeboat, that I'd provoked him a little, so that I was on his mind. I wish I had said to him then - yes, I know, to a tiger, but still - I wish I had said, "Richard Parker, it's over. We have survived. Can you believe it? I owe you more gratitude than I can express I couldn't have done it without you. I would like to say it formally: Richard Parker, thank you. Thank you for saving my life. And now go where you must. You have known the confined freedom of a zoo most of your life; now you will know the free confinement of a jungle. I wish you all the best with it. Watch out for Man. He is not your friend. But I hope you will remember me as a friend. I will never forget you , that is certain. You will always be with me, in my heart. What is that hiss? Ah, our boat has touched sand. So farewell, Richard Parker, farewell. God be with you.” 

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

More Lambs!

Lambs!

A Strange Adventure

I took a little trip into the desert this weekend with Paige (who took these photos) and a little dog named Willie. Our first stop was Salvation Mountain near Niland, CA. A man named Leonard spent 15 years of his life trying to build a hot air balloon, then devoted the rest of his life to creating this mountain made out of adobe, straw bales, and donated paint. His message is obvious: God is love.  It's painted EVERYWHERE.

The kind man who volunteers there now that Leonard lives in a nursing home offered to take this photo of us.

 Leonard also created a "Museum," which is modeled after his hot air balloon. Trees, tires, car doors, more adobe and straw bales hold up a bunch of little rooms. If feels a bit like wonderland.

It all felt a little odd to me. There were shrines of crosses and trophies and barbies and bibles with 'God is Love' written everywhere. That message just doesn't mean something on its own accord, we only know what it means because we have been told what it means, and I'm not sure I believe what I've been told. And I was baffled that someone would spend there entirely life to build this physical monument to God with a message of which the consequences are unclear. The shrines screamed religious craziness. It just seemed very detached from the world I know. I think I understand putting something new, something of yours out there into the world for other people to see, especially something that has meaning to your life. I just didn't especially connect to this. I can appreciate it for art and for how it has brought this community together. 

So then, we decided to explore the Salton Sea a bit. It is an inland ocean, home to millions of Tilapia and bird species. It was once a popular destination spot, but has since died. Literally. It is surrounded by ghost towns, by salt covered buildings, and floating docks. And, the lake itself is dying. The inflow comes from agricultural runoff, but evaporation is now exceeding input, so it shrinks daily. This lowers the carrying capacity for the fish, which now cover the shores. 

The town of Bombay Beach. 

As we were walking, the feeling and sound of my feet on the ground was really odd. So, I bent down to see what the sand was made of.

It is literally made of dead fish and fish bones. No rocks, no sand....bones.

So, we quickly got in our car and headed back to a place where there is a bit more life. We explored a whole other world that day, it felt like. We even had to go through a weird border patrol station, except we didn't go past the Mexico or Arizona border. The Salton sea may be an example of what we are getting ourselves into by living so detached from nature.

I locked my bike to yours

I was sitting in the library looking out the window listening to Jack Johnson, watching people walk by, watching the leaves swirl up around them as they kicked their feet. And I saw myself doing this. I also saw myself curled up in a ball, hiding my wet face underneath the table I was sitting at. And I saw myself mustering all my Leo-like charisma, walking out of the library with a smile on my face greeting friends and strangers alike, letting go. So I just kept breathing. Breathing in love and breathing out gratitude. In. Love. Out. Gratitude. Belly breaths, you know. Not those wimpy breaths that deprive my lungs of liveliness that I'm used to. 

It's a soft day. Do you know what I mean? Where the softness and squishiness of my all too human body is all too evident. When my thoughts are much quieter and gentler. When abrasive people have the power to demolish me entirely. When I realize how much I love the people who introduced me to the music I'm listening to. And how much I miss them. And how I will miss the people around me the same way I miss the people who were once around me. And I notice how the fall air feels on bottoms of my toes. And how that new conditioner makes my hair feel so soft on my neck. 

And the pain of the of our lives continues. Progresses, even. That's one of those words that makes me cringe--progress. Praw-gress. Pro-gress. And today, I don't just know there is pain, but I feel it deep within my squishy body. It makes me long all the more for new human connections, for deeper human connections. For moments when I think of dear friend, then moments later my phone glows illuminating their name and a message or call from them. For those moments when a smile from someone who seems to be a stranger but feels like a past sister or brother.  

And there will be more pain in the world tomorrow than there is today. But the softness of today is gentle enough to feel the pain and at the same time notice the goodness that balances it. 

Grow Old

I grow old . . . I grow old . . . 

I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

But the sun does not cause us to grow.

It is the rain that will strengthen your soul.

It will make you whole. 

"You're too old to be so shy," he says to me so I stay the night

Just a young heart confusing my mind, but we're both in silence.

a half-finished love affair

I woke up on the right side of the bed today...then I saw Cloud Atlas and it got even better.

It was a story version of I Am (for those of you who have seen that documentary), a story of human connection, of how our lives are connected to past lives, other present lives, and futures lives...in somewhat of a Samsara kind of way, but also in a way us dualistic westerners can make sense of. Our actions, our love, our kindness, and even our evil affects the lives all around us, the lives of people who will come after us, and likewise our lives are affected by those who have come before us. It is stories of people who give up their lives for the good of others, for the good of life altogether, and for life to come. A story of love--the ultimate connection we make with others.

If I am asked what kind of spirituality I have, I would say that it's the most practical a religion could be. I feel so connected to the life around me, to people, to plants, to animals, to the earth, that talking about metaphysical beings or after-life seems useless and meaningless. I find so much meaning in the life around me, I need nothing more. What an idea this movie suggests that when we meet people who we feel we've known forever,  perhaps we have known them in a previous lifetime. Or, when we lose someone we feel a deep connection to, maybe we know them in another life, later. Not the most rational thought, but logic is pretty useless anyway. What a beautiful thought, though. And, it's different than the afterlife, because it's within the beauty of life as we know it, not some made up, imagined future universe. I know I've felt it/I feel it.

That's my pitch. Go see it. Disclaimer: you may weep. I know I sat in between my two friends, all three of us weeping.

"Fear. Belief. Love. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives. These forces begin long before we are born, and continue long after we perish."