21 List

"Fear. Belief. Love. Phenomena that determine the course of our lives. These forces begin long before we are born and continue after we perish"

I've just had another birthday so my list of 21 things to do while I'm 21 should have been completed by now. Of course, I didn't do everything, but then again, I never do. Also, the point of the list isn't really to complete every action on the list, but to align myself and figure out who I want to be by the end of that year.

The list of things I did do:
1. Hike in the Grand Canyon ( 10/5 Rim to Rim)
3. WWOOF
5. Stop being afraid of climbing
6. Keep in touch
7. Get a job
8. Write: journal, blog...something
9. Make cheese
10. Hang out with Mo
11. Try to have a relationship with professors my last semester of college
14. Think about/ learn about what it means to love
15. Yoga everyday for one month (February...what up)
16. Learn about herbal medicine and practice it
17. 21 National Park visits (I only got to 15...but that's pretty good)
18. Figure out what I want/ who I want to be
20. Send a letter per week
21. Take more photos

What I didn't do:
2. Visit Boulder, CO
4. Get a tattoo (it will happen as soon as I think of something good enough)
13. Hike Wonderland trail (but I  made it to WA and I look at Mt. Rainier every clear day)
19. Do Karaoke (it'll happen...)

Most of them were easy to measure. The hardest were numbers 14 and 18. I thought I'd share the little I figured out.

So, who do I want to be/ what do I want? I want to not buy into hate and fear, be genuine, confident (not try to be anything than honest to myself and others), balance logic and emotion within myself, live a calm, contented, simple (yet adventurous) life: garden, cook, read, make music, hike, live in a beautiful place, learn constantly, use my hands, creativity, brain all at once, include everyone (be kind, be kind, be kind).

What I learned about love. This one is harder to answer and while I've experienced love and heartbreak a little more, it's pretty damn hard to write down what I've learned from my experiences. I've learned that heartbreak is lonely and just plain awful. The first 10 days of a romantic relationship are awesome. It gets harder from there. But for some reason, it's worth it.

I mostly learned to simply be open to love. Open to giving love freely and receiving it joyfully and being supportive of love between others. To be caring, gently, loving--it's not weak, it's actually a sign of strength and selflessness. I also learned that I have to be deliberately open in order to love others.

"I love because my love is not dependent on the object of love. My love is dependent on my state of being, so whether the other person changes, becomes difference, a friend turns into a foe, does not matter, because my love was never dependent on the other person. My love is my state of being. I simply love." -Osho

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." - The Alchemist

Hello year 22! A new list coming my way soon!

Reunion

all we want is to connect
to be a part of something
a family, a history
the story of life itself
but we don't know how
so we obsess over our iphones
hoping for some glimpse of human connection
we go to church and feel God
feel a part of something outside ourselves
take mind-altering drugs
and drown ourselves in alcohol
poisons that blur the disconnect
maybe its all a matter of opinion
who am I to judge what is better and worse.
You know, I can't help but convince myself
 that I am right
and they're all wrong.

because I've seen just a glimpse
the story of why I am who I am
why my mother raised me to be thoughtful
and how her mother, her grandmother,
her great-grandmother did the same.
I cherish the stories, the similar noses,
the deep hugs, the love of strangers
I feel inextricably connected to.

She drew me close
to make out the shape of my eyes
through her own aging, worn eyes,
saying how much I resemble
the woman I love so dearly.
She called me beautiful
then posed with a smirk,
"well, of course she is,
look who she takes after!"

And, another, she rides motorcycles.
the others fear her boldness.
she says what she means
not too sweet, but not too sour.
she knows of her autonomy
but recognizes how limiting it can be
drawing her to adventures here and there
cold dips in mountain pools
sweet, delicious mangoes in faraway places
the eyes of someone who needs something she has
and stories aplenty to captivate
to share, to teach the next generation
what it means to be a human.

so I go home, still unsure of what that word means
but its land and its people,
I am forever entwined with.
and the orange glow of the sunset
illuminates the trees like never before
the trees rest on the land of the old neighbors
the ones who have no one to give the land they love to
he notices the setting sun, the ending of the day
and I wish I could be the loved one
he passes his home unto.