"this is the s*** memories are made of"

Dearest Emerald Cove,

It has been 12 months now that I have known you--one full year. I have spent each day with you. I thought it would take me a while to feel at home here, at least a couple weeks, but within the first hour of being here, I knew I had never felt so at home in a place.
You've seen me change dramatically. At my best and my worst. You've seem my cry like a child and play a child. You've also seen me cry like an adult and learn and teach like an adult.

In January, there was no way you could get me to dance in front of anybody. Now, in December, you couldn't stop me from dancing if the right beat comes on.

I am capable of being more gentle with others and with myself. I have more endurance with ideas and thoughts, with relationships, and even with physical activity now. I realize how blessed I am in the things I took for granted before.

I have acquired a love for a simple life, and that includes more than just materials I possess. I have a passion for a simplicity of mind that I will continue to learn about and practice.

I learned to be extroverted. Loving others and serving others often means not being the introvert I wish to be and am naturally inclined to be.

I learned to let myself be loved by others. To take compliments and believe in myself. I learned that I have value.

I learned to love others. all others, not just people like me. I learned to love people that really piss me off.

I learned how to navigate the night sky! I know constellations now. byah!

I learned to have a much freer spirit. To adventure everyday. To dress up in silly costumes a lot. To laugh a lot. To cry a lot. To really throw everything I am into relationships.

I learned to love rock-climbing. A vertical dance on rocks that makes me feel success, failure, frustration, elation, fear, confidence, anxiety, and peace all at the same time. I have learned a new lifestyle, one of living, eating, waking, sleeping, and playing outdoors.

I learned so much more. about myself. about the world. about the earth. about humanity. about God. about community. about leading. about loving. about the outdoors. about learning. about teaching. about praying. about living. sheesh.

what a good year. what a passionate, life-giving year.
may I bless others with what I have learned and how I've changed.
may I never take people or relationships or opportunities or experiences for granted.
may we all stop and watch the sunset more often.
may we notice the changes in the night sky, and not forget the earth we are a part of.
may we allow ourselves to be loved and cared for.
may we all take the time to serve others with all we have.

Sincerely,
Whitney aka "Tibia"

p.s. the title quote is what my friend said after our epic thanksgiving backpacking trip. i should record that on here.

May our commitment to you far exceed any other commitments we have made.

The pastor said this in his prayer this morning.
As I make commitments to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world everyday, this prayer seems essential for me. I learn about Taoism and it seems beautiful and legitimate.
I grab onto pragmatism and Plato's Republic and the ideas of friends and far-off wanderers and journeymen.
I hear lyrics that reflect a way that I understand reality and I commit to that way of seeing things.
And faith gets more complicated everyday with every conversations I have, books I read, and classes I attend.

But, I am realizing (with the help of some very honest friends) that my commitments to a way of thinking fluctuate daily.
But, I don't think that is a bad thing. It is a sign that I am trying to figure things out. I am struggling to know what I believe and struggling even more to articulate that.

But, I think I am going to continue this prayer that my commitment to God may "far exceed any other commitments" that I make.

I am leaving Bass Lake, California in less than 2 weeks.

and I cannot stop thinking about this past year and all that it has meant to me, about the people that have come in and out of my life, about all this place has meant to me.

and i am more sentimental than I ever have been.

and tears come pretty easily these days...like right now.

When God sets about purifying a human being, the process is accomplished in large measure by human agents. This is because the components of our being which block our receptivity to grace are the very blemishes which other people find ugly. The negative reactions of others serve as a mirror in which we can see reflected those deformations of character against which we need to struggle. The pain we experience in being rejected acts as a purge to motivate us to make ourselves more genuinely lovable. Any advance in this direction has the automatic effect of increasing our openness to the action of God. Of course, one who refuses to acquiesce in the truth of others' reactions becomes more deeply entrenched in the bitterness and recrimination and further away from love of God.
Michael Casey

Take 2

My mind is reeling from this weekend. It was the second time I've been to San Francisco.

First off, it is such a colorful city, just bustling with life. So many different people live there, such a variety of souls. I had a fantastic time trying to understand reality a little better by exploring the art museums and Basilicas and churches. I felt a connection to the history as I walked along Haight Street. I felt like a little kid wandering through Golden Gate Park on trails that led nowhere and everywhere. I felt like I was in high school again as I played the disc golf course in Golden Gate Park. I felt so joyful and blessed to sit in an Ethiopian restaurant with dear loved ones as we used our hands to share a tasty (and meat-free!) feast off one plate. And I felt like I was on top of the world (or at least Half Dome) after trekking up stairs to Coit tower to see the beauty the city has to offer at night. All the time with a cool ocean breeze filling my nose (along with every other wonderful and stinky smell that came and went) and people that are way too interesting and good for me to be so lucky to be around.

Upon first getting to the city, I was feeling something between wanting to cry out of sadness and wanting to punch someone in the face out of anger. (I did neither). As we drove along the streets, some people with me (people who call themselves Christians, I believe) began making jokes and comments about not only the poor and the homeless, but really anyone who didn't possess the same exact qualities as themselves. And as I now process some of the feelings I had at the time...I think I figured out what was wrenching inside me. Aristotle talks about potentiality and actuality. I tend to view people in terms of their potential. I want to tell each person, "You were meant for amazing things." Even if they do look funny, or if they are a complete asshole, or are spending every dime and thought on the next fix, they are better than their worst. And, I know the people saying these comments are better than that; and the people the comments are being said about are better than the commenter is making them appear.

And I say to myself, "Whitney, Whitney, they are just words. Relax." But I know that is not true. Words are powerful. The small jokes and comments we make are meaningful. We can use words to make ourselves appear powerful and better than the rest. Words manipulate and continue evil notions that need not be continued. A little "meaningless" racist or sexist joke continues the stereotypes and biases that create the broken world we are a part of. And, I know...I know deeply that I am not good at using my words wisely. I also manipulate and hurt people with the words I use...making myself appear better than I am and wiser, and more interesting. Little things slip out of my mouth that belittle others and raise myself up a little more. And I am so sorry for all that I have said that does that to others. I screw up. I screw up a lot.

I am confused about how to deal best with poverty. Or, really, how to care for beggars. I cannot avoid eye contact. Not meeting their eyes would be treating a beggar like an animal. Meeting their eyes means stopping and listening to the proposition. And, most often that means I am refusing to give them the money they ask for. And, that seems to not be obeying Jesus' command to give to the poor. And...I have no idea what to do. It is so much bigger than me. So much bigger than one interaction, or even the hundreds of interactions that I met this weekend. I wish there was a simple answer, but it seems that we've created such a hierarchical world that there are only complex answers now (or maybe the answers were always more complex than they appeared).

The closest I have come to a simple answer tonight: two friends and I were sitting on a bench waiting for another friend to get off a bus nearby. A man walks up and says, "I'll give you a twenty for some herb." And we kind of chuckle about how he said it. Then, the friend sitting to my right says something and we end up finding out that he was deaf or something and couldn't really hear what my friend was saying and needed to read lips. But, none of the words really matter. The interesting thing about this was that I felt like the four of us were friends when he came up to us. There was this sense, I guess, that we were all just chilling. And, maybe that is the simple answer. In these incredibly short interactions with the poor, there has to be some kind of judgement-free, hospitable, "we're-on-the-same-level-here," cruising together exchange. maybe...maybe there are leagues of complexity beyond that.

And so, I will keep struggling. And I'll write about in the meantime. And maybe you can think about it too...and then you can write about it or talk about it or write a song about it...or poem or dissertation...or live differently...or dream differently.

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I am also confused about some inner turmoil happening that is probably going to end up quite vague on here (and it seems kind of ridiculous to write about in comparison to the slightly larger issue I just wrote about). I have no clue how to interpret my own feelings, no idea when to act and when not to, when to rely on reason or when to rely on feeling or even command. I don't know what I want...and that's okay because what I want is not all that important to how I live or what I do. But still...I kind of wish I knew just for the sake of knowing. And I get nervous in relationships and friendships. I get nervous that I will continue to see past the bad parts of people (especially the people I really like) and notice most obviously their good, but that they will forget the good in me and only see the bad and the faults. And that scares me. the end.

Been reading some good stuff lately...

Last week, I read some of the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Here's a quote that Rosenberg uses:
...the more you become a connoisseur of gratitude, the less you are a victim of resentment, depression, and despair. Gratitude will act as an elixir that will gradually dissolve the hard shell of your ego-your need o possess and control-and transform you into a generous being. The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous-large souled. (Same Keen, philosopher)

Then I watched the documentary 180 Degrees South. And it made me want to rock climb every day of my life, and mountaineer, and surf. And mostly, it made me super interested in Patagonia, and my dreams are running wild with images of Patagonia. And it got me thinking about maybe going there for my Global Learning Term (a semester where I can pretty much go wherever I want).

Then I got to do a little hiking this weekend, and some rock climbing and star gazing and back country cooking. And it was just what I needed to make me excited about life and learning again.

I just read this speech ("Leading from Within") by Parker Palmer, found in his book "Let your life speak: listening for the voice of vocation." And it was so stinking good, here's a quote:
We share a responsibility for creating the external world by projecting either a spirit of light or a spirit of shadow on that which is other than us. Either a spirit of hope or a spirit of despair. Either an inner confidence in wholeness and integration, or an inner terror about life being diseased and ultimately terminal. We have a choice about what we are going to project, and in that choice we help create the world that is. Consciousness precedes being.
There is a fantastic quote by Annie Dillard and a speech given by Vaclav Havel (the president of Czechoslovakia) to the US Congress .

Before heading to bed, I have been reading a book by a professor I had last semester called "Monk Habits for Everyday People" by Dennis Okholm. It challenges a lot of my Protestant comfort zones, and makes me see how enriched my life could be by such simple habits that the Benedictine monks had.

Then there's all the stuff I'm reading for school...Plato, Aristotle, Sophocles, Aristophanes, Herodotus, Thucydides. I'm learning a bit from those guys too.
Then there's all these people around me who teach me something in every interaction with them.

good stuff is happening here.

Ah....it is that time again. I have once again been checking my blog almost daily to see if I have updated, but I'm always saddened to see that I haven't...so today is the today. Or more accurately: tonight is the night.

But, the only problem is that I have no idea what to write about. Here goes:

I have been listening to a ton of Mumford & Sons lately. (go listen to "Awake My Soul" if you've never heard them). Music is a big part of my life, and often I remember times in my life by remembering what I listened to during that time. And, after I went through my disgust with "Christian" music phase, I pretty much just chose to listen to secular music. Quickly, I stumbled upon Sufjan Stevens, and I realized there is quality music with lyrics that points toward something higher. And, I still like Sufjan, but this summer I started listening to Mumford. Not only is their music folksy and passionate, but the lyrics are just breathtaking. Unlike "worship" music often played in Protestant churches, Mumford portray emotions that are much deeper, and perhaps more real than the emotions portrayed by worship songs. Questioning of God and humanity and injustice...maybe a less polite kind of worship, and yet a more honest kind of worship.

I've been feeling a wide array of emotions lately, and I usually try to pretend that emotions don't mean much to me, but I learning to see the importance of them.
I'm excited about the future. About things like backpacking this weekend, and thanksgiving break with new friends, but also about things MUCH further in the future...ahh, there's just so much life to be had!
I'm also nervous and frightened for the future. Nervous about...well, everything. But, then I remember that everything is going to work out as it should. I'm not worried, I just get these anxious butterflies in my belly that make me kind of excited and nervous at once!
I am feeling so much gratitude for what I have had this entire year: the people surrounding me and the place I have been so graciously allowed to live for a year of my life
I am scared to leave this place and the people I have grown to love over the past 11 months. A new place is nerve-wrecking for me. But, hey, I know when I am uncomfortable, there is room for growth.

My faith is being restored after quite some time of questioning and struggling.

and it's good.

belief

I read a short story this morning, and in the end, my face was sopping with tears. The story wasn't sad or anything, but this story understands me. It is as if the author is writing completely about me, and it scared me that someone could know me better than I know myself.
(The short story is titled The Garbage Man's Daughter by David James Duncan)

I choose to believe in mystery and fantasy because the world is dying and broken, and even if there is no magic powerful enough to save it, life is better--well, life is possible--if I choose to believe in something that may not be true. [this is something that has taken a lot of pain to finally decide. for a while there, i didn't believe anything because, to me, there was no rational and logical argument for any truth]

Hope, for me, is in Christianity, and the story of redemption that will bring shalom (wholeness) to the broken world. But, I also maintain this other hope--almost a kind of silliness--that I know is not true, it is an innocent and naive hope that there is some mystery, some secret, some magic that is powerful and good enough to save the world. All along, I know that Christianity may not be truth, that this naive hope may not be reasonable, but of all things I could believe to be the truth, of all that I could base my life upon, this faith is going to bring out the best in a life and the lives of others.

So, I've adopted this Pragmatism:
"What do you think of yourself? What do you thing of the world? . . . These are questions with which all must deal as it seems good to them. They are riddles of the Sphinx, and in some way or other we must deal with them. . . . In all important transactions of life we have to take a leap in the dark. . . . If we decide to leave the riddles unanswered, that is a choice; if we waver in our answer, that, too, is a choice: but whatever choice we make, we make it at our peril. If a man chooses to turn his back altogether on God and the future, no one can prevent him; no one can show beyond reasonable doubt that he is mistaken. If a man thinks otherwise and acts as he thinks, I do not see that any one can prove that he is mistaken. Each must act as he thinks best; and if he is wrong, so much the worse for him. We stand on a a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we stand still we shall be frozen to death. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? 'Be strong and of good courage.' Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes. . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better."

(Fitzjames Stephen, quoted by William James in "The Will to Believe" (1896). . . in my book Pragmatism, a reader by Louis Menand)

And after reading through that quote again, I wish there were some way to determine the truth, to say that there is a bounded truth, and that you can tell that some do not know it and some do. But, at this point in my thought, there just doesn't appear to be such a thing. So, I'll keep reading Plato and Herodotus...but I'll also keep studying the bible.

Here's what is going on in my mind today:

I can't stop thinking about petty, silly relationship qualms and it is pissing me off because there are so many grander things to think about.

Blessed Is This Life

So, I just wrote that last entry, and it was whatever. Then, I read a previous entry, and I wondered why I don't really write like I used to several months ago. So, I will tell of recent adventures that I have enjoyed.

So, this weekend, 40 other college students joined our community of about 40. They were off to hike half dome to watch the sun rise (remember the blog I wrote about that a year ago faithful blog-readers?!?). The 40 people who came up were a strange collection of people I had met my first semester at APU, last semester at High Sierra, this summer at camp, people I didn't know, and they were all mixing with the people I am just now getting to know at High Sierra this time around. Basically, it was a collision of the four communities I have been a part of in the past year. And, before they came, I was scared out of my mind of the effect this collision would have on my emotions. But then they all got here, and I was just so stinkin' happy to see everyone. It didn't even matter what I knew them from or when I knew them or what I was like when I knew them. Tears were threatening me the entire night.

And that night, after the 40 visitors had left this little place, I laid in bed wide awake for a few hours. My mind was racing. I was just so happy. I realized how blessed I have been to get to know so many fantastic people in such a short amount of time. It has been kind of draining to be switching communities every 4 months or so, but now I am seeing the benefit of it all.

sheesh. tonight, I am so stinkin grateful.

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Anyway...the adventure! After a lengthy preparation, 2 new friends and a bit of an older friend and I headed off to one of my favorite places (i've written about it before...I called it washer-dryer). We biked a couple miles down the road, stashed the bikes in the trees, and hiked up a creek. We stopped at some lovely spots, and jumped in the pools for a little swimmy swim. There's this place with a bunch of little pools in the rocks where you can jump in. It reminds of that middle land in The Magician's Nephew where they jump into the pools to get to different places. I kept hoping to jump into Narnia. We kept on hiking up and up. And then...the big kahuna. There is this glorious 40-ish foot natural slide. yes please! So, my buddy jumps in the pool at the bottom of the slide to make sure we're going to have a good time and not wap (the technical term) our heads on some rock or something. Of course the boys go first. Then, I am convinced. I climb up the rocks...and I always get nervous before I jump in the water for no reason. So, I get all nervous and stuff, and then slide into the water, and fly down this rock into the cold yet wonderful pool below. Ahhhh. wooooohoooo! Such a thrill. Take a jump off a rock into the water and head back home (biking right before dinner...the sun is perfect. felt too good) for some dinner with good company.

As I was walking with a friend from camp after dinner, she reached down to hold my hand, and at that moment I realized how precious that friendship and every friendship from this summer is to me.

May I never take anyone for granted. May I recognize how blessed this life is and celebrate being alive. May I see how precious each person and relationship is and live accordingly.

I'm thinking about the future.
this is odd for me.

but it's a good thing...i'm smiling.
I'm excited for the future.
for new people.
for old friends that will be a part of my life later on.
for new adventures.
for sharing my favorite adventures with others.

i'm resting in the hope that God will work out all things perfectly.
and i know he will. that's the sweet thing.


oh. and don't you worry.
i have not forgotten my life now.
i love seeing the progress of new relationships.
no matter how slow they move sometimes.
i love new books and new ideas (at least new to me).
i'm enjoying relationships that are changing and growing.

and right now...i am enjoying some willy fitz and Good Earth tea,
while thinking about the Odyssey


this positivity is new for me. i don't know where it came from. i like it though.

and once again something good ends too soon (or it just took me much too long to appreciate it).

and now something new begins. and this time I hope and focus on appreciating the good from the start. may I embrace the goodness in the people around me before it ends.

may this be a season of taking worthwhile risks I have never taken before. may I do the things I am most afraid of.

may I take what I have learned and share it with others and live it out, yet still be willing and eager to learn all that I can from the people entering my life.

at this point, I can't at all summarize this summer. the combination of an emotional final night and it being 1:30 in the morning makes for far too emotional and unclear thoughts.

I can't believe a year has gone by since my last birthday. I feel like I can remember each day of the past year vividly because every day was so good. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this past year has been the best one yet in these 19 years.

I went on 2 great backpack trips this week with some really incredible kids. I went rock climbing with the coolest 6th grade girls ever and drank some Martinellis at a beautiful lake looking at the mountains. Then I climbed to the top of a mountain and ate a tasty pineapple with some of the quirkiest 8th grade boys ever. I can't ignore the beauty of this place. The wildflowers are out now. The meadows that are tucked away in the trees are breathtaking sights of color and light.

After dinner tonight, my friend and I drove into town about an hour away. At Borders, I found a HUGE Dinosaur book for only 20 bucks. Huge--like a coffee table book bigger than a coffee table. It is so cool. And tomorrow, I am going to wake up when I feel like it, drink a cup of tea, then go to a meadow filled with wildflowers and read my book about St. Francis of Assisi, pick some flowers and put them in my house, then I am going to run to some water and swim around for a bit, nap on the rocks, and run back to camp.

I wish everyone I love could come join me on my small birthday adventure tomorrow. But, all those I love are part of me, I guess...and essentially will be part of every birthday of mine.
How 'bout we make a deal? If you see a meadow, will you stop what you are doing and run around in it and spin in circles for a bit for me? So...you'll be five minutes late for work. or you'll get your shoes wet. good. smile and enjoy some little things in life.

While I have a pretty sweet job that I think I have written about a bit... I also have some sweet little adventures on the days I'm not working. I love having those 34 or 36 hours to plan the perfect day. Usually, a good day-off would involve getting away from camp, being outside, having good company (but not too much company), eating free or cheap food that is still tasty, doing something that tires me out enough that I sleep well, but also having plenty of energy to survive during the week.

Example: Yesterday, I got off around 4-ish. And it is really stinkin' hot...so I go for a quick little swim in the lake and have some lovely conversation with the company, eat some homemade ice cream, take a quick little nap, get dinner ready for everyone, play some crazy hat bingo and then plan on going to bed. But...no, it is only 10:30 pm and we are still young, so hey, let's walk down to the lake and swim some more. Back by midnight. Time for bed.

Woke up today. There's this road called Beasore (Bay-shore) that is basically the entrance to the back country. It is a windy, up-hill, mountain road. About 15 miles up this road, there is a place called the Jones Store. It is a small community, and they have a little store with all the necessities...Food (Homemade pie!!), Beer, and Soda. So, a few friends and I loaded our bikes into the back of a truck and drove up to the Jones Store. We all had a coke and talked with Mr. Jones while his wife baked some pies. We used the outhouse, then hopped on our bikes and headed downhill back to Bass Lake. We FLEW downhill. flew. I wasn't sure I knew how to fly...but I do. I found myself laughing and screaming with joy nearly the whole way down. So I met the other 3 at the bottom...but while this ride was thrilling and joy-inducing...we didn't really work at all. So, we decided to bike the 13 miles around the lake to finish out the adventure. Came back and laid down on a little hill. ahhhh. time to relax.

Example 2: My last day off, a couple of friends and I hiked up this place called washer-dryer. It is part of the river where there are lots of rocks and water. We found a lovely place where there was a little rock slide and whirlpool and we could play around in the water, then take a nap on the rocks and read a bit.

AND, today I have decided I never want to take a day-off for granted. There are way too many adventures to be had, places to go, people to meet, and people to enjoy life with to take a day for granted. It is a pleasure to work hard everyday (especially in a job like this), and then celebrate life a little bit on a day-off.

So, the summer is halfway through. Time to re-think and re-evaluate the rest of it. Let's begin with a quick dip in the lake!

I never know exactly what to write here. Or whether or not I should write. or if anyone actually cares or reads. But, I do like to write...and let people far away feel like they can share a bit in my life. My life...it's a blast right now.

For instance, there is this great game we play at camp. All the girls hop on some buses and drive up to other camp property in the mountains where I could envision myself living someday. It is a load of property with this lovely, slightly beaten up, yet quaint cabin in the mountains. And all the girl staff dresses up like the Uzamahti tribe and convinces the campers that they need to play this giant game of capture the flag in order to become part of the tribe. And then we spend the day running through rivers and trees and wrestling in mud pits and chasing people and running from people. It is just fantastic. Then all these lovely ladies now covered in war paint and mud jump in the river together before a tasty meal of hobo stew for dinner. And that was just this afternoon and evening!

I'm getting to know the campers and staff...and I'm liking them a little more everyday.

And I know every day is a good one, because when I finally get in bed (whether or not it is actually a bed...usually it's just a sleeping bag), I take a deep breath, smile, and fall asleep within seconds.

my life is very busy...
but my life is so fun.
I live in Narnia.
I am encouraged to play like a child everyday.
I am surrounded by a community of people who have so much to teach me.
I get to play outside all the time!

well, hello there.

I have been in the backcountry for the past few days, and now that I am back in civilization, I am reasearching all the fantastic shrubs, flowers, and trees I saw out there! My goal is to be able to recognize for of California's native plants by the end of the summer.

So...I thought I would share a little tidbit with you.

Manzanita shrubs or trees are known by their reddish, smooth bark and stiff, twisting branches. I think the leaves are beautiful and If you find a branch and keep it as a treasure, the leaves change colors and it is a nice little house ornament to have a bundle of dried Manzanita branches because of the varying color of leaves. BUT...here's what I just learned today that I think is great: "Traditional uses of the plant include collecting the berries, drying them, and grinding them up into a coarse meal. Fresh berries and branch tips were also soaked in water and drunk, making a refreshing cider. When the bark curls off, it can be used as a tea for nausea and upset stomach. The younger leaves are sometimes plucked and chewed by hikers to deter thirst. Native Americans used Manzanita leaves as toothbrushes."

so there you go.

Hello friends,

My thoughts and therefore, my words, feel so jumbled and unorganized tonight (meaning this is going to be a wordy post). But, I need to write it out in order to clarify for myself, so here goes...

I had a bit of a revelation today. well, that's a bit dramatic, but I had a moving thought today. After going to the eye doctor to find out that my eyes are the best they have been my entire life (yes! I finally can see...phew!), I went canoeing with my family on the Fox River (the water source for the water we drink at my house in Illinois), followed by a walk to the creek with my well-missed and dearly loved dog, Spirit, and maybe the best Mediterranean dinner I've ever eaten at Naf Naf, I realized how much I just wanted to be alone. ahhhhh...time alone. While the rest of Chicago was watching the Blackhawks game, I had a cup of coffee, read my books, and THEN (this is the rather non-climactic climax...hence the upper case letters in 'then'), I watched a movie. Like I said...rather non-climactic.

"No Impact Man: The Documentary."
Just go watch the trailer or something. Oh! better, I'll post it right here!
I realized my never-ending desire to simplify my living, to leave less of a bad impact on the earth and do more to restore it and care for it in a more wholesome manner is not (or may not be) just a hippie fetish in search for a connectedness of all things. (That may be part of it...not the 'hippie fetish' part, but the 'connectedness of all things' part)

My whole life I have never excelled in one thing. I've always been mediocre at everything. School, sports, music, art, writing....even my passions have never been focused on anything in particular. So, somehow I landed at APU...don't know how or why...with a major in Global Studies and minors in Spanish and the Humanities. The problem is I have not been able to figure out what I'm passionate about exactly...and I do believe that is something one figures out eventually.

So, I watched this documentary and every few minutes tears would fill my eyes, and I'm thinking, "what the heck, this guy is just putting his garbage in a box of dirt and worms...why am I crying?" But...I don't know...it's Adventure Studies and AP Environmental Science in high school and summer camp and digging under rocks for worms and Huckleberry Finn that affected my thoughts. It's things like people putting care into their actions to see not only how they affect this beautiful planet we are a part of and commune with, but also how these actions affect every other human on this planet now and the future. It seems silly to me that what should be such a basic part of every life is a "passion" or mine.

My thoughts feel completely jumbled, and when I use a lot of ellipses, I know I am not writing clearly. I'm sorry that some label people like the no impact man a "hippie" or a "radical" in a negative way. And I know my opinion bears little weight and should probably continue to bear little weight, but I think these so-called "radicals" and "hippies" bring the world life, joy, and passion and I like them a bunch and perhaps will have such people as dear friends throughout my life.

Good night, you princes of Maine, you Kings of New England!

Please no WFR dreams. Please no High Sierra dreams.

I think I have said this every night before bed lately.

WFR dreams: Last week I took a Wilderness First Responder class in northern Wisconsin. I was immersed in the beautiful northwoods of Wisconsin near the small town of Boulder Junction. In the first lecture from my newly beloved teacher, Ann, I realized how little I knew about the human body. But, hey! with a little reading and learning, I was able to figure out a lot. Before when I would have guessed immediate death upon someone who had fallen from a big rock or vomited upon seeing blood gushing from a femur sticking out of someones skin, I now understand that the human body is fairly resilient. After a week of bloody simulations and the practicing of hundreds of spine-stable log rolls, puke-rolls, splinting, PAS-ing, I feel like I have a much better understand of the workings of the human body.

BUT, unfortunately every night last week, my dreams were filled with blood, guts, death, hypothermia, anaphylaxis, and whatever other crazy things my brain cooked up. So, my hope for now on is that I would have no more of these terrible dreams.

High Sierra dreams: Why is night the loneliest part of a day? Before falling asleep every night the week I got home from school, I would think about the fantastic life I enjoyed for the first few months of this year. And for some reason, it made me sad. So, I've been trying to figure out why such a great thing could make me so sad. And here's what I've discovered: High Sierra was perhaps the one time in my life I have felt completely comfortable being myself. Something about that place, the people, the hap-happenings...just made me feel so much like...well, me...if I could dare to say I know who "me" is.

I think I experienced what community is for the first time--something that was never created in family or school or church or friendships or any social situation I've ever been in. And I liked it a lot. AND, the sadness I think comes from thinking or believing that maybe I won't ever have something like that again. But, I now see that that is ridiculous. I am so incredibly glad that these past 5 months have been part of my life...but now I am excited about what comes next and what is to come from now on (however long that will be). I will not forget the friendships, the learning, the teachers (in form of author, professor, friend, mountain, or random folk), the laughter (and there was a lot), the many accents, or anything else that pops into my mind daily that brings back these dear memories.

BUT...no more sadness, no more sad dreams.

by the by, on my way home from Wiscaaansin, I met my broski at an Imogen Heap concert. She was...I can't think of an appropriate word, dang it...crazy, I guess. Her gestures and dancing were just so silly...so HER! But her music and the whole performance was very ethereal. It made me want to sit in an aquarium in front of the jellyfish exhibit for hours on end.

So, I've been back in Illinois for a week now. And it's been, well....dreary. But, I've still been able to do the things I love.
I hung out in the city with my broski in hipster Wicker Park, visiting one of my favorite bookstores and vegetarian restaurants. Did some rock climbing (in a gym of course...there are no real rocks here), went swing dancing and did the Charleston all night long. AND...I only spent 12 dollars the whole day. rock climbing and swing dancing...$12 plus free good company!
And because today is the first nice day, I have set up my slack line in the backyard and I've been listening to Jonsi as I read and slack line...not at the same time. That would be impressive: reading on the slack line.

Moving around so much leaves me confident that no matter where I am, not only do I have my forever constant companions of books and music (to play and listen to), but there are always people everywhere lonely and in need of a friend that I could be if I so choose.

Tomorrow I'm headed northward for a Wilderness First Responder class at the tip of Wisconsin. I'm excited to learn something I know nearly nothing about. This past week I've been learning from books and such, but it will be nice to have a teacher around to help me out and answer my questions for a little while. I'll spend the next 9 days there, then I'll be back in the midwest for one more week before I head back west!

Reading: "Mountaineering: the Freedom of the Hills" and Huston Smith's "The World's Religions" (excellent book. if religion, philosophy and theology interest you...as they should considering you are human...you should give this book a try)
Listening to: Jonsi "Around Us"

My roommates and I. Mountain Women? (taken by a new friend, Brian Zaro)

wow. the past 4 months have been incredible. it may not be a stretch to say they have been the best 4 months of my life.

tomorrow back to southern california.

friday back to chicago.

I've been thinking about what these past few months have meant to me quite a bit lately as there are only 12 days left in the semester. (Actually I should have been thinking about final paper topics instead) I am so pleased with the friendships that have begun this semester. There are a couple people I can't imagine not being friends with the rest of my life. Then there are the people I have liked being with this semester and we have connected in some way or another, but I will probably never be good friends with them. Then there are the people who I didn't really connect with, but may in the future...put probably not. And lastly, there are the people I connected with at the beginning of the semester thinking we would be good friends, and yet our friendship is more or less meaningless now...and that makes me sad, but so is life, I guess...

One thing I've noticed from this semester is the lack of meaningful, deep conversations I have taken part in. Other people keep saying that meaningful conversations have been an important part of the past few months, but I don't feel that way at all. Luckily, I think I understand why. Nearly all of my beliefs I have ever held have been destroyed, challenged, and questioned. Some have been rebuilt time and again, but I am almost afraid to formulate opinions because of the possibility that they could be completely ruined once again. And that makes me seem really cowardly...but I guess that is more or less what has been stopping me. My contribution to class discussion has been nearly non-existent, and my ability to formulate opinions and passionate arguments has been...stunted, I guess.

There is so much going on in my mind and so much questioning and doubting, there hasn't been nearly enough time for the formulation of opinion regarding all that is being questioned. Then again, I feel like I haven't connected with the people well enough that I could have meaningful conversations with...and again, that makes me quite sad.

snow and God and dancing and life

Time is going by much too fast.

I don't want this to end. this semester.


It's too scary...too sad... to imagine life without these people in it.

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Yesterday, only a few of us didn't go out to dinner. Three of us made leftovers together and drank root beers. It was pouring rain. Everyone was gone. It was me, Mo, and Joey. Mo plugged her ipod into the speakers, and the two of us started dancing around the dining hall. Then Joey opened the windows, and the three of us moved our dance party into the pouring rain. I fell in the mud, and was dripping wet and covered in mud. And we felt free. and we felt alive. and we were happy.
The music:
K'naan - In the beginning
Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
Jonsi - Go do, Animal Arithmetic
Karen O & the Kids - All is Love

Then we walked inside and sat down and finished doing our homework. Then the power went out for the rest of the night because that's what happens when it rains and snows here. Oh yea...there is snow...it dumped on us today. it's magically beautiful...but it's April for goodness sake.

This afternoon we an "epic multi-faceted event" called Battle of the Sexes. I ran and jumped in the river and won the event (yes...snow on the ground, and I jumped in the river)! It was silly, good fun with great people. Then we went to Rite-Aid and got ice cream...perhaps the best ice cream around. Then we sat around with two of our profs and asked questions about faith and philosophy. And they made me believe in God and Jesus more than I have the entire semester. If men as wise as them have their own reasons for being Christians after reading all these people who prove it meaningless...maybe it's possible that it is true.
(Church has been terrible lately as my mind has been bombarded with Nietzsche, Hume, and now Pragmatism...but this little chat helped a lot)

And there is just something in my soul that tells me the connectedness of everything, the flow of life, the tradition and history of Faith, the "circles" you could say that create all that is can't be nothing. There must be a center to it all...and that's one thing I feel like I don't have to try to coerce myself into believing. Yeah, and maybe that's not based on reason....but, I guess I've come to realize that there are things beyond reason, and faith in God may be one of those things.

p.s. Jonsi's album "Go" is so stinking happy. and I like it a whole lot. Right now I am listening to "Boy Lilikoi" and thinking about Plenty-Coups and the Crows.

Quite an eventful spring break thus far.

It is weird to think I am in Pacific Grove, California with a bunch of people I didn't even know a couple months ago, and when I met I never would have guessed I would be sleeping in their homes and hanging out with their families. But, don't get me wrong, it is good.

Eleven of us were backpacking for a few days in Big Sur, which made me wish I had read Kerouac's "Big Sur". It was really beautiful, with incredible views of huge rolling hills, the occasional whiff of the ocean, gorgeous wildflowers, and enormous redwoods. Good company and a good place to be made it a memorable trip. (not to mention me jumping out of my hammock in the night...that's a story for another time)

Since then, life has been chill (as it should be, I guess). Hmm, I've been bouldering, disc golfing, ocean-watching, aquarium-visiting, reading, and enjoying being in homes.

Oh. I am reading Emerson for philosophy class...I'm excited.

Ah....a week off of school... :)

Off to the glorious Monterey, California (anywhere without classes would probably be glorious right now) for a week of backpacking, playing outside, reading, and enjoying the good company.

be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

So, I spent this weekend in San Francisco, and I thought I might have something to write about it if I sat down and tried. I know very little about San Francisco, but we were going for an my Aesthetics class to go to some churches and art museums.

Friday, I visited Mission Delores and the Basilica. All the churches we visited were undeniably grand and the art was awe-inspiring, no doubt. But...honestly, I couldn't help being a bit pessimistic seeing that so much of the church's money was spent on these buildings rather than the fairly large population of homeless just blocks away. It was a bit sickening to me. We went to afternoon mass at St. Marys and the Legion of Honor (an art museum). This is the first time I loved an art museum...being able to recognized artists, paintings, the style, and what was going on in politics, history, philosophy, and the church at the time was really wonderful.

That night after walking around the city, taking much too long of a nap with a couple friends, eating dinner at a diner at a time much to late for dinner, a few of us were sitting in Union Square, "shooting the shit" as one might say, when Steve walks up. "It's my birthday and I'm the joke man," he says to us. He offers to tell us jokes, and we tell him we'd like to hear them. He warns us his jokes are racist and dirty because clean jokes are too difficult for him to think of, but he tries to clean them up a bit for us. After laughing with him for quite some time, we expect what is about to come. "Okay, I'm gonna beg now. Do you have anything for me?" We told him we couldn't give him anything, but we continued to walk with him and spent another hour or two with him, and shared a meal with him. We shared jokes with one another. It was getting late, and we all needed to get to bed, so a friend asked him if we could pray over him before we parted ways. Steve told us about the power of prayer and how it had protected him. After two of us prayed, Steve told the other couple of us that we needed to pray for him too. He wanted more.

If you didn't know, San Francisco has taken all the poor and homeless of the city and confined them to a few city blocks, the Tenderloin. Steve told us, "it is bad down there. evil, really. stay up top, don't go down there." The city says they have controlled the problem of homelessness, but really they have just put what we usually see as the grunge of society into a pit where the rest of society can live unaware of their presence if they choose.

We left Steve after he thanked us, told us a few more jokes (he really was hilarious...even in his drunker stupor), and thanked us some more. "You know, when I came up to you guys, I was just hoping to get something from you guys, but you know I really like you guys," he said, and we told him we liked him too and thanked him for joking around with us.

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Yesterday, I visited Grace cathedral, the SFMoMA, worked with some socially-awkward yet incredibly sweet nuns at a soup kitchen, and had a fun time on the cable cars and trying to make all the street musicians happy by dancing and enjoying the music they were making. Oh...my teacher, Tom, made sure to take all of us students down a street where a man has taken up residence who used to be an opera singer. Well, he still is an opera singer, but he used to get paid for it. We gathered around him (like 40 of us), he put a CD in the player, and he walked back in the alley where the sound of his voice would be filled, told us that we were free to do interpretive dance, and then gave a beautiful performance filled with the joy of still doing what he loves yet the sorrow of not being on the stage any longer. Anyone could tell his voice had become a little worn out in the years without practice, and his body a little larger without proper nutrition, but his love for what he does well was more important than that, and we all left thankful for him and for the beauty of a passionate man.

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Today, I woke up early and walked around the city before any commotion began, then found a nice coffee shop to do some homework in before everyone else got up for breakfast (I felt like quite the hipster reading Nietzsche in an organic coffee shop in san fran...oh well). Then we ended our trip at the de Young museum. I ended up being by myself the entire time I was there...which was actually nice. I could go at my own pace, lingering in the tribal art sections and just glancing briefly at all those darn John Singleton Copley's. I spent most of my time in an Alaskan tribal art section and the African art. I was just in awe of how old the art was...1200 B.C is so long ago. And it is so beautiful to me that they made their own necessary, daily tools (like knives, storage containers, combs...everything) but also that they made them beautiful and unique. I know what it feels like to make my own cup or plate with my own hands, putting a part of me into it and then using it. It's a good feeling, and a beautiful art form.

Now I am back in the trees and the mountains and feeling at home here.

I've been checking my blog everyday to see if I've updated it. It's been getting a little depressing, so I thought it would be time for a new post.

Well here are a few things I have been working on today:

A walking stick (for all my walking needs)

with the perfect little notch that makes my thumb feel like it has always belonged there

and it's the perfect height to hold me upright.

A book of art and photos to remember this time by

'

And reading these fantastic books by people who have challenged society with their ideas and words.

So far, it's been a good day filled with good conversation, good people, good work, and good music. Listening to Joe Purdy "Wash Away" currently.

adventure

Hey! I've got some adventures to tell you about! (mostly because I don't have much else to write about)

First of all, no classes on Fridays or Mondays gives me plenty of time for adventuring when I''m not reading what seems like hundreds of books or banging my head against the wall because I have no idea what I believe. So, between classes on Thursday, my roommates and I went on a little mountain biking excursion just to find lots of trees fallen over on the trail and a splattering of pine needles that made the wheels just spin and spin so we couldn't get very far. We all had a good fall...with battle wounds to show. The downhill ending was splendid. So exhilarating.

Yesterday, after chapel, one of my professors, and about 5 of us students cleared the trail of fallen trees. Chain saw, axe, rolling trees, knocking trees down...all good...and good for the earth too, I promise. Then after lunch, instead of taking that trail mountain biking, the prof and maybe 7 of us students decided to drive up maybe a thousand feet and take a trail from there back to camp. After driving through snow, we realized the trail we would be riding on would be more or less covered with snow...but we went anyway. So, we ended up kind of walking our bikes several miles through the snow, and trying to ride whenever we had 20 feet of dirt. At least we could all that at the absurdity of it all. BUT...once again, we had a thrilling downhill ending to the ride. (and more battle wounds to show!)


Ok...so those sound kind of lame now...but they were fun...

today was a fantastic day...and I felt like writing why.

First, I woke up at my usual time...6 am. I love getting up early here, well I love getting up early all the time, but it is especially nice here because most everyone sleeps in later than that, so I have some time alone in the quiet. BUT, today the sun was out, which is more exciting than you think because the sun hasn't been out in days (maybe even weeks...yea, let's go with weeks). So, I cleaned up the place a little (okay, a lot. art journals were due today, so a mess was made all through the night), ate some breakfast then practiced for chapel worship.

Ahh....then the infamous Dating Chapel by Tom, our art professor and "campus pastor"...it was whatever though (full of wisdom, though. a wise man of God, for sure)...I basically agreed with him. Had necessary conversations in the sun, on the roof with a friend. Then, ahaha...a climax of my day...a beautiful bike ride around the lake. I forgot how much I love to ride a bike. But, riding a bike in the mountains is oh so different from anything else. Uphill, downhill, trees, sky, mountains, water, the cold air blowing, warm sun...so freeing. Played some disc golf and ate dinner. Then, another important thing, I filled out an application to work as a backpack guide during the summer at the camp I live at right now (sorry if this is a surprise for family members...I can tell you more later, if you want) if my Summer Plan A falls through. Basically, I would just do what makes me feel most alive all summer long! We'll see...

Then, we played a game in the dark. It was called something or another. Fugitive? maybe. Anyway, I chased people through the forest, trying to tag them with my flashlight. I got scraped up on my knees--I love when that happens. I feel like a little kid again.

So now you know just about everything I did today. I bet that's exactly what you wanted to hear. sorry...I just needed to tell someone how wonderful of a day it was.
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I always get this feeling after a month or so of knowing people. It is a terrible feeling. For the first month, usually people start to like me and want to know me...but then I get so nervous around this time that I just get boring and no one will like me anymore. They will either get bored or annoyed with me...at least that's how I feel. Meh... doesn't feel to good. Not too bad either though. I can deal.


My blogs have been sub par lately. I have a plan to make them better.

Since lately I cannot think of what to write, I will start writing various things about myself, my current life, or things I am thinking that people reading this may or may not be interested in. So, here goes.

Something not so interesting to me...My life right now includes a class called Plenary. The word, plenary, is somehow connected to the word "fullness". This word is sometimes heard at conferences and such to describe something that everyone must attend. At school, every student must attend it (every student being all 36 of us). Its purpose is to connect what I am learning in all my classes, teaching a "Christian perspective of truth and life"....meh, this explanation sucks. I am taking a bunch of Humanities courses (which I might explain as classes that delve into the question of what it means to be human). The goal of all this, this type of learning, is to make me a seeker of truth in order to honor God in order to make me a better lover of wisdom, of God.

(my roommate, Michelle, just told me to write about her because she says, "I'm interesting. I mean, I freakin' live with you, people should know about me. Tell them I'm folding my laundry". So interesting...folding laundry.)

Something n my mind the past 2 days: Do I agree with protestant doctrine? Catholic doctrine is looking much more like truth to me than the doctrine I have grown up believing without ever doubting. Do we have free will (Catholicism) or is all the work in salvation done by God (protestantism--no free will/predestination)? If the idea of God is innate (as Descartes proved), then Aquinas' idea of God being revealed through reason (which happens within) seems much more believable than Luther's argument the God's will is exclusively revealed in the bible (something external). Okay, this is starting to look more like the paper I need to write for tomorrow than a blog. sorry. (by the way, all that stuff just written is just a thought process...not my actual beliefs or even an accurate understanding of those philosophies/theologies).
I guess I am thinking how easily I jumped into believing all that the church told me without any reasoning/questioning behind it. I just think how much stronger my argument for believing in God would be if I had first doubted if there was a God, doubted that phrase "personal relationship". ahhh, I need to stop this now... stopping. now.

a terrible post with a terrible title.

meh...I feel like I should write something...but I don't really have words to explain anything right now. If I did write, it would probably end up being very much like a history of the past week of my life...and you don't want to hear this: I went backpacking. in the snow. in Yosemite. it was good.

so maybe I'll come up with something better later.

oh, I do have something to write about, but now I have to read and read and read and write before tomorrow. and eat breakfast.

this was a terrible post.

I guess it's about time for a little update especially since I am pretty much horrible at keeping in touch with people who aren't around me. I like to make the excuse that I am focusing all I am right here, right now. But that only goes so far.

So, I have never been so content in a place as I am here. Not content in a bad way, but content in a way that allows me to grow in many ways. At this point in my life, my purpose is to be learning (and I am starting to be okay with not doing) but this environment is just so perfect for doing just that. ugh...I wish I could explain what I mean. hmm.

For instance, I woke up nice and early this morning and enjoyed a cup of coffee while watching the lovely snow fall and thinking through all the things I had read the day before that needed to be remembered today. I went to class all morning (which involved learning about greatness, beauty, art, and drawing my face), ate lunch, went to class all afternoon (history/philosophy. subject matter: are there universals or just particulars?), got a cup of tea, read a book, talked about that book and all that I learned in class with a few friends, ate dinner with my professors and friends to try to better understand all that I learned today, played in the snow, put on a gorilla costume, worked on some art, played some guitar, read a bit more, and now I am writing this. (Actually I probably did 20 or 30 more things than that but...)

Now, I don't think you care to know all I do in a day, but I don't know how else to explain how intentional (that's not the word I want to use) this environment is for learning. I mean there are probably about 50 people in my life right now (35 students, 5 teachers, and a handful more who I see daily). I eat every meal with them, live with them, learn with/from them, play with them...this makes social life very easy and comfortable for an introvert.

This is good because my role in...you could say...the fullness of the world or even the body of Christ is to be seeking the truth, at least for now. I am becoming a better lover of wisdom, a better lover of God, and in the end, a better lover of people.

And while I do all that, I can make some great friends (as these people I have only known for a week are already becoming), laugh more than I ever have in my life, and be in the most beautiful place I have ever lived.

Ahhh, this week has been so busy. I moved in to my new home on Monday, left to spend 3 days in Yosemite, and came back to camp (my new home) to get ready for the semester. And I am just taking a deep breath and reflecting before this next week, which is going to be even busier than this one. oh, and I should mention: even though this has been a busy week, and maybe even because it has been such a busy week, there are just too many good things to tell you about. And while I'm not any sort of photographer, I thought I could share a couple photos with you.