These past 15 years of schooling have taught me to do one thing very well: to obey and to be afraid to disobey.

I write papers in which every paragraph is outlined for me, and I want nothing more than to choose one thing from that paper and write a book about that one thing. Rather I have to cover dozens upon dozens of subjects and I must only use a certain amount of pages and only a certain author and I must be done by tomorrow at 5 pm and blahbidy blahbidy blah.

obedience. and I continue to obey. . . for fear of bad grades? what are grades but one man or woman's judgment of my ideas? No. They are not judging my ideas. They are judging how well I can repeat their own personal ideas and beliefs in my own words.

I don't want to do this anymore. obey. learn things I have heard thousands of times when there are so many things I don't know. Do exactly what they tell me f0r the purpose of pleasing them.

It is tiring. It is making me lifeless. thoughtless. It makes me feel weak that I cannot replicate what they want me to. "I have other ideas, I swear. Good thoughts, too. I just am not capable of replicating what you want because I am not you. I am not you. I do not share the same beliefs as you.. I do not share the same experiences. We have read different books and met different people."

The university is creating so many docile, obedient young men and women.

from clouds to cactus

So, I'm back in civilization after an entire year in a small secluded community in the Sierra. I went from a community of about 40 friends to about 5,200 people (mostly strangers). And I am so overwhelmed.

Problem 1: I cannot focus on anything because there is so much going on all the time. If I am having a conversation with someone, countless people walk by and interrupt the conversation, so every conversation feels disjointed. There is so much sensual stimulation. So much to look at and hear, and it makes me unfocused. Even my mind seems to be moving 10 times faster than usual. I try so hard to think of only one thing at a time, but so many other things pop up in my mind.

Problem 2: I am at a Protestant Christian school, and I'm not all that sure how I feel about Protestant Christianity right now. I just have so many questions that going to chapel 3 times a week and attending bible classes 5 days a week turns my mind into a substance similar to cottage cheese. I dropped a bible class today and replaced it with world geography. Being in a room full of Christians raising their hands in worship and offering affirmative grunts during prayer makes me more uncomfortable than I've been in a long time. I stay after classes to talk with professors about my questions. I talk to my friends. I read lots and lots. I take time alone to think. and I just get more and more confused.

Problem 3: For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no desire to go to class or do homework. Usually I am excited to learn more, but not now. I am excited about one class. The teacher is a wonderfully radical feminist and I am completely enchanted by her. I hope we become friends...but other than that class, the rest all feel kind of ridiculous.

But...there are some great things going on too:

1. I live in an apartment with 2 other girls. We go shopping at George's and buy cheap, tasty produce and grains. And we eat dinner together and have people over for dinner. And we drink lots of tea. And there is lots of art on the walls and little, shimmery Christmas lights. And we struggle with being human together, and we laugh together. we laugh almost as much as we drink tea. and we are a long walk from campus, which is just perfect.

2. The foothills look so pretty. It is almost 80 degrees and sunny, and I wear a tank top during the day, and it feels so lovely. The foothills are green and I feel like they are surrounding me and protecting me here. I kind of feel like they are giving me a big, happy hug every morning. And the tip of the mountains are dusted in snow at the tops, and they look mystical.

3. I have on a new homemade beanie, and it is keeping my head warm. The window is open and a nice breeze is blowing in. The sky is clear, and the moon and Venus are watching over me. Sigur Ros is playing in the background. And my tummy is happy from a tasty lentil soup and red tea. and no matter how bitter and confused I am, I am still incredibly happy to be alive. What a blessing it is to be alive, to be able to feel something, to feel love, to feel discomfort, to believe and disbelieve.

4. My friends challenge me a lot. Friends near and friends far. About reality, about truth, about God, about humans, about animals, about sex, about gender, about good, and evil and money and happiness and ... everything really.

5. I'm going on top of a mountain on Saturday. Yessssss!

I have thought for a long time now that if, some day, the increasing efficiency for the technique of destruction finally causes our species to disappear from the earth, it will not be cruelty that will be responsible for our extinction and still less, of course, the indignation that cruelty awakens and the reprisals and vengeance that it brings upon itself . . . but the docility, the lack of responsibility of the modern man, his base subservient acceptance of every common decree. The horrors that we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men.

George Bernanos, French novelist and journalist and man