earth and not eating its inhabitants

You might not want to read this. I was reading my environmental science book, and these are my thoughts.

When I became vegetarian a couple years ago, I was really only thinking about the animals. But, I have been learning a lot recently, and I am surprised by the environmental impact it could
have.
For one, if plants are consumed by animals, which are consumed by humans, twice as many plants are used than if humans just ate the plants. So, this saves a ton of energy throughout earth. (Obviously animals would still eat plants but there are considerable fewer animals if the animals are not farmed.)I'm not talking about one person not eating meat, but whole countries or groups of people. That would make an impact.

Also huge amounts of land are completely destroyed by cattle grazing. Land that has been set aside by the government for preservation can be used by farms for grazing. And these cows don't just eat a bit of grass...they eat every living thing in these areas. When they wear out the land, the farmers just move the cows to another area to destroy it. I don't want to starve the cows, but if we didn't make so many of them to eat, that wouldn't be a problem.

When I stopped eating fish a while back, I didn't realize the significance as much as I do now. Many species are overfished, big fish are becoming scarce, smaller fish are next, we throw away 30% of the fish we catch, and we needlessly kill sea mammals and birds.

So, these fishing boats are the size of a football field and then they throw their gigantic nets ( or trawl bag, or drift-net or aquaculture cage or hook line or cage) into the sea and whatever is in the net is then taken out of the water. The fishermen then throw all the bycatch (non-target species) back into the ocean which are all already dead or dying. In addition to wasting potential sources of food, this can deplete the populations of bycatch species that play important ecological roles in oceanic food webs.

This is difficult to explain fully on here. I'll stop. But if you are interested in making less of an impact on our planet, think about being vegetarian...Or don't.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

-Regina Spektor

Sometimes (unfortunately, not always) I fall in love with music that I play in band and orchestra. Music that is beautiful. Music that makes your soul feel different. Music that you can feel in your whole body. It is strange to play one piece of music every day. to love playing every note, to savor every chord. it is so good.
Then, performing it is such a fantastic experience. I don't know why. Being in a hall. To be in a room with a ton of people who all are feeling the same things at the same time because of the music.

There is this one song. It is called "O Magnum Mysterium", and it is about the birth of Jesus. We played it in the fall and performed it. Then we got to play it again at the Palmer Hose on Thursday. I felt so sad thinking about possibly never playing that piece again.

It made me think about how often I will get to play my flute with a band or orchestra again. What if I decided to play music as a career? What if I auditioned for major orchestras all over the world? What if I could play music everyday with other people who love it? haha. I have never seriously given that thought. hmmm.

---------------------------------------------------------------
So now that I mentioned playing at the Palmer House, I feel like talking about it more. Feel free not to listen.

Frankly, the band I play in is very talented. We were invited to play at the Midwest Band Conference. This means nothing to most of you. It is an honor to be invited. Many great composers would be there as well as musicians and music instructors from all over the world.

I spent the day with friends listening to other amazing bands play, meeting composers of music that I have played, but after all that, the only thing I wanted to do was make music. We ate some lunch together, and then we went to the room we were supposed to perform in.

It was heavenly. It was a huge ballroom, with ornate decorations and beautiful lights and chandeliers , and it seated 2500 people. yikes! So we warmed up for an hour, then people started to come. I think a little over 1000 of the seats were filled. It was a clinic called "The Art of Expressive Conducting: Conducting from the Inside Out". It was stunning. While playing, I would look up at the faces of people listening and watching. Their expressions mirrored how I was feeling. People came up to us afterward and asked if we could just play it all again... and I truly wanted to.

It was one of those memories where I will remember just being truly happy.

Redemptive Violence....what a myth.

I don't understand.
I don't understand how Christians can be okay with war, okay with killing, and desensitized to violence. How does it not hurt your soul? How do you not think about Egypt, the exodus?

Since Cain, essentially the beginning of humanity, evil has always taken the form of violence. More violence isn't going to solve anything.

War and Violence do not bring peace.

"Jesus was a Middle Eastern man who lived in an occupied country and was killed by the superpower of his day. The Roman Empire, which put Jesus on an execution stake, insisted that it was bringing peace to the world through its massive military mights, and anybody who didn't see it this way just might be put on a cross." (Rob Bell)

We have to resist ever using power in the form of violence against another human being...regardless of the consequences for your own security.

God says,

"Away with the noise of your songs!
I will not listen to the music of your harps.
But let justice roll on like a river,
righteousness like a never-falling stream!...

you who trample the needy and do away with the poor of the land,...

buying the poor with silver and the needy for a pair of sandals."

Amos 5:23; 8:4,6

I know a man who lives with his heart on his sleeve. And, for a while I saw that as a bad thing. But, now I see that it is something I don't do well enough. I don't let people know me, don't let them really understand me, but I want to now. And, I think I am getting better.

And I don't take the chances I want to. I don't do the small things I desire to do. I don't know why. But it is stupid that I don't. I should.

i could be less vague, but i don't feel like it.

interesting day today.

school. lock down for 5 hours. sat and slept. woke up once by cops to be searched. left as soon as possible. walked home. slept for 3 hours. back to school. sat for 3 hours and occasionally played some music.... and danced. went to bed.



p.s. i hate guns. no... i hate weapons.
p.s.2. i never sleep this much. i don't understand.

"We find ourselves faced with the important question how, and indeed why music should be interpreted in words at al....As long as my experience can be summed up in words, I write no music about it; my need to express myself musically-symphonically-begins at the point where the dark feeling hold sway, at the door which leads into the "other world"-the world in which things are no longer seperated by space and time."
Gustav Mahler

The word on the street is that every prophecy in the bible has been fulfilled, and that means that Jesus is coming back soon (I don't know what soon means, its just the word on the street). I don't know if this is truth, but it has made me think a bit.
First, it makes me really excited to be going home. Second, it gives me a sense of urgency and makes me think about all the useless things I am spending my life on. Third, it makes me sad that this world has become so distant from its creator. Fourth, I don't know why I keep numbering my thoughts. Fifth, there is no number five. Sixth, okay sorry, I'll stop.

So, I have no idea what "soon" means, and I honestly just don't care. I know that Jesus will come back sometime. Sometime is all I need to know.

Do any of you know a lot about the prophecies in the bible? Do you think they have all been fulfilled? Just wondering...

i'm not sure why i wrote this. i like music?

I am aware that this generation does not think very highly of classical music, and that is quite a shame...because a lot of it is incredible.

I have recently learned to love Mahler's second symphony. The first 4 movements, which take an hour and half to play, are an emotional roller coaster. Mahler is contemplating the meaning of his life and what happens at death. All this time, it seems like so much confusion. Then....oh ooh my...then, comes the fifth movement (which is a half hour long!) which starts with a huge blast of noise that can immediately be identified as judgement day. It builds up to the gates of hell bursting open...but then, a calm realization. some amount of hope is found. and this hope grows and grows until it seems like Mahler decided that you must die in order to live. There is a vocal solo near the end. I love the lyrics.

(translated from German)
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you My dust,
After a brief rest!
Immortal life! Immortal life
Will He who called you, give you.
To bloom again were you created!
The Lord of the harvest goes
And gathers in, like sheaves,
Us together, who die.
O believe, my heart, O believe:
Nothing to you is lost!
Yours is, yes yours, is what you desired
Yours, what you have loved
What you have fought for!
O believe,
You were not born for nothing!
Have not for nothing, lived, suffered!
What was created
Must perish,
What perished, rise again!
Cease from trembling!
Prepare yourself to live!
O Pain, You piercer of all things,
From you, I have been wrested!
O Death, You masterer of all things,
Now, are you conquered!
With wings which I have won for myself,
In love’s fierce striving,
I shall soar upwards
To the light which no eye has penetrated!
Its wing that I won is expanded,
and I fly up.

Die shall I in order to live.
Rise again, yes, rise again,
Will you, my heart, in an instant!
That for which you suffered,
To God will it lead you!

I get a free world map from Doctors Without Borders every month.

I have one on the wall in my bedroom. I have circled every place on the map where I have friends. I have also circled regions of major conflict (MYANMAR (Burma), Darfur, Iraq, Chile...etc). I marked every place where I hope to go someday.

I use this map and the "World Events" section of the newspaper to pray. On the top of the map, I wrote "Pray for Darfur Today" with a giant arrow running straight through Europe and the Sahara desert, pointing to Darfur. I hurt emotionally for them, but there is also a physical pain in my chest when I pray for the people there.

Lately, a lot of people at school have been getting information out about this genocide, and have been trying to raise money too. It frustrates me that so many Americans think that money can really change things so much. What are the people in Darfur going to do with money? What they need is their freedom, a home, a reason not to be frightened for their lives constantly, a release from the pain, some relief from the sand storms caused by our unsustainable environmental impact. Not money. They don't need distant pity. they need true care. a love that can be felt.

I can't stop reading Jane Austen books!

I wish she would have written more

Probably the most influential class I have taken yet is ending. I have been in an adventure education class for 2 semesters. The first semester, I learned to have a bit more confidence in myself. I learned that it is okay to be who I am, and that it is never okay to try to be anything else. After that semester, I was asked to take it again as the student leader. This semester, I have learned that it is good to laugh when I think something is funny and it is good to cry when something is sad. I have learned that first impressions mean nothing. You can learn to love anyone. I love when a group of people get so close, they feel like family. Watching shooting stars together, singing together, dealing with really difficult things, not showering for 4 days...together, laughing at things that only we will ever understand.
The outdoors will never go away, and I will backpack and rock climb for the rest of my life, but that close family feeling will definitely be missed.

how fall makes me feel

woooooyeaaahwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaoooooooooooo!

dancedancedance

a chipmunk was playing chicken today

i was on my bike

he was really bad at that game

i cried for a long time

he will be okay though. i hope.



i really am surprised about how upset i was. i felt so horrible. i hope i am never okay with hurting or killing even the smallest animals. crying is better than laughing or not feeling anything.

mud, hills, and smiles

I love hiking. and caving, and getting dirty...and then showering. ( Abe, I hope those 3 periods annoyed you)

I feel like a lot of the things I have been doing lately have been really challenging and improving some of the things I am naturally good at.

So many girls have incredibly low self-confidence. It hurts me so much that they buy into the lies that society (and pigs) say is truth. I have been lucky to have ladies in my life who don't worry about crappy stuff like that. In the Amazon, we didn't wear makeup, but we were still expected to look nice for going to churches. Looking nice for respect. for beautiful strength. Not for sex. or to cover up insecurities. I like looking good, and make-up is fun. whatever. But, I really respect women who are beautiful and don't wear make up. maybe I'm the only one thinks that. that's okay with me.

I also have this uncommon happiness with being single. Everyone around me seems to be so worried about girlfriends/boyfriends/fiances. For me, I like this freedom. I like being obsessed and madly in love with God only. I feel that if there is no other person in my life right now that makes me fall even more in love with God, then I should be single now. it's so good. for me. the time will come :) but now I am muy contenta.


(I spent this weekend with a bunch of lost, confused, searching kids a bit younger than me who frequently asked me "so have you gone all the way?" and "What?!? Why would you say no to him?". We also talked about whether or not there was some force or God that created the earth a lot. So, that's why my opinions are written here for all to see now).

I just filled out four college applications online...in 1o minutes.

obviously, they really mean a lot to me.

My parents asked me to apply to 5 schools by November 1, even though we have discussed that I am not going to college next year. One school already had all my information and didn't ask for any essays or application fees. I just had to check a box saying that I agree to their rules, and get ridiculously simple recommendation forms filled out. Hah! I love how easy it was.

Anyway. Not going to college immediately. that sounds so good. feels so good. no American dream. It is so awesome to understand how worthless jobs, education, money are. Souls matter, love matters, Jesus' life and death matter.

i miss hannah.


she would have played in the rain with me.

I Wish People Would Listen to Others better.

\I like the earth, I want to take care of it. Today my mother screamed (literally) at me for caring about the environment. She claimed that it is a useless care to have. I told her about those chapters in Job where God talks about how much he loves all the animals and the earth. I told her that makes me love it as well. She continued thinking I was a foolish teenager with thoughts that don't exceed that of what clothes I wear. She also told me that I need to form my own opinions rather than take everything that everyone else says as truth...but I think she really meant that I need to conform to her opinions. (but, i am just a teenager...so I will probably spontaneously combust if I think that much)

I have very little knowledge, but I don't think it is good to see everything in the earth as a resource that benefits ourselves, and then proceed to use all of that "resource" for our own needs...without thinking about future generations, or animals that use that resource.

God is so faithful. He's so good to me.

sometimes I wonder if he loves everyone as much as he loves me because it just doesn't seem possible that he could love everyone as much as the incredible amount he has for me. But he does...and that makes him even more almighty.

As my hope just begins to dwindle, God works. And then my hope becomes so much stronger, much more real.

I am being kind of vague. I will be specific later.

Just know how faithful God is. He is here right now. Not in some weird unbelievable way...but, literally. God is here. If you expect him to be here, he will.

this college crap is so frustrating.

every time a school offers me a full ride scholarship, my parents assume i will definitely apply there.
Also, they are always saying "WE need to fill out applications" , "WE need to record all your audition music", "WE need to get your art portfolio together", "WE need to write essays". But, this is my life....well God's actually. But, they can't make up for their crappy, selfish decisions by doing this college stuff with me.

And when I told them that I might need to/want to go Africa for a year, they said "God will tell you to go to whatever schools give you a full-ride". HAH!

but, it really does piss me off. They don't even try to understand what I say. I am not going to college because society tells me to, because my family tells me to, because I will get a job, or because it is best for me. I will do what God tells me to, and I can't stand that my family (who are called Christians) cannot understand that. If God tells me to go to school, then I will go, and I know God will bless that. If he says to stay home, then somehow that will work out and he will bless that. If he says to go to Calcutta, then I will jump on a plane as fast as I can and he will use me.

hah..my facebook account was disabled....



... for sending people spam with inappropriate content.
i have no idea. whatever.

school starts. in years past that has meant a huge increase of loneliness in my life.

hopefully things are different this year. ha. that is so cliche. well, i am being serious. i actually know who i am this year, unlike other years.

i like learning. i am a loser. i love knowing more and being taught new things.
this year i can handle having zero friends at school. previous years, just one friend or people that looked like friends gave me some confidence. this year, there aren't even people that look like friends. i am less shy as well.



also....i am not living for myself anymore. that changes things a bit. ( i didn't do that last year)

disgust of materialism.

i haven't been able to sleep lately.
i can't stop thinking about how much stuff i have in my room. i lay in bed and think of everything surrounding me and it makes me mad and disgusted.

a lot of it is art. my sculptures take up a lot of room. i don't know what else to do with them.

the rest of the stuff is books and clothes. i am going to get rid of more than half of my clothes by thanksgiving. my parents get really nervous when i give away large quantities of stuff at one time. so, i will make a trip to the Salvation Army today for a couple bags of clothes and shoes and other things. things. things. things.


but, i want to give the rest of my clothes away to people i actually have relationships with. this also challenges me to make relationships with more people who are need of simple things. i hate distanced charity. i want people to be warm this winter. my brothers, my sisters will be cold while i have an abundance of things to keep me warm.

what if shaun, my real brother, was freezing cold all winter and had nothing to keep him warm? what if he wanted to get a job but couldn't because he had nothing nice to go to an interview in?

Well, my earthly brother isn't going through that, but my other brothers and sisters are.
that's how i think of them. everyone, i guess.

so i don't know what my problem is, but i have a tendency to get very lonely very easily.

i rely on people too much.

i try to make my life really busy in order to pretend like i am not lonely.

i hate it so much.

but what i hate more is that other people are lonely too. i know what it feels like to be lonely, and i absolutely hate that other people are. i don't want them to be.

a tragedy.

i really horrible accident happened while i was driving tonight. it was so bad. if someone didn't die i would be surprised. i stopped to call the cops.

then i thought about how quickly death can come. and it is a tragedy.

i cried the rest of the way home for that person who was hit. i don't know if they are badly injured or dead or maybe fine. i don't know. i hate that.


i prayed that God would give me an opportunity on the way home to love someone or let someone know he is here. was that it?

things i don't do....but want to

Drive Responsibly: more biking, less driving. relates to conflict in the world.

Eat Responsibly: no junk, no processed food. need to know where it comes from, who is involved in the process. buy local.

Cool Down/Heat Up: AC and heat wastes coal. cutting down mountains. ruins homes. the earth.

Use less Water: next war in the world will probably be over water. shower a couple times a week.

Neighborhood Kids: tutoring. help latchkey kids.

Being a Friend: people are lonely. seriously.



yea. this is what's been on my mind.

woops. i wrote a lot.

Okay...so, here's what I've been thinking.

On the way to the airport (my dad was dropping me off) my dad was worrying a lot and he was mad at me because I forgot about the no liquids rule or whatever and I brought shampoo and toothpaste. I also forgot a plastic bag for my contacts. Anyway, he was pissed at me, so he stopped at target and got plastic bags. I was annoyed that he was so mad at me for such a simple mistake, he was just making me feel really stupid.
So, we got to the airport, and there were big problems with getting my ticket, so it took about an hour to fix that crap. I got through security just fine and got to my gate. Then the flight kept getting delayed, and they overbooked the flight.

Basically you didn't need to read that whole paragraph...and I had a lot of trouble getting on the plane to MN. So, I got on the plane, and the devil just began working in me. I had this weird feeling of death...like I was going to die. It was kind of fear, but more of an acceptance that I could (and was going to) die on the way to MN. But, I talked to God for the next hour and half and things really changed. It was good....fantastic, really. The plane landed perfectly, the lady next to me asked me if I had a nice nap to which I replied "wonderful" even though I was actually praying. I am a liar.

On this trip, I have learned to be happy with a lot and happy with a little. I have seen the love between these two people that is just incredible. God has given me so many opportunities. I was able to have so many good conversations, and pray with them, and read them the bible. On Sunday morning, we were eating breakfast on their deck, and they asked me to get my bible. I read some awesome scripture, we talked about how we are all doing in our lives...our struggles, our desires, and then I was able to pray for them. It was really fantastic.

This has been relaxing. and encouraging.


oh yea, my 56 year old grandma let me borrow her the new Coldplay album. that was weird. and sweet.

I am in a huge house/mansion with some folks i don't really know.

I am reading "Justice in the Burbs" and I am really liking it a lot.

I am thinking that Seattle is definitely a place I would like to live next year...even though I have never been there.

Today, I am letting my grandparents buy me crap that I will probably give away. meh, oh well. they don't ever have to know. I am making them happy by riding with them in their convertible, and letting them spend their money on me on things unneeded.

I slept in the biggest bed I have ever seen last night, and had the largest cup of coffee I have ever drank this morning after taking a ridiculously nice shower with a towel softer than I could imagine.
but, I was much happier (and more comfortable) taking a shower in the Amazon river and sleeping in a mosquito net on a floor of tree bark, and drinking instant coffee from a tin cup.

...titles are just so silly.

Tonight I am going to Minneapolis. This is going to be the most awkward weekend of my life. My mom's father and step-mother asked me to come visit them there. They have asked me to visit them a lot in every place they have lived, but I always ignore their requests. Due to my love of traveling, I said I would come visit them this time.

The thing is...I do not know them. I am 17 and I don't know my grandparents. It is only 4 days, but they will be 4 days of awkwardness. I have to tell them things that most people know about me, like: I am vegetarian (so all those meals you planned on cooking, you probably shouldn't), and I don't like shopping (so Mall of America isn't going to get me too excited). I will probably not say most things that I should say because that is always what i do.

I think I am a bit angry towards them because of the things they have done, but it's not hard for me to forget that. I still like them when I am with them. I hate their past, but I like them now as people, even love them as people....but not like the love I have for my other grandparents. I like that she is an artist and I like that they want me to come.

I have one other girl cousin, and I think that they assume I am like her. They will just have to find out that I am just a bit different...you know, like I'm not a porn model or whatever.

BUT...from what I hear, they live near a beautiful forest with lakes and hills....my kind of thing :) so hopefully I can do some thinking, and be outside.

I am getting to know my grandparents now that I am 17, that's better than never knowing them or meeting them at my wedding or something....that would be weird.

a useless entry...nothing thoughtful or exciting :/

I have just been tired of being at home. sick of the suburbs. frustrated with the tension and worry at home. not wanting to be alone anymore. so I left on monday. I drove down to Peking, Illinois.

I have been staying with different family members and friends around central Illinois. I've just been reading, and walking, and running. laughing and talking with family and friends. whenever I see my grandparents, they want to buy me stuff. It is annoying, because I just don't want anymore stuff. things things things....so many damn things. (i let them buy me some jeans and running shoes....it made them happy)

I like not knowing where I am going next. not knowing when I will leave or where I will go.

oh ha. this morning I was playing my guitar and singing a bit in the beautiful garden oasis in the backyard of this house I slept in. I stopped because I was going to leave, and realized that the neighbors had their heads over the fence watching me....I can't explain the awkwardness. i just smiled, chuckled a bit, blushed a lot, and hurried away.

i'm scared.

i haven't been able to sleep the past two nights. i have so much energy that i can't read or sleep. aaaaah!

sometimes all I want to do is hang out with little kids and just be ridiculously silly

scat. why not?

zip bop booo beep bibity boo doodoo dah deeet ski dee dah bloodee daaaaaaah!

just felt like singing some scat!

tonight i really miss Peru

the team
kids
spanish
soccer
the sky

My life has become incredibly boring in the past 2 weeks.

After I had mouth surgery, I was on a bunch of pain medicine that basically melted my brain. It was quite difficult to do anything but sleep. :( that was lame.

So now, I am in no pain, and I can really do whatever I want...but I don't. Lately, my days have consisted of learning as much as I can about the US government (for an online class) and studying animals. I've had the desire to be a zoologist since I was able to think about that kind of stuff. Then, when it came time to really think about what my future looks like, I felt like I needed to come up with an idea that might please people more than hanging out with some sweet animals all the time. So, I kind of picked a random job that sounded kind of cool (and I might like) but really I just said it all the time to make people (mostly my parents) happy.

After going to the Amazon, and seeing lots of animals (especially at the zoo) and reading Life of Pi (you should read it, if you haven't) , I remembered how much I like animals. So for the past week, I have been trying to read all the books on animals from the library. Well, I was only going to read 2, but I couldn't stop. So, I like animals....but doesn't everybody? doesn't everybody dream about being a dolphin trainer? about being around animals all the time?

so you know...work in a refugee camp or a zoo? huh...kind of similar, kind of. whatever.

I don't what I am going to do with the rest of my life, but at least I know how I am going to be living it.

oh...my birthday is almost here again.

i am so afraid of getting old(er).

Come now and join the feast,
from the greatest to the very least.
Come now and join the feast,
right hear in the belly of the beast.
Cops and soldiers, you can come too,
just lay down your guns and come on through.
Rich people get rid of your stuff
and poor people there will be enough.
Mighty ones come down from your thrones.
And little ones you are not alone.
Come on patriots, you can bring your flags.
We're washin' feet and we'll need some rags.

--Psalters

thinking believing talking

Tonight, I just told some people all my beliefs and I really do not remember what I said. I have never been so open about telling people some of the radical things I believe. I don't know if they thought I was crazy, or really radical, or a creeper, or maybe they were able to see God....which would be incredible.

Religion has just ruined so many people and their understanding of God. He's not a wimp. He is the almighty. dude, he created everything, like all those big questions that we wonder about....those are all Him. You know, like why do we love and why do we hate? Because God made us like that. What about stars, and the sunrise and sunset, and what about how the sun is at the perfect distance from the earth that is keeps us warm but doesn't burn us? How is that so perfect?
c
Those questions....all God. He created everything...perfect. Man, I just wanted those people to know that tonight.

You know what pissed me off most tonight? The church...and how it has screwed with these peoples' minds so much that they think about the priests and saints more than God. It made them think that God is not capable of so many things.


just...please think about what people tell you, don't believe it just because you are supposed to. just think. determine what is truth and live by it. know your beliefs. it is important.

complacent?

I'm trying to press into the Lord and fight during this time of loneliness and depression. I am trying to convince myself that I am resisting complacency, but I don't know if I really am. I am busying myself with the summer class I am taking, and I am in the word, and prayer, and worship daily...but I have no plans for getting involved in a ministry, or starting any new ministries, and no plans for being part of a community. I obviously don't want to plan too much, because I desire for the Lord to use me in his plans, but maybe I am just being complacent.

my commitment

I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.

My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudit,s or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.

My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, buy my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear.

I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until Io drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!

found among the papers of a young African pastor in Zimbabwe after he was martyred

It is so weird being home. I am uncomfortable and I don't really know how I feel. I have heard about how God has been working here since I left, and it upsets me that I have missed all of that. I am frustrated that I don't have a community to run to and embrace right now. I have no community to spur me on or to worship and grow with and that is going to be really difficult.

I guess what I feel right now is...mostly detached. But also discontent, irritable, out of place, and impatient as well.

I will be forgiving with those who don't understand.
I won't take out my hostility or irritability on others.
I will be in the word, prayer and worship.
I will be patient with others.
I will write to my team.

I surrender my will, my feelings, my mood, my attitude.

I am slowly putting my journal entries from Peru on this site
http://whitney-amazon.blogspot.com/

Habia un sapo sapo sapo...

I am home from Peru...

and I have felt like crying (but I can't stop smiling either) ever since I hugged my leaders at the airport, but the tears have yet to come. I feel like my team has been my family and closest friends for the past month, and now we will never be together as a whole team again. It is hard being alone right now. I just want someone to tell everything about the trip. My family doesn't really want to hear everything...just some of it.

I will try to write more about it later, and include some of my journal entries from the trip too.

But, the abridged version will have to suffice for now.

The Amazonia screams God's glory. The sky is breath-taking 24 hours a day, the water, the jungle, the animals, the people are all just incredible. I will miss the simplicity of the people there. They would love if I just talked to them all day, helped them smash tree nuts, washed their underwear, or just laugh with them. It was awesome when God healed people through me, and when people understood God's love for them...but, one of the most beautiful things I could do for the people was just to make them smile. I will miss being schooled by the little kids in soccer. I will miss swimming in the Amazon to wake up and watch the sunrise. I will miss worshipping God with my brothers and sisters under the incredible sky at night. God worked in Peru. He changed the lives of Peruvians. He changed the lives of my gringo family.
But, he is working here as well. If you let him use you, He will do incredible things through you.

(Please call me. I am not enjoying being alone. I want to tell you what happened. I really just want to be around people)

I feel like I should write something since I am leaving tomorrow for my trip. I really haven't had any fear or concern at all about the trip...I have just been really exicted and at peace with all of it. But now that I am leaving tomorrow I am getting a little nervous.

I am always pretty shy at first and it is really hard for me to be myself immediately. It is really hard for me to be outgoing when I don't know anyone. So, that kind of makes me nervous. I just have to be courageous and not care what people think of me, I guess.

I can't wait to meet the people on the team and the people of Peru. I just want to be around them and learn from them and love them. I think it will be awesome to be in a constant community of people who love Jesus. Just to learn with them, pray with them, worship and laugh will be great. That is what I expect will happen at training camp in Georgia. Then after that we will be able to go be with the people of Peru. I want them to know God's grace and love so badly. I want them to feel cared for, and accepted, and valued and loved.
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I am taking less stuff on this trip than any one I have been on previously. I love that. It feels so good to just be living on the necessities for a while. I am so excited about living simply for a change.
Also, just leaving suburbia... and America is wonderful.

and summer begins...

summer has been wonderful so far. I feel like I have done so much in a couple of days. I have sewed (sewn?...i dunno) two skirts, which was sweet because I have never made my own clothes before. I have spent hours upon hours of making music. And running.

Today, some friends (and teachers...hah) of mine from school went mountain biking. That was incredible. New experiences really do cause happiness. We were near the dupage river and it was incredible amounts of fun....until my bike broke. The whole shifter snapped off when I went over a huge log. So, then I walked to my car. it sucked.
but, then I was tired and covered in mud and sweat and pissed because I broke my bike, so I just drove for a while. Of course I don't have much money for gas so I didn't drive for long. But, I love driving through country and trees with the windows open and music loud.

And, I found an awesome place to camp while biking. I have to bike there, but it is great...and close. So, I guess I will be camping this week... yes!

you know those romantic comedy movies that are all very similar? those screw with my emotions....and that is probably why I continue watching them.
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Lately, I have been playing my guitar a lot more. I guess for the past year, i have played it at least once everyday. But recently, I don't want to stop. I don't get any homework done. I know the chords, but sometimes I just play and don't worry about playing named chords. I just like to play what sounds beautiful.
The other day I was praying, but my words just seemed to useless and I wasn't able to express what I was thinking...so I opened up my trumpet case, and got out my guitar and harmonica and everything just came out perfectly. For me, words are so confusing and awkward. It is so awesome to create something that I understand perfectly and I know my God can too.

“I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create.” William Blake

sometimes I underestimate my God


he can change entire communities, towns, cities, country, continents, the world.

he has done it before.

plus... it is all his.


If I make a sculpture, I can add to it or fix it whenever I want.

i am so confused

i don't like where i am

i hate these suburbs

and you're going to have to kill me but I hate America (or at least what I see of America(ns))

and the church....i can't even explain this anger/rage/frustration


And this where i am. in the suburbs. in America. and in American church.
....and i don't know what to do about it.

After the Bomb(s)

There was a bomb threat at my school today, and maybe thats not a big deal to people because it has been happening quite a bit lately...but it really is a big deal. For me things completely changed when I heard about the threat. It was weird and frightening not feeling safe all of the sudden. School became optional because my life became more important. Thoughts were going through my head like, "was this serious or a joke...and how do i know?" or "do i go to school and hope it was a joke?" or "what happens if I don't go and there was no bomb?" or "what if I don't go and there is a bomb?...how will I feel if people I love get injured or hurt?".

It was just weird, and I understand (a little bit) how it feels for people whose lives are threatened everyday. It is scary and really horrible...wondering if the choices you make will lead to your death. I couldn't imagine dealing with that everyday.

But, I did end up going to school, and so did about 40% of the students. My classes had between 2 and 8 people in all of them, and I could walk through the hallways comfortably...instead of being pushed along by a mass of bodies. I also spent my art period hanging out in the basement with the janitor lady....it was enlightening (i was just moving a pallette of clay for my teacher).
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As for the books I am reading...they are all fantastic.

1. Walden I love this book. I have read it several times, but this time it is taking me REALLY long. I love how he thinks of life and simplicity. It encourages me to simplify my surroundings and thoughts.
2. A Clockwork Orange Now that I am reading it, I completely understand why it has a cult following. Alex is so easy to identify with...even though he does some horrible things. I still can't help but respect his yearning for intellect and frustration with society (and popular music). I love how he talks about music and how it completely changes his demeanor.
3.Jesus for President I have never understood the old testament better (he calls the old testament the Hebrew words or something like that...so it doesn't seem outdated as "old" implies). Shane Claiborne's views on everything is so interesting, and I love hearing what he has to say. I am not very far into this, but I feel like I have learned so much already about the government, society and God.
4. Voyage of the Dawn Treader Okay, I have read this like 6 times, but it is worth it. You should read it too. C.S. Lewis's imagination is wonderful and I feel like I am traveling to the awesome places with the kids in the books. His description at the end of the book is astounding. I love this series, and this one is by far the best of them all. Go read it. (please)

In about one month I am going to Peru. It has been on my mind more than anything lately, and I can't really figure out how I am feeling. I am excited...but I am also nervous. So maybe that is anxious. They expect me to get to know the team pretty well before we even meet in Atlanta. They want me to do this online. I hate that because it is so easy to be different online, and I am afraid of making assumptions about people before I actually meet them in person...and I am afraid they will do that about me too.

I have never lived out of a bag for a month. or wondered if I could shower for a month. I have never lived on a boat. in a rain forest. with people i have never met.

so this is making me very very very happy...and afraid, and nervous, and joyful. it makes me want to dance, and dream, and run, and shake.

(perhaps I am bipolar)

!

I feel like I write this a lot, but I love steel band.
Today, we had a concert. So, we got together and put all of our stuff out for a while. Then Doctor Doom (name has been changed for privacy purposes) told us he wanted to talk about something kind of serious. So, like 6 of us sat in a circle on the stage, and Doctor (pronounced Docta) Doom told us about why he became a vegetarian 7 years ago, and how it has changed his life. He offered to let us borrow his books on animal treatment. He told us that he buys all his food locally, and picks out the eggs he eats himself...so no chickens are treated unethically.

Then during our practice, we basically dance around like crazy while playing the pans. Then while other bands are performing...be have an even better dance party back stage. Then we get on stage and share our music with everyone else, and invite them to our dance party. And even though few people accept our invitation to dance....everyone wishes they were having as much fun as us. Before we played, one of my friends said "It doesn't matter if no one dances with us or shows any expression...as long as they can feel our spirit. It's all about the spirit" :)

test. dumb test.

Ugh. I am so sick of my parents worrying about me doing wonderfully on the ACT. It is such a stupid test. Who ever decided that knowledge can be determined by the speed you read, and how quickly you can comprehend things? Why do we have to be judged? What is the point of turning us into numbers? I hate it.
And that is why I am so nonchalant about it. I just don't see how it could change my life so drastically if I bomb it. My parents are always saying "you don't worry enough about it", or "you shouldn't be so laid back". But, that is what I have to be. If I worried as much as them, or expected that I always do perfect. If I were pressuring myself as much as they pressure me to get at least a 32... I would be so insane that I wouldn't be able to take the test.

It is really making me angry how worried they are. Today, they asked me 5 times if I am prepared for tomorrow. 6 times if I have everything I need. (a pencil and a calculator) Seriously...how could I forget that? and Prepared? Um....isn't this a test to see how much I have learned and how much ability I have to learn? So, being prepared has been going to school, and talking, and reading, and learning my whole life, right?

Ugh. SOCIETY! judgement. worry. why?

skittering through my psyche

I feel like I want to write something, I just never know what to write. I have been dreaming a lot lately. And day dreaming even more. Last night I remember having a dream about going to every person I cared about and giving them a hug. It was so weird. Then all day today, I saw people I haven't seen in a while that I have been missing...and my dream seemed to actually happen. It was goooood.
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Today was just good. lovely actually. Saturday night I spent a few hours reading some psalms and praying and I feel like that really changed my Sunday drastically. When I got back from California, I found some music to play for the service on Sunday, and called my piano teacher to see if she could accompany me. So all day Saturday we practiced, and I was feeling kind of bad about it because it wasn't enough practice really. But, in the service today...it was so great. I have learned to love worshipping through playing...so much more than singing in church. I can be so much more passionate, and ...I dunno....it is difficult to explain. Anyway, the song went sooo well, and it felt great, and weird too. I was so into the song and worshipping that I completely forgot about the people watching. So when the song was over, I was kind of stunned by the fact that other people just watched me worship...and it was just very strange. not really awkward or bad, just strange. kind of good though.

Today was just one of those wonderful days. I was driving a few times today...and it was so good to have the windows open, and my hair blowing all over the place and crazy, and the music on, and singing pretty loud sometimes. I always laugh at myself...because I think about what people are thinking in other cars about me. I love driving near a person who is enjoying themselves, and clearly loving life. It makes me laugh.

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When people get comfortable with each other, they seem to be blunt and horribly honest sometimes. I like honesty, and I can be quite blunt (most of the time, actually), but people say things that are mean and horrible. And the other day, two people that love each other pissed me off because they had been so mean to each other for a couple days. And, it was over petty things that had no significance...and I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't just say one nice thing. So I just said something like "why are you being mean to one another?" or something like that. They both just froze and stopped. We like to say we have "arguments" or "heated discussions" or "fights" but no one says things like "we were being really mean to each other". It's such a simple thing...but a lot of the people around me do not act nice.

i've developed some new hobbies over break....

growing bamboo

and

skateboarding


i'm pretty horrible at both of them so far.

The Art of Blue Tape Spirituality

"I'm still a wordy woman. But my prayers are no longer wordy. In fact, there are barely any words to them at all. How do I then pray?

I pray with art, with images and color that reflect out loud the embers that still burn in my bones. I pray with paint, and glue, and scraps of paper that I collage together. Quiet time. This is my best time to do art.

When my father died this past summer I went to a local art store and filled up a bag with supplies. Before we had even buried him an art piece flowed out of me. Grief, prayed out with images rather than words.

I had another crisis, an emotional crisis earlier this summer. It caught me off guard. An incident tore an old scab off a hidden hurt and I bled all over the carpet. In times past I would have headed for the basement and prayed it all out to my father in heaven. Instead, I grabbed my art box, a glass of wine, and sat at my table, collaging images and phrases of grace and beauty. It has now become one of my favorite art pieces, a vivid prayer that hangs on the wall of my bedroom. It is a living prayer that has yet to be amen'ed.

How do I pray? I listen to the Blues, and sing. I sing my prayers along with Mavis and Ted and Muddy. I hum and harmonize, prayer boiling over like a kettle of simmering black-eyed peas.

I danced my prayers this week. A friend invited me to a concert in a nearby park. A dozen of us swirled and twirled in time to the guitars. I jazzed up my Pentecostal two-step and became lost in the magic of the sound. Prayers throbbed through my bare feet into the earth. The trees and the sky watched me, the dancing prayer warrior, as I slew dragons of grief and despair.

I do not know how to pray anymore. I do not know how to stay locked in my basement, alone with loud words and ghosts, unholy or otherwise. My prayers now have life, have purpose. Like blue tape, the tape I keep in my art drawer for using whenever and however. Prayer is no longer confined to words or places in my life. It is whenever and however. It is like blue tape."
by Pam Hogeweide

A few days ago I was wondering what I would do over spring break. Then on Saturday, my parents reminded me that we would be going to California. So..yep, that's where I've been for that past few days.
Today I went for a bike ride on the beach all day. About 30 miles there, and 30 back....it was pretty great...freeing. I actually came here to look at some schools, and so far that has been wonderful. College visits are so awkward for me. I am really bad at asking good questions and I feel like I am not part of the community and it is just awkward. But...I could most definitely see myself living here in a little more than a year.

But...we'll see. I have no idea what could happen between now and later.

Lately, I have spent a lot of time alone, and it's been nice to think. These times when I don't really have many close friends are when I determine my beliefs and goals the best, I think.
After seeing Into the Wild , and then rewatching four more times, I haven't stopped thinking about what happiness is. Also, I am reading Walden again, and my beliefs are just changing so much. I am much more easily disturbed by crap now, and it frustrates me when other people make decisions that I may have made before.

And religion..
Prejudice and pride seem to be a huge problem that come with religious tradition and moral teaching. I think that ideals are something common to all humans and that values don't have to be linked to religion. we live on the same planet, in the same societies, and there is just a knowledge enough to treat other people with a certain respect. And,while everyone may believe something different, no one has the right to say they are superior over another morally. Also, while I think that discussion and even debate over is good, it seems screwed up when groups push (Forcefully) their beliefs on people who don't want to hear it.

And Christianity...
I feel is a faith rooted in belief, ACTION, and LOVE. It is an obsession with Christ. An obsession with his ideals of peacemaking, and caring, and hope, and -of course- love. It is NOT complacency, or ignorance, materialism, selfishness, or indifference. Why are Christians fighting in wars? Buying Hummers? No wonder deism is so popular. No wonder so many people are questioning, and confused. Why does the church always speak about life after death? I want life now. That is why Jesus died, right? LIFE (loving god, others, following Jesus, new experiences) today is beautiful, is what Jesus offers, but its not what the church is saying.
Following Jesus has been transformed to mean VBS, and not swearing, and voting republican, and agreeing with Bush. But, it's about beeing the church--the literal hands and feet of God.

And people....
people are just so mean to each other. I don't even understand why there is so much judgement and prejudice. People have made their lives so much about themselves that they aren't really living. If happiness is about relationships and experiences with other people, you could never be happy, never experience living with selfish desires. So many of the people around me are going to miss out on so much. But, the don't want change, and don't care about what will happen. I just wish there was a community of people that have similar dreams as me. People keep telling me I can't change the world, they laugh, they think it's a joke. But, I can't imagine how else I could live my life.

I have been changing and learning alone for a while now. I want, and kind of need,other people who think to talk to. Who challenge me more than I am able to challenge myself. Who have aspirations in their lives...similar to mine. To me...that's what the church should be. it's not though.

a simple shove

While avoiding writing some essays, I found a letter from my old English teacher. This is what the last paragraph said:

"I have always expected a lot out of you, and I hope you move through high school always expecting a lot out of yourself. You are the future of the world. You have a chance to end injustice, poverty, hunger, and war. I implore you to always work toward making our world a better place, and that you spend you life looking out beyond yourself to see how your actions impact your world. I urge you to have all of your actions be ones that make for a more fair, equitable world for every man, woman, and child in our global community. You have the power to make a difference. So get moving."

snails.

This morning i woke up to the sunshine in my eyes, and my own laughter. Then I proceeded to get in the shower, then throw every thing in my bathroom at a spider running around my feet in the bathtub. Then I laughed at myself for a while.
I was walking to school this morning, and I was thinking about these lyrics.

Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch

And supposedly this song is about sex, but that's not how I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how beautiful life it...the small things. Like, to smile when I feel the sunshine, and how it feels like I won the lottery when I find a quarter on the ground. Or, how breathing can give you so much energy and change a perspective. To laugh out loud when I think something is funny even if no one else does.

Since I was already going to be late to school (because of the spider problem), I decided just to keep walking. It was sunny and I was happy, and wanted to think, so i just kept going. And it was great. But, all day, I thought about these lyrics. For instance, when my dad and I eat dinner, we usually sit down, start eating, and we never feel like talking so we don't. The silence is relaxing and perfect. I always get up when water boils, and pour 2 cups of water for our tea, and then we just continue eating. Then sometimes we talk, and sometimes we don't. And I love that we do that, but I didn't realize the beauty of it until today.

(oh yes, the song is Snails by The Format...if you want to listen to a song that might be about sex or life or beauty or dogs, you can decide)

I just realized how stupid this blog is because:

• i don't enjoy writing
• i don't use it much
• i always delete what i write, so no one ever reads what i am really thinking
• i never can sound like me when i write

but, i will keep it anyway. who knows why.

I love how it feels when the sun completely warms my body.

Sometimes, I don't want to go to bed because I just want that feeling again.

(don't get me wrong....I love the night too)


If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind? -Shelley

Before high school, art consumed my life. I spent all my extra time in and out of school painting, drawing, and making art. When I got to high school, I just stopped doing it. Well, I finally have time to be in an art class, and I love it. It is the best part of my morning, but for some reason, I don't talk to anyone about it. My friends and family don't really even know what I am doing, but know I feel like talking about it.

I don't know anyone in the class, in fact I had never seen any one's face in the class before the first day. So, I am able to just work by myself....which is wonderful. The teacher tries to make every person feel important to him, and obviously makes an effort to know everyone. He gives us like 5 things to do at once, so everyone in the class is working on different things. He lets us stay in there, and skip the following classes if we don't mind going to the Dean's office.

More than that, I have started painting again outside of class, and it feels amazing. Except I don't know what to do with the paintings. They all are just in a pile on my desk. And, if I show my parents, they just say "oh, cool". At school, if I love what I made, the teacher usually goes with me to show the other teachers, and says things like "Genius!" or "Bravo!" and proceeds to put it in a display case. And it is good to have other people feel something similar to how you feel.

Also, partly becasue of this class, and the fast, I have been doing so much more with my music. I don't know how else to describe it other that "good". So that's what this is....good. :)

I am learning so much right now. I am learning how much I love simplicity. How much I want discipline, and submission. How much I like being with simple-thinking people. How great sincerity is. How looking in someones eyes changes everything. How I love the beauty and majesty of nature. How the simplest music can be the best. How it is better not to think so much, and just jump. How important other people are. How important patience is. How a simple encouragement could completely alter a mind. How special now is. How much I don't want to waste now.

I've missed learning...like this.

drives and rides

Lately, I have had a large amount of time alone, and also time with people I love being around. I love driving long-distances alone, and with other people. After driving to and from Elgin, I got in the car with my brother and dad. I love talking with them, but their opirom nions are so different from mine that it gets overwhelming to talk to them sometimes.

We were talking about the NIU shooting, and what we would do in that situation. I felt like everyone in the room was only thinking about themselves by just running for their own lives. It made me wonder if someone could have knocked the guy out from behind and saved him, the kids in the room, and the strife of many others. My brother thinks that in situations like that we, as humans, are unable to make those decisions and just act to save ourselves out of instinct. For me, it is hard to believe that we can't choose wrong from right even in difficult situations. Especially difficult situations.

Maybe I can't speak because I have never been through that. But, if Jesus risked everything to save us, I feel like we would need to do the same if that kind of situation happened.

Sometimes, I just curl up as small as I can in the corner of my dark room. I feel like pressure is building up all around. My mind goes crazy. Scenes of my day, sketches of my dreams, lyrics, faces, movie clips, sounds, journal entries, conversations, poems are all flying through my head. It is chaotic, and stressful. Then, I can take control. Make it all stop, talk myself into reality, try to understand life. But, the only way I can ever answser my own questions is with new questions. Then, I realize it doesn't matter what I don't know. I will live, and find out. I can get up, recognize the silence, wipe my eyes, and breathe. I love when it is over, and I close my eyes, and I can feel one deep breath fill up my whole body. All I can hear is my heart beat...and the silence that stills everything else.





**i always feel like no one is like me after i write weird things that i do (like this), and i want to delete the post and feel kind of embarrassed. Then I say whatever and click publish anyway.

TICKETS! Get your Tickets Here!

Ugh. Caught by the copers!

You know getting a ticket doesn't feel particulary great. (Although I did feel for the cop...he seemed to be particularly grumpy this evening). But it really isn't too bad. Until my mother decided that I probably don't feel crappy enough so the car should be taken away, and I should have to drop out of the only class that I actually love at school (I don't know how that relates to how long I stop at stop signs).

I am excited about the car being taken away. Now, I get to ride my bike everywhere, which my parents wouldn't let me do when I had the car. So that is sweet. But, dropping out of the class upsets me, because that means I will have to make up that credit over summer. Plus not be able to go camping/hiking/caving/rock climbing every weekend really blows.

Living with/Obeying irrational people is very difficult.

The other day, my friends and I were talking about our lives being a movie. Mine would be incredibly boring. My life is fairly predictable. I go to school, I do nothing daring or exciting at school. Then I usually go home and do homework, read, play music, run, work out, go for a walk. Then the days I don't do that aren't much more exciting.
Although, I do ridiculous things that end up leaving me in really awkward situations. Like...now what do I do with that huge, dirty, orange cone in the back of my car?

I have been wondering a lot about why I don't do the things I wish I did. Sometimes I imagine conversations that I could have with people...but I know I never will. I don't really understand what is stopping me. I don't think i care what their perception of me is. hmm...I guess i just need to be more courageous and do the things that I dream about. why not?

So,why do I think my dreams are unattainable?

I could start living them tomorrow. Or now.

What is there to lose?

quite the change of heart

As I have been getting ready for the Amazon, I have had a bit of trouble. Every previous trip, my grandparents have supported me, and helped me wiith everything. But, this time my grandma felt it wasn't safe and was really scared about me going. So, I have been praying for her, and talking to her, and giving her information to help her feel more comfortable with me going or at least understand why I am doing this. The hardest part about this is that everytime I talked to her about it she would cry, and it hurt me so bad because she is scared because of her love for me. And it was hard because I completely understand how she feels, and I know she understands me. Anyways, I get my stubborness from her so she wasn't about to change her mind about it. So I just prayed.
Then today, she called me. She told me about how she was fighting with God, and is really nervous about this trip, but she really had to submit and just have faith that our sweet King would take care of everything. That was incredibly strong of her, and has made me so joyful today.