"What's friendship, when all's done, but the giving and taking of wounds?"
Frederick Buechner
For Aristotle, there are three kinds of friendship, the highest of which is friendship based on virtue. This means wishing the best for your friends regardless of the utility or pleasure derived from the friendship. The other two kinds of friendship are friendship based on utility and friendship based on pleasure. A useful friend is one you derive a benefit from, like a neighbor who is really good at fixing cars and you are friends because he fixes your car. In a friendship based on pleasure, you simply enjoy being with one another; you are friends because you are attracted to each other's wit, good looks, good conversation, hiking companion, or other desirable qualities. I find myself more and more drawn to this highest form of friendship, mutual feelings of good will between two people who value each other for their goodness and help each other strive for goodness.
In a world where individualism predominates, we each choose our own life path, goals, values, and friends are a comfort, but we cannot expect them to share our goals and values. In Aristotle's world, human life has a telos, an end goal where the pursuit of happiness is communal.
I think I once thought there was no such thing as this true and virtuous form of friendship, but now I am realizing the differences in the friendships I have. I have high moral and ethical standards for people, especially my close friends. In my friendships motivated by utility and pleasure, I find myself frustrated, critical, and disappointed constantly. Aristotle thought that friendship would not last if one person is far more virtuous than the other. Maybe in our modern thought, where virtue is defined by the individual, we simply have different definitions of what is virtuous. It comes down to this: I want my friends to share my goals and values. I want to be motivated by them to be better to other people, to be kinder, to be admirable.
