Maybe it's just because of finals and the end of the semester, but I am feeling incredibly disconnected from everyone around me. All of the sudden I feel like all my relationships are fake. How well do I really know people...or really, does anyone really know me? and what does "knowing" a person entail? Can anyone actually know me?
I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.
So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.
Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.
This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.
Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.
1 comment:
You learned how to have those relationships from me. Unfortunately, I was not a good example of how to be in friendships. Maybe God never intended for us to have many close friendships so that we could impact more people by having lots of different relationships? Funny that I read this today after a night of lonliness about this exact issue. God has been working on me too in this area, and I am beginning to see that He has a plan... Thanks for your insight....Love you--Mom
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