autumn and growing up

It's about that time again...for me to put something of mine out there into the world from the inner-working of my soul. I've felt incredibly reflective lately in the last few months of the year, as the weather is changing, and I shiver all the way home on my bike, and the air and life around me feels so pungent-or even poignant. This endless summer in southern California had me in a fit of frustration as all I wanted was to wear scarves and sweaters, eat pumpkin and roast roots and squashes, and feel the cool air on my skin reminding me I'm alive constantly. Now it's finally here and thoughts of home, apple trees, raking leaves, fireplaces, and apple cider haunt me constantly.

Frustration and stress have been the defining words of this last college semester unfortunately. I've noticed habits of shallow breathing and teeth grinding to be taking over my normally easy-come-easy-go approach to life. I've medicated myself with slow mornings, lots of herbal tea, daily yoga, trips into the foothills, and dancing, which works most days. However, I seem to have outgrown this home, and all my self-medicating doesn't seem to help. It's about time for a new phase in life, one in which I can maybe make sense of these past years of fast-paced learning...preferably in a garden or on a farm in a place with seasons, but I'll take what I can get. Don't get me wrong, I could write a book about all I've learned, tell hundreds of stories of the people I've met and adventures I've been on, and shed countless tears about the people I leave behind along with this place, it's just the perfect timing for me to try something else now.

But, for now, I feel so grateful for the people around me. As isolating as it can be to go to school here, I've been dropped into a small niche of people who speak honest words and explore the depths of what it means to love. As long as I am open to it, I am received by friends, roommates, and professors with so much love, joy, kindness, and gratitude. And as corny as it may sound written here on this blog, those moments where people show me just an inkling of those good things, I feel like I'll make it through the day.