So, it's been about a month since my last update...so it's about the usual time for me to reflect and write a bit.

2 more weeks of school. I couldn't be happier to dig my nose out of these books and try to get myself back together--remember what I really care about, take some deep breaths, let out some deeps laughs, and think about the people and things I care about. I wish those things weren't what my mind pushes aside when it's full of philosophy homework.

I feel I'm always too slow. Too slow to say what I mean to say. Too slow to even think of what I want to say before the moment passes. Too slow to get my thoughts together in class. Too slow to add to a discussion in class. Too slow to realize how much I care for someone before they've been hurt by me not knowing I care. That's where my slowness hurts the most. When I care for people with all my heart, but I just don't know it soon enough to tell them and show them. The worst is when they have already been hurt without me even knowing. I just feel like an idiot...and cold, I feel cold. I'm too slow to make decisions about the future, letting opportunities pass me by. I'm too slow to initiate...anything, especially friendships and intimacy.

Sometimes I just feel broken, like my brain and heart don't function like everyone else's.

So now the semester ends, and I fear I have been far too slow at far too many things. And my friends are all graduating or leaving to travel the world. And I feel a deep loneliness coming towards me like I never have before, and it scares every bone in my body.

And, on the other hand, I'm leaving this semester with more confidence than ever before. And it's not a facade of confidence either, but a confidence instilled by someone I respect and will always care deeply about. And in the meantime my list is getting longer--my list of people I love deeply but only see on rare occasions.