It has been awhile since I've written anything. This semester is coming to end, my second year of college is coming to an end.

Last week, I was camping in Yosemite for spring break, and I think I came to a few realizations and began to understand this semester better.

First, I feel radically different when I am in the mountains, in the forest, away from city life. I feel like I am home (this Greek idea of nostos). Something in my soul and body just feels right, feels at peace. I can slow down in body and mind, I can think clearly, I act more loving, in fact, I feel more capable of loving. And, I don't know if that is just me or if all humans are more at home away from civilization (whether or not we all recognize it). I'm in the woods again this weekend, at a friend's cabin, and I'm reading Thoreau's Walden once again. This just seems how life should be. . .just lazing around on the weekend, waking up slow, drinking a cup of coffee on the porch, walking by the river, playing with the dog, reading in the hammock, watching the birds.

Second, I've realized some of my spiritual frustrations. January started with me having questions about God or the divine or whatever you want to call it. And this caused me major stress and frustration. The thing that confused me most was that other people are okay with not knowing answers about God, they are not deeply frustrated and troubled by not knowing. I think Christianity had pounded it into my mind that knowledge and understanding of the divine is of utmost importance, that knowing God is foundational. More so, I had been told that God loved me and I think this was something that I relied heavily on. Then, thinking that maybe I had just made this god-figure up in my mind, that maybe all I had been told was bullshit, my understanding of the world and my understanding myself was rearranged. And that change, not just the questions themselves, is what caused the stress.

There's so much running through my mind--relational, life, humanity, love, hobbies and distraction, God, meditation, community, education, arrogance, shmarrogance. Maybe I will be able to write something cohesive on it one day. For today, just this smattering.



if this isn't a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon, I don't know what is...