because i don't often enough feel encouraged to do these things,
i encourage you to be as nuts as possible.
i encourage you to be okay with being sad sometimes.
i encourage you to create. (to make something, know it's good because you made it, and then share it with everyone.)
i encourage you to make your own world.
i encourage you to shake this land.
i encourage you to fail, to have scars rather than live a totally bland life.
i encourage you to give and receive love generously.
i encourage you not to tag people.
i encourage you to have heroes.
i encourage you to be a beautiful loser.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
i want to make a stairway going nowhere. well maybe not nowhere
exactly, more like anywhere."why?" you might ask and
my reply would simply be, with a timid smirk and a
slight wink, "to make you wonder" or perhaps
"to make you wander. wander through
the hallways of your imagination and
through the folds of nowhere and
anywhere that you've never
traveled through
before."
exactly, more like anywhere."why?" you might ask and
my reply would simply be, with a timid smirk and a
slight wink, "to make you wonder" or perhaps
"to make you wander. wander through
the hallways of your imagination and
through the folds of nowhere and
anywhere that you've never
traveled through
before."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
thoughts on knowledge, God, and snow
Ahhhh, there is so much to be learned. Everyday I realize more and more how little I know. So many books to read, ideas to ponder, people to listen to. I love that there is no way I can ever know as much as I want to...reminds me of the mystery of it all.
Think: what if the knowledge and wisdom of every person ever to walk this earth were combined into one being? It would be magnificent, right? Aha certainly, BUT still there is so much that humans have never known and never will. That magnificent amount of knowledge in that imagined being could never measure up to the all-knowing God.
Ah, I don't know...it's all so fascinating and mysterious to me. And even more, His greatness doesn't only have to do with Him being all-knowing. There is just so so much more. (I think A.W. Tozer does a fair job of getting at this in The Knowledge of the Holy)
-----------------------------------------------
Ohmagoodness. the snow. So beautiful. peaceful. calming, even.'
oh oh oh, and one of the best parts of snow is one of my favorite sounds: the rhythmic crunching of the snow under my boot as I walk in it. There is some song that reminds of this sound...I think it's a Sigur Ros song. Aha, yes. It is "Glosoli" on Takk...
Think: what if the knowledge and wisdom of every person ever to walk this earth were combined into one being? It would be magnificent, right? Aha certainly, BUT still there is so much that humans have never known and never will. That magnificent amount of knowledge in that imagined being could never measure up to the all-knowing God.
Ah, I don't know...it's all so fascinating and mysterious to me. And even more, His greatness doesn't only have to do with Him being all-knowing. There is just so so much more. (I think A.W. Tozer does a fair job of getting at this in The Knowledge of the Holy)
-----------------------------------------------
Ohmagoodness. the snow. So beautiful. peaceful. calming, even.'
oh oh oh, and one of the best parts of snow is one of my favorite sounds: the rhythmic crunching of the snow under my boot as I walk in it. There is some song that reminds of this sound...I think it's a Sigur Ros song. Aha, yes. It is "Glosoli" on Takk...
Friday, December 25, 2009
Learn to Enjoy God
So, this is a paper I wrote this semester. This is the fruit of an interview with Richard Foster, so I thought it would be nice if I shared his wise words and stories with you. Umm...oh, I was supposed to submit it to Relevant Magazine...but I never did...but that is what it was written for. It is really nothing outstanding...but Richard Foster is great! (I realize it's kind of lengthy for a blog. o well)
------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of college students feel young and invincible. A lot of us feel like we need to get college over with so we can get started with our lives. But, maybe we are missing our life right now while we are in college. As Richard Foster quoted, “Rest, rest, you have nothing to do but to rest in the Lord.”
Maybe one of our biggest problems as college students is that we are “ready to convert the world at least by tomorrow,” which Foster told me was his attitude in college. Since then, he has learned to be a little more patient about changing the world.
We revolve a lot of our lives around time, but maybe in order to live more spiritually-full lives, we need to live outside of time. Foster quotes John Muir in saying that we need “to become time-rich. To become rich in time, that’s a good thing.” In Foster’s life, he exercises “time-richness” by going to the canyon near his home in Denver. Most days, he is out there for an hour or two, just to get in touch with creation. Like many people, when he is in creation, he feels much more connected to God. He slows down to spend time with the trees and the flowers and the birds. Some days, he just listens to the wind for a while.
“The creation reflects the order, the glory, and the goodness of the creator,” and maybe it is in all these things that God can teach us. Perhaps what’s missing on a lot of college campuses is the slow life that Foster finds in his canyon. Foster describes this lifestyle many of us students have chosen as “hurry sickness” and he says that “all of us are affected by it.”
Perhaps a benefit of not being in a hurry is a better prayer life. A lot of times I find myself and the people around me rushing into prayer. We approach God in a hurry like we approach the rest of our life. Foster really encourages everyone to be more patient with themselves. He said, “One of the old writers said, ‘We learn to pray as we can and not as we can’t.’”
As a college student, Foster used to get up at four o’clock in the morning to try to pray. He would find himself falling asleep, so he would stand up against a wall, but he found out that he is capable of falling asleep even standing against a wall. “You have to learn to pray as you are able to. You have to take it one step at a time. God is a lot more patient with us than we are with ourselves.”
Rather than just slowing down in our prayer lives, Foster suggests “we learn to pray in such a way that it doesn't take any time in a sense but it occupies all of our time.” Part of the beauty in this new attitude and lifestyle of slowing down is that it is a lifestyle of constant prayer. As we live our lives, we are also “bringing our hearts to God.”
I had to agree with Foster when he told me that he thinks the biggest struggle for college students is distraction. “We have ten thousand things coming at us”, and we are distracted by technology, school, work, relationships, and it really is difficult to focus on loving God when we feel like we need to focus on the other 9,999 things that are whirring around our minds. Maybe it is our modern lifestyle that has made us like this, but I think it is just our human nature that makes us “constantly jumping up, going here, and going there.”
We need to find ways “in which we learn to let go of distraction so that our lives can focus, focus on God of course.” In college, we are so intent on accomplishing and making friendships, and there is nothing wrong with that, but we need to remember what we are on this earth for. There is a time for studying and learning. Foster said that for him, “studies were a way of honoring God and worshipping God” when he was in school. Learning and studying is definitely a good thing and can bring glory to God, but what can we do now to live a much more rich life?
Richard Foster has spent a lot of time on college campuses and in the presence of college students. He is more than just a writer; he is a deep thinker and an incredibly kind man of great wisdom. He studied at George Fox University and Fuller Theological Seminary and has been a professor at several universities.
On my college campus, it is definitely a little difficult to go to the wilderness and get away from the busyness of city life. But, as Foster says, if we want to slow down, “we ruthlessly cut out hurry in our lives. We learn not to be so full of hurry.” He encouraged me to take a walk around the track by the football field and around the campus, get a little exercise, sit up in the stands, and watch the people. He tells me that “people are interesting, just watch them. Sit down and talk with somebody. Sometimes you find God as you talk with somebody. Everybody is carrying burdens and you learn about them. You learn about the needs and all those things. Learn to enjoy God.”
Learn to enjoy God. Is that what we are missing? Are we in such a hurry that we are not enjoying God? Are we rushing through our spiritual lives in order to move onto the next great thing that is going to happen? Perhaps we should slow down our pace.
I am imagining my life in slow motion. A life with much more beautiful imagery; reflecting on the beauty of God, talking with friends around campus about life rather than just yelling “hey, how are you doing?” as we pass each other on our way to separate places, eating meals together, tasting each bite and thanking God for each new flavor, walking just to walk not because I need to run to the store as quickly as possible to get back to the next thing. I am thinking of a much more honest, contemplative, and communal attitude towards life.
With the inspiration of Richard Foster, I am advocating a great slowing down among students everywhere. I am proposing a great deep breath, an enjoyment of every minute of our lives. Maybe the spiritual aspect missing on college campuses everywhere is a contemplative slowness only defined by a life focused on loving God. We can cure this “hurry sickness” by maybe just taking simple steps to cut hurry out of our lives. Maybe we just need to “learn to enjoy God.”
------------------------------------------------------------
A lot of college students feel young and invincible. A lot of us feel like we need to get college over with so we can get started with our lives. But, maybe we are missing our life right now while we are in college. As Richard Foster quoted, “Rest, rest, you have nothing to do but to rest in the Lord.”
Maybe one of our biggest problems as college students is that we are “ready to convert the world at least by tomorrow,” which Foster told me was his attitude in college. Since then, he has learned to be a little more patient about changing the world.
We revolve a lot of our lives around time, but maybe in order to live more spiritually-full lives, we need to live outside of time. Foster quotes John Muir in saying that we need “to become time-rich. To become rich in time, that’s a good thing.” In Foster’s life, he exercises “time-richness” by going to the canyon near his home in Denver. Most days, he is out there for an hour or two, just to get in touch with creation. Like many people, when he is in creation, he feels much more connected to God. He slows down to spend time with the trees and the flowers and the birds. Some days, he just listens to the wind for a while.
“The creation reflects the order, the glory, and the goodness of the creator,” and maybe it is in all these things that God can teach us. Perhaps what’s missing on a lot of college campuses is the slow life that Foster finds in his canyon. Foster describes this lifestyle many of us students have chosen as “hurry sickness” and he says that “all of us are affected by it.”
Perhaps a benefit of not being in a hurry is a better prayer life. A lot of times I find myself and the people around me rushing into prayer. We approach God in a hurry like we approach the rest of our life. Foster really encourages everyone to be more patient with themselves. He said, “One of the old writers said, ‘We learn to pray as we can and not as we can’t.’”
As a college student, Foster used to get up at four o’clock in the morning to try to pray. He would find himself falling asleep, so he would stand up against a wall, but he found out that he is capable of falling asleep even standing against a wall. “You have to learn to pray as you are able to. You have to take it one step at a time. God is a lot more patient with us than we are with ourselves.”
Rather than just slowing down in our prayer lives, Foster suggests “we learn to pray in such a way that it doesn't take any time in a sense but it occupies all of our time.” Part of the beauty in this new attitude and lifestyle of slowing down is that it is a lifestyle of constant prayer. As we live our lives, we are also “bringing our hearts to God.”
I had to agree with Foster when he told me that he thinks the biggest struggle for college students is distraction. “We have ten thousand things coming at us”, and we are distracted by technology, school, work, relationships, and it really is difficult to focus on loving God when we feel like we need to focus on the other 9,999 things that are whirring around our minds. Maybe it is our modern lifestyle that has made us like this, but I think it is just our human nature that makes us “constantly jumping up, going here, and going there.”
We need to find ways “in which we learn to let go of distraction so that our lives can focus, focus on God of course.” In college, we are so intent on accomplishing and making friendships, and there is nothing wrong with that, but we need to remember what we are on this earth for. There is a time for studying and learning. Foster said that for him, “studies were a way of honoring God and worshipping God” when he was in school. Learning and studying is definitely a good thing and can bring glory to God, but what can we do now to live a much more rich life?
Richard Foster has spent a lot of time on college campuses and in the presence of college students. He is more than just a writer; he is a deep thinker and an incredibly kind man of great wisdom. He studied at George Fox University and Fuller Theological Seminary and has been a professor at several universities.
On my college campus, it is definitely a little difficult to go to the wilderness and get away from the busyness of city life. But, as Foster says, if we want to slow down, “we ruthlessly cut out hurry in our lives. We learn not to be so full of hurry.” He encouraged me to take a walk around the track by the football field and around the campus, get a little exercise, sit up in the stands, and watch the people. He tells me that “people are interesting, just watch them. Sit down and talk with somebody. Sometimes you find God as you talk with somebody. Everybody is carrying burdens and you learn about them. You learn about the needs and all those things. Learn to enjoy God.”
Learn to enjoy God. Is that what we are missing? Are we in such a hurry that we are not enjoying God? Are we rushing through our spiritual lives in order to move onto the next great thing that is going to happen? Perhaps we should slow down our pace.
I am imagining my life in slow motion. A life with much more beautiful imagery; reflecting on the beauty of God, talking with friends around campus about life rather than just yelling “hey, how are you doing?” as we pass each other on our way to separate places, eating meals together, tasting each bite and thanking God for each new flavor, walking just to walk not because I need to run to the store as quickly as possible to get back to the next thing. I am thinking of a much more honest, contemplative, and communal attitude towards life.
With the inspiration of Richard Foster, I am advocating a great slowing down among students everywhere. I am proposing a great deep breath, an enjoyment of every minute of our lives. Maybe the spiritual aspect missing on college campuses everywhere is a contemplative slowness only defined by a life focused on loving God. We can cure this “hurry sickness” by maybe just taking simple steps to cut hurry out of our lives. Maybe we just need to “learn to enjoy God.”
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Mmmm break is so good :)
reading, enjoying the company of others, listening to music, making music, reading, reading, reading some more, sleeping a lot, painting, drinking warm drinks, baking, walking, skiing a bit, thinking. this rest is so enjoyable.
today, i didn't do much of anything, but I have spent quite a bit of time thinking the last few days. thinking about the last few months of my life: what I learned, what I did well, what i did poorly. thinking about the next few months of my life: what I want to do well, what I want to get better at, what I want to avoid doing (or doing poorly).
Tonight, I read through my journal of my trip to Peru (the Amazon trip with AIM). That feels like a completely different life to me, even though it was only a year and a half ago. I feel like I was completely different then compared to now. I mean, I couldn't be that different...but I have learned a little bit since then and the people I have met, experiences I have had (even the little ones) have made me quite different.
I don't know. I guess change always surprises me a little.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I am going to make this blog private, I think. For a few reasons...but mostly because I recently started getting a large amount of comments in another language on some old posts.
But, if you still want to read what I write, just tell me, and I can "invite" you so you can access this. I don't really care who reads this...I am just sick of all the strange comments/emails I can't understand (I believe you could just call it spam?).
reading, enjoying the company of others, listening to music, making music, reading, reading, reading some more, sleeping a lot, painting, drinking warm drinks, baking, walking, skiing a bit, thinking. this rest is so enjoyable.
today, i didn't do much of anything, but I have spent quite a bit of time thinking the last few days. thinking about the last few months of my life: what I learned, what I did well, what i did poorly. thinking about the next few months of my life: what I want to do well, what I want to get better at, what I want to avoid doing (or doing poorly).
Tonight, I read through my journal of my trip to Peru (the Amazon trip with AIM). That feels like a completely different life to me, even though it was only a year and a half ago. I feel like I was completely different then compared to now. I mean, I couldn't be that different...but I have learned a little bit since then and the people I have met, experiences I have had (even the little ones) have made me quite different.
I don't know. I guess change always surprises me a little.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I am going to make this blog private, I think. For a few reasons...but mostly because I recently started getting a large amount of comments in another language on some old posts.
But, if you still want to read what I write, just tell me, and I can "invite" you so you can access this. I don't really care who reads this...I am just sick of all the strange comments/emails I can't understand (I believe you could just call it spam?).
Friday, December 18, 2009
changin' it up again
mmm, lots of goodbyes lately.
I am not a fan of saying goodbye, mostly because I am terribly awkward and just bad at farewells. And, when other people get emotional, it makes me uncomfortable if I don't reciprocate the emotion (and every goodbye isn't emotional, but some are). Also, I feel like in my lifetime I will come across the right people at the right times, and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.
I guess it all comes down to my belief that everything is working out for the best.
I am sure everything happens as it should because in my soul I know that we are all connected. We are part of something larger. I know within me that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.
Well, just a few more goodbyes, 1 more test, packing all my stuff, and a terribly long trip to get back home.
ahh...then off to the mountains :)
I am not a fan of saying goodbye, mostly because I am terribly awkward and just bad at farewells. And, when other people get emotional, it makes me uncomfortable if I don't reciprocate the emotion (and every goodbye isn't emotional, but some are). Also, I feel like in my lifetime I will come across the right people at the right times, and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.
I guess it all comes down to my belief that everything is working out for the best.
I am sure everything happens as it should because in my soul I know that we are all connected. We are part of something larger. I know within me that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.
Well, just a few more goodbyes, 1 more test, packing all my stuff, and a terribly long trip to get back home.
ahh...then off to the mountains :)
Friday, December 11, 2009
This is Home
When my life becomes too ordinary, when my perspective of every relationship and every situation gets clouded, and when I forget what my life means, there has only been one place that represents the remedy. I flee from civilization and go to the most natural place I know. I get back to creation. Of all the places I have fled to, Yosemite National Park has created the greatest change. It has helped me to make a new start.
Maybe it is the altitude that makes me feel so refreshed, or perhaps it is the cleaner or thinner air. Reflecting on the natural processes of this creation could be what does it. It might be all of these things, but I really believe it is more than just the creation that can produce such a drastic change in my entire being. The Creator is at work in Yosemite. That is not to say that the Creator is not at work in every other place imaginable, but for me the clarity and beauty of His work is the most undeniably obvious in the wilderness, and in my experience, Yosemite Valley.
After being in the thick, smoky, smoggy air of Los Angeles and a long, air-conditioned drive away from the workings of society, the first step and concurrent first breath of the much purer air of Yosemite brings life and joy not only to my lungs but to my entire being. My whole body, mind, and soul sigh as if I have been travelling and even struggling my whole life to reach this point in time. The best part about this moment is knowing that it is just the beginning of a timeless journey. And it will be a journey, no doubt; travelling from one physical place to another, but also a much grander path from one point of being to another much improved one.
As I walk on this journey, I have the opportunity to meet with our creator in a truly unique way. In my life, I am rarely able to slow down to the degree I can slow down here. In this place, I have extended fellowship with God. There is nothing I could be doing other than just being with and thinking about God, and there is no place where it has ever been easier. There are no friends to talk with, no classes to attend, no homework to do, no music to entertain or books to distract. There is just me—naked, sinful, vulnerable, and weak. In this primitive state, there is no choice but to get back to the foundations of who I am so that Christ can build on that foundation as He will. It seems like a love affair to me. I can sneak away with Him for awhile and nothing other than thoughts of Him enter my mind. During this time, I feel like I am the only one He has eyes for. Of course I am aware that He loves each unique person as much as He loves me, but that is hard to believe in this place because it does not make sense to me how He could possibly have enough love for every person to receive as much as I have.
As I sit in the shade of a tree and watch the entire valley below me and the entire sky above me, I gather a renewed perspective of my life.. In this way, I have the opportunity to think of the world from God’s point of view. Especially when life is difficult, this perspective sharpens my vision of the unseen, and lets the immediate, tangible things drop into proper place. My spiritual defenses are strengthened while I “fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For…what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).
In this place, my creative senses feel awakened. It makes me want to create something, anything. This place makes me want to paint, or sculpt, or make music. Sometimes when I am painting, I am so enveloped in every detail of the image that my face gets so close to the canvas that my nose gets paint on it. It is usually at that instant when I realize that I haven’t seen the painting in its entirety in a while, and I need to step back several feet and see how all the details come together to create an accomplished work. Yosemite is where I can step back to examine the whole canvas of my life.
As I lay on my back watching the illuminated sky and the stars skittering across it, I think about how I am seeing the stars years after they have passed by. I deeply breathe in this incredible mountain air, and I think about how good it is just to be alive. It is in this moment that I can prayerfully consider my life before the Lord. I can think about important decisions that I have to make and the fears that feel like a heavy weight. In this wilderness, God gives me plans and purposes so that I will be ready when opportunity comes. When I swim in the clear mountain lakes, when I sleep on the cliffs staring at the stars, and when I watch the storms of light and color pass by, I feel like every thought comes easier. Every passion that I have is more evident. Life seems simpler. My heart feels at home. I feel prepared to take on whatever may happen next.
I can see not only my own life in an insane lucidity, but I feel like I can make connections in my life from Yosemite. Not only connections in life, but even more so, I feel connected to life itself. When people and the world seem fractured, broken, and isolated, I look around and see how much control the Creator has over absolutely everything, and I am encouraged. I am reminded that there is a plan, a design, and a power beyond the visible world that provides meaning, comfort, and confidence. The air, the rocks, the trees, the open sky all remind me that we are a part of something larger; we are not isolated from one another or the earth and the life on it. From here, I am encouraged to live knowing that we have deep roots in our environment, the earth, and the cycles of nature. From here, I can see how I can live knowing each person and each situation is connected in some way beyond our imagination.
This journey through Yosemite is a great one that I am sure to make many more times in my life, but for now this is enough. I can leave this haven feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I leave purified: without fear and without envy. When I am in a place that screams the beauty and greatness of God like Yosemite does, I have hope that things will fall into place. I have no doubt that transformation takes place in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is not a normal place. This is a deeply spiritual place where God is present. For me, it is a place of transformation, a place to evaluate goals, get direction, make important decisions, and prepare for opportunities to come. It might seem like it is the things that I do in Yosemite that make it so spiritual, but really it is Yosemite that makes me do things that are inherently spiritual.
It is in this place that I am content. It is here that I feel at home. It feels like I have finally found where I belong. Yosemite is a place where I can expect God to meet me. It is a divine place in this material world. It is everything about how the trees, the light, the rocks, the dirt, the air, and the water come together that opens me up to see God most clearly.
Maybe it is the altitude that makes me feel so refreshed, or perhaps it is the cleaner or thinner air. Reflecting on the natural processes of this creation could be what does it. It might be all of these things, but I really believe it is more than just the creation that can produce such a drastic change in my entire being. The Creator is at work in Yosemite. That is not to say that the Creator is not at work in every other place imaginable, but for me the clarity and beauty of His work is the most undeniably obvious in the wilderness, and in my experience, Yosemite Valley.
After being in the thick, smoky, smoggy air of Los Angeles and a long, air-conditioned drive away from the workings of society, the first step and concurrent first breath of the much purer air of Yosemite brings life and joy not only to my lungs but to my entire being. My whole body, mind, and soul sigh as if I have been travelling and even struggling my whole life to reach this point in time. The best part about this moment is knowing that it is just the beginning of a timeless journey. And it will be a journey, no doubt; travelling from one physical place to another, but also a much grander path from one point of being to another much improved one.
As I walk on this journey, I have the opportunity to meet with our creator in a truly unique way. In my life, I am rarely able to slow down to the degree I can slow down here. In this place, I have extended fellowship with God. There is nothing I could be doing other than just being with and thinking about God, and there is no place where it has ever been easier. There are no friends to talk with, no classes to attend, no homework to do, no music to entertain or books to distract. There is just me—naked, sinful, vulnerable, and weak. In this primitive state, there is no choice but to get back to the foundations of who I am so that Christ can build on that foundation as He will. It seems like a love affair to me. I can sneak away with Him for awhile and nothing other than thoughts of Him enter my mind. During this time, I feel like I am the only one He has eyes for. Of course I am aware that He loves each unique person as much as He loves me, but that is hard to believe in this place because it does not make sense to me how He could possibly have enough love for every person to receive as much as I have.
As I sit in the shade of a tree and watch the entire valley below me and the entire sky above me, I gather a renewed perspective of my life.. In this way, I have the opportunity to think of the world from God’s point of view. Especially when life is difficult, this perspective sharpens my vision of the unseen, and lets the immediate, tangible things drop into proper place. My spiritual defenses are strengthened while I “fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For…what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).
In this place, my creative senses feel awakened. It makes me want to create something, anything. This place makes me want to paint, or sculpt, or make music. Sometimes when I am painting, I am so enveloped in every detail of the image that my face gets so close to the canvas that my nose gets paint on it. It is usually at that instant when I realize that I haven’t seen the painting in its entirety in a while, and I need to step back several feet and see how all the details come together to create an accomplished work. Yosemite is where I can step back to examine the whole canvas of my life.
As I lay on my back watching the illuminated sky and the stars skittering across it, I think about how I am seeing the stars years after they have passed by. I deeply breathe in this incredible mountain air, and I think about how good it is just to be alive. It is in this moment that I can prayerfully consider my life before the Lord. I can think about important decisions that I have to make and the fears that feel like a heavy weight. In this wilderness, God gives me plans and purposes so that I will be ready when opportunity comes. When I swim in the clear mountain lakes, when I sleep on the cliffs staring at the stars, and when I watch the storms of light and color pass by, I feel like every thought comes easier. Every passion that I have is more evident. Life seems simpler. My heart feels at home. I feel prepared to take on whatever may happen next.
I can see not only my own life in an insane lucidity, but I feel like I can make connections in my life from Yosemite. Not only connections in life, but even more so, I feel connected to life itself. When people and the world seem fractured, broken, and isolated, I look around and see how much control the Creator has over absolutely everything, and I am encouraged. I am reminded that there is a plan, a design, and a power beyond the visible world that provides meaning, comfort, and confidence. The air, the rocks, the trees, the open sky all remind me that we are a part of something larger; we are not isolated from one another or the earth and the life on it. From here, I am encouraged to live knowing that we have deep roots in our environment, the earth, and the cycles of nature. From here, I can see how I can live knowing each person and each situation is connected in some way beyond our imagination.
This journey through Yosemite is a great one that I am sure to make many more times in my life, but for now this is enough. I can leave this haven feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I leave purified: without fear and without envy. When I am in a place that screams the beauty and greatness of God like Yosemite does, I have hope that things will fall into place. I have no doubt that transformation takes place in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is not a normal place. This is a deeply spiritual place where God is present. For me, it is a place of transformation, a place to evaluate goals, get direction, make important decisions, and prepare for opportunities to come. It might seem like it is the things that I do in Yosemite that make it so spiritual, but really it is Yosemite that makes me do things that are inherently spiritual.
It is in this place that I am content. It is here that I feel at home. It feels like I have finally found where I belong. Yosemite is a place where I can expect God to meet me. It is a divine place in this material world. It is everything about how the trees, the light, the rocks, the dirt, the air, and the water come together that opens me up to see God most clearly.
follow up on that last entry
ah, I must clear up my last clouded, emotional post.
Here's the deal: it is the end of the semester and everyone is feeling like we only have one more week to get to know each other (or at least those of us studying off campus next semester) and yet we all have a bunch of work to do for finals and wrapping up the end of the semester academic work. So, while we want to be with other people what we really need to do is focus on academics (yet still being an encouragement to one another and refreshing each other with a bit of joviality).
I have this crazy opportunity right now to just sit around, read books, have conversations about the books I read, and connect all that I am learning to the Christian life. . . and I yet I tend to forget how incredible of an opportunity this is. I am feeling so grateful for this experience right now, and I am excited to reflect on all that I have learned this semester before I get nice break.
(p.s. it is raining right now. rain always makes me want to stay inside and read with a cup of warm something-or-another, so what better time for rain in sunny California than the weekend before finals?)
Here's the deal: it is the end of the semester and everyone is feeling like we only have one more week to get to know each other (or at least those of us studying off campus next semester) and yet we all have a bunch of work to do for finals and wrapping up the end of the semester academic work. So, while we want to be with other people what we really need to do is focus on academics (yet still being an encouragement to one another and refreshing each other with a bit of joviality).
I have this crazy opportunity right now to just sit around, read books, have conversations about the books I read, and connect all that I am learning to the Christian life. . . and I yet I tend to forget how incredible of an opportunity this is. I am feeling so grateful for this experience right now, and I am excited to reflect on all that I have learned this semester before I get nice break.
(p.s. it is raining right now. rain always makes me want to stay inside and read with a cup of warm something-or-another, so what better time for rain in sunny California than the weekend before finals?)
friends?
Maybe it's just because of finals and the end of the semester, but I am feeling incredibly disconnected from everyone around me. All of the sudden I feel like all my relationships are fake. How well do I really know people...or really, does anyone really know me? and what does "knowing" a person entail? Can anyone actually know me?
I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.
So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.
Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.
This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.
Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.
I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.
So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.
Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.
This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.
Why did it take me so long to figure this out?
p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
mmm....had my last concert tonight...at least for a while...
I can't explain how much I love making music. words don't really work well for that. if you are a lover of making music, you get it. if you love watching people make music, you probably get it too.
Music has the ability to make us more sensitive to beauty and live more closely to an Infinite, beyond this world. This allows us to have something to cling to, and thusly, experience more depth as a person. Music helps us develop more compassion, gentleness, love, and, in short, a greater appreciation of life. . . . i think.
I can't explain how much I love making music. words don't really work well for that. if you are a lover of making music, you get it. if you love watching people make music, you probably get it too.
Music has the ability to make us more sensitive to beauty and live more closely to an Infinite, beyond this world. This allows us to have something to cling to, and thusly, experience more depth as a person. Music helps us develop more compassion, gentleness, love, and, in short, a greater appreciation of life. . . . i think.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
complaints and confession
I've spent almost the entirety of this weekend working on a paper that has wiped away almost any intellectual pride I had. meh. I'm feeling rather defeated right now.
but...now I have to write 25 stinkin' pages about myself and how I write. After the day I've had, it may turn out a little bit negative. oh dear.
oh. and this stupid fridge next to me sounds like a rocket getting ready to launch. and all the lights keep burning out in my room.
but hey, I got to hang out with 2 pretty rockin dogs (and lovely people) for a couple hours tonight. why do animals make me so happy? so strange.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a really irrational fear. Sometimes I will listen to a lecture, sit through a class, or watch a documentary and truly fear that I won't remember it and will forget how to absorb information. I think that I will forget how to learn or digest new ideas. I am seriously scared of this happening. I think that I love new ideas and learning so much that to lose that ability would truly break my heart. but why this fear?
but...now I have to write 25 stinkin' pages about myself and how I write. After the day I've had, it may turn out a little bit negative. oh dear.
oh. and this stupid fridge next to me sounds like a rocket getting ready to launch. and all the lights keep burning out in my room.
but hey, I got to hang out with 2 pretty rockin dogs (and lovely people) for a couple hours tonight. why do animals make me so happy? so strange.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a really irrational fear. Sometimes I will listen to a lecture, sit through a class, or watch a documentary and truly fear that I won't remember it and will forget how to absorb information. I think that I will forget how to learn or digest new ideas. I am seriously scared of this happening. I think that I love new ideas and learning so much that to lose that ability would truly break my heart. but why this fear?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Desiderata ~ OR "Things to be Desired"
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield
you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and
broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield
you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and
broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann
Thursday, December 3, 2009
books. books. i like books.
(after typing that title...the word "book" seems so strange. Say it out loud like 20 times. do it. so weird, right? or say your name out loud to yourself. Why do words sound so weird sometimes? words...I have lots of words to say about words because I like them oh so much. my favorite part about writing is choosing the perfect words to make the reader really experience something...even though I don't always do that on this blog deal. okay, no more rambling...I'll let you read on.)
I was exploring a lovely used book store the other day. (two words I feel must always be associated with a used book store: explore and lovely) My friend and I were searching through the books of poems and I came across one by George Kitching and my friend found one that sparked her interests. We proceeded to read poems out loud to each other until we were finished.
Here's something I kind of liked:
We often hear people dispute respecting the beauty of something. One says it is beautiful, another that it is not; both are evidently sincere. How does the real difference occur ? We will turn to music. Some admire a song, others do not like it; the reason is the same in both cases. The education has been different, and the power of criticism therefore varies; one is evidently inferior in judgment to the other. Now the musician who is perfect in his art has made, as it were, his own mind beautiful; he can therefore feel, as it were, beauties that a less cultured mind cannot apprehend. So it is with art or the appreciation of true beauty. The mind that is most thoroughly cultured in art can see the beauties of a face the best; but there is a beauty of the soul, the inward mind, that only the beautiful in soul can appreciate.
Well, I didn't buy the book; it cost a bit much for me. I found the book on google if you are interested. It doesn't feel quite the same to read poetry (or anything really) from a computer screen as it does from a fragile book worn through by previous readers...oh well. The words are the same I guess...
I was exploring a lovely used book store the other day. (two words I feel must always be associated with a used book store: explore and lovely) My friend and I were searching through the books of poems and I came across one by George Kitching and my friend found one that sparked her interests. We proceeded to read poems out loud to each other until we were finished.
Here's something I kind of liked:
We often hear people dispute respecting the beauty of something. One says it is beautiful, another that it is not; both are evidently sincere. How does the real difference occur ? We will turn to music. Some admire a song, others do not like it; the reason is the same in both cases. The education has been different, and the power of criticism therefore varies; one is evidently inferior in judgment to the other. Now the musician who is perfect in his art has made, as it were, his own mind beautiful; he can therefore feel, as it were, beauties that a less cultured mind cannot apprehend. So it is with art or the appreciation of true beauty. The mind that is most thoroughly cultured in art can see the beauties of a face the best; but there is a beauty of the soul, the inward mind, that only the beautiful in soul can appreciate.
Well, I didn't buy the book; it cost a bit much for me. I found the book on google if you are interested. It doesn't feel quite the same to read poetry (or anything really) from a computer screen as it does from a fragile book worn through by previous readers...oh well. The words are the same I guess...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
"How is it December 2nd already?" seems to be a phrase thrown around a lot today. I have seven days of school left. seven. that is madness. (then a week of finals) I am feeling kind of at home here, happy with the friendships here...I think.
Now I am fleeing to the mountains. I have been thinking that it is kind of bittersweet to be leaving my new friends. But, it is definitely more sweet than bitter. The academics here have been...mediocre so far. I really want everything I know to be challenged; I want to learn to think in a new way. I think the academics at the High Sierra campus will be more challenging for me, and I am thrilled about that. Have I written all this before? I feel like I probably have. Or maybe you are thoroughly confused. I don't know.
I think I like this campus alright. I just like fewer people and more trees better. I also like clean air better.
I am not writing well this evening, and it's annoying me quite a bit. sometimes words come easily for me, and sometimes I can barely grasp the ones I need.
Well, since I don't know what else to write... if you feel like visiting Yosemite or the Ansel Adams Wilderness, you should do so between January and May and come visit me in Bass Lake!
Now I am fleeing to the mountains. I have been thinking that it is kind of bittersweet to be leaving my new friends. But, it is definitely more sweet than bitter. The academics here have been...mediocre so far. I really want everything I know to be challenged; I want to learn to think in a new way. I think the academics at the High Sierra campus will be more challenging for me, and I am thrilled about that. Have I written all this before? I feel like I probably have. Or maybe you are thoroughly confused. I don't know.
I think I like this campus alright. I just like fewer people and more trees better. I also like clean air better.
I am not writing well this evening, and it's annoying me quite a bit. sometimes words come easily for me, and sometimes I can barely grasp the ones I need.
Well, since I don't know what else to write... if you feel like visiting Yosemite or the Ansel Adams Wilderness, you should do so between January and May and come visit me in Bass Lake!
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