Oh, I don't like posting links all the time...but I have spent most of the past 5 days alone, and I want to share with you a lovely blog.
http://intothehermitage.blogspot.com/
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
till they're gone
It is really interesting to me that I don't realize how much I like people until they are gone. I am so apt to take the people I love for granted. You know that feeling you get when you miss someone, and you can feel it deep in your chest somewhere. It kind of feels like heartburn at first or maybe like you are going to gag...but then you realize it's a different part of your body that is uncomfortable. I don't know what part it is...but I can feel it. Somewhere between my throat and stomach.
I just drove for the first time on the LA freeways, and that was quite enjoyable. I dropped my friends off at the airport and then drove back (I almost wrote "drove back home", then that made me a little scared. Isn't there a quote from Garden State about when your home doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place to store your crap? I drove back to school).
I have that feeling right now where I could cry at any moment; (I love semicolons)I would just need a little something to push me, like a song or certain person. Oh, I am happy right now and excited about lots of things...just thinking about how much I like some people and how much I need to tell them that.
I just drove for the first time on the LA freeways, and that was quite enjoyable. I dropped my friends off at the airport and then drove back (I almost wrote "drove back home", then that made me a little scared. Isn't there a quote from Garden State about when your home doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place to store your crap? I drove back to school).
I have that feeling right now where I could cry at any moment; (I love semicolons)I would just need a little something to push me, like a song or certain person. Oh, I am happy right now and excited about lots of things...just thinking about how much I like some people and how much I need to tell them that.
Monday, November 23, 2009
to be alone
I am realizing how worn out I get when I am around other people. Some people feel so energized after being around people, but after awhile I get so tired that I need to be alone again. All those silly tests always say I am introverted (of course I am probably silly for taking all those silly tests)...maybe that has something to do with it.
For instance, today I worked on three group projects, explored the tunnel system of Azusa with some folks, and just sat around for a while with friends, but I was just so tired emotionally that I needed to leave to be alone. Yesterday I went canyoneering in a nearby canyon (don't worry, I had no idea what this was yesterday either...sounds hardcore though, right?), napped, played a concert, watched a movie, hung out with friends...all of these things (except that 30 minute nap) were with other people. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be alone that night.
When I feel like being alone, I get so irritated with other people. I get really negative and think about all the reasons I don't want to be with the people I am with. Then I generally feel pretty bad when I do get to be alone because I was not incredibly kind to the people I was with.
So basically, I could have just told you that I like to be alone sometimes. Instead I over analyzed my entire weekend. and rambled a bunch. (I'll have lots of alone time this week as everyone else is going home to GiveThanks. I plan on reading on rooftops a lot)
oh yea,those silly tests that I mentioned earlier...I love 'em. For school we had to take this "Strengths Quest" which might seem kind of cheesy...well, it is cheesy...but I love it. I always knew the things I was bad at and felt like I needed to fix them, but this test helped me see that parts of my personality are good and should be remembered and thought about as strengths. (if you know anything about this test...I would love to talk to you about it. I love hearing what other people's strengths are. they help you understand people better and see the good in them so easily). I want to tell you all my top 5 strengths right now...but they would mean nothing to most. I like Myers-Briggs too, but I would feel weird telling you how it classifies me without hearing your results...so I'm not going to tell you on here. (you should take it and then we should talk about it! do it!)
For instance, today I worked on three group projects, explored the tunnel system of Azusa with some folks, and just sat around for a while with friends, but I was just so tired emotionally that I needed to leave to be alone. Yesterday I went canyoneering in a nearby canyon (don't worry, I had no idea what this was yesterday either...sounds hardcore though, right?), napped, played a concert, watched a movie, hung out with friends...all of these things (except that 30 minute nap) were with other people. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be alone that night.
When I feel like being alone, I get so irritated with other people. I get really negative and think about all the reasons I don't want to be with the people I am with. Then I generally feel pretty bad when I do get to be alone because I was not incredibly kind to the people I was with.
So basically, I could have just told you that I like to be alone sometimes. Instead I over analyzed my entire weekend. and rambled a bunch. (I'll have lots of alone time this week as everyone else is going home to GiveThanks. I plan on reading on rooftops a lot)
oh yea,those silly tests that I mentioned earlier...I love 'em. For school we had to take this "Strengths Quest" which might seem kind of cheesy...well, it is cheesy...but I love it. I always knew the things I was bad at and felt like I needed to fix them, but this test helped me see that parts of my personality are good and should be remembered and thought about as strengths. (if you know anything about this test...I would love to talk to you about it. I love hearing what other people's strengths are. they help you understand people better and see the good in them so easily). I want to tell you all my top 5 strengths right now...but they would mean nothing to most. I like Myers-Briggs too, but I would feel weird telling you how it classifies me without hearing your results...so I'm not going to tell you on here. (you should take it and then we should talk about it! do it!)
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tonight and the past few days have made me think about how I act in relation to different people.
I am realizing how much more I enjoy being with people one on one than in a group of people. When I am with a group of people, especially people I don't know all that well, I get so incredibly uncomfortable. And it's not only discomfort, but an extreme loneliness. Also if I am with 5 or 6 people that I do know and like really well, I am still not completely myself. I don't talk very much in a group that size, so I just feel disconnected and once again, lonely.
But why do I do this? Why am I not able to be myself completely around everyone? Why does my personality just shut down immediately when I am in a group situation?
It just makes me feel lonely and sad. and wonder why I cannot be myself always.
It makes me want to sleep in a pile.
I am realizing how much more I enjoy being with people one on one than in a group of people. When I am with a group of people, especially people I don't know all that well, I get so incredibly uncomfortable. And it's not only discomfort, but an extreme loneliness. Also if I am with 5 or 6 people that I do know and like really well, I am still not completely myself. I don't talk very much in a group that size, so I just feel disconnected and once again, lonely.
But why do I do this? Why am I not able to be myself completely around everyone? Why does my personality just shut down immediately when I am in a group situation?
It just makes me feel lonely and sad. and wonder why I cannot be myself always.
It makes me want to sleep in a pile.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Heavy heavy heavy
I am learning so much about the pain and suffering in this world. and it hurts so bad. to hear about my brothers and sisters. to hear about God's own creation, made in his image. to hear about people that Christ died for. to hear the horrors that governments and powerful systems have done...
I am doing a research paper on torture and Guantanamo Bay. I am hearing stories about slavery in Azusa. I am watching documentaries on sex-trafficking. documentaries about North Korea. Stories of hurt and pain from around the world that I have heard in the past two weeks are ripping apart my heart.
And yes, it hurts.
I don't usually respond emotionally to anything, really. I immediately start thinking and making connections in my mind and I never give my heart time to respond. I also respond physically. As I sat in the library reading books about Guantanamo, I started shaking.. Violence in books or movies always makes my stomach hurt. At one point, I had to stop reading for fear of throwing up. But...nothing emotionally. nothing.
Until Wednesday night when I went to chapel. As the room began worshipping, I started thinking about all that I had absorbed the past couple weeks. I thought about how many things we do that hurt God. We treat other human beings as if they are less than human...how much that must hurt God to see his beautiful creation being torn apart. And I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I didn't stop throughout the worship. or throughout the speaker. or after I left the building. It took me an hour or two to process it all. Sleep didn't come very easily that night.
Throughout processing this all, I have still found this hope.
That God will take this darkness and turn it into light.
He is bringing about this Shalom. Restoring relationships and community.
My heart just feels so heavy right now.
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p.s. I love the word namaste. "I see God in you" (that's probably an incredibly rough translation...but isn't it beautiful?). You are made in the image of God, and I see that. You are a beautiful creation that reflects all that He is. You are His. ahhhh....so good.
I am doing a research paper on torture and Guantanamo Bay. I am hearing stories about slavery in Azusa. I am watching documentaries on sex-trafficking. documentaries about North Korea. Stories of hurt and pain from around the world that I have heard in the past two weeks are ripping apart my heart.
And yes, it hurts.
I don't usually respond emotionally to anything, really. I immediately start thinking and making connections in my mind and I never give my heart time to respond. I also respond physically. As I sat in the library reading books about Guantanamo, I started shaking.. Violence in books or movies always makes my stomach hurt. At one point, I had to stop reading for fear of throwing up. But...nothing emotionally. nothing.
Until Wednesday night when I went to chapel. As the room began worshipping, I started thinking about all that I had absorbed the past couple weeks. I thought about how many things we do that hurt God. We treat other human beings as if they are less than human...how much that must hurt God to see his beautiful creation being torn apart. And I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I didn't stop throughout the worship. or throughout the speaker. or after I left the building. It took me an hour or two to process it all. Sleep didn't come very easily that night.
Throughout processing this all, I have still found this hope.
That God will take this darkness and turn it into light.
He is bringing about this Shalom. Restoring relationships and community.
My heart just feels so heavy right now.
---------------------------------------------
p.s. I love the word namaste. "I see God in you" (that's probably an incredibly rough translation...but isn't it beautiful?). You are made in the image of God, and I see that. You are a beautiful creation that reflects all that He is. You are His. ahhhh....so good.
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