Build a Castle in the Air

2012-01-19T23:19:00.000-06:00

i'll never do homework again now that I found kinfolk

2012-01-17T12:45:00.000-06:00

Honey Harvest from Kinfolk on Vimeo.

2012-01-11T12:06:00.003-06:00

I am drowning in a seas of philosophy syllabuses.

And I've just realized that I will not be doing much more than scraping by this semester.

Visualizing a Plenitude Economy

2012-01-06T12:37:00.000-06:00

I came across this today. It's something I would love to see in my community and I hope other people are excited about building social capital rather than making the consumer culture a priority in their communities.

Stories

2011-12-26T20:17:00.000-06:00

I'm having one of those days where I just want to do everything possible during my lifetime. I want it all.

I want to travel everywhere and I want to settle down. Single forever. Have a big family. Save the whales. Be a teacher. A farmer. A fisher. An artist. Bike across the US. Bike around Copenhagen. Sail to Patagonia. Bike back. Climb mountains. Plant a garden. Climb El Cap. Be a logger. Be a tree-sitter. Play music in a traveling stage-trailer transformation. Be a zookeeper. A baker. A surgeon. Learn to dance like Robyn. Have a dog. Dogs. Have a pig. Lots of chickens. Don't live in the suburbs. Live in a city. Live in the mountains. Live by the coast. Live in a tent. Live in a commune. Live in a farmhouse. Live alone. Live with 30 other people. 5 other people. Learn my family history. Learn history of blacks in America. Listen to the blues. Love the blues. Learn the stories of the Greeks. Know history of the LGBT community. Read a Hilary Clinton book. Do that Master's Cleanse thing. Write letters. Bake Apricot Butterhorns. Play in an orchestra. Go to the ballet. Know the names of trees. And birds.

I think I could do it all. I get overwhelmed because I'm afraid I'll forget and my life will pass by me without me noticing that I never did what I wanted to do.

Ashes and Ash Trees

2011-12-02T00:09:00.005-06:00

"smile, would you?" she looked at me with her big fishy eyes. teeth hidden under 5 year old lips. My heart leaps. I smile for the first time in a week. She holds the fish together. mouth touching mouth. all I see are 2 eyes and her smile, like a teacup. upside down.

II.

Lost in the mountains

never been here before

i'm lost. i'm wet. i'm tired.

the maps are useless.

my sense of direction is useless

hell, the only things that aren't useless are my legs,

my sense of humor

and this goddamn British accent.

This food, this empty water bottle,

even this frustration, fear is useless.

He is pissing me off. We are laughing.

always.

speaking in British. Bloody hell.

Pumpkin pie and a hot tub

I feel it now.

with whipped cream. yum.

we'll be fine no matter what

a little hungry, a little tired

we'll be okay

we shouldn't have gone this way. oh well

let's just get back.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance.

III.

She's gone?

no. it's not real.

Her smile, her laugh.

Goddammit, here's her phone number

next to her name

here's a note from her

her god-fucking-damn facebook page

she fell? how? what? No.

I just woke up. So confused. gone.

God.

Never see her again. how?

this doesn't happen. not like this.

it's fine. she's fine.

I just talked to her a couple days ago.

Trust your dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity

IV.

utterly still under the falling earth

the world all astir above

a million leaves alive in the wind

and what do we know?

At our dinner together, the dead enter and pass among us in living love and memory.

I began to feel that something was required of me.

Sometimes something would be required that I could do

and I did it.

Sometimes when I didn't know what was required,

I still felt the requirement.

Whatever I did never felt like enough.

Something I knew was large and great would have happened.

Stronger than me all my life.

What could you do?

What could you do that would be anyways near enough?

I could feel the greatness of life and death,

and the great world endless as the sky swelling out

beyond this little one.

And I began again to hear from that requirement

that seems to come from the larger world.

The requirement was telling me,

"Do something for her. Do more than you've ever done.

Do more than you can do."

I came to do something for her, if I could,

and instead she had done something for me,

and I was more in debt to the requirement

than ever.

VI.

O saints, if I am even eligible for this prayer,

though less than worthy of this dear desire,

and if your prayers have influence in Heaven,

let my place there be lower than your own.

I know how you longed, here where you lived

as exiles, for the presence of the essential

Being and Maker and Knower of all things.

But because of my unruliness, or some erring

virtue in me never rightly schooled,

some error clear and dear, my life

has not taught me your desire for flight:

dismattered, pure, and free. I long

instead for the Heaven of creatures, of seasons,

of day and night. Heaven enough for me

would be this world as I know it, but redeemed

of our abuse of it and one another. It would be

the Heaven of knowing again. There is no marrying

in Heaven, and I submit; even so, I would like

to know my wife again, both of us young again,

and I remembering always how I loved her

when she was old. I would like to know

my children again, all my family, all my dear ones,

to see, to hear, to hold, more carefully

than before, to study them lingeringly as one

studies old verses, committing them to heart

forever. I would like again to know my friends,

my old companions, men and women, horses

and dogs, in all the ages of our lives, here

in this place that I have watched over all my life

in all its moods and seasons, never enough.

I will be leaving how many beauties overlooked?

A painful Heaven this would be, for I would know

by it how far I have fallen short. I have not

paid enough attention. I have not been grateful

enough. And yet this pain would be the measure

of my love. In eternity's once and now, pain would

place me surely in the Heaven of my earthly love.

VII.

I stand on the rock, raising my height to half that of my brothers

Reaching with arms outstretched, I graze it's skin

tip toes. almost. got it.

I wrap my arms around its one immovable arm

dancing upwards

always upwards.

We sit forever watching the world below.

an Illinois' mountaintop.

We throw ropes weighted with jewels from the garden

heaving them higher and higher

and like animals we swing to and fro.

watching us play,

the holder of countless pinatas,

bearer of many a 6-year-old experiment,

the hideaway of ghosts on a cold night,

the storehouse of neighborhood treasures.

a grandmother watching us quietly

a friend holding us tightly, wiping our tears

concealer of spies, coverer of the vulnerable.

ash to ashes.

leaves fall each year. and leaves fall for good.

living love and living memories.

that 6 year old, the watched, the vulnerable, the playful

won't forget. not ever.

Occupy

2011-11-13T01:22:00.000-06:00

There have been so many criticisms of this movement, and I have been among the criticizers for far too long. Americans have been in a dry spell of democratic power, and we've been pretty nihilistic. Clearly, something is wrong here. This system doesn't work. Maybe the people who are occupying are just bored or unemployed or whatever, but it seems like most of them have been hurt by the system's faults and have experiences and stories that are valuable. And, it is true that everyone who is part of Occupy is there for a different reason, and that seems to stem from a problem that is so complex that it manifests itself in millions of ways.

Here is some more media coverage, but if you really want to know what is happening, just go to the occupy movement in your city. They'd love to tell you what they're doing and why they are there.

Stories of the 99%

Tumblr - http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

Twitter - http://www.occupationalist.org/

Commentaries I found helpful

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/paul-loeb/from-occupy-wall-street-t_b_1085255.html

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2011/10/poll-most-americans-support-occupy-wall-street/246963/

http://www.thestreet.com/story/11305424/1/occupy-wall-street-actually-in-the-1.html

http://blogs.berkeley.edu/2011/11/08/occupy-now-what/

http://www.businessweek.com/news/2011-11-10/occupy-protesters-inject-income-inequality-into-political-debate.html

Occupy Los Angeles (OLA)

http://occupylosangeles.org/

http://www.olapeoplescollectiveuniversity.org/

2011-11-13T01:06:00.000-06:00

p.s. been listening to the most unlikely of music. this girl...

2011-11-05T15:09:00.002-05:00

this is home
where I breathe deep,
speak softly, think clearly
where the obstacle of electric lights,
and the distraction of the things
we use to distract ourselves
are made obsolete.
when we speak, we listen
when we see, we look
when we hear, we understand.
where god is not far off int he sky
the divine is here
in your eyes
in the rush of water
in the history of the age-old trees.
where we can laugh without competition
find truth without restraint
and play without inhibition.
this is our home.
yours and mine.
of the sycamore and the locusts
of the orb weavers and lady-beetles
of the treacherous mosquitoes
and the pleasing lichen.
welcome home.

this is not home.

we do not belong here.

we cannot breathe too deep.

we speak loudly, over planes, buses, yelling, pleading.

our thinking is clouded,

overwhelmed by stimuli too great to hear ourselves.

the obstacle of electric lights.

the distraction of the things we use to distract

are more obvious than life itself.

when we speak,

there is no space between head, mouth, and heart.

when we see

it is informed by each experience, word, conversation, laugh, look.

when we hear, it is everything yet nothing.

where god is different to each person, and

sometimes hard to find beneath this rubble.

the divine is here, though,

in the slow, soft-spoken conversation in dim light after hours,

in the generations upon generations in the back closets of this old house,

in the grief-filled yet joyful stories of the soul that have lived ages beyond us.

where I laugh carefully, knowing the world beyond the laughter.

dig deeply for truth beyond the facade of lies.

and play, when we lay aside the hurt,

lay aside the grime, but never forget

this is not home, no.

but it's where we are and where we will be.

where we are face to face with our screw-ups, and misguided decisions

where we move on or sit still, never without a deep breath

with a gentle confidence

and with stories of years past holding our hands.

2011-10-18T20:06:00.002-05:00

I cry easily these days. I don't sleep much most days. I sleep too much other days.

A series of things in my life lately has made my heart a little softer and my reactions a lot gentler.

A beautiful story, a sad story, a friend in pain, confusion, the terrors of our society woven so intricately it seems impossible to ever untangle. I cry easily.

Today, I planted all the seedlings in the bed I am working on at the garden. I was so excited. It is going to be beautiful. Hell, it already is beautiful. There are two trellises, they are my favorite, for the snap peas. They will look better covered in peas. I am going to fill in all the holes with seeds on Thursday. I'm excited for the problem solving involved in protecting these plants from harm and helping them to grow the best they can. I'm excited for the kids to see it and harvest and eat!

Here is photo of the first day of the little seedlings in their new home.

And, there are some days when I like LA, like this one day when I took this photo.

scholia

2011-10-06T00:33:00.003-05:00

Lately, I've been super excited about all that I'm learning.

Today, I sat in on a trial at the LA court house. The trial was about a gang murder. I was learning so much the whole time, I felt like I was in a classroom, except I was learning everything in a simplified, rational, question/answer argument. I wish I would have gone to a trial when I was younger...I probably would have had the dream of becoming an attorney. With my terrible knack for argument and need for logic, I would have had high dreams of defending the rights of others. Things are probably better off this way. Fun fact: Today was the Dr. Murray/ Michael Jackson trial at the courthouse too...lots of cameras and protesters and stuff...wooo LA.

And oh man, I am learning so much at the garden. I have learned about different techniques in amending soil and been able to practice them in my own project of a 3x30 foot bed! I've learned a bit about permaculture. I was introduced to the Three Sisters technique of gardening (which is genius...you should check it out). I am learning about harvesting, and bugs, and nitrogen, and native plants, and whole bunches of other garden stuff that you probably aren't super interested in. I'll try to remember to take pictures of the garden tomorrow, so I can share it with y'all. The melon patch, pumpkin patch, and strawberry patch are looking awful fine these days. (And it rained all day today, so it will look mighty fine tomorrow, I bet.)

I have just finished my first class for the semester, and I am onto the next, and it's going to be great. I just have the feeling. I will probably share more about it later. It's called Urban Religious Movements.

what a day

2011-09-27T22:30:00.003-05:00

to be a better friend.

to love deeply.

to laugh without hesitation.

to play without holding anything back.

to greet others with joy and excitement.

to take life in moment by moment.

to not take any person for granted.

to not take any day for granted.

to not be bitter.

to recognize the beautiful things more often than the terrible.

to celebrate everyday.

to have magic, wonder, excitement, hope each day.

What an interesting day today has been. I mourned the loss of a friend, celebrated the life of my grandmother on her birthday (cheers to you Grams, if you're reading!), started an internship at an awesome garden with the awesome-est kids, felt the connection of a vast community of friends and companions as we mourned together.

It's one of those days when your heart sits a little deeper down in your body, closer to your stomach than before.

When your vision is kind of blurry all day and you make other people a little bit more aware of their humanity every time the floodgates open.

When you say, "this f#$%ing sucks" about a millions times.

When your stomach hurts for no physical reason.

When you want to be better the next day than you were the day before.

When you talk a little slower.

When you are more comfortable with silence.

When you appreciate the people you love more than the day before.

When you express your love more freely.

2011-09-26T22:48:00.002-05:00

I don't usually just write about my day-to-day life, but I think I'm going to do that.

So, I have classes Monday, Wednesday, Friday. The class on M/W is six hours, but most of it is spent outside of the classroom, somewhere in LA. For example, today's class was about homelessness, so we read articles of differing opinions before class and wrote about our reaction, then in class we went to Skid Row, where homelessness has been somewhat contained in LA, and we had to just walk around and talk to people. I talked to a man about his opinions on the Missions in the area, and then we had to go work at a Mission as a group afterwards. It was super interesting to hear the viewpoints of the homeless people for whom the services are provided, as well as the viewpoints of the people working in the Missions providing services to the homeless. Other days we learned about health care and visited LA County health center and watched Sicko, we learned about education and visited a charter school, we learned about public transportation and visited the Bus Rider's Union and the Metro Transit Authority (groups of somewhat opposing interests and opinions). It's good for me to learn these things outside of the normal form of education--books and lectures. It seems like a more comprehensive form of education because it involves my brain in reading and writing and thinking critically, but it does not forget the emotional/sentient side of my humanity. I can see, hear, feel, and touch this issues. I feel things deeply rather than just think about them deeply.

T/Th I will work at a garden at an elementary school (for class credit). Tomorrow is my first day! I couldn't be more excited. I made some white bean hummus to share with the other interns for lunch. mmmm, yes.

This past weekend, I had the most wonderful opportunity to get out of LA for a very short while. I met some dear friends after class and drove east to Joshua Tree National Park. Campfire, slept outside, breathed deeply, basked in the 105 degree heat and full-on sun of the desert all day, and climbed all the next day, laughed all the next day, ate some super tasty pizza. It was the most perfectly refreshing weekend I could have asked for. Now I'm back to LA...which is growing on me.

That's all I got, folks.

word vomit.

2011-09-13T22:50:00.002-05:00

I miss the woods real bad.

I miss being able to confidently inhale deeply and know that you will feel better.

The safety of the trees. The stars. Critters. Having the people you want to hang out with most a walking distance away at all hours of the day. Mountain people. Swimming in alpine lakes. Wildflowers. Dirt. Being dirty (rather than grimy). My friends.

It's harder to be my honest self here.

I feel tired, upset, on edge most of the time.

I feel useless.

unknown.

alone.

I feel much more alone among the masses of people in the city than when I am alone in the mountains.

just trying to figure things out. and get things out.

City of Angels, Valley of Smoke

2011-09-10T00:09:00.003-05:00

The city.

A new city, to me.

There is something unsettled and uneasy inside of me. I have to learn to be myself, and to be a person that I want to be in a new environment. There are moments when I fit in with all the cogs in this machine rather than being me.

I feel myself hardening, already. My words come out of my mouth more harshly than before. The content of my words bring less love, gratitude, and joy than before. Criticism and judgment have replace the gems that used to fill my mind and words.

I've sat on many buses in my life, but now the bus becomes my bus. I've stood on many corners and crossed many streets, but now these corners and these streets are my home. And, at first glance (and many glances after), it doesn't seem like a place fit to be called home, but it must be and will be for a while, while I embrace that idea with little enthusiasm.

I am the luckiest to have a peaceful and quiet home where it is safe to walk around the block at night. It is a secret niche and haven that seems separate from the chaos of this city. I have a kitchen full of delicious and healthy food. I have a balcony that is perfect for reading books on in the evenings.

This life seems contrived to me. City life. Like we are all playing a big game of make-believe. Except no one would ever, in their right mind, dream of a place like this to live, to grow, to bring new lives into.

And I guess my few months here will hopefully be filled with making lives less contrived. I am living in a community inside of the larger one of the city. I, hopefully, will be learning things that help me understand the effects of living in our make-believe world. And, although I will not be stopping the contrived living, I will either be lessening the effects, or teaching youngsters that there is another way to live. We will see how this plays out.

2011-09-01T21:04:00.001-05:00

Though we have life, it is beyond us. We do not know how to have it, or why. We do not know what is going to happen to it, or us. It is not predictable; though we can destroy it, we cannot make it. It cannot, except by reduction and the grave risk of damage, be controlled. It is, as Blake said, holy. To think otherwise is to enslave life, and to make, not humanity, but a few humans its predictably inept masters.

(Wendell Berry "Life is a Miracle")

Thy life's a miracle. Speak yet again.

(King Lear, IV,iv,55)

2011-08-21T23:19:00.002-05:00

It is such a strange feeling. To be in a place with so many people in such close proximity, yet to only know a couple. How strange it is to spend three months in the presence of a handful of soulful, creative, joyful people 24 hours every day, then to sit on a plane for a few hours and be so separate from all of them. I feel disconnected to be sitting in the house I grew up in, the place I will always call home, yet feel so far from the people who have known me best lately.

Good-byes stir up fearsome emotions inside of me. It is a terrible thing to leave the people you love and the places that fill special nooks and crannies in one's heart. If I could have one wish it would be to have a party with everyone whom I love, everyone who is important to me. People who know me nearly better than I know myself, and people who I have met once, yet we caught that look in each other's eye that marked what could be a lovely friendship. The party would last forever, and we would laugh, cry, drink, eat, dance, swim, make music, build tree houses, dip our feet in rivers, tickle the bellies of fishes, jump from rocks into seemingly magical pools of water, ride bikes down hills and not have to ride back up, lay in fields of lupines, and we would never want to be anywhere else or with anyone else. And new people would come and would fit in perfectly. And we would greet them with unequaled joy and excitement. And we would never have to say goodbye. We wouldn't need to wear shoes. One day. . .

I feel like I have two weeks off from life. Two weeks to take care of myself. To wash all the things I own--tangible and intangible, to clear my thoughts, to reflect, to write, to make music, to remember the good, to discern the bad, to dream, to enjoy the few days where I have to be nowhere and do nothing.

a new skin. a new soul.

2011-06-29T16:05:00.002-05:00

a brief life update.

my life is full. an absolutely good thing.

I am constantly struck by the fact that what seems profoundly important to me seems of no importance whatsoever to most people, and what seems important to so many people seems trivial to me.

I find so much joy in the kids I get to hang out with. There is life in them and in our interactions together that is undeniably a beautiful beautiful thing. They may have the ability to frustrate me until I want to curl up in a ball and hide. They also have the ability to make me laugh harder than anyone else.

I feel so much sadness-so so much sadness-when I hear the pain and sorrow these young children have had to bear in their short lives. I think I daily cry tears of joy and tears of sadness. I feel so much anger and hatred toward the cause(s) of the sorrow. Yet, I'm not quite sure what to do with these emotions, so they just stay inside for now.

And mostly, I feel tired. But, it is a rewarding feeling. When I lay down at night, every muscle in my body knows it has worked hard and my mind wants nothing more than to take a break. Each day feels like two. Each week feels like four. And yet, what seems like yesterday was actually a month ago.

this is home
where I breathe deep,
speak softly, think clearly
where the obstacle of electric lights,
and the distraction of the things
we use to distract ourselves
are made obsolete.
when we speak, we listen
when we see, we look
when we hear, we understand.
where god is not far off int he sky
the divine is here
in your eyes
in the rush of water
in the history of the age-old trees.
where we can laugh without competition
find truth without restraint
and play without inhibition.
this is our home.
yours and mine.
of the sycamore and the locusts
of the orb weavers and lady-beetles
of the treacherous mosquitoes
and the pleasing lichen.
welcome home.

life. violence. hope.

2011-05-23T23:29:00.003-05:00

There are a few things I have been wanting to write about on here.

First, a very recent incident.

It is night. I am sitting on the step on the porch outside my front door. I am thinking about how the depth of my relationships at home are quite different from other relationships. I am thinking about how these suburbs tend to create an energy of lifelessness. I feel almost lonely without the stars to comfort me at night. I feel unprotected without any mountains or trees surrounding me. It just feels lifeless. I sit a little more, still looking at the sky. I hear noises behind me on the porch near the light. I look and there is beetle the size of teaspoon crawling around, moths chasing each other, and tiny creatures of all disgusting shapes and sizes congregating beneath the buzzing light. Life! I look away. My eyes catch movement in the dirt in the garden next to me. A worm slides in and out of the soil. Life, movement, breath. Ahhh! Joy. I take a deep breath. How could I have forgotten the tiny creatures and even the organisms? I am looking at a beautifully crafted spider web running from the leaves and branches of the shrub next to me to the wall of the house to another lamp hanging from the house. I think how spiders are such fantastic creatures. I look down and a nose and two beady eyes make contact with my two (probably also beady) eyes. The opossum skitters away with equal surprise and fear that causes me to jump to my feet. We were not expecting to meet one another here! I softly offer an apology to the opossum if he can hear me still, and head inside. I get it. That's enough for tonight.

----------------------------------------------

Another also recent incident. A lesson on violence:

I like animals a lot. Well, that doesn't really suffice. I am enchanted, intrigued, and nearly always in awe of the life and sentience of the animals around me. For the first time in several years, I am fishing on a boat with my dad and brother. I have a reel and rod in hand, and I'm ready to go. In the past, I have despised fishing. I get antsy sitting around waiting. I get frustrated because I feel like I am not doing it right and I don't understand it. And the worst part, I rarely catch any fish. But, this time is different. I am determined to enjoy fishing. I am not antsy. I am prepared to sit around and wait. I think of things differently. I get to enjoy nature, the water, the trees, maybe a good chance to try to learn the different birds in the area. I look at it as a learning experience. (This means a lot of questions from me--sorry dad). So the reel and rod in hand. Now I need bait. The worms. I used to love this when I was little. I would stick my hand in the bucket and catch a minnow and help put it on the hook. It was so fun. Why have things changed? I open the plastic container and choose the worm that will forcefully be offering his life as a sacrifice for...well probably nothing, because I probably won't catch a darn thing. I offer my apologies to him before I turn him on his back and prick the metal point through his skin, into his body, and out the other side. ouch. I toss out the line. Okay, I can do this. Phew. Sigh. "Whit, you have a bite!" Ah, okay. Tug, spin the thingamabobber, keep it tight, you got it. Okay, it's out of the water. Oh, it's beautiful. The bluegill with its lovely yellow belly. Okay, what do I do? Uh, Dad...you touch it! The hook, it look like it hurts! Oh, he swallowed it. I turn my head, I feel the hook in my stomach too, I groan and moan. Ah, it's been out of the water too long. Ah, the hook shouldn't be in his stomach. I'm so sorry. There is blood. I made him bleed. He is back in the water. I'm so sorry. So sorry.

I sit in silence for a few seconds. Breath. Sigh. No tears (but close). I think Sheesh that was violent. Then I think Why can't a just be like everyone else and just catch the damn fish and throw it back? Fishing is not supposed to make me feel this many emotions.
So, I try to be like everyone else. I keep tossing out a line for the next couple hours. I catch several more fish. No more hooks in the stomach, no more blood. A few torn mouths.
I like sitting in the boat. I like watching the birds and listening to their songs. I liked watching that Musky snag the Bluegill from the line. I liked watching the fish jump in and out of the water in a [violent(...yet not necessarily bad violence)] fury of feeding. I like the sun and the clouds. But, I don't think I like killing the worms over and over again. And I don't think I like tricking the fish just to put them right back where I took them from. (I might like it a little more if I was trying to catch my dinner.) There's too much life to just fool around with it...at least for me.

--------------------------------------------------

One more thing I've been wanting to write about. Hope.

About a year and a half ago, I was spending several hours by myself (for lack of a better word) in Yosemite Valley. It was January and I wanted to see the bottom of lower Yosemite Falls as I had never seen them at this time of year. There are no other people on the trail until I get to the bridge in front of the falls. There is a young girl on the bridge and she looks at me curiously as I watch the falls. I keep walking and as I pass her she says the letters "H-O-P-E." I look at her and I say, "excuse me?" thinking I had misunderstood her. She said, "Hope! I said hope." Then she smiled at me kind of smugly then ran off in the opposite direction. I stood there kind of taken aback. I found a nice spot near the stream for the next couple hours. My interaction with that girl has been haunting me for the past year and a half. I guess I am trying to figure out what it means, but I don't want to make it more than it was. However, it is undeniable that the idea of hope has been and continues to run through my mind continuously.

The past couple days, I have been thinking about some of my thoughts regarding hope currently.
Wendell Berry sums up the meaning of hope (or lack of ) for me in the past few months:

Yes, though hope is our duty,
let us live a while without it
to show ourselves we can.
Let us see that, without hope,
we are still well. Let hopelessness
shrink us to our proper size.
Without it we are half as large
as yesterday, and the world
is twice as large. My small
place grows immense as I walk
upon it without hope.
Our springtime rue anemones
as I walk among them, hoping
not even to live, are beautiful
as Eden, and I their kinsman
am immortal in their moment.

I have been taught that hope is necessary, that without it there is no reason to live, no reason for joy. However, I am beginning to think that perhaps hope leads away from living presently to a state that denies who and where we are right now toward something imaginary. We have no agency, power, control over the future. I don't hope that my thirst will be quenched and I can go on living and yet never drink water. I just do it, I drink water. By realizing that we do have power, we do not have to simply "hope." We can do something and we should do something about what we love. And a loss of hope does not make life bad or unbearable. Life is good. We are complex creatures and can hold several emotions at once. As Wendell says, a wonderful thing happens when you give up on hope. You realize you never really needed it.

[a disclaimer: Everything I write is mere jibber-jabber, thoughts, meanderings. I am a hypocrite. Perhaps, and hopefully ;) I will turn my meager philosophies into action once I muster up the courage and get rid of some fear]

Annie Dillard and the Present

2011-05-15T22:59:00.003-05:00

Annie Dillard is a genius. I thought I would share some of her thoughts with you.

I sip my coffee. I look at the mountain, which is still doing its tricks, as you look at a still-beautiful face belonging to a person who was once your lover in another country years ago: with fond nostalgia, and recognition, but no real feeling save a secret astonishment that you are now strangers. Thanks. For the memories. It is ironic that the one thing that all religions recognize as separating us from our creator--our very self-consciousness--is also the one thing that divides us from our fellow creatures. It was a bitter birthday present from evolution, cutting us off at both ends.

Catch it if you can. The present is an invisible electron; its lightning path traced faintly on a blackened scree is fleet, and fleeing, and gone.

Experiencing the present purely is being emptied and hollow; you catch grace as a man fills his cup under a waterfall.

Consciousness itself does not hinder living in the present. In fact, it is only to a heightened awareness that the great door to the present opens at all. Even a certain amount of interior verbalization is helpful to enforce the memory of whatever it is that is taking place.

Self-Consciousness, however, does hinder the experience of the present. It is the one instrument that unplugs all the rest. So long as I lose myself in a tree, say, I can scent its leafy breath or estimate its board feet of lumber, I can draw its fruits or boil tea on its branches, and the tree stays tree. But the second I become aware of myself at any of these activities--looking over my own shoulder, as it were--the tree vanishes, uprooted from the spot and flung out of sight as if it had never grown. And time, which had flowed down into the tree bearing new revelations like floating leaves at every moment, ceases. It dams, stills, stagnates.

Self-consciousness is the curse of the city and all that sophistication implies. It is the glimpse of oneself in a storefront window, the unbidden awareness of reactions on the faces of other people--the novelist's world, not the poet's. I've lived there. I remember what the city has to offer: human companionship, major-league baseball, and a clatter of quickening stimulus like a rush from strong drugs that leaves you drained. I remember how you bide your time in the city, and think, if you stop to think, "next year . . . I'll start living; next year . . . I'll start my life." Innocence is a better world.

Innocence sees that this is it, and finds it world enough, and time. Innocence is not the prerogative of infants and puppies, and far less of mountains and fixed stars, which have no prerogatives at all. It is not lost to us; the world is a better place than that. Like any other of the spirit's good gifts, it is there if you want it, free for the asking, as has been stressed by stronger words than mine.

What I call innocence is the spirit's unself-conscious state at any moment of pure devotion to any object. It is at once a receptiveness and total concentration.

These are our few live seasons. Let us live them as purely as we can, in the present.

(from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, Annie Dillard, 1974, chapter 6 "The Present")

2011-05-01T12:09:00.003-05:00

It has been awhile since I've written anything. This semester is coming to end, my second year of college is coming to an end.

Last week, I was camping in Yosemite for spring break, and I think I came to a few realizations and began to understand this semester better.

First, I feel radically different when I am in the mountains, in the forest, away from city life. I feel like I am home (this Greek idea of nostos). Something in my soul and body just feels right, feels at peace. I can slow down in body and mind, I can think clearly, I act more loving, in fact, I feel more capable of loving. And, I don't know if that is just me or if all humans are more at home away from civilization (whether or not we all recognize it). I'm in the woods again this weekend, at a friend's cabin, and I'm reading Thoreau's Walden once again. This just seems how life should be. . .just lazing around on the weekend, waking up slow, drinking a cup of coffee on the porch, walking by the river, playing with the dog, reading in the hammock, watching the birds.

Second, I've realized some of my spiritual frustrations. January started with me having questions about God or the divine or whatever you want to call it. And this caused me major stress and frustration. The thing that confused me most was that other people are okay with not knowing answers about God, they are not deeply frustrated and troubled by not knowing. I think Christianity had pounded it into my mind that knowledge and understanding of the divine is of utmost importance, that knowing God is foundational. More so, I had been told that God loved me and I think this was something that I relied heavily on. Then, thinking that maybe I had just made this god-figure up in my mind, that maybe all I had been told was bullshit, my understanding of the world and my understanding myself was rearranged. And that change, not just the questions themselves, is what caused the stress.

There's so much running through my mind--relational, life, humanity, love, hobbies and distraction, God, meditation, community, education, arrogance, shmarrogance. Maybe I will be able to write something cohesive on it one day. For today, just this smattering.

if this isn't a good way to spend a Sunday afternoon, I don't know what is...

2011-02-25T16:40:00.008-06:00

It's a rainy day in southern California, a luxury we rarely come upon. After biking to class this morning, I tried to hide in the library to see if the rain would stop, and eventually, I had to pony up, button my sweater and bike back home in a flurry of shivers. But after changing into dry clothes, making a pot of tea, turning on some lovely rainy-day tunes to accompany the pitter-patter of the rain, and reading a little something, I am comfortably sitting here writing on my blog--what a strange word. I always find myself embarrassed to say it aloud. I like where it came from: a web log. It's like we are all posting our log entries onto a huge web for the general use of spiders everywhere. And while it is a tad embarrassing, the connection and sharing of delights outweighs my discomfort with the word.

Onwards.

I am continually finding myself in an odd state of in-betweenness, and I think I might have an idea for the reason behind this feeling of flux, but it is still brewing and not nearly finished, but I might mention it later. I feel enveloped in this world of in-betweenness in my mind with beliefs about God, humanity, the earth. I feel locked between decisions about what I will be doing this summer, what I will be doing in the fall, and even after that. I have changed my focus of study in school, and I never seem to be sure of decisions. There is little comfort in not knowing. And I don't mind be tossed about with the wind and waves; I understand that happens, but there is this invisible force or pressure, I guess, discouraging being tossed about. Our society seems to value knowing what to do, how to do it, how you want to do it--all for the purpose of progress. And yet, I am feeling more and more pulled away from this desire for progress, especially at the pace I feel pressured to move.

I wanted to put some photos up for the sharing of delights. My roommates and I decided to drive to the Redwoods up near Crescent City, California this past weekend (where I have heard that the trees go right into the ocean...sounds lovely). But, after a few hours of driving, we decided to go to a familiar place that we love. It looks a little like Narnia. There are people we care about there. . . and it cost a lot less to drive there. Here are a couple photos from the weekend: (Mariposa Grove in Yosemite)

2011-02-08T01:21:00.002-06:00

I just want to share about my afternoon. . . because it was a lovely afternoon.

A friend and I went to the beach when the sun was going down. We went to the beach because we like running, but we are bored with running on the streets and hills around our apartment. So, at the beach, we put our backpacks down and we just started running up the beach.
I don't have shoes on and I feel so free. The sand on my bare feet, and the tide comes up and my feet get wet and I splash around. We run, and I feel good. Like I can run a marathon. I feel alive and I feel free. It smells like the ocean, the air feels like the ocean, and running feels like the perfect thing to be doing.
We run until the beach is all rocks, and we can't run any further. Growing up surrounded by land, I have spent very little time by the sea. So, we explore the tide pools. I am sure this is an incredible normal thing to do for people who live by the ocean, but I was in awe. The tide pools are breathtaking--life is just bustling. Anemones everywhere. It just looks like dirt on the rocks, but you touch them and they move... a clear sign of life. The mussels just cover the rocks and they are so strong. so strong. and a bunch of other stuff I don't know the names of. I just stared and poked my fingers and oooooed and awwwed for as long as my feet could stand the pokey rocks.
Then we ran back to our backpacks, took off a layer of clothes, and jumped in the chilly ocean. We are alive. The sand on my toes, the breath in my lungs, the water hitting against my skin as it breaks, the ocean sucking my body under and then gasping for air as I come, the laughter and joy shared with a dear friend. I am alive.

. . . speaking of oceans . . .

A friend and I were laying in the sun on the grass the other day. She looks at me and says, "If you were a part of the earth--like a feature of the earth, what would you be?" We both gave our answers and chatted about it for a while, but we both agreed we would definitely not want to be the ocean. We weren't even sure that a person could be like the ocean. There is something about it that is absolutely terrifying to me. It is mysterious, and it can seem peaceful, but it is strong and powerful. I know so little about it. It's size is enough to terrify me. And when I was swimming today and at one point I got pulled under, I was reminded of the mysterious and fear-inducing creature I was in...but at the same time, enraptured by its beauty and peace.

2011-01-31T00:03:00.002-06:00

These past 15 years of schooling have taught me to do one thing very well: to obey and to be afraid to disobey.

I write papers in which every paragraph is outlined for me, and I want nothing more than to choose one thing from that paper and write a book about that one thing. Rather I have to cover dozens upon dozens of subjects and I must only use a certain amount of pages and only a certain author and I must be done by tomorrow at 5 pm and blahbidy blahbidy blah.

obedience. and I continue to obey. . . for fear of bad grades? what are grades but one man or woman's judgment of my ideas? No. They are not judging my ideas. They are judging how well I can repeat their own personal ideas and beliefs in my own words.

I don't want to do this anymore. obey. learn things I have heard thousands of times when there are so many things I don't know. Do exactly what they tell me f0r the purpose of pleasing them.

It is tiring. It is making me lifeless. thoughtless. It makes me feel weak that I cannot replicate what they want me to. "I have other ideas, I swear. Good thoughts, too. I just am not capable of replicating what you want because I am not you. I am not you. I do not share the same beliefs as you.. I do not share the same experiences. We have read different books and met different people."

The university is creating so many docile, obedient young men and women.

from clouds to cactus

2011-01-13T22:16:00.002-06:00

So, I'm back in civilization after an entire year in a small secluded community in the Sierra. I went from a community of about 40 friends to about 5,200 people (mostly strangers). And I am so overwhelmed.

Problem 1: I cannot focus on anything because there is so much going on all the time. If I am having a conversation with someone, countless people walk by and interrupt the conversation, so every conversation feels disjointed. There is so much sensual stimulation. So much to look at and hear, and it makes me unfocused. Even my mind seems to be moving 10 times faster than usual. I try so hard to think of only one thing at a time, but so many other things pop up in my mind.

Problem 2: I am at a Protestant Christian school, and I'm not all that sure how I feel about Protestant Christianity right now. I just have so many questions that going to chapel 3 times a week and attending bible classes 5 days a week turns my mind into a substance similar to cottage cheese. I dropped a bible class today and replaced it with world geography. Being in a room full of Christians raising their hands in worship and offering affirmative grunts during prayer makes me more uncomfortable than I've been in a long time. I stay after classes to talk with professors about my questions. I talk to my friends. I read lots and lots. I take time alone to think. and I just get more and more confused.

Problem 3: For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no desire to go to class or do homework. Usually I am excited to learn more, but not now. I am excited about one class. The teacher is a wonderfully radical feminist and I am completely enchanted by her. I hope we become friends...but other than that class, the rest all feel kind of ridiculous.

But...there are some great things going on too:

1. I live in an apartment with 2 other girls. We go shopping at George's and buy cheap, tasty produce and grains. And we eat dinner together and have people over for dinner. And we drink lots of tea. And there is lots of art on the walls and little, shimmery Christmas lights. And we struggle with being human together, and we laugh together. we laugh almost as much as we drink tea. and we are a long walk from campus, which is just perfect.

2. The foothills look so pretty. It is almost 80 degrees and sunny, and I wear a tank top during the day, and it feels so lovely. The foothills are green and I feel like they are surrounding me and protecting me here. I kind of feel like they are giving me a big, happy hug every morning. And the tip of the mountains are dusted in snow at the tops, and they look mystical.

3. I have on a new homemade beanie, and it is keeping my head warm. The window is open and a nice breeze is blowing in. The sky is clear, and the moon and Venus are watching over me. Sigur Ros is playing in the background. And my tummy is happy from a tasty lentil soup and red tea. and no matter how bitter and confused I am, I am still incredibly happy to be alive. What a blessing it is to be alive, to be able to feel something, to feel love, to feel discomfort, to believe and disbelieve.

4. My friends challenge me a lot. Friends near and friends far. About reality, about truth, about God, about humans, about animals, about sex, about gender, about good, and evil and money and happiness and ... everything really.

5. I'm going on top of a mountain on Saturday. Yessssss!

2011-01-03T23:23:00.002-06:00

I have thought for a long time now that if, some day, the increasing efficiency for the technique of destruction finally causes our species to disappear from the earth, it will not be cruelty that will be responsible for our extinction and still less, of course, the indignation that cruelty awakens and the reprisals and vengeance that it brings upon itself . . . but the docility, the lack of responsibility of the modern man, his base subservient acceptance of every common decree. The horrors that we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untamable men are increasing in number throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men.

George Bernanos, French novelist and journalist and man

"this is the s*** memories are made of"

2010-12-13T12:54:00.007-06:00

Dearest Emerald Cove,

It has been 12 months now that I have known you--one full year. I have spent each day with you. I thought it would take me a while to feel at home here, at least a couple weeks, but within the first hour of being here, I knew I had never felt so at home in a place.
You've seen me change dramatically. At my best and my worst. You've seem my cry like a child and play a child. You've also seen me cry like an adult and learn and teach like an adult.

In January, there was no way you could get me to dance in front of anybody. Now, in December, you couldn't stop me from dancing if the right beat comes on.

I am capable of being more gentle with others and with myself. I have more endurance with ideas and thoughts, with relationships, and even with physical activity now. I realize how blessed I am in the things I took for granted before.

I have acquired a love for a simple life, and that includes more than just materials I possess. I have a passion for a simplicity of mind that I will continue to learn about and practice.

I learned to be extroverted. Loving others and serving others often means not being the introvert I wish to be and am naturally inclined to be.

I learned to let myself be loved by others. To take compliments and believe in myself. I learned that I have value.

I learned to love others. all others, not just people like me. I learned to love people that really piss me off.

I learned how to navigate the night sky! I know constellations now. byah!

I learned to have a much freer spirit. To adventure everyday. To dress up in silly costumes a lot. To laugh a lot. To cry a lot. To really throw everything I am into relationships.

I learned to love rock-climbing. A vertical dance on rocks that makes me feel success, failure, frustration, elation, fear, confidence, anxiety, and peace all at the same time. I have learned a new lifestyle, one of living, eating, waking, sleeping, and playing outdoors.

I learned so much more. about myself. about the world. about the earth. about humanity. about God. about community. about leading. about loving. about the outdoors. about learning. about teaching. about praying. about living. sheesh.

what a good year. what a passionate, life-giving year.
may I bless others with what I have learned and how I've changed.
may I never take people or relationships or opportunities or experiences for granted.
may we all stop and watch the sunset more often.
may we notice the changes in the night sky, and not forget the earth we are a part of.
may we allow ourselves to be loved and cared for.
may we all take the time to serve others with all we have.

Sincerely,
Whitney aka "Tibia"

p.s. the title quote is what my friend said after our epic thanksgiving backpacking trip. i should record that on here.

2010-12-05T16:18:00.003-06:00

May our commitment to you far exceed any other commitments we have made.

The pastor said this in his prayer this morning.
As I make commitments to new ideas and ways of thinking about the world everyday, this prayer seems essential for me. I learn about Taoism and it seems beautiful and legitimate.
I grab onto pragmatism and Plato's Republic and the ideas of friends and far-off wanderers and journeymen.
I hear lyrics that reflect a way that I understand reality and I commit to that way of seeing things.
And faith gets more complicated everyday with every conversations I have, books I read, and classes I attend.

But, I am realizing (with the help of some very honest friends) that my commitments to a way of thinking fluctuate daily.
But, I don't think that is a bad thing. It is a sign that I am trying to figure things out. I am struggling to know what I believe and struggling even more to articulate that.

But, I think I am going to continue this prayer that my commitment to God may "far exceed any other commitments" that I make.

2010-12-03T03:16:00.002-06:00

I am leaving Bass Lake, California in less than 2 weeks.

and I cannot stop thinking about this past year and all that it has meant to me, about the people that have come in and out of my life, about all this place has meant to me.

and i am more sentimental than I ever have been.

and tears come pretty easily these days...like right now.

2010-11-16T10:32:00.002-06:00

When God sets about purifying a human being, the process is accomplished in large measure by human agents. This is because the components of our being which block our receptivity to grace are the very blemishes which other people find ugly. The negative reactions of others serve as a mirror in which we can see reflected those deformations of character against which we need to struggle. The pain we experience in being rejected acts as a purge to motivate us to make ourselves more genuinely lovable. Any advance in this direction has the automatic effect of increasing our openness to the action of God. Of course, one who refuses to acquiesce in the truth of others' reactions becomes more deeply entrenched in the bitterness and recrimination and further away from love of God.
Michael Casey

Take 2

2010-11-07T23:24:00.002-06:00

My mind is reeling from this weekend. It was the second time I've been to San Francisco.

First off, it is such a colorful city, just bustling with life. So many different people live there, such a variety of souls. I had a fantastic time trying to understand reality a little better by exploring the art museums and Basilicas and churches. I felt a connection to the history as I walked along Haight Street. I felt like a little kid wandering through Golden Gate Park on trails that led nowhere and everywhere. I felt like I was in high school again as I played the disc golf course in Golden Gate Park. I felt so joyful and blessed to sit in an Ethiopian restaurant with dear loved ones as we used our hands to share a tasty (and meat-free!) feast off one plate. And I felt like I was on top of the world (or at least Half Dome) after trekking up stairs to Coit tower to see the beauty the city has to offer at night. All the time with a cool ocean breeze filling my nose (along with every other wonderful and stinky smell that came and went) and people that are way too interesting and good for me to be so lucky to be around.

Upon first getting to the city, I was feeling something between wanting to cry out of sadness and wanting to punch someone in the face out of anger. (I did neither). As we drove along the streets, some people with me (people who call themselves Christians, I believe) began making jokes and comments about not only the poor and the homeless, but really anyone who didn't possess the same exact qualities as themselves. And as I now process some of the feelings I had at the time...I think I figured out what was wrenching inside me. Aristotle talks about potentiality and actuality. I tend to view people in terms of their potential. I want to tell each person, "You were meant for amazing things." Even if they do look funny, or if they are a complete asshole, or are spending every dime and thought on the next fix, they are better than their worst. And, I know the people saying these comments are better than that; and the people the comments are being said about are better than the commenter is making them appear.

And I say to myself, "Whitney, Whitney, they are just words. Relax." But I know that is not true. Words are powerful. The small jokes and comments we make are meaningful. We can use words to make ourselves appear powerful and better than the rest. Words manipulate and continue evil notions that need not be continued. A little "meaningless" racist or sexist joke continues the stereotypes and biases that create the broken world we are a part of. And, I know...I know deeply that I am not good at using my words wisely. I also manipulate and hurt people with the words I use...making myself appear better than I am and wiser, and more interesting. Little things slip out of my mouth that belittle others and raise myself up a little more. And I am so sorry for all that I have said that does that to others. I screw up. I screw up a lot.

I am confused about how to deal best with poverty. Or, really, how to care for beggars. I cannot avoid eye contact. Not meeting their eyes would be treating a beggar like an animal. Meeting their eyes means stopping and listening to the proposition. And, most often that means I am refusing to give them the money they ask for. And, that seems to not be obeying Jesus' command to give to the poor. And...I have no idea what to do. It is so much bigger than me. So much bigger than one interaction, or even the hundreds of interactions that I met this weekend. I wish there was a simple answer, but it seems that we've created such a hierarchical world that there are only complex answers now (or maybe the answers were always more complex than they appeared).

The closest I have come to a simple answer tonight: two friends and I were sitting on a bench waiting for another friend to get off a bus nearby. A man walks up and says, "I'll give you a twenty for some herb." And we kind of chuckle about how he said it. Then, the friend sitting to my right says something and we end up finding out that he was deaf or something and couldn't really hear what my friend was saying and needed to read lips. But, none of the words really matter. The interesting thing about this was that I felt like the four of us were friends when he came up to us. There was this sense, I guess, that we were all just chilling. And, maybe that is the simple answer. In these incredibly short interactions with the poor, there has to be some kind of judgement-free, hospitable, "we're-on-the-same-level-here," cruising together exchange. maybe...maybe there are leagues of complexity beyond that.

And so, I will keep struggling. And I'll write about in the meantime. And maybe you can think about it too...and then you can write about it or talk about it or write a song about it...or poem or dissertation...or live differently...or dream differently.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I am also confused about some inner turmoil happening that is probably going to end up quite vague on here (and it seems kind of ridiculous to write about in comparison to the slightly larger issue I just wrote about). I have no clue how to interpret my own feelings, no idea when to act and when not to, when to rely on reason or when to rely on feeling or even command. I don't know what I want...and that's okay because what I want is not all that important to how I live or what I do. But still...I kind of wish I knew just for the sake of knowing. And I get nervous in relationships and friendships. I get nervous that I will continue to see past the bad parts of people (especially the people I really like) and notice most obviously their good, but that they will forget the good in me and only see the bad and the faults. And that scares me. the end.

2010-11-03T12:15:00.002-05:00

Been reading some good stuff lately...

Last week, I read some of the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Here's a quote that Rosenberg uses:
...the more you become a connoisseur of gratitude, the less you are a victim of resentment, depression, and despair. Gratitude will act as an elixir that will gradually dissolve the hard shell of your ego-your need o possess and control-and transform you into a generous being. The sense of gratitude produces true spiritual alchemy, makes us magnanimous-large souled. (Same Keen, philosopher)

Then I watched the documentary 180 Degrees South. And it made me want to rock climb every day of my life, and mountaineer, and surf. And mostly, it made me super interested in Patagonia, and my dreams are running wild with images of Patagonia. And it got me thinking about maybe going there for my Global Learning Term (a semester where I can pretty much go wherever I want).

Then I got to do a little hiking this weekend, and some rock climbing and star gazing and back country cooking. And it was just what I needed to make me excited about life and learning again.

I just read this speech ("Leading from Within") by Parker Palmer, found in his book "Let your life speak: listening for the voice of vocation." And it was so stinking good, here's a quote:
We share a responsibility for creating the external world by projecting either a spirit of light or a spirit of shadow on that which is other than us. Either a spirit of hope or a spirit of despair. Either an inner confidence in wholeness and integration, or an inner terror about life being diseased and ultimately terminal. We have a choice about what we are going to project, and in that choice we help create the world that is. Consciousness precedes being.
There is a fantastic quote by Annie Dillard and a speech given by Vaclav Havel (the president of Czechoslovakia) to the US Congress .

Before heading to bed, I have been reading a book by a professor I had last semester called "Monk Habits for Everyday People" by Dennis Okholm. It challenges a lot of my Protestant comfort zones, and makes me see how enriched my life could be by such simple habits that the Benedictine monks had.

Then there's all the stuff I'm reading for school...Plato, Aristotle, Sophocles, Aristophanes, Herodotus, Thucydides. I'm learning a bit from those guys too.
Then there's all these people around me who teach me something in every interaction with them.

good stuff is happening here.

2010-10-28T00:08:00.010-05:00

Ah....it is that time again. I have once again been checking my blog almost daily to see if I have updated, but I'm always saddened to see that I haven't...so today is the today. Or more accurately: tonight is the night.

But, the only problem is that I have no idea what to write about. Here goes:

I have been listening to a ton of Mumford & Sons lately. (go listen to "Awake My Soul" if you've never heard them). Music is a big part of my life, and often I remember times in my life by remembering what I listened to during that time. And, after I went through my disgust with "Christian" music phase, I pretty much just chose to listen to secular music. Quickly, I stumbled upon Sufjan Stevens, and I realized there is quality music with lyrics that points toward something higher. And, I still like Sufjan, but this summer I started listening to Mumford. Not only is their music folksy and passionate, but the lyrics are just breathtaking. Unlike "worship" music often played in Protestant churches, Mumford portray emotions that are much deeper, and perhaps more real than the emotions portrayed by worship songs. Questioning of God and humanity and injustice...maybe a less polite kind of worship, and yet a more honest kind of worship.

I've been feeling a wide array of emotions lately, and I usually try to pretend that emotions don't mean much to me, but I learning to see the importance of them.
I'm excited about the future. About things like backpacking this weekend, and thanksgiving break with new friends, but also about things MUCH further in the future...ahh, there's just so much life to be had!
I'm also nervous and frightened for the future. Nervous about...well, everything. But, then I remember that everything is going to work out as it should. I'm not worried, I just get these anxious butterflies in my belly that make me kind of excited and nervous at once!
I am feeling so much gratitude for what I have had this entire year: the people surrounding me and the place I have been so graciously allowed to live for a year of my life
I am scared to leave this place and the people I have grown to love over the past 11 months. A new place is nerve-wrecking for me. But, hey, I know when I am uncomfortable, there is room for growth.

My faith is being restored after quite some time of questioning and struggling.

and it's good.

belief

2010-10-07T11:10:00.003-05:00

I read a short story this morning, and in the end, my face was sopping with tears. The story wasn't sad or anything, but this story understands me. It is as if the author is writing completely about me, and it scared me that someone could know me better than I know myself.
(The short story is titled The Garbage Man's Daughter by David James Duncan)

I choose to believe in mystery and fantasy because the world is dying and broken, and even if there is no magic powerful enough to save it, life is better--well, life is possible--if I choose to believe in something that may not be true. [this is something that has taken a lot of pain to finally decide. for a while there, i didn't believe anything because, to me, there was no rational and logical argument for any truth]

Hope, for me, is in Christianity, and the story of redemption that will bring shalom (wholeness) to the broken world. But, I also maintain this other hope--almost a kind of silliness--that I know is not true, it is an innocent and naive hope that there is some mystery, some secret, some magic that is powerful and good enough to save the world. All along, I know that Christianity may not be truth, that this naive hope may not be reasonable, but of all things I could believe to be the truth, of all that I could base my life upon, this faith is going to bring out the best in a life and the lives of others.

So, I've adopted this Pragmatism:
"What do you think of yourself? What do you thing of the world? . . . These are questions with which all must deal as it seems good to them. They are riddles of the Sphinx, and in some way or other we must deal with them. . . . In all important transactions of life we have to take a leap in the dark. . . . If we decide to leave the riddles unanswered, that is a choice; if we waver in our answer, that, too, is a choice: but whatever choice we make, we make it at our peril. If a man chooses to turn his back altogether on God and the future, no one can prevent him; no one can show beyond reasonable doubt that he is mistaken. If a man thinks otherwise and acts as he thinks, I do not see that any one can prove that he is mistaken. Each must act as he thinks best; and if he is wrong, so much the worse for him. We stand on a a mountain pass in the midst of whirling snow and blinding mist, through which we get glimpses now and then of paths which may be deceptive. If we stand still we shall be frozen to death. If we take the wrong road we shall be dashed to pieces. We do not certainly know whether there is any right one. What must we do? 'Be strong and of good courage.' Act for the best, hope for the best, and take what comes. . . . If death ends all, we cannot meet death better."

(Fitzjames Stephen, quoted by William James in "The Will to Believe" (1896). . . in my book Pragmatism, a reader by Louis Menand)

And after reading through that quote again, I wish there were some way to determine the truth, to say that there is a bounded truth, and that you can tell that some do not know it and some do. But, at this point in my thought, there just doesn't appear to be such a thing. So, I'll keep reading Plato and Herodotus...but I'll also keep studying the bible.

2010-10-01T19:09:00.002-05:00

Here's what is going on in my mind today:

I can't stop thinking about petty, silly relationship qualms and it is pissing me off because there are so many grander things to think about.

Blessed Is This Life

2010-09-21T01:41:00.002-05:00

So, I just wrote that last entry, and it was whatever. Then, I read a previous entry, and I wondered why I don't really write like I used to several months ago. So, I will tell of recent adventures that I have enjoyed.

So, this weekend, 40 other college students joined our community of about 40. They were off to hike half dome to watch the sun rise (remember the blog I wrote about that a year ago faithful blog-readers?!?). The 40 people who came up were a strange collection of people I had met my first semester at APU, last semester at High Sierra, this summer at camp, people I didn't know, and they were all mixing with the people I am just now getting to know at High Sierra this time around. Basically, it was a collision of the four communities I have been a part of in the past year. And, before they came, I was scared out of my mind of the effect this collision would have on my emotions. But then they all got here, and I was just so stinkin' happy to see everyone. It didn't even matter what I knew them from or when I knew them or what I was like when I knew them. Tears were threatening me the entire night.

And that night, after the 40 visitors had left this little place, I laid in bed wide awake for a few hours. My mind was racing. I was just so happy. I realized how blessed I have been to get to know so many fantastic people in such a short amount of time. It has been kind of draining to be switching communities every 4 months or so, but now I am seeing the benefit of it all.

sheesh. tonight, I am so stinkin grateful.

--------------------------------------------------------

Anyway...the adventure! After a lengthy preparation, 2 new friends and a bit of an older friend and I headed off to one of my favorite places (i've written about it before...I called it washer-dryer). We biked a couple miles down the road, stashed the bikes in the trees, and hiked up a creek. We stopped at some lovely spots, and jumped in the pools for a little swimmy swim. There's this place with a bunch of little pools in the rocks where you can jump in. It reminds of that middle land in The Magician's Nephew where they jump into the pools to get to different places. I kept hoping to jump into Narnia. We kept on hiking up and up. And then...the big kahuna. There is this glorious 40-ish foot natural slide. yes please! So, my buddy jumps in the pool at the bottom of the slide to make sure we're going to have a good time and not wap (the technical term) our heads on some rock or something. Of course the boys go first. Then, I am convinced. I climb up the rocks...and I always get nervous before I jump in the water for no reason. So, I get all nervous and stuff, and then slide into the water, and fly down this rock into the cold yet wonderful pool below. Ahhhh. wooooohoooo! Such a thrill. Take a jump off a rock into the water and head back home (biking right before dinner...the sun is perfect. felt too good) for some dinner with good company.

As I was walking with a friend from camp after dinner, she reached down to hold my hand, and at that moment I realized how precious that friendship and every friendship from this summer is to me.

May I never take anyone for granted. May I recognize how blessed this life is and celebrate being alive. May I see how precious each person and relationship is and live accordingly.

2010-09-21T01:23:00.002-05:00

I'm thinking about the future.
this is odd for me.

but it's a good thing...i'm smiling.
I'm excited for the future.
for new people.
for old friends that will be a part of my life later on.
for new adventures.
for sharing my favorite adventures with others.

i'm resting in the hope that God will work out all things perfectly.
and i know he will. that's the sweet thing.

oh. and don't you worry.
i have not forgotten my life now.
i love seeing the progress of new relationships.
no matter how slow they move sometimes.
i love new books and new ideas (at least new to me).
i'm enjoying relationships that are changing and growing.

and right now...i am enjoying some willy fitz and Good Earth tea,
while thinking about the Odyssey

this positivity is new for me. i don't know where it came from. i like it though.

2010-08-21T03:14:00.002-05:00

and once again something good ends too soon (or it just took me much too long to appreciate it).

and now something new begins. and this time I hope and focus on appreciating the good from the start. may I embrace the goodness in the people around me before it ends.

may this be a season of taking worthwhile risks I have never taken before. may I do the things I am most afraid of.

may I take what I have learned and share it with others and live it out, yet still be willing and eager to learn all that I can from the people entering my life.

at this point, I can't at all summarize this summer. the combination of an emotional final night and it being 1:30 in the morning makes for far too emotional and unclear thoughts.

2010-07-27T02:31:00.002-05:00

I can't believe a year has gone by since my last birthday. I feel like I can remember each day of the past year vividly because every day was so good. I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that this past year has been the best one yet in these 19 years.

I went on 2 great backpack trips this week with some really incredible kids. I went rock climbing with the coolest 6th grade girls ever and drank some Martinellis at a beautiful lake looking at the mountains. Then I climbed to the top of a mountain and ate a tasty pineapple with some of the quirkiest 8th grade boys ever. I can't ignore the beauty of this place. The wildflowers are out now. The meadows that are tucked away in the trees are breathtaking sights of color and light.

After dinner tonight, my friend and I drove into town about an hour away. At Borders, I found a HUGE Dinosaur book for only 20 bucks. Huge--like a coffee table book bigger than a coffee table. It is so cool. And tomorrow, I am going to wake up when I feel like it, drink a cup of tea, then go to a meadow filled with wildflowers and read my book about St. Francis of Assisi, pick some flowers and put them in my house, then I am going to run to some water and swim around for a bit, nap on the rocks, and run back to camp.

I wish everyone I love could come join me on my small birthday adventure tomorrow. But, all those I love are part of me, I guess...and essentially will be part of every birthday of mine.
How 'bout we make a deal? If you see a meadow, will you stop what you are doing and run around in it and spin in circles for a bit for me? So...you'll be five minutes late for work. or you'll get your shoes wet. good. smile and enjoy some little things in life.

2010-07-17T16:32:00.003-05:00

While I have a pretty sweet job that I think I have written about a bit... I also have some sweet little adventures on the days I'm not working. I love having those 34 or 36 hours to plan the perfect day. Usually, a good day-off would involve getting away from camp, being outside, having good company (but not too much company), eating free or cheap food that is still tasty, doing something that tires me out enough that I sleep well, but also having plenty of energy to survive during the week.

Example: Yesterday, I got off around 4-ish. And it is really stinkin' hot...so I go for a quick little swim in the lake and have some lovely conversation with the company, eat some homemade ice cream, take a quick little nap, get dinner ready for everyone, play some crazy hat bingo and then plan on going to bed. But...no, it is only 10:30 pm and we are still young, so hey, let's walk down to the lake and swim some more. Back by midnight. Time for bed.

Woke up today. There's this road called Beasore (Bay-shore) that is basically the entrance to the back country. It is a windy, up-hill, mountain road. About 15 miles up this road, there is a place called the Jones Store. It is a small community, and they have a little store with all the necessities...Food (Homemade pie!!), Beer, and Soda. So, a few friends and I loaded our bikes into the back of a truck and drove up to the Jones Store. We all had a coke and talked with Mr. Jones while his wife baked some pies. We used the outhouse, then hopped on our bikes and headed downhill back to Bass Lake. We FLEW downhill. flew. I wasn't sure I knew how to fly...but I do. I found myself laughing and screaming with joy nearly the whole way down. So I met the other 3 at the bottom...but while this ride was thrilling and joy-inducing...we didn't really work at all. So, we decided to bike the 13 miles around the lake to finish out the adventure. Came back and laid down on a little hill. ahhhh. time to relax.

Example 2: My last day off, a couple of friends and I hiked up this place called washer-dryer. It is part of the river where there are lots of rocks and water. We found a lovely place where there was a little rock slide and whirlpool and we could play around in the water, then take a nap on the rocks and read a bit.

AND, today I have decided I never want to take a day-off for granted. There are way too many adventures to be had, places to go, people to meet, and people to enjoy life with to take a day for granted. It is a pleasure to work hard everyday (especially in a job like this), and then celebrate life a little bit on a day-off.

So, the summer is halfway through. Time to re-think and re-evaluate the rest of it. Let's begin with a quick dip in the lake!

2010-06-27T22:30:00.002-05:00

I never know exactly what to write here. Or whether or not I should write. or if anyone actually cares or reads. But, I do like to write...and let people far away feel like they can share a bit in my life. My life...it's a blast right now.

For instance, there is this great game we play at camp. All the girls hop on some buses and drive up to other camp property in the mountains where I could envision myself living someday. It is a load of property with this lovely, slightly beaten up, yet quaint cabin in the mountains. And all the girl staff dresses up like the Uzamahti tribe and convinces the campers that they need to play this giant game of capture the flag in order to become part of the tribe. And then we spend the day running through rivers and trees and wrestling in mud pits and chasing people and running from people. It is just fantastic. Then all these lovely ladies now covered in war paint and mud jump in the river together before a tasty meal of hobo stew for dinner. And that was just this afternoon and evening!

I'm getting to know the campers and staff...and I'm liking them a little more everyday.

And I know every day is a good one, because when I finally get in bed (whether or not it is actually a bed...usually it's just a sleeping bag), I take a deep breath, smile, and fall asleep within seconds.

2010-06-15T09:30:00.002-05:00

my life is very busy...
but my life is so fun.
I live in Narnia.
I am encouraged to play like a child everyday.
I am surrounded by a community of people who have so much to teach me.
I get to play outside all the time!

2010-06-06T23:42:00.002-05:00

well, hello there.

I have been in the backcountry for the past few days, and now that I am back in civilization, I am reasearching all the fantastic shrubs, flowers, and trees I saw out there! My goal is to be able to recognize for of California's native plants by the end of the summer.

So...I thought I would share a little tidbit with you.

Manzanita shrubs or trees are known by their reddish, smooth bark and stiff, twisting branches. I think the leaves are beautiful and If you find a branch and keep it as a treasure, the leaves change colors and it is a nice little house ornament to have a bundle of dried Manzanita branches because of the varying color of leaves. BUT...here's what I just learned today that I think is great: "Traditional uses of the plant include collecting the berries, drying them, and grinding them up into a coarse meal. Fresh berries and branch tips were also soaked in water and drunk, making a refreshing cider. When the bark curls off, it can be used as a tea for nausea and upset stomach. The younger leaves are sometimes plucked and chewed by hikers to deter thirst. Native Americans used Manzanita leaves as toothbrushes."

so there you go.

2010-05-29T22:55:00.002-05:00

Hello friends,

My thoughts and therefore, my words, feel so jumbled and unorganized tonight (meaning this is going to be a wordy post). But, I need to write it out in order to clarify for myself, so here goes...

I had a bit of a revelation today. well, that's a bit dramatic, but I had a moving thought today. After going to the eye doctor to find out that my eyes are the best they have been my entire life (yes! I finally can see...phew!), I went canoeing with my family on the Fox River (the water source for the water we drink at my house in Illinois), followed by a walk to the creek with my well-missed and dearly loved dog, Spirit, and maybe the best Mediterranean dinner I've ever eaten at Naf Naf, I realized how much I just wanted to be alone. ahhhhh...time alone. While the rest of Chicago was watching the Blackhawks game, I had a cup of coffee, read my books, and THEN (this is the rather non-climactic climax...hence the upper case letters in 'then'), I watched a movie. Like I said...rather non-climactic.

"No Impact Man: The Documentary."
Just go watch the trailer or something. Oh! better, I'll post it right here!
I realized my never-ending desire to simplify my living, to leave less of a bad impact on the earth and do more to restore it and care for it in a more wholesome manner is not (or may not be) just a hippie fetish in search for a connectedness of all things. (That may be part of it...not the 'hippie fetish' part, but the 'connectedness of all things' part)

My whole life I have never excelled in one thing. I've always been mediocre at everything. School, sports, music, art, writing....even my passions have never been focused on anything in particular. So, somehow I landed at APU...don't know how or why...with a major in Global Studies and minors in Spanish and the Humanities. The problem is I have not been able to figure out what I'm passionate about exactly...and I do believe that is something one figures out eventually.

So, I watched this documentary and every few minutes tears would fill my eyes, and I'm thinking, "what the heck, this guy is just putting his garbage in a box of dirt and worms...why am I crying?" But...I don't know...it's Adventure Studies and AP Environmental Science in high school and summer camp and digging under rocks for worms and Huckleberry Finn that affected my thoughts. It's things like people putting care into their actions to see not only how they affect this beautiful planet we are a part of and commune with, but also how these actions affect every other human on this planet now and the future. It seems silly to me that what should be such a basic part of every life is a "passion" or mine.

My thoughts feel completely jumbled, and when I use a lot of ellipses, I know I am not writing clearly. I'm sorry that some label people like the no impact man a "hippie" or a "radical" in a negative way. And I know my opinion bears little weight and should probably continue to bear little weight, but I think these so-called "radicals" and "hippies" bring the world life, joy, and passion and I like them a bunch and perhaps will have such people as dear friends throughout my life.

Good night, you princes of Maine, you Kings of New England!

2010-05-26T18:58:00.002-05:00

Please no WFR dreams. Please no High Sierra dreams.

I think I have said this every night before bed lately.

WFR dreams: Last week I took a Wilderness First Responder class in northern Wisconsin. I was immersed in the beautiful northwoods of Wisconsin near the small town of Boulder Junction. In the first lecture from my newly beloved teacher, Ann, I realized how little I knew about the human body. But, hey! with a little reading and learning, I was able to figure out a lot. Before when I would have guessed immediate death upon someone who had fallen from a big rock or vomited upon seeing blood gushing from a femur sticking out of someones skin, I now understand that the human body is fairly resilient. After a week of bloody simulations and the practicing of hundreds of spine-stable log rolls, puke-rolls, splinting, PAS-ing, I feel like I have a much better understand of the workings of the human body.

BUT, unfortunately every night last week, my dreams were filled with blood, guts, death, hypothermia, anaphylaxis, and whatever other crazy things my brain cooked up. So, my hope for now on is that I would have no more of these terrible dreams.

High Sierra dreams: Why is night the loneliest part of a day? Before falling asleep every night the week I got home from school, I would think about the fantastic life I enjoyed for the first few months of this year. And for some reason, it made me sad. So, I've been trying to figure out why such a great thing could make me so sad. And here's what I've discovered: High Sierra was perhaps the one time in my life I have felt completely comfortable being myself. Something about that place, the people, the hap-happenings...just made me feel so much like...well, me...if I could dare to say I know who "me" is.

I think I experienced what community is for the first time--something that was never created in family or school or church or friendships or any social situation I've ever been in. And I liked it a lot. AND, the sadness I think comes from thinking or believing that maybe I won't ever have something like that again. But, I now see that that is ridiculous. I am so incredibly glad that these past 5 months have been part of my life...but now I am excited about what comes next and what is to come from now on (however long that will be). I will not forget the friendships, the learning, the teachers (in form of author, professor, friend, mountain, or random folk), the laughter (and there was a lot), the many accents, or anything else that pops into my mind daily that brings back these dear memories.

BUT...no more sadness, no more sad dreams.

by the by, on my way home from Wiscaaansin, I met my broski at an Imogen Heap concert. She was...I can't think of an appropriate word, dang it...crazy, I guess. Her gestures and dancing were just so silly...so HER! But her music and the whole performance was very ethereal. It made me want to sit in an aquarium in front of the jellyfish exhibit for hours on end.

2010-05-14T10:15:00.002-05:00

So, I've been back in Illinois for a week now. And it's been, well....dreary. But, I've still been able to do the things I love.
I hung out in the city with my broski in hipster Wicker Park, visiting one of my favorite bookstores and vegetarian restaurants. Did some rock climbing (in a gym of course...there are no real rocks here), went swing dancing and did the Charleston all night long. AND...I only spent 12 dollars the whole day. rock climbing and swing dancing...$12 plus free good company!
And because today is the first nice day, I have set up my slack line in the backyard and I've been listening to Jonsi as I read and slack line...not at the same time. That would be impressive: reading on the slack line.

Moving around so much leaves me confident that no matter where I am, not only do I have my forever constant companions of books and music (to play and listen to), but there are always people everywhere lonely and in need of a friend that I could be if I so choose.

Tomorrow I'm headed northward for a Wilderness First Responder class at the tip of Wisconsin. I'm excited to learn something I know nearly nothing about. This past week I've been learning from books and such, but it will be nice to have a teacher around to help me out and answer my questions for a little while. I'll spend the next 9 days there, then I'll be back in the midwest for one more week before I head back west!

Reading: "Mountaineering: the Freedom of the Hills" and Huston Smith's "The World's Religions" (excellent book. if religion, philosophy and theology interest you...as they should considering you are human...you should give this book a try)
Listening to: Jonsi "Around Us"

2010-05-06T00:22:00.003-05:00

My roommates and I. Mountain Women? (taken by a new friend, Brian Zaro)

wow. the past 4 months have been incredible. it may not be a stretch to say they have been the best 4 months of my life.

tomorrow back to southern california.

friday back to chicago.

2010-04-23T18:09:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about what these past few months have meant to me quite a bit lately as there are only 12 days left in the semester. (Actually I should have been thinking about final paper topics instead) I am so pleased with the friendships that have begun this semester. There are a couple people I can't imagine not being friends with the rest of my life. Then there are the people I have liked being with this semester and we have connected in some way or another, but I will probably never be good friends with them. Then there are the people who I didn't really connect with, but may in the future...put probably not. And lastly, there are the people I connected with at the beginning of the semester thinking we would be good friends, and yet our friendship is more or less meaningless now...and that makes me sad, but so is life, I guess...

One thing I've noticed from this semester is the lack of meaningful, deep conversations I have taken part in. Other people keep saying that meaningful conversations have been an important part of the past few months, but I don't feel that way at all. Luckily, I think I understand why. Nearly all of my beliefs I have ever held have been destroyed, challenged, and questioned. Some have been rebuilt time and again, but I am almost afraid to formulate opinions because of the possibility that they could be completely ruined once again. And that makes me seem really cowardly...but I guess that is more or less what has been stopping me. My contribution to class discussion has been nearly non-existent, and my ability to formulate opinions and passionate arguments has been...stunted, I guess.

There is so much going on in my mind and so much questioning and doubting, there hasn't been nearly enough time for the formulation of opinion regarding all that is being questioned. Then again, I feel like I haven't connected with the people well enough that I could have meaningful conversations with...and again, that makes me quite sad.

snow and God and dancing and life

2010-04-12T22:44:00.004-05:00

Time is going by much too fast.

I don't want this to end. this semester.

It's too scary...too sad... to imagine life without these people in it.

---------------------------------------------

Yesterday, only a few of us didn't go out to dinner. Three of us made leftovers together and drank root beers. It was pouring rain. Everyone was gone. It was me, Mo, and Joey. Mo plugged her ipod into the speakers, and the two of us started dancing around the dining hall. Then Joey opened the windows, and the three of us moved our dance party into the pouring rain. I fell in the mud, and was dripping wet and covered in mud. And we felt free. and we felt alive. and we were happy.
The music:
K'naan - In the beginning
Passion Pit - Sleepyhead
Jonsi - Go do, Animal Arithmetic
Karen O & the Kids - All is Love

Then we walked inside and sat down and finished doing our homework. Then the power went out for the rest of the night because that's what happens when it rains and snows here. Oh yea...there is snow...it dumped on us today. it's magically beautiful...but it's April for goodness sake.

This afternoon we an "epic multi-faceted event" called Battle of the Sexes. I ran and jumped in the river and won the event (yes...snow on the ground, and I jumped in the river)! It was silly, good fun with great people. Then we went to Rite-Aid and got ice cream...perhaps the best ice cream around. Then we sat around with two of our profs and asked questions about faith and philosophy. And they made me believe in God and Jesus more than I have the entire semester. If men as wise as them have their own reasons for being Christians after reading all these people who prove it meaningless...maybe it's possible that it is true.
(Church has been terrible lately as my mind has been bombarded with Nietzsche, Hume, and now Pragmatism...but this little chat helped a lot)

And there is just something in my soul that tells me the connectedness of everything, the flow of life, the tradition and history of Faith, the "circles" you could say that create all that is can't be nothing. There must be a center to it all...and that's one thing I feel like I don't have to try to coerce myself into believing. Yeah, and maybe that's not based on reason....but, I guess I've come to realize that there are things beyond reason, and faith in God may be one of those things.

p.s. Jonsi's album "Go" is so stinking happy. and I like it a whole lot. Right now I am listening to "Boy Lilikoi" and thinking about Plenty-Coups and the Crows.

2010-04-01T20:52:00.002-05:00

Quite an eventful spring break thus far.

It is weird to think I am in Pacific Grove, California with a bunch of people I didn't even know a couple months ago, and when I met I never would have guessed I would be sleeping in their homes and hanging out with their families. But, don't get me wrong, it is good.

Eleven of us were backpacking for a few days in Big Sur, which made me wish I had read Kerouac's "Big Sur". It was really beautiful, with incredible views of huge rolling hills, the occasional whiff of the ocean, gorgeous wildflowers, and enormous redwoods. Good company and a good place to be made it a memorable trip. (not to mention me jumping out of my hammock in the night...that's a story for another time)

Since then, life has been chill (as it should be, I guess). Hmm, I've been bouldering, disc golfing, ocean-watching, aquarium-visiting, reading, and enjoying being in homes.

Oh. I am reading Emerson for philosophy class...I'm excited.

2010-03-26T11:00:00.002-05:00

Ah....a week off of school... :)

Off to the glorious Monterey, California (anywhere without classes would probably be glorious right now) for a week of backpacking, playing outside, reading, and enjoying the good company.

be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

2010-03-22T02:02:00.003-05:00

So, I spent this weekend in San Francisco, and I thought I might have something to write about it if I sat down and tried. I know very little about San Francisco, but we were going for an my Aesthetics class to go to some churches and art museums.

Friday, I visited Mission Delores and the Basilica. All the churches we visited were undeniably grand and the art was awe-inspiring, no doubt. But...honestly, I couldn't help being a bit pessimistic seeing that so much of the church's money was spent on these buildings rather than the fairly large population of homeless just blocks away. It was a bit sickening to me. We went to afternoon mass at St. Marys and the Legion of Honor (an art museum). This is the first time I loved an art museum...being able to recognized artists, paintings, the style, and what was going on in politics, history, philosophy, and the church at the time was really wonderful.

That night after walking around the city, taking much too long of a nap with a couple friends, eating dinner at a diner at a time much to late for dinner, a few of us were sitting in Union Square, "shooting the shit" as one might say, when Steve walks up. "It's my birthday and I'm the joke man," he says to us. He offers to tell us jokes, and we tell him we'd like to hear them. He warns us his jokes are racist and dirty because clean jokes are too difficult for him to think of, but he tries to clean them up a bit for us. After laughing with him for quite some time, we expect what is about to come. "Okay, I'm gonna beg now. Do you have anything for me?" We told him we couldn't give him anything, but we continued to walk with him and spent another hour or two with him, and shared a meal with him. We shared jokes with one another. It was getting late, and we all needed to get to bed, so a friend asked him if we could pray over him before we parted ways. Steve told us about the power of prayer and how it had protected him. After two of us prayed, Steve told the other couple of us that we needed to pray for him too. He wanted more.

If you didn't know, San Francisco has taken all the poor and homeless of the city and confined them to a few city blocks, the Tenderloin. Steve told us, "it is bad down there. evil, really. stay up top, don't go down there." The city says they have controlled the problem of homelessness, but really they have just put what we usually see as the grunge of society into a pit where the rest of society can live unaware of their presence if they choose.

We left Steve after he thanked us, told us a few more jokes (he really was hilarious...even in his drunker stupor), and thanked us some more. "You know, when I came up to you guys, I was just hoping to get something from you guys, but you know I really like you guys," he said, and we told him we liked him too and thanked him for joking around with us.

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Yesterday, I visited Grace cathedral, the SFMoMA, worked with some socially-awkward yet incredibly sweet nuns at a soup kitchen, and had a fun time on the cable cars and trying to make all the street musicians happy by dancing and enjoying the music they were making. Oh...my teacher, Tom, made sure to take all of us students down a street where a man has taken up residence who used to be an opera singer. Well, he still is an opera singer, but he used to get paid for it. We gathered around him (like 40 of us), he put a CD in the player, and he walked back in the alley where the sound of his voice would be filled, told us that we were free to do interpretive dance, and then gave a beautiful performance filled with the joy of still doing what he loves yet the sorrow of not being on the stage any longer. Anyone could tell his voice had become a little worn out in the years without practice, and his body a little larger without proper nutrition, but his love for what he does well was more important than that, and we all left thankful for him and for the beauty of a passionate man.

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Today, I woke up early and walked around the city before any commotion began, then found a nice coffee shop to do some homework in before everyone else got up for breakfast (I felt like quite the hipster reading Nietzsche in an organic coffee shop in san fran...oh well). Then we ended our trip at the de Young museum. I ended up being by myself the entire time I was there...which was actually nice. I could go at my own pace, lingering in the tribal art sections and just glancing briefly at all those darn John Singleton Copley's. I spent most of my time in an Alaskan tribal art section and the African art. I was just in awe of how old the art was...1200 B.C is so long ago. And it is so beautiful to me that they made their own necessary, daily tools (like knives, storage containers, combs...everything) but also that they made them beautiful and unique. I know what it feels like to make my own cup or plate with my own hands, putting a part of me into it and then using it. It's a good feeling, and a beautiful art form.

Now I am back in the trees and the mountains and feeling at home here.

2010-03-08T12:01:00.005-06:00

I've been checking my blog everyday to see if I've updated it. It's been getting a little depressing, so I thought it would be time for a new post.

Well here are a few things I have been working on today:

A walking stick (for all my walking needs)

with the perfect little notch that makes my thumb feel like it has always belonged there

and it's the perfect height to hold me upright.

A book of art and photos to remember this time by

And reading these fantastic books by people who have challenged society with their ideas and words.

So far, it's been a good day filled with good conversation, good people, good work, and good music. Listening to Joe Purdy "Wash Away" currently.

adventure

2010-02-20T19:15:00.002-06:00

Hey! I've got some adventures to tell you about! (mostly because I don't have much else to write about)

First of all, no classes on Fridays or Mondays gives me plenty of time for adventuring when I''m not reading what seems like hundreds of books or banging my head against the wall because I have no idea what I believe. So, between classes on Thursday, my roommates and I went on a little mountain biking excursion just to find lots of trees fallen over on the trail and a splattering of pine needles that made the wheels just spin and spin so we couldn't get very far. We all had a good fall...with battle wounds to show. The downhill ending was splendid. So exhilarating.

Yesterday, after chapel, one of my professors, and about 5 of us students cleared the trail of fallen trees. Chain saw, axe, rolling trees, knocking trees down...all good...and good for the earth too, I promise. Then after lunch, instead of taking that trail mountain biking, the prof and maybe 7 of us students decided to drive up maybe a thousand feet and take a trail from there back to camp. After driving through snow, we realized the trail we would be riding on would be more or less covered with snow...but we went anyway. So, we ended up kind of walking our bikes several miles through the snow, and trying to ride whenever we had 20 feet of dirt. At least we could all that at the absurdity of it all. BUT...once again, we had a thrilling downhill ending to the ride. (and more battle wounds to show!)

Ok...so those sound kind of lame now...but they were fun...

2010-02-13T01:19:00.002-06:00

today was a fantastic day...and I felt like writing why.

First, I woke up at my usual time...6 am. I love getting up early here, well I love getting up early all the time, but it is especially nice here because most everyone sleeps in later than that, so I have some time alone in the quiet. BUT, today the sun was out, which is more exciting than you think because the sun hasn't been out in days (maybe even weeks...yea, let's go with weeks). So, I cleaned up the place a little (okay, a lot. art journals were due today, so a mess was made all through the night), ate some breakfast then practiced for chapel worship.

Ahh....then the infamous Dating Chapel by Tom, our art professor and "campus pastor"...it was whatever though (full of wisdom, though. a wise man of God, for sure)...I basically agreed with him. Had necessary conversations in the sun, on the roof with a friend. Then, ahaha...a climax of my day...a beautiful bike ride around the lake. I forgot how much I love to ride a bike. But, riding a bike in the mountains is oh so different from anything else. Uphill, downhill, trees, sky, mountains, water, the cold air blowing, warm sun...so freeing. Played some disc golf and ate dinner. Then, another important thing, I filled out an application to work as a backpack guide during the summer at the camp I live at right now (sorry if this is a surprise for family members...I can tell you more later, if you want) if my Summer Plan A falls through. Basically, I would just do what makes me feel most alive all summer long! We'll see...

Then, we played a game in the dark. It was called something or another. Fugitive? maybe. Anyway, I chased people through the forest, trying to tag them with my flashlight. I got scraped up on my knees--I love when that happens. I feel like a little kid again.

So now you know just about everything I did today. I bet that's exactly what you wanted to hear. sorry...I just needed to tell someone how wonderful of a day it was.
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I always get this feeling after a month or so of knowing people. It is a terrible feeling. For the first month, usually people start to like me and want to know me...but then I get so nervous around this time that I just get boring and no one will like me anymore. They will either get bored or annoyed with me...at least that's how I feel. Meh... doesn't feel to good. Not too bad either though. I can deal.

My blogs have been sub par lately. I have a plan to make them better.

2010-02-03T17:45:00.003-06:00

Since lately I cannot think of what to write, I will start writing various things about myself, my current life, or things I am thinking that people reading this may or may not be interested in. So, here goes.

Something not so interesting to me...My life right now includes a class called Plenary. The word, plenary, is somehow connected to the word "fullness". This word is sometimes heard at conferences and such to describe something that everyone must attend. At school, every student must attend it (every student being all 36 of us). Its purpose is to connect what I am learning in all my classes, teaching a "Christian perspective of truth and life"....meh, this explanation sucks. I am taking a bunch of Humanities courses (which I might explain as classes that delve into the question of what it means to be human). The goal of all this, this type of learning, is to make me a seeker of truth in order to honor God in order to make me a better lover of wisdom, of God.

(my roommate, Michelle, just told me to write about her because she says, "I'm interesting. I mean, I freakin' live with you, people should know about me. Tell them I'm folding my laundry". So interesting...folding laundry.)

Something n my mind the past 2 days: Do I agree with protestant doctrine? Catholic doctrine is looking much more like truth to me than the doctrine I have grown up believing without ever doubting. Do we have free will (Catholicism) or is all the work in salvation done by God (protestantism--no free will/predestination)? If the idea of God is innate (as Descartes proved), then Aquinas' idea of God being revealed through reason (which happens within) seems much more believable than Luther's argument the God's will is exclusively revealed in the bible (something external). Okay, this is starting to look more like the paper I need to write for tomorrow than a blog. sorry. (by the way, all that stuff just written is just a thought process...not my actual beliefs or even an accurate understanding of those philosophies/theologies).
I guess I am thinking how easily I jumped into believing all that the church told me without any reasoning/questioning behind it. I just think how much stronger my argument for believing in God would be if I had first doubted if there was a God, doubted that phrase "personal relationship". ahhh, I need to stop this now... stopping. now.

a terrible post with a terrible title.

2010-02-03T09:50:00.002-06:00

meh...I feel like I should write something...but I don't really have words to explain anything right now. If I did write, it would probably end up being very much like a history of the past week of my life...and you don't want to hear this: I went backpacking. in the snow. in Yosemite. it was good.

so maybe I'll come up with something better later.

oh, I do have something to write about, but now I have to read and read and read and write before tomorrow. and eat breakfast.

this was a terrible post.

2010-01-20T23:07:00.002-06:00

I guess it's about time for a little update especially since I am pretty much horrible at keeping in touch with people who aren't around me. I like to make the excuse that I am focusing all I am right here, right now. But that only goes so far.

So, I have never been so content in a place as I am here. Not content in a bad way, but content in a way that allows me to grow in many ways. At this point in my life, my purpose is to be learning (and I am starting to be okay with not doing) but this environment is just so perfect for doing just that. ugh...I wish I could explain what I mean. hmm.

For instance, I woke up nice and early this morning and enjoyed a cup of coffee while watching the lovely snow fall and thinking through all the things I had read the day before that needed to be remembered today. I went to class all morning (which involved learning about greatness, beauty, art, and drawing my face), ate lunch, went to class all afternoon (history/philosophy. subject matter: are there universals or just particulars?), got a cup of tea, read a book, talked about that book and all that I learned in class with a few friends, ate dinner with my professors and friends to try to better understand all that I learned today, played in the snow, put on a gorilla costume, worked on some art, played some guitar, read a bit more, and now I am writing this. (Actually I probably did 20 or 30 more things than that but...)

Now, I don't think you care to know all I do in a day, but I don't know how else to explain how intentional (that's not the word I want to use) this environment is for learning. I mean there are probably about 50 people in my life right now (35 students, 5 teachers, and a handful more who I see daily). I eat every meal with them, live with them, learn with/from them, play with them...this makes social life very easy and comfortable for an introvert.

This is good because my role in...you could say...the fullness of the world or even the body of Christ is to be seeking the truth, at least for now. I am becoming a better lover of wisdom, a better lover of God, and in the end, a better lover of people.

And while I do all that, I can make some great friends (as these people I have only known for a week are already becoming), laugh more than I ever have in my life, and be in the most beautiful place I have ever lived.

2010-01-10T02:03:00.005-06:00

Ahhh, this week has been so busy. I moved in to my new home on Monday, left to spend 3 days in Yosemite, and came back to camp (my new home) to get ready for the semester. And I am just taking a deep breath and reflecting before this next week, which is going to be even busier than this one. oh, and I should mention: even though this has been a busy week, and maybe even because it has been such a busy week, there are just too many good things to tell you about. And while I'm not any sort of photographer, I thought I could share a couple photos with you.

2009-12-31T13:31:00.002-06:00

because i don't often enough feel encouraged to do these things,

i encourage you to be as nuts as possible.
i encourage you to be okay with being sad sometimes.
i encourage you to create. (to make something, know it's good because you made it, and then share it with everyone.)
i encourage you to make your own world.
i encourage you to shake this land.
i encourage you to fail, to have scars rather than live a totally bland life.
i encourage you to give and receive love generously.
i encourage you not to tag people.
i encourage you to have heroes.
i encourage you to be a beautiful loser.

2009-12-30T21:58:00.001-06:00

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

-Emily Dickinson

2009-12-27T21:53:00.004-06:00

i want to make a stairway going nowhere. well maybe not nowhere

exactly, more like anywhere."why?" you might ask and

my reply would simply be, with a timid smirk and a

slight wink, "to make you wonder" or perhaps

"to make you wander. wander through

the hallways of your imagination and

through the folds of nowhere and

anywhere that you've never

traveled through

before."

thoughts on knowledge, God, and snow

2009-12-26T17:03:00.003-06:00

Ahhhh, there is so much to be learned. Everyday I realize more and more how little I know. So many books to read, ideas to ponder, people to listen to. I love that there is no way I can ever know as much as I want to...reminds me of the mystery of it all.

Think: what if the knowledge and wisdom of every person ever to walk this earth were combined into one being? It would be magnificent, right? Aha certainly, BUT still there is so much that humans have never known and never will. That magnificent amount of knowledge in that imagined being could never measure up to the all-knowing God.

Ah, I don't know...it's all so fascinating and mysterious to me. And even more, His greatness doesn't only have to do with Him being all-knowing. There is just so so much more. (I think A.W. Tozer does a fair job of getting at this in The Knowledge of the Holy)

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Ohmagoodness. the snow. So beautiful. peaceful. calming, even.'

oh oh oh, and one of the best parts of snow is one of my favorite sounds: the rhythmic crunching of the snow under my boot as I walk in it. There is some song that reminds of this sound...I think it's a Sigur Ros song. Aha, yes. It is "Glosoli" on Takk...

Learn to Enjoy God

2009-12-25T18:25:00.003-06:00

So, this is a paper I wrote this semester. This is the fruit of an interview with Richard Foster, so I thought it would be nice if I shared his wise words and stories with you. Umm...oh, I was supposed to submit it to Relevant Magazine...but I never did...but that is what it was written for. It is really nothing outstanding...but Richard Foster is great! (I realize it's kind of lengthy for a blog. o well)

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A lot of college students feel young and invincible. A lot of us feel like we need to get college over with so we can get started with our lives. But, maybe we are missing our life right now while we are in college. As Richard Foster quoted, “Rest, rest, you have nothing to do but to rest in the Lord.”

Maybe one of our biggest problems as college students is that we are “ready to convert the world at least by tomorrow,” which Foster told me was his attitude in college. Since then, he has learned to be a little more patient about changing the world.

We revolve a lot of our lives around time, but maybe in order to live more spiritually-full lives, we need to live outside of time. Foster quotes John Muir in saying that we need “to become time-rich. To become rich in time, that’s a good thing.” In Foster’s life, he exercises “time-richness” by going to the canyon near his home in Denver. Most days, he is out there for an hour or two, just to get in touch with creation. Like many people, when he is in creation, he feels much more connected to God. He slows down to spend time with the trees and the flowers and the birds. Some days, he just listens to the wind for a while.

“The creation reflects the order, the glory, and the goodness of the creator,” and maybe it is in all these things that God can teach us. Perhaps what’s missing on a lot of college campuses is the slow life that Foster finds in his canyon. Foster describes this lifestyle many of us students have chosen as “hurry sickness” and he says that “all of us are affected by it.”

Perhaps a benefit of not being in a hurry is a better prayer life. A lot of times I find myself and the people around me rushing into prayer. We approach God in a hurry like we approach the rest of our life. Foster really encourages everyone to be more patient with themselves. He said, “One of the old writers said, ‘We learn to pray as we can and not as we can’t.’”

As a college student, Foster used to get up at four o’clock in the morning to try to pray. He would find himself falling asleep, so he would stand up against a wall, but he found out that he is capable of falling asleep even standing against a wall. “You have to learn to pray as you are able to. You have to take it one step at a time. God is a lot more patient with us than we are with ourselves.”
Rather than just slowing down in our prayer lives, Foster suggests “we learn to pray in such a way that it doesn't take any time in a sense but it occupies all of our time.” Part of the beauty in this new attitude and lifestyle of slowing down is that it is a lifestyle of constant prayer. As we live our lives, we are also “bringing our hearts to God.”

I had to agree with Foster when he told me that he thinks the biggest struggle for college students is distraction. “We have ten thousand things coming at us”, and we are distracted by technology, school, work, relationships, and it really is difficult to focus on loving God when we feel like we need to focus on the other 9,999 things that are whirring around our minds. Maybe it is our modern lifestyle that has made us like this, but I think it is just our human nature that makes us “constantly jumping up, going here, and going there.”

We need to find ways “in which we learn to let go of distraction so that our lives can focus, focus on God of course.” In college, we are so intent on accomplishing and making friendships, and there is nothing wrong with that, but we need to remember what we are on this earth for. There is a time for studying and learning. Foster said that for him, “studies were a way of honoring God and worshipping God” when he was in school. Learning and studying is definitely a good thing and can bring glory to God, but what can we do now to live a much more rich life?

Richard Foster has spent a lot of time on college campuses and in the presence of college students. He is more than just a writer; he is a deep thinker and an incredibly kind man of great wisdom. He studied at George Fox University and Fuller Theological Seminary and has been a professor at several universities.

On my college campus, it is definitely a little difficult to go to the wilderness and get away from the busyness of city life. But, as Foster says, if we want to slow down, “we ruthlessly cut out hurry in our lives. We learn not to be so full of hurry.” He encouraged me to take a walk around the track by the football field and around the campus, get a little exercise, sit up in the stands, and watch the people. He tells me that “people are interesting, just watch them. Sit down and talk with somebody. Sometimes you find God as you talk with somebody. Everybody is carrying burdens and you learn about them. You learn about the needs and all those things. Learn to enjoy God.”

Learn to enjoy God. Is that what we are missing? Are we in such a hurry that we are not enjoying God? Are we rushing through our spiritual lives in order to move onto the next great thing that is going to happen? Perhaps we should slow down our pace.

I am imagining my life in slow motion. A life with much more beautiful imagery; reflecting on the beauty of God, talking with friends around campus about life rather than just yelling “hey, how are you doing?” as we pass each other on our way to separate places, eating meals together, tasting each bite and thanking God for each new flavor, walking just to walk not because I need to run to the store as quickly as possible to get back to the next thing. I am thinking of a much more honest, contemplative, and communal attitude towards life.

With the inspiration of Richard Foster, I am advocating a great slowing down among students everywhere. I am proposing a great deep breath, an enjoyment of every minute of our lives. Maybe the spiritual aspect missing on college campuses everywhere is a contemplative slowness only defined by a life focused on loving God. We can cure this “hurry sickness” by maybe just taking simple steps to cut hurry out of our lives. Maybe we just need to “learn to enjoy God.”

2009-12-23T22:35:00.002-06:00

Mmmm break is so good :)

reading, enjoying the company of others, listening to music, making music, reading, reading, reading some more, sleeping a lot, painting, drinking warm drinks, baking, walking, skiing a bit, thinking. this rest is so enjoyable.

today, i didn't do much of anything, but I have spent quite a bit of time thinking the last few days. thinking about the last few months of my life: what I learned, what I did well, what i did poorly. thinking about the next few months of my life: what I want to do well, what I want to get better at, what I want to avoid doing (or doing poorly).

Tonight, I read through my journal of my trip to Peru (the Amazon trip with AIM). That feels like a completely different life to me, even though it was only a year and a half ago. I feel like I was completely different then compared to now. I mean, I couldn't be that different...but I have learned a little bit since then and the people I have met, experiences I have had (even the little ones) have made me quite different.

I don't know. I guess change always surprises me a little.

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I am going to make this blog private, I think. For a few reasons...but mostly because I recently started getting a large amount of comments in another language on some old posts.

But, if you still want to read what I write, just tell me, and I can "invite" you so you can access this. I don't really care who reads this...I am just sick of all the strange comments/emails I can't understand (I believe you could just call it spam?).

changin' it up again

2009-12-18T00:22:00.004-06:00

mmm, lots of goodbyes lately.

I am not a fan of saying goodbye, mostly because I am terribly awkward and just bad at farewells. And, when other people get emotional, it makes me uncomfortable if I don't reciprocate the emotion (and every goodbye isn't emotional, but some are). Also, I feel like in my lifetime I will come across the right people at the right times, and meeting again is certain for those who are friends.

I guess it all comes down to my belief that everything is working out for the best.
I am sure everything happens as it should because in my soul I know that we are all connected. We are part of something larger. I know within me that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it.

Well, just a few more goodbyes, 1 more test, packing all my stuff, and a terribly long trip to get back home.

ahh...then off to the mountains :)

This is Home

2009-12-11T23:54:00.000-06:00

When my life becomes too ordinary, when my perspective of every relationship and every situation gets clouded, and when I forget what my life means, there has only been one place that represents the remedy. I flee from civilization and go to the most natural place I know. I get back to creation. Of all the places I have fled to, Yosemite National Park has created the greatest change. It has helped me to make a new start.

Maybe it is the altitude that makes me feel so refreshed, or perhaps it is the cleaner or thinner air. Reflecting on the natural processes of this creation could be what does it. It might be all of these things, but I really believe it is more than just the creation that can produce such a drastic change in my entire being. The Creator is at work in Yosemite. That is not to say that the Creator is not at work in every other place imaginable, but for me the clarity and beauty of His work is the most undeniably obvious in the wilderness, and in my experience, Yosemite Valley.

After being in the thick, smoky, smoggy air of Los Angeles and a long, air-conditioned drive away from the workings of society, the first step and concurrent first breath of the much purer air of Yosemite brings life and joy not only to my lungs but to my entire being. My whole body, mind, and soul sigh as if I have been travelling and even struggling my whole life to reach this point in time. The best part about this moment is knowing that it is just the beginning of a timeless journey. And it will be a journey, no doubt; travelling from one physical place to another, but also a much grander path from one point of being to another much improved one.

As I walk on this journey, I have the opportunity to meet with our creator in a truly unique way. In my life, I am rarely able to slow down to the degree I can slow down here. In this place, I have extended fellowship with God. There is nothing I could be doing other than just being with and thinking about God, and there is no place where it has ever been easier. There are no friends to talk with, no classes to attend, no homework to do, no music to entertain or books to distract. There is just me—naked, sinful, vulnerable, and weak. In this primitive state, there is no choice but to get back to the foundations of who I am so that Christ can build on that foundation as He will. It seems like a love affair to me. I can sneak away with Him for awhile and nothing other than thoughts of Him enter my mind. During this time, I feel like I am the only one He has eyes for. Of course I am aware that He loves each unique person as much as He loves me, but that is hard to believe in this place because it does not make sense to me how He could possibly have enough love for every person to receive as much as I have.

As I sit in the shade of a tree and watch the entire valley below me and the entire sky above me, I gather a renewed perspective of my life.. In this way, I have the opportunity to think of the world from God’s point of view. Especially when life is difficult, this perspective sharpens my vision of the unseen, and lets the immediate, tangible things drop into proper place. My spiritual defenses are strengthened while I “fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For…what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).

In this place, my creative senses feel awakened. It makes me want to create something, anything. This place makes me want to paint, or sculpt, or make music. Sometimes when I am painting, I am so enveloped in every detail of the image that my face gets so close to the canvas that my nose gets paint on it. It is usually at that instant when I realize that I haven’t seen the painting in its entirety in a while, and I need to step back several feet and see how all the details come together to create an accomplished work. Yosemite is where I can step back to examine the whole canvas of my life.

As I lay on my back watching the illuminated sky and the stars skittering across it, I think about how I am seeing the stars years after they have passed by. I deeply breathe in this incredible mountain air, and I think about how good it is just to be alive. It is in this moment that I can prayerfully consider my life before the Lord. I can think about important decisions that I have to make and the fears that feel like a heavy weight. In this wilderness, God gives me plans and purposes so that I will be ready when opportunity comes. When I swim in the clear mountain lakes, when I sleep on the cliffs staring at the stars, and when I watch the storms of light and color pass by, I feel like every thought comes easier. Every passion that I have is more evident. Life seems simpler. My heart feels at home. I feel prepared to take on whatever may happen next.

I can see not only my own life in an insane lucidity, but I feel like I can make connections in my life from Yosemite. Not only connections in life, but even more so, I feel connected to life itself. When people and the world seem fractured, broken, and isolated, I look around and see how much control the Creator has over absolutely everything, and I am encouraged. I am reminded that there is a plan, a design, and a power beyond the visible world that provides meaning, comfort, and confidence. The air, the rocks, the trees, the open sky all remind me that we are a part of something larger; we are not isolated from one another or the earth and the life on it. From here, I am encouraged to live knowing that we have deep roots in our environment, the earth, and the cycles of nature. From here, I can see how I can live knowing each person and each situation is connected in some way beyond our imagination.

This journey through Yosemite is a great one that I am sure to make many more times in my life, but for now this is enough. I can leave this haven feeling an immense amount of gratitude. I leave purified: without fear and without envy. When I am in a place that screams the beauty and greatness of God like Yosemite does, I have hope that things will fall into place. I have no doubt that transformation takes place in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. This is not a normal place. This is a deeply spiritual place where God is present. For me, it is a place of transformation, a place to evaluate goals, get direction, make important decisions, and prepare for opportunities to come. It might seem like it is the things that I do in Yosemite that make it so spiritual, but really it is Yosemite that makes me do things that are inherently spiritual.

It is in this place that I am content. It is here that I feel at home. It feels like I have finally found where I belong. Yosemite is a place where I can expect God to meet me. It is a divine place in this material world. It is everything about how the trees, the light, the rocks, the dirt, the air, and the water come together that opens me up to see God most clearly.

follow up on that last entry

2009-12-11T19:33:00.002-06:00

ah, I must clear up my last clouded, emotional post.

Here's the deal: it is the end of the semester and everyone is feeling like we only have one more week to get to know each other (or at least those of us studying off campus next semester) and yet we all have a bunch of work to do for finals and wrapping up the end of the semester academic work. So, while we want to be with other people what we really need to do is focus on academics (yet still being an encouragement to one another and refreshing each other with a bit of joviality).

I have this crazy opportunity right now to just sit around, read books, have conversations about the books I read, and connect all that I am learning to the Christian life. . . and I yet I tend to forget how incredible of an opportunity this is. I am feeling so grateful for this experience right now, and I am excited to reflect on all that I have learned this semester before I get nice break.

(p.s. it is raining right now. rain always makes me want to stay inside and read with a cup of warm something-or-another, so what better time for rain in sunny California than the weekend before finals?)

friends?

2009-12-11T17:28:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's just because of finals and the end of the semester, but I am feeling incredibly disconnected from everyone around me. All of the sudden I feel like all my relationships are fake. How well do I really know people...or really, does anyone really know me? and what does "knowing" a person entail? Can anyone actually know me?

I am realizing how much emphasis I put on friendships and relationships with other people. I expect some kind of satisfaction from community, some sense of worth or feeling loved and known, but maybe that is a futile desire. I am realizing that no one will ever know me like I know myself or like God knows me...and I think I knew that before I just never understood what I was doing.

So, as soon as I started thinking these things this morning, I wanted to go talk to the people who I think know me just to get some kind of affirmation that this is false. I wanted the people around me to tell me that they really were friends that they care about me and want to be with me. But of course that didn't happen. Instead I felt more left out and more alone.

Alone. a word that has defined so much of my life so far. and now I am finally understanding why: I desire too much from earthly relationships. Its like I expect all my friends to be Jesus and that is just ridiculous. They cannot be that for me. So when they can't be what I want them to be, I am left feeling lonely. It leaves me feeling hurt and unwanted.

This is why I feel alone in groups. why I feel like I don't have friends. why I feel left out so often. because I don't understand friendship well enough to be a friend or have them.

Why did it take me so long to figure this out?

p.s. I probably shouldn't post all this self-reflection online for everyone to see. hmm. oh well. you know how when you write sometimes it reveals thoughts you never knew you had? that's why I have this blog...that's why i write stuff like this...because I feel something stirring inside me, know there's something in my head that needs to grow, and words let that happen. okay... I will stop writing.

2009-12-10T00:35:00.002-06:00

mmm....had my last concert tonight...at least for a while...

I can't explain how much I love making music. words don't really work well for that. if you are a lover of making music, you get it. if you love watching people make music, you probably get it too.

Music has the ability to make us more sensitive to beauty and live more closely to an Infinite, beyond this world. This allows us to have something to cling to, and thusly, experience more depth as a person. Music helps us develop more compassion, gentleness, love, and, in short, a greater appreciation of life. . . . i think.

am i really all the things that are outside of me?

2009-12-09T01:55:00.003-06:00

judgement.

i'm done with it.

complaints and confession

2009-12-06T23:58:00.003-06:00

I've spent almost the entirety of this weekend working on a paper that has wiped away almost any intellectual pride I had. meh. I'm feeling rather defeated right now.

but...now I have to write 25 stinkin' pages about myself and how I write. After the day I've had, it may turn out a little bit negative. oh dear.

oh. and this stupid fridge next to me sounds like a rocket getting ready to launch. and all the lights keep burning out in my room.

but hey, I got to hang out with 2 pretty rockin dogs (and lovely people) for a couple hours tonight. why do animals make me so happy? so strange.
------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a really irrational fear. Sometimes I will listen to a lecture, sit through a class, or watch a documentary and truly fear that I won't remember it and will forget how to absorb information. I think that I will forget how to learn or digest new ideas. I am seriously scared of this happening. I think that I love new ideas and learning so much that to lose that ability would truly break my heart. but why this fear?

Desiderata ~ OR "Things to be Desired"

2009-12-04T12:17:00.004-06:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace
there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and
lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career,
however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing
fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what
virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and
disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield
you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep
peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and
broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

books. books. i like books.

2009-12-03T02:53:00.005-06:00

(after typing that title...the word "book" seems so strange. Say it out loud like 20 times. do it. so weird, right? or say your name out loud to yourself. Why do words sound so weird sometimes? words...I have lots of words to say about words because I like them oh so much. my favorite part about writing is choosing the perfect words to make the reader really experience something...even though I don't always do that on this blog deal. okay, no more rambling...I'll let you read on.)

I was exploring a lovely used book store the other day. (two words I feel must always be associated with a used book store: explore and lovely) My friend and I were searching through the books of poems and I came across one by George Kitching and my friend found one that sparked her interests. We proceeded to read poems out loud to each other until we were finished.

Here's something I kind of liked:

We often hear people dispute respecting the beauty of something. One says it is beautiful, another that it is not; both are evidently sincere. How does the real difference occur ? We will turn to music. Some admire a song, others do not like it; the reason is the same in both cases. The education has been different, and the power of criticism therefore varies; one is evidently inferior in judgment to the other. Now the musician who is perfect in his art has made, as it were, his own mind beautiful; he can therefore feel, as it were, beauties that a less cultured mind cannot apprehend. So it is with art or the appreciation of true beauty. The mind that is most thoroughly cultured in art can see the beauties of a face the best; but there is a beauty of the soul, the inward mind, that only the beautiful in soul can appreciate.

Well, I didn't buy the book; it cost a bit much for me. I found the book on google if you are interested. It doesn't feel quite the same to read poetry (or anything really) from a computer screen as it does from a fragile book worn through by previous readers...oh well. The words are the same I guess...

2009-12-02T21:31:00.002-06:00

"How is it December 2nd already?" seems to be a phrase thrown around a lot today. I have seven days of school left. seven. that is madness. (then a week of finals) I am feeling kind of at home here, happy with the friendships here...I think.

Now I am fleeing to the mountains. I have been thinking that it is kind of bittersweet to be leaving my new friends. But, it is definitely more sweet than bitter. The academics here have been...mediocre so far. I really want everything I know to be challenged; I want to learn to think in a new way. I think the academics at the High Sierra campus will be more challenging for me, and I am thrilled about that. Have I written all this before? I feel like I probably have. Or maybe you are thoroughly confused. I don't know.

I think I like this campus alright. I just like fewer people and more trees better. I also like clean air better.

I am not writing well this evening, and it's annoying me quite a bit. sometimes words come easily for me, and sometimes I can barely grasp the ones I need.

Well, since I don't know what else to write... if you feel like visiting Yosemite or the Ansel Adams Wilderness, you should do so between January and May and come visit me in Bass Lake!

2009-11-30T01:21:00.002-06:00

Oh, I don't like posting links all the time...but I have spent most of the past 5 days alone, and I want to share with you a lovely blog.

http://intothehermitage.blogspot.com/

2009-11-28T15:25:00.000-06:00

oh this is beautiful.

http://www.dayswithmyfather.com/

till they're gone

2009-11-25T13:51:00.003-06:00

It is really interesting to me that I don't realize how much I like people until they are gone. I am so apt to take the people I love for granted. You know that feeling you get when you miss someone, and you can feel it deep in your chest somewhere. It kind of feels like heartburn at first or maybe like you are going to gag...but then you realize it's a different part of your body that is uncomfortable. I don't know what part it is...but I can feel it. Somewhere between my throat and stomach.

I just drove for the first time on the LA freeways, and that was quite enjoyable. I dropped my friends off at the airport and then drove back (I almost wrote "drove back home", then that made me a little scared. Isn't there a quote from Garden State about when your home doesn't feel like home anymore, just a place to store your crap? I drove back to school).

I have that feeling right now where I could cry at any moment; (I love semicolons)I would just need a little something to push me, like a song or certain person. Oh, I am happy right now and excited about lots of things...just thinking about how much I like some people and how much I need to tell them that.

to be alone

2009-11-23T02:31:00.004-06:00

I am realizing how worn out I get when I am around other people. Some people feel so energized after being around people, but after awhile I get so tired that I need to be alone again. All those silly tests always say I am introverted (of course I am probably silly for taking all those silly tests)...maybe that has something to do with it.

For instance, today I worked on three group projects, explored the tunnel system of Azusa with some folks, and just sat around for a while with friends, but I was just so tired emotionally that I needed to leave to be alone. Yesterday I went canyoneering in a nearby canyon (don't worry, I had no idea what this was yesterday either...sounds hardcore though, right?), napped, played a concert, watched a movie, hung out with friends...all of these things (except that 30 minute nap) were with other people. I can't tell you how badly I wanted to be alone that night.

When I feel like being alone, I get so irritated with other people. I get really negative and think about all the reasons I don't want to be with the people I am with. Then I generally feel pretty bad when I do get to be alone because I was not incredibly kind to the people I was with.

So basically, I could have just told you that I like to be alone sometimes. Instead I over analyzed my entire weekend. and rambled a bunch. (I'll have lots of alone time this week as everyone else is going home to GiveThanks. I plan on reading on rooftops a lot)

oh yea,those silly tests that I mentioned earlier...I love 'em. For school we had to take this "Strengths Quest" which might seem kind of cheesy...well, it is cheesy...but I love it. I always knew the things I was bad at and felt like I needed to fix them, but this test helped me see that parts of my personality are good and should be remembered and thought about as strengths. (if you know anything about this test...I would love to talk to you about it. I love hearing what other people's strengths are. they help you understand people better and see the good in them so easily). I want to tell you all my top 5 strengths right now...but they would mean nothing to most. I like Myers-Briggs too, but I would feel weird telling you how it classifies me without hearing your results...so I'm not going to tell you on here. (you should take it and then we should talk about it! do it!)

2009-11-17T05:12:00.003-06:00

Tonight and the past few days have made me think about how I act in relation to different people.
I am realizing how much more I enjoy being with people one on one than in a group of people. When I am with a group of people, especially people I don't know all that well, I get so incredibly uncomfortable. And it's not only discomfort, but an extreme loneliness. Also if I am with 5 or 6 people that I do know and like really well, I am still not completely myself. I don't talk very much in a group that size, so I just feel disconnected and once again, lonely.

But why do I do this? Why am I not able to be myself completely around everyone? Why does my personality just shut down immediately when I am in a group situation?

It just makes me feel lonely and sad. and wonder why I cannot be myself always.

It makes me want to sleep in a pile.

Heavy heavy heavy

2009-11-05T09:44:00.003-06:00

I am learning so much about the pain and suffering in this world. and it hurts so bad. to hear about my brothers and sisters. to hear about God's own creation, made in his image. to hear about people that Christ died for. to hear the horrors that governments and powerful systems have done...

I am doing a research paper on torture and Guantanamo Bay. I am hearing stories about slavery in Azusa. I am watching documentaries on sex-trafficking. documentaries about North Korea. Stories of hurt and pain from around the world that I have heard in the past two weeks are ripping apart my heart.

And yes, it hurts.

I don't usually respond emotionally to anything, really. I immediately start thinking and making connections in my mind and I never give my heart time to respond. I also respond physically. As I sat in the library reading books about Guantanamo, I started shaking.. Violence in books or movies always makes my stomach hurt. At one point, I had to stop reading for fear of throwing up. But...nothing emotionally. nothing.

Until Wednesday night when I went to chapel. As the room began worshipping, I started thinking about all that I had absorbed the past couple weeks. I thought about how many things we do that hurt God. We treat other human beings as if they are less than human...how much that must hurt God to see his beautiful creation being torn apart. And I started crying, and then I couldn't stop. I didn't stop throughout the worship. or throughout the speaker. or after I left the building. It took me an hour or two to process it all. Sleep didn't come very easily that night.

Throughout processing this all, I have still found this hope.

That God will take this darkness and turn it into light.
He is bringing about this Shalom. Restoring relationships and community.

My heart just feels so heavy right now.

---------------------------------------------
p.s. I love the word namaste. "I see God in you" (that's probably an incredibly rough translation...but isn't it beautiful?). You are made in the image of God, and I see that. You are a beautiful creation that reflects all that He is. You are His. ahhhh....so good.

2009-10-28T09:53:00.003-05:00

So, I kind of have a huge problem with short term mission trips. After the few that I have been on, I just feel like there are really grave problems surrrounding them which I may or may not write about later.
But right now I feel such a desire to go somewhere. If in heaven there are going to be people of every tribe, tongue and language, do we not need to be advancing the kindgdom of God in every nation now? As a desendent of Abraham, of Israel, should I be sent away?
Or do I live my life here and now investing my love and care into the people that surround me as I live through each day?

I feel like the Christian concept of "missions" is really strange, and I just don't know exactly how I feel about it right now.
-----------------------------------

I don't tell the people that I love how much I love them often enough.

2009-10-18T11:19:00.002-05:00

I saw Where the Wild Things Are last night.

I have heard so many criticisms of it, but I liked it a lot. I thought it was beautiful. I understood Max. I get that sadness and loneliness and the need for forgiveness. It made me want to run around and play in the forest, cuddle in a pile of furry creatures, and build a fort (which is exactly what I did when I got back to my room).

I absolutely loved that it was not computerized...so refreshing.

I guess I felt the need to write this because I enjoyed it so much and I don't really understand why people see movies and feel the need to tell their every judgement of it. Can you and I go and enjoy this creative endeavor together? And afterward let's talk about how it affected us. Why do people instead talk about all the things they don't like and criticize the art? (maybe I am over analyzing the movie-going habits of the people around me...it just made me feel foolish that I liked it so much)

It looked lovely. It sounded lovely. It made me think about life and humanity. It compelled me to contemplate my life.

Every line of this entry starts with I. just thought you should know.

2009-10-17T18:50:00.002-05:00

I am kind of overwhelmed with the beauty of so many people around me.

I am feeling like an ass though. I am learning what it means to be willing to fail and taking ownership of the foolish things I do.

I celebrated the Jewish Sabbath, Shabbat Shalom, last night. It was one of the best meals I have ever had. An evening of gratitude, and learning about people, and having conversations that were so beautiful I was almost brought to tears. Jesus himself is within these people. and that radical love breaks my heart. It is crazy to think that Jesus said those same prayers that I said and had a similar experience of community and thanksgiving every seventh day of his life. I love those traditions that are sopping in history. I love being a part of something so great. oh so great.

I am studying so many things that are utterly heart-breaking. It would be so easy to become bitter and angry at America and at Christians. I am just realizing how much I am going to have to rely on God the next few years as I learn about and experience some rather evil things that man is doing.

I just enjoyed a lovely cup of roobios tea. mmm. Now I am going to consume as much Vitamin C as I can so that The Swine doesn't get me.

2009-10-11T23:14:00.002-05:00

Writing on Sundays is becoming a bit of a habit.

I had a little bit of an adventure this weekend. I went to La Jolla cove/beach near San Diego. I kayaked in the ocean. Here are some of my favorite parts of the weekend:

Watching the sea lions. They were just laying out on the rocks, spooning with each other and just relaxing and enjoying themselves greatly. They were eating the fish in the ocean too...that was exciting.
I snorkeled a bit and saw some beautiful leopard sharks. Their skin is really incredible. I also followed some rays around for a while.
A couple new friends and I kayaked out to the end of a pier and found some chain ladders going from the water to the top of the pier (maybe about 30 feet up). So we got out of our kayaks (one at a time, of course) and made the ascent to the top of that bugger, took a great gulp of air, pushed off the pier, and flew through the air into the refreshing water. Ahh...why is jumping off things so exhilirating?
Sat out on a cliff watching the ocean at night with a new friend.
Slept peacefully through the night in my sleeping bag in the fresh air...until 3 in the morning when the automatic sprinklers sprang a suprise attack on me. Thank you Point Loma Nazarene University for keeping your grass so well-watered.
Spent my Sunday playing at the beach some more, having battles with seaweed as our weapons, and climbing rocks.
Had another war tonight, except our ammunition was bottles of paint. What if when we waged actual wars, we really did use paint or seaweed or water guns.

2009-10-09T18:16:00.001-05:00

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that.
Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

– Harold Whitman

Brobdingnagian (sweet word, right? reminds me of Kurt Vonnegut)

2009-10-09T00:38:00.004-05:00

I am just thoroughly happy right now.
My room is thoroughly stocked with everything I enjoy. A lovely selection of my favorite teas (rooibos, yerba mate, chai, green-jasmine), some dried blueberries, raw almonds, dark chocolate raisins, guacamole and fresh tortilla chips. I've got plenty of books. I feel like books kind of become a part of me once I read them. The ideas from the author get stirred up with my own ideas and experiences and they just become a part of how I view the world. I love that so much.

I am finding spots around here that I like to be. Places to study, to read, to make music...places that feel like my own I guess. I love the Theological library. The floors squeak. I want to read every book in that library. There is also a nice patch of grass and trees (some might call it a garden) outside that library where I like to be before noon because the sun is at a pleasing angle then. Between 5 and 7, there are some tables I like to sit at where the sun shines a little bit. I can sit there until the sun goes behind a building, then it gets a little chilly. I like the way the sun shines through the palm trees as it sets. There is also a great tree that I think God made for us to sit in and read or take naps. It is perfectly formed for people to lay in it. perfect. The smog here makes it kind of difficult to breathe sometimes, but it makes every single sunset really beautiful.

Does anyone else think that maybe time changes? September went by really fast for me and other people too. Maybe it really did go by faster and it is not just a feeling. Maybe time can bend a bit... we just don't really understand it. Maybe not.

Oh hey, Transamerica bike trail summer 2010 (Astoria, Oregon to Yorktown, Virginia). Tell all your friends. I have found a vagabond to join me (if I can find him in May) and lots of "maybes" from those who probably will end up doing something much less story-worthy. I will work many days of my life...and those days will be good ones no doubt. But, I have a body that can ride a bike and sleep on the ground right now...so I am going to use it well.

I feel like I just think about God all the time, and then when I get on here that is what comes out

2009-10-04T23:29:00.015-05:00

I can't really explain my love of Sundays. They are always my favorite day of the week. Keeping the sabbath is something I have come to love.

I feel like a lot of the time when I say I pray, I don't actually pray. I like to just be in the presence of God sometimes. Just me and Him. Neither of us have to speak. And it just makes me so happy, so content to be with someone who loves me that much and who I am learning to love. I know how badly he wants to be the lover of my soul and I hate that I consistently run after other things that I think will please me, but he knows I will never find something as good as Him. I know I will never find something as good as Him.

Imagine him just longing after me wanting me to love him, but instead I ignore him and I love myself, and boys, and love , and food, and the acceptance of other people, and adventure...but mostly myself. I imagine him watching me loving everything but him, and it makes me think of all the times I have watched other people love everything but me and how heart-wrenching that feeling is. How can I treat the one who loves me like no one will ever love me like I do? (woah, that was a confusing sentence)

But He can teach me to love Him, and I am the most ready to learn now than I ever have been. And His Spirit is in me because of His son. And His spirit within me produces incredible fruit in my life, specifically the ability to love. And that makes me so excited. like jump-up-and-down, dance-around-the-room, talk-way-too-loud-for-the-situation-I'm-in-and-make-people-stare excited.

I could run with super-speed like Elijah.

(please call me and I will tell you this story if you don't know it. It is my favorite story ever. ever. The way I tell it will make you love it too. You could read it yourself, but I would be absolutely thrilled to tell it to you. thrilled.)

2009-10-03T12:10:00.001-05:00

I got shoes
You got shoes,
All God's children got shoes.
When we get to heaven
We're goin' to put on our shoes
An' shout all over God's heaven,
Heaven! Heaven!

2009-09-26T00:20:00.002-05:00

so now that I complained a bunch on here, I feel like I should write something to offset all that negativity.

Some wonderful things happening:

1. This newest Sleeping at Last album is just beautiful. The music is beautiful, but what brings me to tears are the incredible lyrics. it is just so good. i can't explain it. give it a listen.

2. I got to hear Donald Miller speak twice today! In chapel, he talked about that Romeo and Juliet part in the end of Searching for God Knows What. And oh, I love that part. Sarah Isaacs also spoke this evening before him.
The two of them just made me remember how much God loves me, and how much He wants me to love him back. People say his love for us is agape-love. yea, it's not. Agape love wants nothing back...but God longs for us to love him back. He wants to be the lover of my soul.

3. I went to Liturgical chapel last night (yea, I went to chapel a lot this week). We worshipped with a piano and violin. Violins are one instrument that just make my whole body feel good. (along with cellos, and oboes, and french horns...and well, a multitude of instruments really)

4. I got mail again! I love mail. You should send me some! It makes me so happy when my mailbox has something in it.
Azusa Pacific University
PO Box 9521 #7102
Azusa, CA 91702

5. It is Friday...which means I don't have a paper due tomorrow! Yes. happy weekend. merry weekend? Feliz fin de la semana? we should have some kind of celebratory phrase for the weekend.

6. I have a bed to sleep in. And now I am going to go sleep in it.

----------------------------------------
wait. a few more things.

I feel like I want to make plans for next semester, but I feel like they are just going to drastically change after I feel comfortable with them. Do I go to the mountains? Do I go to another country? Do I stay in LA? Oh, I don't know what will happen....and I love not knowing because I know everything will fall into place.

oh. I want to ride my bike across the country. summer 2010, anyone?

a sub-par entry. sorry.

2009-09-23T17:46:00.003-05:00

I need to complain for a second:

When I walk into the band room at APU, I have to grab on to something sturdy to avoid getting knocked to the floor by the stench of pride that fills the thickening air.

If you are teacher, your job is to communicate with the students clearly so that they can learn something valuable. Your job is not to show off your ability to use big words in ways that students cannot understand anything you are trying to teach. And you have met famous people and been invited to do things with people who have well-known names? That's great, really, but I don't give a crap. I am in your class to learn about the bible. I do not want a good grade. I want to learn something that will screw with my mind. Please, teacher, teach me.

I just want one day without the task of writing a paper forming a nice dark cloud over my head.

done complaining.
------------------------------------------

Good News! Richard Foster agreed to let me interview him about his spiritual life! I asked Shane Claiborne and Rob Bell too, but they haven't replied yet. (if you have any burning questions for this wonderful Quaker about his spiritual life, I would love to ask him for you!)

I have to write a paper on a well-known person whose spiritual life I admire, so the interview has come about.

Right now I am avoiding writing another paper. Or I am letting my thoughts simmer...whatever you want to call it. It has to be about a place that holds spiritual significance for me. I haven't a clue what it is going to be about.
---------------------------------------------
Here I am safe at last
In Your arms and in Your hands
My body's weak but You are stronger
You will carry me

Because You --- offer a life that is whole
You brighten my darkened soul
A mystery that I long to know
I am Yours

Here I am full of hope
Not weighed down anymore
Knowing you changes me
Never let me leave
(by andrew and jen polfer, performed by lovelite--The Fullness)

Clasping of Hands

2009-09-22T16:10:00.002-05:00

LORD, Thou art mine, and I am Thine,
If mine I am; and Thine much more
Then I or ought or can be mine.
Yet to be Thine doth me restore,
So that again I now am mine,
And with advantage mine the more,
Since this being mine brings with it Thine,
And Thou with me dost Thee restore:
If I without Thee would be mine,
I neither should be mine nor Thine.

Lord, I am Thine, and Thou art mine;
So mine Thou art, that something more
I may presume Thee mine then Thine,
For Thou didst suffer to restore
Not Thee, but me, and to be mine:
And with advantage mine the more,
Since Thou in death wast none of Thine,
Yet then as mine didst me restore:
O, be mine still; still make me Thine;
Or rather make no Thine and Mine.

George Herbert

(Poetry is really hard for me. I cannot write it. Reading it and understanding it is even difficult. It takes more than several times of reading it through and out loud to really grasp it. But I like George Herbert. Does his poem "Church Music" have any influence on David Crowder's new album?)

God's beautiful rocks and people

2009-09-20T23:20:00.004-05:00

I just got back from a wonderful weekend in the mountains. Living in Illinois my whole life, I never experienced the mountains, but here in California I have been to them twice now. And every time I leave them I can't explain how much I want to go back.

I got out of the car in the mountains, and took a deep breath. The air is more pure and sweet there than any other air I have breathed. Just breathing in the air makes me feel like my soul is cleaner and I can think with such great clarity.

I climbed to the top of a beautiful fatty rock after being the most fatigued I have ever been in my life and stayed awake just long enough to see the sun creep over the mountains. The beautiful trees and rocks and stars and sky are just breathtaking, but this weekend I was utterly astounded by the uniqueness and beauty of the people God has created.

I miss the mountains and the community formed by being in God's creation together so much once I leave it. Tonight when I walked, well tiredly stumbled really, into my dorm room, I felt like I was home. And I thought, "it feels good to be home". I feel like I have been here for so long even though it has only been two and half weeks.

And I am so glad that God is in the mountains and the trees and the pure mountain air, but God is here too in smoggy, dirty LA.

(Seriously...this thing is almost vertical. Praise God I made it to the top of this sucker. This beautiful rock is called Half-Dome. It is in Yosemite...in case you didn't know...)

taken from Longing for God by Richard Foster

2009-09-15T23:57:00.002-05:00

Today, Lord,

teach me somehow to bless every person I meet.

Show me the preciousness of each individual.

Fill my mind with creative new ideas and

show me how to break the horns of cruel dilemmas.

May divine love become more real to us today... & every day.

May we want to experience divine love more.

May we want to love you more.

Please, Lord, transform our "wanting".

We would like to grow in love with you as well as fall in love with you.

Show us the way.

Amen.

glorious living

2009-09-03T20:22:00.003-05:00

Hey, so I moved to California today.

Oh yea, I read some Ephesians the other day, and I like it.

"It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we're living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and god our hopes up, He had His eyes on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of th eoverall purpose He is working out in everything and everyone." (Eph 1:11-12 "The Message")

I don't usually use The Message as an accurate source, but I really love the phrase glorious living. But, I wanted to define it. It sounds good, glorious living, but what does that mean for me?

Maybe glorious living for a painter is getting a bunch of bearded men in Mormon-dominant Utah to pose as Jesus and the disciples (This American Life). Maybe it is giving away everything God has provided for you and living in a tent, or maybe not. Maybe it is using less water, so your brothers and sisters have more. Maybe it is eating less, so your malnourished neighbors can live healthy lives. Or maybe it is something bigger than that, like quiting your accounting job and moving to India to open a necklace-making business so prostitutes can make a living a better way. Maybe something just as grand: keeping your accounting job and instead of buying coffee and netflix everyday you use the money to pay for groceries for the disabled widow down the street. Maybe glorious living is saying "sorry" or "I love you". Maybe it is listening and laughing. Maybe it is giving or a hug. or getting one.

Maybe it is all these things. or none. To me, glorious living is bringing shalom to the world in whatever way you can. There can't be a specific way because each person is so unique.

Just some thoughts that have been floating around in my mind lately that I wanted to spit out.

I am a Tree

2009-08-16T18:45:00.004-05:00

Woke up this morning, pleased to be going to worship with the church and learn something meaningful.

I love singing with a group of people who also recognize the smallness of our lives and desire to love the God who loves us. And it was good this morning, as it always is when I grasp that something bigger than me is going on. The pastor and several folks that got baptised last weekend had a conversation about baptism and the impact on their lives.

I was baptised as a baby. I have seen a few baptisms since then. I have always known it was commanded by Jesus, yet I always had this ridiculous thought in my mind that it wasn't that important. I think it was mostly my pride. I just never did it. In Peru, most of my team was baptized in the Amazon River as I watched, yet I never thought about it. I never did it in the giant bathtub. I just didn't. I have no excuse for not obeying.

For the past week and half, I have felt something missing in my relationship with God. There is a bunch of garbage I am coming to terms with in my life. I am accepting that it is there, and seeing how it screws around with the rest of my life and the lives of the people around me. But, I have also felt like I don't know what to do NOW. In these last two weeks before my surroundings change, do I just wait for that time to come? What do I do now?

So the sermon/conversation ends. I am thinking about how I would like to get baptised, but there has never been an opportunity that I was willing to participate in. Then, the pastor explains that God talked to him earlier in the week telling him to be ready to baptise people this weekend. So, he bought a pool (and shirts, shorts, flip flops, underwear, hair crap, make-up remover). They tried to get rid of any excuse people could make not to get baptised. Then he invited anyone to go change into some clothes and let the world know they were in love with God.

I could feel my heart beating real fast, getting a little shaky. The band started playing a song and everyone started singing. I wasn't thinking about worship. I was thinking: this is my second week at this church, I don't know anyone, my parents aren't here, I don't know the pastor WAIT why not? I need to do this. I want to do this. I'm in love with God and God's in love with me. This is who I am and this is who I'll be. That settles it. Completely.

I looked at my brother and we both kind of said "You wanna do it?"

You know the rest of the story, I think.

2009-08-14T19:37:00.002-05:00

So, this was my first shot at doing anything like this. I am kind of unhappy with it. I am excited to keep trying different things with different materials. This time I used an apple and a lime.

I don't know if this is art or a craft. Art makes me think of something completely different than Crafts. meh, why does it matter what it is called.

I made something. Something new. It took a bit o' creativity. That's a good thing.

2009-08-14T16:37:00.002-05:00

A Recommendation for You:

I just listened to a podcast (sermon) that was profound and beautiful. I would post a link to it if I knew how, but I don't.

It is about singing in church.

It is a Mars Hill Bible Church Podcast from 7/25/09 entitled Why to Sing by Rob Bell and Troy Hatfield.

2009-08-14T11:20:00.002-05:00

I tried printmaking for the first time.

my materials:

I'm not very happy with the prints, I might fix 'em up a little, then maybe put a picture up.

The lime didn't work well. and it smelled weird mixed with paint.

another absurd entry...sorry

2009-08-12T23:07:00.010-05:00

I thought I would share what I do in my incredibly interesting life.

I hear lots of people talking about "not having enough time". That whole phrase doesn't really make sense to me because, first of all, you cannot have time like you have a book or something, it is just an idea, so there is no way you could not have enough of it. Secondly, well I actually don't have a second thought about it anymore.

Well...what I am getting at is this: if time can be had...then I have too much of it right now. If it were possible, I would give my extra time to all those people whose time is hiding in a bush or is off wandering. I would probably put it in a package with a nice bow and send it to them in the mail. I don't know if time does well in the mail...does it get torn or bent? carsick? does it need bubble wrap? how much does it weigh? I don't know...that all seems a bit too difficult. (I use ... way to much...it annoys me...it probably annoys you too...why do I continue to do it... ... ...)

Well this is what my large amount of time and I have done today:

Made a map of the creases in the palm of my left hand...so I never get lost?

Drew a map of my favorite sitting spots by my house. Maybe I will give it to someone I like so they can enjoy these spots too.

Made a list of all the things I do to escape, just in case I lose my mind (don't worry that won't happen, I've got a map of that too and a tracking device on it)

Cut abuncha (don't worry, it's a word. It's England English for a-bunch-of. Trust me. It's okay) circles out of lotsa (again, England English. This is okay too.) pages in a magazine, and glued them in my journal. (can you guess the magazine?)

AND I wrote an award-worthy post on my blog. (It couldn't have been done without my loyal companion, Time, I love you man)

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