hah..my facebook account was disabled....



... for sending people spam with inappropriate content.
i have no idea. whatever.

school starts. in years past that has meant a huge increase of loneliness in my life.

hopefully things are different this year. ha. that is so cliche. well, i am being serious. i actually know who i am this year, unlike other years.

i like learning. i am a loser. i love knowing more and being taught new things.
this year i can handle having zero friends at school. previous years, just one friend or people that looked like friends gave me some confidence. this year, there aren't even people that look like friends. i am less shy as well.



also....i am not living for myself anymore. that changes things a bit. ( i didn't do that last year)

disgust of materialism.

i haven't been able to sleep lately.
i can't stop thinking about how much stuff i have in my room. i lay in bed and think of everything surrounding me and it makes me mad and disgusted.

a lot of it is art. my sculptures take up a lot of room. i don't know what else to do with them.

the rest of the stuff is books and clothes. i am going to get rid of more than half of my clothes by thanksgiving. my parents get really nervous when i give away large quantities of stuff at one time. so, i will make a trip to the Salvation Army today for a couple bags of clothes and shoes and other things. things. things. things.


but, i want to give the rest of my clothes away to people i actually have relationships with. this also challenges me to make relationships with more people who are need of simple things. i hate distanced charity. i want people to be warm this winter. my brothers, my sisters will be cold while i have an abundance of things to keep me warm.

what if shaun, my real brother, was freezing cold all winter and had nothing to keep him warm? what if he wanted to get a job but couldn't because he had nothing nice to go to an interview in?

Well, my earthly brother isn't going through that, but my other brothers and sisters are.
that's how i think of them. everyone, i guess.

so i don't know what my problem is, but i have a tendency to get very lonely very easily.

i rely on people too much.

i try to make my life really busy in order to pretend like i am not lonely.

i hate it so much.

but what i hate more is that other people are lonely too. i know what it feels like to be lonely, and i absolutely hate that other people are. i don't want them to be.

a tragedy.

i really horrible accident happened while i was driving tonight. it was so bad. if someone didn't die i would be surprised. i stopped to call the cops.

then i thought about how quickly death can come. and it is a tragedy.

i cried the rest of the way home for that person who was hit. i don't know if they are badly injured or dead or maybe fine. i don't know. i hate that.


i prayed that God would give me an opportunity on the way home to love someone or let someone know he is here. was that it?

things i don't do....but want to

Drive Responsibly: more biking, less driving. relates to conflict in the world.

Eat Responsibly: no junk, no processed food. need to know where it comes from, who is involved in the process. buy local.

Cool Down/Heat Up: AC and heat wastes coal. cutting down mountains. ruins homes. the earth.

Use less Water: next war in the world will probably be over water. shower a couple times a week.

Neighborhood Kids: tutoring. help latchkey kids.

Being a Friend: people are lonely. seriously.



yea. this is what's been on my mind.

woops. i wrote a lot.

Okay...so, here's what I've been thinking.

On the way to the airport (my dad was dropping me off) my dad was worrying a lot and he was mad at me because I forgot about the no liquids rule or whatever and I brought shampoo and toothpaste. I also forgot a plastic bag for my contacts. Anyway, he was pissed at me, so he stopped at target and got plastic bags. I was annoyed that he was so mad at me for such a simple mistake, he was just making me feel really stupid.
So, we got to the airport, and there were big problems with getting my ticket, so it took about an hour to fix that crap. I got through security just fine and got to my gate. Then the flight kept getting delayed, and they overbooked the flight.

Basically you didn't need to read that whole paragraph...and I had a lot of trouble getting on the plane to MN. So, I got on the plane, and the devil just began working in me. I had this weird feeling of death...like I was going to die. It was kind of fear, but more of an acceptance that I could (and was going to) die on the way to MN. But, I talked to God for the next hour and half and things really changed. It was good....fantastic, really. The plane landed perfectly, the lady next to me asked me if I had a nice nap to which I replied "wonderful" even though I was actually praying. I am a liar.

On this trip, I have learned to be happy with a lot and happy with a little. I have seen the love between these two people that is just incredible. God has given me so many opportunities. I was able to have so many good conversations, and pray with them, and read them the bible. On Sunday morning, we were eating breakfast on their deck, and they asked me to get my bible. I read some awesome scripture, we talked about how we are all doing in our lives...our struggles, our desires, and then I was able to pray for them. It was really fantastic.

This has been relaxing. and encouraging.


oh yea, my 56 year old grandma let me borrow her the new Coldplay album. that was weird. and sweet.

I am in a huge house/mansion with some folks i don't really know.

I am reading "Justice in the Burbs" and I am really liking it a lot.

I am thinking that Seattle is definitely a place I would like to live next year...even though I have never been there.

Today, I am letting my grandparents buy me crap that I will probably give away. meh, oh well. they don't ever have to know. I am making them happy by riding with them in their convertible, and letting them spend their money on me on things unneeded.

I slept in the biggest bed I have ever seen last night, and had the largest cup of coffee I have ever drank this morning after taking a ridiculously nice shower with a towel softer than I could imagine.
but, I was much happier (and more comfortable) taking a shower in the Amazon river and sleeping in a mosquito net on a floor of tree bark, and drinking instant coffee from a tin cup.

...titles are just so silly.

Tonight I am going to Minneapolis. This is going to be the most awkward weekend of my life. My mom's father and step-mother asked me to come visit them there. They have asked me to visit them a lot in every place they have lived, but I always ignore their requests. Due to my love of traveling, I said I would come visit them this time.

The thing is...I do not know them. I am 17 and I don't know my grandparents. It is only 4 days, but they will be 4 days of awkwardness. I have to tell them things that most people know about me, like: I am vegetarian (so all those meals you planned on cooking, you probably shouldn't), and I don't like shopping (so Mall of America isn't going to get me too excited). I will probably not say most things that I should say because that is always what i do.

I think I am a bit angry towards them because of the things they have done, but it's not hard for me to forget that. I still like them when I am with them. I hate their past, but I like them now as people, even love them as people....but not like the love I have for my other grandparents. I like that she is an artist and I like that they want me to come.

I have one other girl cousin, and I think that they assume I am like her. They will just have to find out that I am just a bit different...you know, like I'm not a porn model or whatever.

BUT...from what I hear, they live near a beautiful forest with lakes and hills....my kind of thing :) so hopefully I can do some thinking, and be outside.

I am getting to know my grandparents now that I am 17, that's better than never knowing them or meeting them at my wedding or something....that would be weird.

a useless entry...nothing thoughtful or exciting :/

I have just been tired of being at home. sick of the suburbs. frustrated with the tension and worry at home. not wanting to be alone anymore. so I left on monday. I drove down to Peking, Illinois.

I have been staying with different family members and friends around central Illinois. I've just been reading, and walking, and running. laughing and talking with family and friends. whenever I see my grandparents, they want to buy me stuff. It is annoying, because I just don't want anymore stuff. things things things....so many damn things. (i let them buy me some jeans and running shoes....it made them happy)

I like not knowing where I am going next. not knowing when I will leave or where I will go.

oh ha. this morning I was playing my guitar and singing a bit in the beautiful garden oasis in the backyard of this house I slept in. I stopped because I was going to leave, and realized that the neighbors had their heads over the fence watching me....I can't explain the awkwardness. i just smiled, chuckled a bit, blushed a lot, and hurried away.

i'm scared.