you know those romantic comedy movies that are all very similar? those screw with my emotions....and that is probably why I continue watching them.
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Lately, I have been playing my guitar a lot more. I guess for the past year, i have played it at least once everyday. But recently, I don't want to stop. I don't get any homework done. I know the chords, but sometimes I just play and don't worry about playing named chords. I just like to play what sounds beautiful.
The other day I was praying, but my words just seemed to useless and I wasn't able to express what I was thinking...so I opened up my trumpet case, and got out my guitar and harmonica and everything just came out perfectly. For me, words are so confusing and awkward. It is so awesome to create something that I understand perfectly and I know my God can too.

“I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create.” William Blake

sometimes I underestimate my God


he can change entire communities, towns, cities, country, continents, the world.

he has done it before.

plus... it is all his.


If I make a sculpture, I can add to it or fix it whenever I want.

i am so confused

i don't like where i am

i hate these suburbs

and you're going to have to kill me but I hate America (or at least what I see of America(ns))

and the church....i can't even explain this anger/rage/frustration


And this where i am. in the suburbs. in America. and in American church.
....and i don't know what to do about it.

After the Bomb(s)

There was a bomb threat at my school today, and maybe thats not a big deal to people because it has been happening quite a bit lately...but it really is a big deal. For me things completely changed when I heard about the threat. It was weird and frightening not feeling safe all of the sudden. School became optional because my life became more important. Thoughts were going through my head like, "was this serious or a joke...and how do i know?" or "do i go to school and hope it was a joke?" or "what happens if I don't go and there was no bomb?" or "what if I don't go and there is a bomb?...how will I feel if people I love get injured or hurt?".

It was just weird, and I understand (a little bit) how it feels for people whose lives are threatened everyday. It is scary and really horrible...wondering if the choices you make will lead to your death. I couldn't imagine dealing with that everyday.

But, I did end up going to school, and so did about 40% of the students. My classes had between 2 and 8 people in all of them, and I could walk through the hallways comfortably...instead of being pushed along by a mass of bodies. I also spent my art period hanging out in the basement with the janitor lady....it was enlightening (i was just moving a pallette of clay for my teacher).
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As for the books I am reading...they are all fantastic.

1. Walden I love this book. I have read it several times, but this time it is taking me REALLY long. I love how he thinks of life and simplicity. It encourages me to simplify my surroundings and thoughts.
2. A Clockwork Orange Now that I am reading it, I completely understand why it has a cult following. Alex is so easy to identify with...even though he does some horrible things. I still can't help but respect his yearning for intellect and frustration with society (and popular music). I love how he talks about music and how it completely changes his demeanor.
3.Jesus for President I have never understood the old testament better (he calls the old testament the Hebrew words or something like that...so it doesn't seem outdated as "old" implies). Shane Claiborne's views on everything is so interesting, and I love hearing what he has to say. I am not very far into this, but I feel like I have learned so much already about the government, society and God.
4. Voyage of the Dawn Treader Okay, I have read this like 6 times, but it is worth it. You should read it too. C.S. Lewis's imagination is wonderful and I feel like I am traveling to the awesome places with the kids in the books. His description at the end of the book is astounding. I love this series, and this one is by far the best of them all. Go read it. (please)

In about one month I am going to Peru. It has been on my mind more than anything lately, and I can't really figure out how I am feeling. I am excited...but I am also nervous. So maybe that is anxious. They expect me to get to know the team pretty well before we even meet in Atlanta. They want me to do this online. I hate that because it is so easy to be different online, and I am afraid of making assumptions about people before I actually meet them in person...and I am afraid they will do that about me too.

I have never lived out of a bag for a month. or wondered if I could shower for a month. I have never lived on a boat. in a rain forest. with people i have never met.

so this is making me very very very happy...and afraid, and nervous, and joyful. it makes me want to dance, and dream, and run, and shake.

(perhaps I am bipolar)