Lately, I have spent a lot of time alone, and it's been nice to think. These times when I don't really have many close friends are when I determine my beliefs and goals the best, I think.
After seeing Into the Wild , and then rewatching four more times, I haven't stopped thinking about what happiness is. Also, I am reading Walden again, and my beliefs are just changing so much. I am much more easily disturbed by crap now, and it frustrates me when other people make decisions that I may have made before.

And religion..
Prejudice and pride seem to be a huge problem that come with religious tradition and moral teaching. I think that ideals are something common to all humans and that values don't have to be linked to religion. we live on the same planet, in the same societies, and there is just a knowledge enough to treat other people with a certain respect. And,while everyone may believe something different, no one has the right to say they are superior over another morally. Also, while I think that discussion and even debate over is good, it seems screwed up when groups push (Forcefully) their beliefs on people who don't want to hear it.

And Christianity...
I feel is a faith rooted in belief, ACTION, and LOVE. It is an obsession with Christ. An obsession with his ideals of peacemaking, and caring, and hope, and -of course- love. It is NOT complacency, or ignorance, materialism, selfishness, or indifference. Why are Christians fighting in wars? Buying Hummers? No wonder deism is so popular. No wonder so many people are questioning, and confused. Why does the church always speak about life after death? I want life now. That is why Jesus died, right? LIFE (loving god, others, following Jesus, new experiences) today is beautiful, is what Jesus offers, but its not what the church is saying.
Following Jesus has been transformed to mean VBS, and not swearing, and voting republican, and agreeing with Bush. But, it's about beeing the church--the literal hands and feet of God.

And people....
people are just so mean to each other. I don't even understand why there is so much judgement and prejudice. People have made their lives so much about themselves that they aren't really living. If happiness is about relationships and experiences with other people, you could never be happy, never experience living with selfish desires. So many of the people around me are going to miss out on so much. But, the don't want change, and don't care about what will happen. I just wish there was a community of people that have similar dreams as me. People keep telling me I can't change the world, they laugh, they think it's a joke. But, I can't imagine how else I could live my life.

I have been changing and learning alone for a while now. I want, and kind of need,other people who think to talk to. Who challenge me more than I am able to challenge myself. Who have aspirations in their lives...similar to mine. To me...that's what the church should be. it's not though.

a simple shove

While avoiding writing some essays, I found a letter from my old English teacher. This is what the last paragraph said:

"I have always expected a lot out of you, and I hope you move through high school always expecting a lot out of yourself. You are the future of the world. You have a chance to end injustice, poverty, hunger, and war. I implore you to always work toward making our world a better place, and that you spend you life looking out beyond yourself to see how your actions impact your world. I urge you to have all of your actions be ones that make for a more fair, equitable world for every man, woman, and child in our global community. You have the power to make a difference. So get moving."

snails.

This morning i woke up to the sunshine in my eyes, and my own laughter. Then I proceeded to get in the shower, then throw every thing in my bathroom at a spider running around my feet in the bathtub. Then I laughed at myself for a while.
I was walking to school this morning, and I was thinking about these lyrics.

Snails see the benefits, the beauty in every inch

And supposedly this song is about sex, but that's not how I was thinking about it. I was thinking about how beautiful life it...the small things. Like, to smile when I feel the sunshine, and how it feels like I won the lottery when I find a quarter on the ground. Or, how breathing can give you so much energy and change a perspective. To laugh out loud when I think something is funny even if no one else does.

Since I was already going to be late to school (because of the spider problem), I decided just to keep walking. It was sunny and I was happy, and wanted to think, so i just kept going. And it was great. But, all day, I thought about these lyrics. For instance, when my dad and I eat dinner, we usually sit down, start eating, and we never feel like talking so we don't. The silence is relaxing and perfect. I always get up when water boils, and pour 2 cups of water for our tea, and then we just continue eating. Then sometimes we talk, and sometimes we don't. And I love that we do that, but I didn't realize the beauty of it until today.

(oh yes, the song is Snails by The Format...if you want to listen to a song that might be about sex or life or beauty or dogs, you can decide)

I just realized how stupid this blog is because:

• i don't enjoy writing
• i don't use it much
• i always delete what i write, so no one ever reads what i am really thinking
• i never can sound like me when i write

but, i will keep it anyway. who knows why.

I love how it feels when the sun completely warms my body.

Sometimes, I don't want to go to bed because I just want that feeling again.

(don't get me wrong....I love the night too)


If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind? -Shelley