Before high school, art consumed my life. I spent all my extra time in and out of school painting, drawing, and making art. When I got to high school, I just stopped doing it. Well, I finally have time to be in an art class, and I love it. It is the best part of my morning, but for some reason, I don't talk to anyone about it. My friends and family don't really even know what I am doing, but know I feel like talking about it.

I don't know anyone in the class, in fact I had never seen any one's face in the class before the first day. So, I am able to just work by myself....which is wonderful. The teacher tries to make every person feel important to him, and obviously makes an effort to know everyone. He gives us like 5 things to do at once, so everyone in the class is working on different things. He lets us stay in there, and skip the following classes if we don't mind going to the Dean's office.

More than that, I have started painting again outside of class, and it feels amazing. Except I don't know what to do with the paintings. They all are just in a pile on my desk. And, if I show my parents, they just say "oh, cool". At school, if I love what I made, the teacher usually goes with me to show the other teachers, and says things like "Genius!" or "Bravo!" and proceeds to put it in a display case. And it is good to have other people feel something similar to how you feel.

Also, partly becasue of this class, and the fast, I have been doing so much more with my music. I don't know how else to describe it other that "good". So that's what this is....good. :)

I am learning so much right now. I am learning how much I love simplicity. How much I want discipline, and submission. How much I like being with simple-thinking people. How great sincerity is. How looking in someones eyes changes everything. How I love the beauty and majesty of nature. How the simplest music can be the best. How it is better not to think so much, and just jump. How important other people are. How important patience is. How a simple encouragement could completely alter a mind. How special now is. How much I don't want to waste now.

I've missed learning...like this.

drives and rides

Lately, I have had a large amount of time alone, and also time with people I love being around. I love driving long-distances alone, and with other people. After driving to and from Elgin, I got in the car with my brother and dad. I love talking with them, but their opirom nions are so different from mine that it gets overwhelming to talk to them sometimes.

We were talking about the NIU shooting, and what we would do in that situation. I felt like everyone in the room was only thinking about themselves by just running for their own lives. It made me wonder if someone could have knocked the guy out from behind and saved him, the kids in the room, and the strife of many others. My brother thinks that in situations like that we, as humans, are unable to make those decisions and just act to save ourselves out of instinct. For me, it is hard to believe that we can't choose wrong from right even in difficult situations. Especially difficult situations.

Maybe I can't speak because I have never been through that. But, if Jesus risked everything to save us, I feel like we would need to do the same if that kind of situation happened.

Sometimes, I just curl up as small as I can in the corner of my dark room. I feel like pressure is building up all around. My mind goes crazy. Scenes of my day, sketches of my dreams, lyrics, faces, movie clips, sounds, journal entries, conversations, poems are all flying through my head. It is chaotic, and stressful. Then, I can take control. Make it all stop, talk myself into reality, try to understand life. But, the only way I can ever answser my own questions is with new questions. Then, I realize it doesn't matter what I don't know. I will live, and find out. I can get up, recognize the silence, wipe my eyes, and breathe. I love when it is over, and I close my eyes, and I can feel one deep breath fill up my whole body. All I can hear is my heart beat...and the silence that stills everything else.





**i always feel like no one is like me after i write weird things that i do (like this), and i want to delete the post and feel kind of embarrassed. Then I say whatever and click publish anyway.