man, break sucks when all your friends are in Florida

A friend told this to me about 5 months ago (and is possibly reading this):

You hit this moment where you realize your friends are going different ways and when you return home on breaks you will all be a little different from who you were, and at first it's sad, and you will get sad. But, then it's exciting. Suddenly you're free. Suddenly no one knows you. Suddenly you can be someone new. You'll get there. But, now in the next two years you get to decide who you are. The next two years are exciting even for as long and arduous as they may seem from here. And sometime halfway through your junior year you'll realize what those people say and do, it doesn't matter. They can't hurt you. They may never see you again.

So that's where I am...halfway through junior year, and he was right. Right now, I am finding out who I am. I am watching my friends that are seniors getting ready to leave, and the freedom that they feel right now. Rules and school are no longer important to them. The relationships that they are leaving behind are what really matter to them. Living their lives with the people that are in it at this moment is important. Because everyone will change, and the only time to live life now, is now, and that will be gone.
And I am watching the people that have gone to school and are back on break. And they are all different, but still their relationship is the same. It's true, they have all changed, grown [up] perhaps, and are a bit different. And at first it is sad because things won't ever be the same, but exciting because you both have learned new things and changed.
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I've lost some of my passion. and I need it back.

do you ever have those mornings where you are kind of asleep, but kind of dreaming for a couple hours before you have to get up? I love it, because I can kind of control where I go/what I do in my dreams, and I know I will remember it.
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I think relationships start to get really great, when you know they will love you no matter how weird you act. Like, I can dance like a fool everywhere I go. or, today, I was in my friend's room and I was just looking through her things. And I found her journal, and I looked at her while opening it up. and she didn't care. She didn't care if I read about her weird feelings, because we both know that whatever strange things she wrote/felt, that would never change how much we like each other, or get along, or treat each other.

I think I am in love with trees. and always have been.

It always makes me so sad when a tree dies. you know? they are so old, and have been there for so long. They create so much beauty, and change, but also stability. They are there through every part of our lives, and they have seen/been through so much.

Like the tree in my front yard. It was so little when my parents bought the house, and we have always trimmed it and taken care of it. And I have climbed it, and it has shaded our yard. And I clean up it's leaves, and branches. It protects from the rain, and drops beautiful leaves into the yard. It was there when I was 2, and running around babbling. It was there when I pretended I was a pirate, and the tree was my ship. It was there when we tried to create a swing from it's highest branch. It was there when we would sit for hours in it's branches and spend the afternoon watching the world pass us by below. I walk by it hundreds of times everyday, and barely ever give it a thought.

yea...no one else thinks about trees this much. whatever.

A lot of people seem to have a really crappy week before christmas, and that is so unfortunate. It is just a bad week to have bad week.
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I have a SaveDarfur hoodie, and I wear it every once in while. I have probably worn it more 10 or more times to school this year. Well, I wore it the other day, and more people talked to me than ever before in a school day. During every passing period, either a student or teacher would stop me and ask me what Darfur is. I even walked into one of classes, and the whole class was questioning me. It was sweet that I got to tell so many people about it in one day.

But, it still amazes me....the ignorance of so many people. Darfur is a big deal. 2 laws were past in the last week about it. Our own senator does so much. There are articles in the paper about a lot...not enough...but a lot.
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I feel like i have something to say. I just don't know what.

I think I am going to do a 30 day fast.

or 40.

I can explain why later.

I have no desire to pass finals. which is horrible. I just want to play music. and swim.

This week was Prism. Prism is this crazy series of Christmas (ahem...holiday) concerts at school. The tickets are always gone in a couple hours for all 4 shows.
We played a piece called "Gandalf", which is incredible. There are these sweet chaser lights at the Shadowfax part of the song, and it is breathtaking.
Then I played "William Tell Overture" with the orchestra, which was also amazing. It begins with a cello solo that lasts for about 70 bars of music. The whole orchestra and audience gets completely enraptured by one 17 year old girl playing her heart into the music. And oh man, there just aren't words enough.
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I was told that I am opinionated and it's a bad thing. sure.

....so busy...

I wish Bob Dylan was the same man he is today, but twenty. Then it wouldn't be so weird that I like him so much. Same with John Lennon.

It takes me a whole week to fold my basket of laundry, because I get really bored folding. So by the time I have my clothes folded, they are wrinkled and I have more dirty clothes. Its a wonderful cycle I am living in.

Today, I spent the morning speaking with a woman that went on The World Race, with AIM. It is like the Amazing Race and loving people, and visiting the whole world, all in 11 months. This is what I have planned on doing after high school. (not that my plans ever work out). But, she was incredible, and has the heart of Jesus, and really all she wants to do is love people. And that is what she does. I have been real lazy about my Peru trip, and she encouraged me to actually do the work I am supposed to.
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Now, I am going to rant. People, especially my family, are making a huge deal about what I am going to eat in Peru. Of all things...what I am going to eat!!! gkhdsla'!! Yes, I am vegetarian. No, I do not enjoy eating meat. But, people just don't listen to me when I tell them I will eat meat, I will cook meat, and Ogdon's if I have to kill an animal, I will maybe, maybe not do it while sobbing, and screaming and shaking most likely, if I must. But, my diet will not keep from loving people. Trust me, I can make rational decisions. Trust God. Oh my...have some faith. If you have to worry about me...
worry about a piranha eating me. not about me eating a piranha.

Sometimes, I completely forget about those middle school years. I don't really know who I was then. But, I do remember the endless hours I spent in the art room in my school. I always had an art class, and art club, and during lunch I would help the teacher with projects and stuff. And, I got pretty good at it. But, once I got to high school, I had to take all the required classes, and I never joined art club. So, I draw or paint something every couple months.

Well, lately, I have been drawing like crazy. And I love people. I love to draw them. It makes you really study a person's face, and the emotions a person can show with their eyes. Drawing a person is a lot like getting into their soul, and their heart.

Yesterday, my friends and I spent the day volunteering for Salvation Army ringing those bells. But, the bells were obnoxious, and horrible, so we got some instruments and enjoyed some lovely christmas music. Even though it was cold, and we sounded bad, we just spent the whole day making music (with every instrument we own) with each other. When we got too cold to play, one of us would dance around to the other two's music. And when our fingers stopped moving, we just sang a lot. So , I found out I can't play trumpet very well, and a guitar strap would be a good investment, and harmonica doesn't sound very good with flute, and I enjoyed serenading saturday shoppers with some songs.

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Sometimes I go for these drives, and I just kind of get in the car, and my dog usually follows me. Then I drive, I don't really know where I am going, but I always end up somewhere good. Sometimes, Spirit (my dog) sleeps, sometimes she puts her head out of the window, sometimes she looks straight ahead. Sometimes music is loud, really loud, and sometimes it is silent. Sometimes I drive on roads where I can go fast, and sometimes I drive slowly through the neighborhoods. I like to think about other people, like what are they doing with their lives. When they go home, what do they do? How is their family? Are they lonely? Are they busy? I kind of just make up stories about people's lives when I see them.
I don't know why I do this. Drive aimlessly. Maybe I need to get out of the house, or just need to think. Or maybe it just calms me down so I can think better.

Well tonight, I drove to a neighborhood, and then I parked in a school parking lot, and got out. Then Spirit and I ran through these huge fields that were covered in inches of snow. Try to imagine this:a car pulls up to an empty parking lot. A girl gets out, wearing slippers, Chicago Blackhawks sweat pants that are too big for her, and a silly Peruvian hat that is keeping her very warm. Then she opens a side door of the car, and a dog gets out. Then they both start running as fast as they can through the snow....around and around and around, until they are so tired they can't move any more, so they just collapse in the middle of this field in the snow, and lay there for like 20 minutes. Then they just get up, get into the car, and drive off.

If I were watching this, I would come see if I were alright and take me to an insane asylum. Seriously, I am creep, you might want to run away...fast.
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When I was little, I used to lay on the couch on my back, then I would scoot of until my head was on the ground and calves were the only thing on the couch. Then I would pretend like my house was upside down, and the ceiling was the floor and the floor was the ceiling. I would lay like this for a long time...just imaging life, upside down! I would throw the ball for my dog, and since I was kind of living upside down, I would throw the ball at "my floor" but it would never stay there, it always went up to "my ceiling".

haha, o man. I was strange then too.
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i have no idea why i wrote any of this. I get on here every once in a while, and i just stare at the screen thinking about how i can never get my thoughts into words. Sometimes i type things, then delete them. then i close my computer. somedays, i can't stop writing. and somedays, i start writing nonsensical nonsesnse about my freakishly strange life that no one really wants to hear.