Whitney,

Breathe

what is going on?

I kind of want to be vague right now, but if I do that nothing I am saying will make sense. So, I will be straightforward.

Of the two best friends that I grew up with, I am still close with one, and I haven't spoken to the other in years. She moved away. Her mother started dating and living with an abusive man. She became depressed, starting smoking, then started doing drugs, drinking. Then she decided she was bisexual, and started having serious relationships with many many girls. She became suicidal. Very much so. This all happened before she was even 15.

Today, I found out that this once innocent, still beautiful woman that grew up with me, and had changed immensely... was raped. raped? This doesn't happen to people I know. people I love. people I pray for. A knife was held to her throat. A man used her for pleasure. this happens in books, movies...not in real life, to people like me? How worthless, dirty, unloved, alone does she feel? And now she is 15, and is left with this man's child. Her education has just ended, her dreams, everything has just been ruined, and completely changed by this selfish, dirty man.

She's 15. And she is going to raise a child, while dealing with the memories of a crazed man who found her in her sleep, held a knife to her throat, and made her submit to him.

I don't know how to say what I feel right now. Because this hurts me so bad. My heart physically hurts. I just want her to know she is beautiful, and that she is worth so much more than this world can give her. I want to apologize for not speaking with her for years. I want to hug her, and hear what is on her heart. I want to give her everything. But, I also want this man to feel regret. I am angry with him, and people like him.

I just finished Under the Overpass. I am realizing the huge misconception that I (and the general subarbanite community) have about homelessness.

Everyone seems to think that being homeless just means having to sleep outside. (If that were the case, I would love to be homeless). Churches have "sleep-out" night for "homeless awareness". But, I am realizing that it is so much more than that. It is the feeling of complete loneliness, smelling so bad that you can't stand yourself, and not being about to do anything about it. It is about begin so unloved and looked down on and treated like trash that you start to believe the lies yourself. Watching people walk by and no one will even make eye contact with you, because they are uncomfortable and embarassed.

I have never felt that, but it hurts me that some (many) people do feel like that every day, and some have felt like that for decades. I want to love them. They need love so bad, and I know where they can find it. I want to show them.

(The autobiographer gave some great ideas, and I can't wait to take some action!)

in love with the trees

I can't explain how I feel right now (as usual).

It's like I look outside, and I see the leaves falling and the season changing, and I go on walks, and I am making incredible memories, and learning great new things, and I am getting to know people and I feel happy.

But then I have to make so many difficult decisions, no matter how minuscule they may seem, and I feel like I am getting old, and that scares me.
It scares me that I don't know what I am feeling. I am afraid of being numb.
There are so many things I want to do so bad. Paint, and write, and make music, and play music, and meet new people, and make some memories, and love people and learn and change (even though I am scared).

But, I feel like time is going too fast, and I just want to hold it back and make it wait for me.

p.s. The Format makes me so happy.

ooo my

i am so confused right now.

i am not being honest with myself, so there is no way i am going to be honest on here...not now.



i am back in this regimented schedule, and i am acting less like myself. i don't do the crazy things that i usually do. life has gotten less...lively.

In band we are playing an absolutely incredible song called "A Movement for Rosa", and it is beautiful, and intense, and heartbreaking, and overwhelming.

At the beginning, there is an incredible flute solo, and that makes my heart completely melt, then it gets intense...really intense, and my heart beats fast, and I get really focused. Then it ends in a solemn, gentle hymn, and I seriously start crying while playing it, everytime.

It's like when you listen to Sigure Ros, or Explosions....except you are playing it.

I'm not even a very outwardly emotional person, but there are a few things that are so filled with beauty, that I don't really know how else to respond.



I need sleep, but I think I am going to stay up tonight and worship my sweet Jesus.