Wait!

One time, i was talking to a friend, and we are fairly similar. we were talking about how whenever i get close to somebody or a situation, i pull myself away. As soon as things get going really well, and I start to act more like me...I pull away. With friends, family, and....more honestly, boys. I hate it too. I know these people are amazing, and beautiful and i just...oh...i let them go!

But, today something has been hurting me. And it's this consistent feeling of regret that I always have. It's this pain, I have never felt, it's like a million knives in my chest, unlike anything else.

I never want to feel this again. I never want to regret again. When or if the chance comes again, i want to pour out my heart, become what I AM. I will be strong. And if that's all I can give....if that is everything...there is nothing I could regret.

i love making people laugh.

sometimes i meet people, and it is really easy to be myself around them...they just bring out the best in me. Around other people, I am kind of restrained, and quiet, and it takes a while or certain situations before I truly act like myself.

Tonight, was one of those situations. Now, around these people, I feel more like me than I did before. and it feels....freeing almost.

I don't understand myself.

How can I have an wonderful day, but still feel lonely?

I spent the morning studying Ecclesiastes and drinking coffee with an incredible woman. Then I went with a new friend downtown. We went to the Darfur refugee thing put on by Doctors without Borders (which was INCREDIBLE, and i must speak of it later). And I went to the art museum with my new friend. and we talked and talked about everything. Religiosity, Faith, Humanity, Love, Beauty, our Dreams. Then we sat, in the middle of this city, in the middle of a great day...and my heart sank.

And i don't know why. Is it my feelings for refugees all over the world? My frustrations with the world? My dreams and desires? or is it all self-deprecation?


(I am writing this from my new [to me] desk. my dad found it for me because i will need it for the computer he is building me!)

I met an incredible man today. And he has inspired me and encourage me. He is a humanitarian aid worker. He has been to the worst war zones in the world. His life sounds so perfect.

making memories

two wonderful documentaries.

a choir of absolutely beautiful children from Uganda.

a man, a refugee, from Sierra Leone.

sleeping under the stars . waking up to the sky.

time alone.

running.

tennis. frolf.

walks.

chicago.

friends. ahhhh, friends.

worshipping my Savior through it all.

getting back in the habit.


Jesus has satisfied me.

http://music.aol.com/popeater/2007/09/13/video-premiere-fall-out-boy-im-like-a-lawyer-me-and-you/

I've been placed in this program at school, where I leave during my lunch period and go to an elementary school and help out in a classroom. I will write three essays about it this semester. First, I was attracted to this opportunity because I get to park at school one day a week for free. And second, I don't have to take a final. ha.

BUT, after orientation at the elementary school....my motives have changed completely and I am crazy excited.

I found out that I was placed with a special ed. class! There are three amazing boys in the class. I get to work one-on-one with them. AND oh...they make me so happy!
First conversation with one of the girls in another class:

Her: Hi What's your name?

Me: Whitney, what's yours?

Her: What'syourname?

Me: I'm Whitney, what is your name?

Her: are you in my class? Do you want to go for a walk with Lauren?

Me: uhhh...i would love to go for a walk, Lauren!

Her: What's your name?

And she was incredibly overjoyed that i would play with her and go for a walk with her. I hate going back to school afterwards.

during church this morning i was sitting alone, which is fine, i don't mind.

but, i started to feel lonely. i started to miss people. and i was worshipping God, and i was content, but i was crying at the same time because i was sad.

and when these pe0ple say they miss me too....i feel even more sadness.

oh what a wonderful cylce. Tears all the time!

oh Sunday.

i wish i weren't the most mature person in the room.
i feel like i am babysitting a bunch of children who have never heard of respect.

i am being vague....i could just say what i am thinking..

Youth group used to be good. I was challenged, we worshiped as a community, learned as a community, and grew, now i kind of dread going. I'm not even close to being the oldest student there, but i feel like i am. YES, i like to have fun. BUT, i love to worship, and i love to learn. And it really makes me mad when people (...ahem...) can't respect each other or the teacher or even God. A friend and I renamed youth group as "ARG$%&#!!" because that is how we feel whenever we go.


I am going to explode pretty soon.


I need someone who understands me. someone who challenges me. questions me. makes me think harder. someone who is in love with Jesus, and isn't going to forget [about] me....people tend to do that. What i really need is a community.

And this isn't about "filling" me either. It's more about loving Jesus, loving our Father, loving people, living and changing and growing as a group of people who have similar dreams. As a human, I need that and long for that.

"How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions. "

-Og Mandino

rush of blood

Ah. I say I don't like band most of the time, but truly i love it.

They make me so happy. they make me laugh...really hard. they do the crazy things that i want to do.
Marching a show gives you so much adrenaline, and it is incredibly intimate. Even though we have fun together, there are moments when you know everyone else is soaring and their hearts are beating so hard, and they can feel their bodies shaking...just like you. and it it an intense feeling.

i guess the real reason i like these people is because i am so comfortable with them, that i can act just like i would if i were alone. i can dance around the room and act silly, and sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the top of my lungs, or can sit alone, or be quiet, or talk to all 150 people....and no one cares. everyone knows it is "just Whitney" and they like me just as much.


right now, i am content.
and tired.

Goodnight

I am so overwhelmed by all the people changing the world. i am meeting so many who deeply care about issues of the world...and are DOING SOMETHING. They are doing something I am not.
So, I can volunteer a lot, and join a bunch of clubs, but seriously what am doing?

Honestly, I just don't know where to start. I am making a new goal right now. Everyday, I will have at least one conversation about Darfur. Hopefully with new people everyday, but maybe not. I want to do so much more, I have so many ideas, but I just drop them so easily. No one here ever talks about changing the world, none of my friends here, no one has been encouraging me to live for greater things, so I have been giving up real easily lately. And I hate this, because I don't need anyone else, I can do this on my own, i am just getting lazy, and getting sucked into society.


i think i am going to join a jazz combo. get back into the habit.

i spent a couple hours today with some beautiful puppies. Just born a couple weeks ago, they fit into the palm of my hand.

i had two girls in my hand and they were real cold, and shivering, so they curled up against me, and just slept there. And their mother lay next to me with her head on my lap.

The mother is so protective of her children. She is a perfect mother. She wouldn't leave their side for 2 weeks, and she sits and guards them when new people and other dogs come near. She lets the father play with the pups, she knows when they are hungry and when they are tired. And she spends all her time with them, and it drains all the energy from her.

It is incredible. and so beautiful, that she knows all this. No one ever taught her how to be a mother, she didn't even know her mother, but still she is perfect.

Times like this prove how absolutely perfect God is. His beauty leaves me in awe...every time.

no one can piss me off like she can.

no one can make me feel worse about myself than her.

no one can screw up my words and thoughts like her.

no grown woman can act more like a child than her.

my piano has gotten a little dusty over the past couple of weeks. today, i finally sat down and played for a couple hours this morning. i don't know how i go so long without playing.
i think i have finally figured out why i don't really like people to listen or watch me play. Playing it such an emotional and intimate thing for me, that when someone just says "good job, it sounded pretty", it kills me. I want whoever listens to sit there, like i do, with their heart overflowing with the joy or sorrow that the music brought them. there are only two...no, three who have ever done this.

One of them, comes over to my house, and he sits in the chair next to the piano and asks me to play. He will sit there for hours and keep asking me to play more. Another, comes over, or I go to her house, and we both play whats on our hearts. We mutually understand what the other is going through if we just open up and play.
The third, ah the third, you would find a bit silly. But, she is always next to me when i play. She sings the notes to all her favorites, and knows them by heart. Her favorites are my favorites. Sometimes she cries when I play, and sometimes she smiles, but she always listens with such intensity and longing. You would think i am crazy if you knew.

i miss them right now.

what kind of fool goes to school an hour early and gets home 7 hours after it is over?

It's 9:30. I am just starting to study. I haven't practiced any instrument today yet. Maybe I'll eat dinner...and lunch (because i don't have a lunch period)....ugh...sometime soon.

And i get to do it again tomorrow.


BUT, i think this time is pretty awesome for meeting/influencing/being influenced by other people. Not many other times in your life are you going to be forced to be around the same people, talk to these people, get pretty intimate with these people for 13 years in a row. And they have to be around you too. they have no choice but to talk with you. You don't have do ANY work to meet new people.

i have so much to say. just not here.

"I hope people of my generation are pissed off"
"I think if Jesus were on earth now He'd be a little frustrated with the Church"

I was driving about 4o today, in a 35, and this mini van pulls out and cuts the person off behind me, then as they pass me going about 50, they give me an evil glare. Then, once in front of me, the words "SMILE, God loves you" that are pasted to their car glare at me.
pssh? oh jeez. I was angry,no...I was disturbed , but I couldn't help but just laugh at this opprobrium to the Church.

i've been frolfing a few times a week lately. i kind of just invite someone different every time, and i have had incredible amounts of fun every time. i think one of the bests parts is driving out there (wherever there is depending on where i go). But, I am getting pretty good at it. I also keep seeing people from school there, and they always invite me to come back with them...but i have yet to go. they are always large groups of boys...and it is a little awkward to be the only girl in a group of very close boys.


Life has been good lately.
There is a perfect balance of being around people and being alone right now. I feel strong. Independent, but not cut off. I am making new friends, and loving the old more than ever. I am learning. and changing and imagining and dreaming and acting.

and i lost my voice because i sing too much.

and i don't know why i look for new friends, when the ones that have always been there are still perfect for me. i can't forget them. i can't let them down.

i love sharing life with other people. people who understand. who experience the same things. who can explain how you feel when you are unable to. who can sing with you. laugh with you. cry with you. dream with you.

my parents think i am a freak

because i don't want to be around people every night in the weekend.

because i would rather walk to school then drive, or get a ride.

because i like to be alone sometimes.


they think i need a psychoanalysis or something. oh goodness.

A conversation started today about surviving in the wild, and having to eat each other to survive. some very intelligent, but ethically-lacking people said they would eat me if they had to survive. First of all disgusted, then very angry at their selfishness, I brought up the lifeboat situation.

We ended up discussing if you and another person are on a lifeboat, and one has to be thrown off and die, otherwise you both die, what would you do. (i doubt this would ever actually happen). Every person (there were 10) said they would throw the other person off! I was really pissed off by the arrogance by the time I had a moment to speak. I really wanted to just tell them all they were a bunch of arrogant, selfish teenagers, but I held back. I tried to explain my theory for jumping off willingly, but they just didn't get it. I kept explaining myself, telling them how maybe the other person would live differently after this act of self sacrifice . And FINALLY, after several explanations, one person asked, "kind of like Jesus sacrificed his life for us?".

OOoh my goodness! this was so encouraging to hear someone who doesn't believe Jesus is their savior get this. They understood...aaaah! I was ecstatic.

Anyways, the majority of them changed their answer, except for a stubborn few, and I am so glad that they are beginning to understand this. Yessss, after two years with these people in band, we finally get into a decent conversation where they are actually thinking about their ethics and motives!