the girl who sits next to me in english was wearing TOMS shoes today.

someone was wearing a "save darfur" shirt.

yes

today was good. really good. I got up extremely late, and while showering, I realized that I didn't have a ride to school, so i jumped out of the shower grabbed my backpack and ran to school. of course, i put some clothes on first. About 15 minutes after school started, I walked onto the soccer fields. At this point, I notice more than just cars in the parking lot. All the students were outside due to a fire alarm being pulled. Sweet, no detention!

Then, I learned so much in school today. it was incredible. i understood everything, and soaked it in. ahhhh. it feels good to know knew things. I am also taking this PSAT class, and I am learning so much vocabulary, which i can't wait to use! Yesss.

Nerd Nerd Nerd

oooo yess, and i started swimming today, with the funniest people i know. All four of them could probably be stand up comedians. i was laughing so hard, that i had to stop swimming and i started to drown a few times, and the teacher kept reprimanding me. i laugh like this for about 4o minutes everyday. i love it. i love these people. i love this class.

i can't believe that i am enjoying school so much.

simplifying

i have started clearing out my room in the past hour or so. lots of things are in boxes and bags.

this sounds so lame, but i had a hard time putting my shoes in bags. i like shoes. i have spent way too much money on shoes. my parents, and my grandfather have spent way too much money on shoes for me. i hate it. it makes it much harder to get rid of them.

Plus, i really just like shoes. haha....wow i sound so lame. but it is true. and i know it is stupid.

Living like Jesus and forgetting the things of the world? or Shoes?

hmmm...real tough, right?


ALSO, i never realized how many books i have! I was clearing out one bookshelf, and got 2/3 of the way done, then i found books from piles all over my room, and filled up the 2/3 of the bookshelf that was empty. then I found more. oh goodness.

I am keeping a lot of them. getting rid of about half.

i know that i am supposed to live simply. i really want to live simply. But, i change my idea of "simple" every time i turn around. and i feel sick and my heart is sore every time i walk into my home. there is so much unnecessary crap. i really can't stand it anymore.

living simply is NOT owning 30 pairs of shoes, or having clothes stuffed in the back of the closet that you don't even wear. living simply isn't having two bookshelves full of books, especially when children all over the world have never touched a book!

i feel guilty and dirty for having so much...stuff.

the same way i feel when i drink out of a plastic water bottle. or watch the children sleeping in water filled cellar in Uganda.

Also, I am sick of just saying i will do these things.
i made a plan (that i must tell my parents first to achieve).

and here it is: this [four day] weekend i will buy a pair of TOM'S shoes, and get rid of all other shoes except running shoes, and sandals. i will clean out my clothes from my closet and dresser that i do not wear, do not need, or have too many of (this is a lot). i will give most of my books away (i need to keep some). Also, there is just a lot of other crap in my room that i need to give away or sell and give that profit away.

this isn't one of those "i will do it" things...as long as things go smoothly with my parents. i REALLY plan on doing this in two days.

now i am going to speak with my parents. yikes!

sometimes...i really do not like (abhor, dislike intensely,despise, look down on contemptuously) boys.

really. a lot. indubitably. legitimately. positively.

i am a coward.

i might be crazy

but, i find it extremely refreshing when i hear other Christians swear.

i don't know why.
or maybe i do.

yea, i do know.
i was just being a pansey and didn't want to write it up here, but i just talked myself into it.

it is refreshing because people swear around Christians, and then they say sorry like they broke a rule or something. People can't be themselves around Christians, speak like they speak around Christians. Why? Are Christians better than other people? More intelligent? Judgemental? umm...nope. no way. ever heard of Jesus?

So, when i hear people that are in love with Jesus swear, I know that they are not following the stupid Christian religion rulebook, and I know that regular, foolish, silly people like myself can act normal around them. I know that they are real. Not the plastic, fake, lifeless people that seem to be in a lot of churches.

And it makes me smile when Francis Chan swears, and people in the congregation gasp, and stiffen up. i am glad he did that.

laughter is lacking in my life

i wish i could make people understand that Christianity is not religion, it's not rules.
i want people to know that it is the most romantic love story ever.

why is "Love Me" so hard to understand and so easy to mess up?

a king in my eyes

he's not supposed to get hurt.

he's not supposed to feel pain.

this man that named me rose.

this man who makes me feel so special.

makes me feel loved.

this incredibly wise man, who never finished high school.

he had a painting done of me. twice, because the first one wasn't good enough. the man who greets everyone he sees, and is able to love everyone no matter what. the man who is so old, but seems so innocent. this man who has been through more than i could imagine.

a widower to his suicidal wife. a father to children who won't speak to him. a grandfather to a child who was never loved. a recovered alcoholic. a diabetic. a hospitable man.

the man who gives his grandchildren everything they need. who will do anything for me. who will take me to New York, and make sure I am in the perfect care. who would take me around the world, and fulfill all my dreams if he could. who will never let a boy come near me who is not perfect.

this man is dying.

that is what he told me.

the diabetes are killing him.

pneumonia, infection, hallucinations.

the diabetes have worn down his body, and he can't handle it.

i remember when i was a small child, i would stay at his house. one night we were joking around, and a tapped him in his gut, but i didn't realize my strength, and it hurt him. i saw pain in his face. i went running upstairs and hid myself in my room, in tears. how could i hurt him? such a strong person? someone i loved so much?

after a few minutes of guilt and regret, and a pillow covered in tears, there was a knock on the door. he came in and held me, and gave me a frozen candy bar. the candy bar that he would have eaten when his blood sugar got low, but instead gave it to me. then we sat on the bed, and he held me until the tears stopped, and the candy bar was gone.

i remember this summer, when i would go through all his old photos from high school, and his soccer years, his children that i never met. he would answer my never ending questions about his life. i wanted to know everything. who is this man that i love? and he never got tired of telling me and teaching me, at least he never showed it.

this man deserves no more pain.

this man whom i call Gramps.

this man who is not related to me by blood.

this man who loves me so much.

this man

i love.

a couple days ago, i was not dreading going back to school, but not wanting to go back either.

after some thinking and circumstances, i am excited and anxious to get back to school. i feel this way because i know this year will be different. i know, i know it sounds cliche. but, the thing is i am incredibly different this year. schoolwork is no longer of much importance to me.

i want to meet new people, love new people, learn from people, teach new people, be with new people. And, yes, they are the same people that i have grown up with...but i know maybe 5% of them, so there are plenty more, different people that may understand me....maybe (maybe not).


i found someone who listens to Stars and is going to the concert with me...from school. weird.
i bought a new shirt on monday night, wore it tuesday to band, someone told me they had a dream about me with that shirt on, with this guy at a concert. then she introduced me to this guy, and he likes Stars. i am kind of (really) creeped out. does this actually happen?

i am having such a hard time writing down what i am feeling

i can't play the piano. every time i sit down to play, i get in trouble because it is too loud.
or they decide to do something...like their taxes, or read, or are on the phone, or check their e-mail, and the piano is too noisy and they can't concentrate. and i am told to leave.

and then i get grounded for not practicing enough.

and i get yelled at for losing the chord to my keyboard that they swear is my brothers, and he actually lost the chord.
and then i get screamed at that my room is too messy...that is why i lost the chord, which i didn't actually lose.,
then i get my books/keys/phone taken away because they distract me from keeping my room clean.

yes, i am a bit frustrated.

and i know this is selfish.
and stupid.
all the same, i am still angry.

places to go

i am feeling lonely, and no one has even left yet.
i am scared of the loneliness that i will feel in a short while.

incredible relationships have been made this summer. relationships that make me want to know Jesus, that make me think, make me question, make me love, make me live.

i hate that so many people i love will be gone in a week. i fear the loneliness that i felt earlier this year. i am afraid of sitting alone in my room every night and knowing that no one want to be with me...even my family.
i really have no friends here. i can't stand high school any more. no one understands me. it is so hard to be here where no one understands you, and know that there is a place where you are understood, but you can't go. you have to wait. you have to be patient.

and it hurts.
it hurts me.

if just one person around me understood me. had dreams of something more, something bigger.
but, where are these people and how do i find them, contact them, and know them?

i so badly want this school year to be over, and it hasn't even started.
why can i not just be content with now?? right now?

"For a while the hobbits continued to talk and think of the past journey and of the perils that lay ahead; but such was the virtue of the land of Rivendell that soon all fear and anxiety was lifted from their minds. The future, good or ill, was not forgotten, but ceased to have any power over the present. Health and hope grew strong in them, and they were content with each day as it came, talking pleasure in every meal, and in every word and song." -J.R.R. Tolkien

coincidence?

Yesterday i found out that i will spend next summer in the Amazon Jungle in Peru.

Yesterday there was a major earthquake in Peru. hundreds dead, thousands injured, tens of thousands lost their homes.

Uhh...Weird?

today was incredible.

i ran my first triathlon today. i had so much fun. it was challenging, and it was exciting, and the adrenaline was pumping, and aaaahhh...so good. it is like a big party; there is music playing the whole time, and people cheering you on, and it is crazy fun. anyone can do it if they train well. and i would highly recommend that everyone does a triathlon in their life.
it keeps running through my mind. i am still excited about it. ha. i really am a newb.

As for the Darfur event; i love when people i love began to care deeply about the things i care about. it is so cool to see my brother get angry over injustice! and for my mom to be able to explain divestment to my grandmother. and for my friends to see ignorance and complacency and realize something is terribly wrong.


tonight i realized that i haven't read any book in a week, and i haven't played my piano in several weeks. yessssss. tomorrow i am free :)

almost here

the big day is tomorrow.

my nerves are high


anxious, excited, nervous
i hope that after some sleep i will feel more calm and at ease.

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will blow away
Maybe I won't feel so afraid
I iwll try to understand
Either way

Maybe you still love me
Maybe you don't
Either you will or you won't
Maybe you just need some time alone
I will try to understand
Everything has its plan
Either way
I'm gonna stay
Right for you

Maybe the sun will shine today
The clouds will roll away
Maybe I won't be so afraid
I will understand everything has its plan
Either way

-Wilco

tired
frustrated
scared


this hurts

i can't stop thinking.
i can't sleep either.
i guess those are both kind of good things.

people keep asking me if i am glad to be back, and i haven't been able to answer them clearly. but, now i am able to. the answer is No.

America is boring. the colors are dull, people are much meaner, and more selfish. lines are straight. everything is sanitary, and insulated, and isolated, and untouchable.
How can we live like this?
how can we really live without blurring all these lines? live with vibrancy, and color. have happiness.

corporations and fear of terrorism control everything here. in other countries, you get sick, break your leg, go to the hospital and get fast, quality care and pay very little.
AND they're not drowning in taxes either.

non Americans smile and greet and people they don't even know. not here.
people are real. you can tell by their eyes. they seem much deeper, and fuller. full of kindness and wisdom. not here.
here, all eyes are the same. dull, flat.

and the color. o man, the colors. so full of joy and life. and joy in life. when i look at green here it seems so dull.



yea. even though it seems dull here in the burbs, i'm sure its not like that everywhere in America. and i don't think it has to be like that. i think we can change it. that's for another time though.