Four Skinny Trees

They are the only ones who understand me. I am the only one who understands them. Four skinny trees with skinny necks and pointy elbows like mine. Four who do not belong here but are here. Four raggedy excuses planted by the city. From our room we can hear them, but Nenny just sleeps and doesn't appreciate these things.

Their strength is secret. They send ferocious roots beneath the ground. They grow up and they grow down and grab the earth between their hairy toes and bite the sky with violent teeth and never quit their anger. This is how they keep.

Let one forget his reason for being, they'd all droop like tulips in a glass, each with their arms around the other. Keep, keep keep, trees say when I sleep. They teach.

When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks, then it is I look at trees. When there is nothing left to look at on this street. Four who grew despite concrete. Four who reach and do not forget to reach. Four whose only reason is to be and be.

Sandra Cisneros

The House On Mango Street (1989)

All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone

I've realized how accustomed I have become to being alone. I can handle being alone most of the time. I can handle having only myself and God being there. In fact, I enjoy it usually. But, sometimes, I have a desire to be with people, to play volleyball or frisbee, or just do something. Just being with other human being. anything.

For so many Friday nights, and Saturdays I have spent so much time calling people, and e-mailing people, and trying to get people to do something with. But, no one ever wants to do anything, or they just make up excuses, or are with other friends. I am so sick of it. I am tired of being in a group of people that talk about a party they had, or are having, and me being the only one that wasn't there or wasn't invited.

And,sometimes I just can't help but think why don't people want to be around me?
I have had friends all my life. I have always had people who would at least invite me along even if they didn't truly want me there. I have always had at least one friend. one person to call when I have tried everything, and am bored out of my mind. But, not now.

I have been told that Loneliness if only for lazy people, but I feel so far away from being lazy. I don't sit around and wait for people to invite me or call me, I do call people. And, if no one responds, I spend time alone...I go swim, or run, or I read or learn new things, or make music. I don't think that loneliness is only for lazy people.

Also, I know that people care about me, and that encourages me so much.
But, I will never be able to get through a summer alone, everyday.

like a rag doll with no stuffing

I have become so weary and weak this week, I feel like I could sleep for a few days without waking up. In order to get my GPA back up to where it has been, I have been getting to school at 6 am to swim 40 laps for extra credit, which has worn me out so much. I have also had a different band practice after school everyday this week.
Today pushed me over the edge when I didn't get home from school until after 10:30 pm. That is 16.5 hours of being at school.
I feel so weak.
But, my Lord is so strong.

You'll make this your last cry. You're a warrior on the battlefield for your Lord. God's warriors don't cry, 'cause they trust that he's always by their side. The women of this family don't break down in the face of trouble. We act with courage, and with God's help, we ship trouble right on out.


Even when the battle is long and the path is steep, a true warrior does not give up. If each one of us does not step forward to claim our rights, we are doomed to an eternal wait in hopes those who would usurp them will become benevolent. The Bible says, WATCH, FIGHT, and PRAY.

-the words of a wise woman. Warriors Don't Cry

"What could he say that might make sense to them? Could he say love was, above all, common cause, shared experience? That was the vital cement, wasn't it? Could he say how he felt about their all being here tonight on this wild world running around a big sun which fell through a bigger space falling through yet vaster immensities of space, maybe toward and maybe away from Something? Could he say: we share this billion-mile-an-hour ride. We have common cause against the night.

You start with little common causes. Why love the boy in a March field with his kite braving the sky? Because our fingers burn with the hot string singeing our hands. Why love some girl viewed from a train, bent to a country well? The tongue remembers iron water cool on some long lost noon. Why weep at strangers dead by the road? They resemble friends unseen in forty years. Why laugh when clowns are hit by pies? We taste custard, we taste life. Why love the woman who is your wife? Her nose breathes in the air of a world that I know; therefore I love that nose. Her ears hear music I might sing half the night through; therefore I love her ears. Her eyes delight in season of the land; and so I love those eyes. Her tongue know quince, peach, chokeberry, mint and lime; I love to hear it speaking. Because her flesh knows heat, cold, affliction, I know fire, snow, and pain.

Shared and once again shared experience. Billions of prickling textures. Cut one sense away, cut part of life away. Cut two senses; life halves itself on the instant. We love what we know, we love what we are. Common cause, common cause, common cause of mouth, eye, ear, tongue, hand, nose, flesh, heart, and soul. "


Bradbury. Something Wicked This Way Comes.

one sees clearly only with the heart

another journal entry from a couple weeks ago. (I edited out some thoughts, but left everything else the same)



Love.

Why are humans on such a quest for love? We always look for love. We look everywhere, at everyone and everything. We try so hard to find love, and feel loved. We don't even take the time to notice how much love surrounds us and envelopes us.

I am looking for love from people. Even though I know that God has so much love for me, I want someone in my life who will care about me and want to know me more. Just a friend. I have so many acquaintances, and I talk to them, but we really don't have much in common. I want somebody who will tell me when I am doing something wrong, encourage me to become more like Jesus, tell me that I can't just give up at school and encourage me to keep moving forward. Someone who loves the things that I love. Someone who can teach me to love the things they love. And of course, I would do the same for them. Is this too much to ask?



I need to just go for it.



consume love completely.



let it consume me.



but, my problem is that i always try to hold it back from consuming me.

I need to let go. let it consume me.



Let myself love.

Let myself give love.

and receive love.

love. beauty. peace.





I am thinking of making this private



"If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, 'My flower's up there somewhere...' But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him it's as if, suddenly, all the stars went out. And that isn't important?'"

winter journals

I write in my journal a lot. Several times a day. I was reading over some things I wrote this winter, and I thought I would share them. "Don't judge me [...] Don't you dare judge me."

wondering.

lost.

confused.

i want to know.

i need to know.

how to know.

i feel like i have

tried everything

but really i know i have

experienced nothing.

how do they know?

who told them?

who will tell me?

i want to know

i need to know.

where is my mind?

why can't i think?

all i feel are these tears on my skin.

all i fear is everything i don't know

but what do i know

i need to stop

my thoughts are scattered

my mind is drunk

but how do i stop

i do not know

i want to know

i need to know

As spring was arriving:

as the days are growing longer

my mind is growing stronger

longing for more

more knowledge, more.

it consumes me

the light awakes me early

energizing and invigorating my body

learning more

more about life, more.

it lavishes over me.

some selfish things I want to do this summer

• learn to play harmonica
• run...a lot
• read at least 12 books
• go with friends downtown for a day or two
• road trip to Cedar Point
• swim a bunch
• increase my photo-editing skills
• have a potato party
• redecorate my room (this includes making a new quilt, repainting, antiquing/garage sale-ing for new furniture, finding cheap paint at hardware stores)
• clean out my grandparents' attics
• ride my bike everywhere (this isn't exactly something I want to do, it is my only form of transportation since I will be home alone all summer)
• after writing that last blurb, I realize that I will need to make new friends because I am going to be alone all summer.
• of course, I will spend a lot of time playing music, and listening to music, and reading about music. that is inevitable.
• go to lots of concerts (cheap/free ones preferably)
• Party it up

okay, this is actually about 1/3 the size of my real list. the real list is lost right now, but it will be back soon. Also, the real list has serious things on it too, like my relationships with other people and with God.

please join me in any of these endeavors. I can't party all summer by myself. And, I need a bit of help redecorating my room, and of course the road trip and trip with friends.

my angry post

This is my second post in the last few minutes.

High School.

ew.


I am not even done with my sophomore year, and I am so ready to be done with it. Everything in high school is about one-upping everybody around you. My teachers post their "Top 10" lists of their best students every week. Kids live for these lists. They consume all their time and all their thoughts with trying to better than everyone else in EVERYTHING.

I hear so many conversations that are like "I have been playing piano for 8 years" and another student responding "oh...Well, I have been playing for 10 and a half years". Then they compare their speed on the mile run, and how many push-ups they can do. Of course, academics and amount of clubs gets thrown in there. grrr.

I am so sick of this.

I am so jealous of people that are graduating. so jealous.

plans and dreams

Lately, people have been constantly telling me that I need to follow God's plans for my life, because mine will neer work out. They keep telling me that I need to stop thinking about my plans. I need to just listen to God's plans. They think that I am fearful of God's plans. They think that I want to me in control of my future.

They are completely wrong.

Sure, I have dreams. Lots of dreams. But, I honestly have no realistic planss. I have no plans of college. No plans of what I am going to be, where I am going to be, who I am going to be with. And, I am so relieved and happy that I don't need to have any plans of my own, because God has his own plans for me. All I have to do is trust Him, and rely on him. That's not too bad compared to planning your whole life.

there’s a secret magic past world that you only notice when you’re looking back at it

This entry ended up being really long.

For my English/History block class, I am reading "Warriors Don't Cry". There are 15 people on the attendance list for my class, and usually 11 show up. We read 2 chapters each night. From the week to the end of the year, the class is student led. Each student in my class was assigned a few days to lead discussion over the chapters read on the previous nights. We go into class, the teacher makes a pot of coffee, we sit on the ground in a circle, eat some breakfast, drink some coffee, and discuss the book.
We talk about things like loving people more no matter what, not caring about outward appearances, being strong, being courageous, fighting a battle every day of our lives. The kids in my class do drugs. They party. They have sex. They act like idiots a lot of the time. But they amaze me every day by coming to class and leading discussions about things that weigh their hearts down.

At the beginning of this school year, I would get annoyed and frustrated with my classmates because of their ignorance. And because of their stupidity, and disrespect. Now, 9 months later, I have so much respect for them, and I care about them. I care about their souls so much.

Reflecting on this past school year, so much has changed for me. Small things have changed like my clothing style, my choice of movies, the music I listen to, the food I consume, where my money goes, my ability to run long lengths...etc. But, huge things have changed too. Not only did I learn to love myself and be content with who I am, but I also learned to love other people. My heart has softened so much this year. I used to not cry at funerals of family members. Now my heart hurts when I see an animal that was hit by a car. I used to not care at all about what was going on in the world except for what was going on with me. Now, a day doesn't go by that I don't learn about/do something about oppressed people around the world, or in my neighborhood, or at my school.

Even with all this gains, I have lost some things too. I used to be so courageous. I would do anything at all. This had a lot to do with my best friends and departed neighbor, Zach. After he moved away, I lost most of my courage, and that has pretty much declined the whole year. I always find myself saying "what if I did that" or "I wish I could do that" or I think about do something completely outrageous and crazy...but I NEVER do it. And my stories always end with "but, we (I) didn't do it". This can't be the end to my stories anymore. That's lame. This summer, along with my huge list of things to do and goals and dreams (I might put that up here sometime), I really want to get my courage back.

Today, I went shopping for clothes for the first time in terribly long time. I have been trying really hard lately to find old clothes from the attic, my parents closet, my grandparents' homes, garage sales, the bottom of my closet instead of buying new clothes. But, I started to get really bored. Bored with my choices. So I went shopping, and got some new choices! I think my problem is that I can't survive without change. I long for change so much. I get bored with monotony so easily.

When I was little, I would rearrange all the furniture in my room all by myself a few times a month because I got bored, and needed change. If I get into a routine everyday, I go completely insane. If I walk the same route home from school everyday, I don't even take that half hour to think about anything. Then my days start to blur together. And my nights cease to exist.
Okay, I am exaggerating quite a bit.
All to say...I like change, and that's why I like shopping for new things. (that sounds lame)

Summer is almost here.
I am getting anxious. :)

A Swell Saturday

I did some great antiquing today, and found the perfect lamp.

Which matches the painting in my room perfectly

Then I went to one of my favorite places...the nursery/"flower center"(laaaame). And my brother acted like a dork, as usual, but we had fun....as usual.

And I came home, and found new speakers hooked up to my laptop!! I love when my dad does things like this! They seem like pretty nice speakers, but the extent of what l know is that they sound good, and look nice too.

I'm lame and I need a ride...like always

Does anyone want to give me a ride to One Way?

I would pay for gas, and you could probably get some homemade cookies too!

Also, I could meet at the church.




I hate asking for rides.

Why do I overestimate myself all the time?

I always do this. I work myself incredibly hard, I put loads of pressure on myself, I push myself to do, to think, to care so much. Then when something important is happening, I crash completely physically and emotionally, and I can barely live.

But, I guess forcing myself to care and to try new things constantly and live without restraint is better than doing nothing. It is so easy to be complacent. To live life in a stagnant way. And so many people in America (I don't know about the rest of the world) do that. They don't think. They don't challenge themselves. They don't even live, when life has so much to offer.

Even if it makes me tired beyond belief, I want to continue living my life! I want to live outside of myself. and enjoy what is happening right now, not what is going to happen. Of course I won't stop dreaming. I wouldn't be able to stop dreaming if I tried. I am just going to focus on Now.

Life. Now.

i have a problem

and it's called Procrastination.

I have to give a speech at 7:30 am tomorrow morning about ending the war in Northern Uganda. I also have to write a formal 5 paragraph outline

and

I haven't started yet.

Several months ago, I tried the photo-a-day thing, and I failed. I think this is because:

1. Nothing exciting ever happens to me. I do pretty much the same thing every week, and I don't even have anything different to take a picture of.
2. My camera sucks.

These are both horrible excuses. Now, I realize that I have grown so accustomed to the things around me (neighborhood, school, the same people) that I don't even recognize the beauty and excitement that is happening in everything I do and everywhere I go. In order to recognize everything I am missing, I have decided to start taking more photos again (with my dreadful camera) so I have to actually look for things that astound me.

I might put some photos up, I might not. But, I will try. http://whitney-h.blogspot.com/